Chew cherry pie and pitted olives very slowly.
Shoot guns you love for pleasure, but carry an ugly gun that works.
Reject uninsured motorist coverage. It's expensive and redundant.
Never buy this year's stereo equipment. Always buy last year's for half the price.
When a judge rules in your favor, shut up immediately and leave fast.
Ask for a discount when you buy things that aren't on sale. It usually works.
Never, ever buy a new car. Buy year-old cars.
Write a will, and use a good estate attorney. Otherwise, your heirs WILL tear out each other's throats, and it will wreck your family, even if you only leave them a used Subaru and a can of ammunition.
Leave all your money to your successful children and cut the poor ones out. They will just lose the money and go to the successful ones for more.
Don't marry a fat woman who just lost a hundred pounds. It will come back.
Don't adopt a rescue dog unless you want to find out why he was abandoned.
Wool socks are better than cotton, especially in the summer.
That great-looking woman making eyes at you across the bar probably has genital warts, and condoms don't block it.
Never insure anything you can afford to replace.
Always buy the tool if it's cheaper than paying for the repair.
Never co-sign ANYTHING.
Every building contractor you hire will screw you and take longer than he claims, and if you sue him, you will get nothing.
Get Nomorobo.
When you're in your fifties, start putting your kids in charge of your business, because you are going to die, and if they don't know what to do, they will lose everything.
If you are foolish enough to buy a time share, you deserve all the misery it will bring you.
Belts are inferior to suspenders in every way.
WD40 will remove most stickers.
If you're not nice to the police, they will probably beat you up and arrest you even if you're white and you've done nothing wrong, and then they will lie about you in court.
Never chew ice, because your teeth will start to split when you're in your fifties.
Use 1031 exchanges until you die. Then the capital gains will be wiped out.
Only morons ask what the monthly payment is. Ask what the total cost is.
"Organic" doesn't have a legal or scientific definition, and it's still full of pesticides, so buy normal food.
If you work in tobacco, Windex will take the juice off your skin.
Watch as little TV as possible.
Live as far as possible from poor neighborhoods, because poor people steal, and criminals are too lazy to drive long distances.
When you marry a divorced woman, you marry her kids, her ex, her ex's family, and the family court judge.
Never leave your umbrella in your truck because you're pretty sure you'll be out of the store before it starts raining.
Poverty does not cause crime. Crime causes poverty.
Never wait. If you're stuck in a line or waiting room, read a book or find something else profitable to do.
Learn to differentiate under the integral sign, and never do an integral you can look up faster.
When someone argues with you, you don't have to respond to their last remark. Say whatever you think needs to be said.
People are no damn good. My mom told me that, and the Bible agrees.
Never date a Brazilian. A Brazilian I was dating told me that, and she was right.
