Now, just so everyone knows where I’m coming from: My home state allows open-carry. It is supposed to be perfectly legal for any law-abiding citizen to be able to walk around with a sidearm carried in plain sight. As a matter of fact our state constitution even upholds the Second Amendment rights of all upright citizens to own and use firearms … ‘The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed … .’ Well, my nephew’s birthday is coming up next weekend; he’s a really great kid; and I wanted to get him something really nice. Because I’m a cautious person by nature I always like to try before I buy; and, since the first day I received my CCW, I always go armed whenever I leave the house. Last Friday I decided to take a trip over to, ‘Toys R’ Us’ to check out the bicycles for my nephew’s present. (It’s going to be his 7th birthday.) So I dressed up in my Spandex, florescent orange, biking outfit, strapped my Glock Model 21 into its Miami Classic shoulder holster, (The one with the extra magazine carrier on the opposite side.) and mounted my backup Glock 36 into an SOB holster that is, usually, very well concealed. Normally all of this stuff would have been completely covered up, too; but the weather has been unseasonably warm; so I decided to leave my customary windbreaker home. (Why not? As I’ve said, open-carry is perfectly legal in my home state; and the latest census figures clearly indicate that, ‘soccer moms and their off-spring’ comprise no more than 62.4% of the indigenous population.)
So here I am, over at, ‘Toys R’ Us’ trying out the different tricycles, riding up and down the aisles, peddling furiously to check the drive sprockets and chains, and skidding every now and then in order to test the brakes (Don’t want my nephew to have an accident because of anything I might have overlooked!) when – suddenly out of nowhere - a hand is placed under each of my arms and I am lifted out of the bike’s saddle by two enormous wide-eyed policemen. Before I could, so much as, say; ‘Cut me a frig’in break!’ they disarmed me, cuffed me, and began to ask me all sorts of embarrassing stupid questions, like; ‘What, the Hell, do you think you are doing?’ ‘What are all the guns for?’ ‘Why are you wearing that orange jump suit?’ ‘Have you got all your marbles?’ and; ‘What day is it, right now?’
Well, I never! Here I am being questioned IN PUBLIC by what turns out to be a group of, about, 25 different officers – several of whom had their guns drawn! Even though I felt violated, I kept my temper, and answered all their questions, calmly, in an exact order of reply: ‘I’m riding a child’s tricycle, officer.’ ‘In case I have to defend myself against the event that the bike department might come under attack while I’m here.’ ‘This is my everyday, bike-riding, Spandex leotard, gentlemen.’ ‘I, ALWAYS, wear Spandex whenever I ride.’ ‘I don’t understand your question, officer; I don't own any marbles?’ ‘I’m legally licensed to carry, both, concealed and openly throughout the state, gentlemen.’ ‘My ID and CCW are strapped to my left leg, just, above my ankle.’ and; ‘It’s Friday the 23rd of April – Why do you ask, officer?’ I, then, allowed the police to open my ankle wallet and check out my: ID, driver’s license, and CCW – all of which were current and in proper order.
It was, all, so embarrassing; the parking lot in front of, ‘Toys R’ Us’ looked like a police convention – What with all the police cars, flashing lights, and everything! (There was, even, a news helicopter circling around overhead.) I’m afraid that my good name and standing in the community might have been irretrievably damaged. (I’m a general torts attorney with dual specialties in, both, divorce and bankruptcy.) These officers seemed very reluctant to let me go. At one point they, even, went so far as to ask me, ‘Why’ I needed to carry two guns and four magazines inside a toy store? After this I began to lose patience and, for the first time, told the police that; ‘I was well within my rights; and it was none of their business!’ A police captain who seemed to be in charge, then, criticized me for not wearing a jacket; and it was, further, suggested that I should make some effort to clean up the various skid marks that my (very necessary) brake tests had made across several store aisles.
After being detained for more than 2 hours, first in the back of a squad car and later at the police station, I was finally released into the custody of my mother who was forced to come down to the station house in order to sign off for me. On the way out of the station I had to walk past a mixed gauntlet of, both, local cops and state police who kept staring at me and shaking their heads. To make matters worse, my guns weren’t returned until the next day; and I had to go back to the police station in order to pick them up. (The police have kept the bullets which, in spite of my repeated requests, still haven’t been returned to me.)
Quite frankly, I am outraged! I believe that my civil rights and personal liberties under, both, the federal and state constitutions have been clearly violated! (Remember my home state ALLOWS open-carry and, ‘Toys R’ Us’ has no stated policy against firearms inside any of their stores; or, at least, last week they didn’t.) What do the rest of you guys think? Should I sue the Mittledorf Police Department for this outrage to my civil liberties? (Don’t forget that I’m an attorney; so I could really fry, ‘their bacon’ if I want to!) Please give me your honest opinion(s) – OK.
PS: I decided to buy a bright red, Huffy tricycle for my nephew’s 7th birthday. It was on sale - marked down to $165. from $199. It has a solid drive train and really great breaks. I’m sure he’s going to, just, love it!
