Gun Jokes :)

[nibb]

Grandma Gotta Gun

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

 

[JBusch8899]

Henry

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her nasty habit, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an hypocrite to Christianity after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only gun shop one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry, and several others, that everyone seeing it there knew what he was doing, and what his problem was.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry.

 

[qlajlu]

Crime doesn't pay

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop…Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? The old lady was only shouting a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

 

[MatthewVanitas]

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician went out deer hunting for the first time.

A big buck comes crashing out of the brush; the physicist shoots and misses three feet to the left, the chemist shoots and misses by three feet to the right.

The statistician shouts out "you got him! You got him!"



(for those curious, the physicist had a Savage 99 in .250-3000, the chemist had a .308 Saiga with ACE stock, and the statistician had a 7mm Remington Rolling-Block. Just getting the details in...)

 

[Spiphel Rike]

nibb, someone actually used that joke for an optometry ad.

 

[Cesiumsponge]

I remember seeing that commercial for the St. John Eye Care Center. It didn't have the police station part but it was funnier than heck. It's on youtube but it won't load for me right now.

 

[qlajlu]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

 

[earthworm]

Not really a joke but...

...seems like everybody has an uncle who was a Marine sniper 'cause if you mention any gun to 5 people it never fails someone's uncle had one & (A) couldn't hit the side of a barn if he was in the barn with it,(B) could hit hummingbirds on the wing at 50 yards with his.

 

[RustyShackelford]

YOUR NEXT

A guy finds out his wife is cheating on him. He gets so upset he pulls out a gun and points it at his own head. His wife comes in the room and starts to laugh at him. The guy turns to wife and gets mad. He yells out; "Don't laugh, your next!".

 

[1911Tuner]

Quaker

Guy breaks into a Quaker's home, knowing that Quakers are pacifists and won't fight back. While helping himself to the gentle family's goods, he hears a noise...which turns out to be the man of the house...standing in the doorway with a sawed-off, 12 gauge double shotgun.

After a brief, frozen silence, the Quaker said quietly:

"Friend, not for all the world would I do thee harm...but thou art standing where I am about to shoot."

 

[SwampFox]

 

[SwampFox]

Not about guns....
Not really a joke, but.....


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

 

[1911Tuner]

All Dogs go to Heaven

It matters not, Swampfox. it was a good story.

 

[zoom6zoom]

Since they go to heaven, I'll offer up this one...

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things — chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

 

[zoom6zoom]

A few more...

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that she could see from the bedroom window that I'd left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, who told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to hurry now cause I've shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, a helicopter, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



How to handle a Traffic stop

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. (The driver owned the car.)

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too.


________


A priest was delivering a sermon entitled "Stand Still and let the good Lord Fight your battles", on the topic of not fighting but letting God vanquish evil himself. As he was delivering the sermon, a gust of wind lifted his garment and the congregation noticed he was carrying a gun.

After the service a congregant asked him, "I understood your sermon, but aren't you contradicting yourself by carrying a gun? You did say you are supposed to let the Lord fight your battles for you?"

"I do", said the priest "the gun is just to hold them off until the Lord gets here".
________________________

A big-city, anti-gun lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

 

[qlajlu]

Jesus is watching

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
__________________

Circle flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh, no, officer," the farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

[Hypnogator]

Ok, ok. You've forced me in to it! No collection of gun jokes would be complete without the famous gorilla joke.

Quite some years ago, a rich hunter paid an extravagant amount for a safari in Africa, the object of which was to hunt the great Mountain Gorilla. The outfitter equipped him with a huge native guide, Nagumba, and an even huger brindled hunting dog. After Nagumba watched the hunter carefully sight in his rifle, the three headed for the bush, in gorilla territory.

The first day, they spotted a great male gorilla. The dog immediately charged the gorilla, chasing it up to the very top of a tall tree. Nagumba deftly climbed up the tree into a position just under the gorilla, and began shaking the branches violently. After a few minutes, the gorilla lost it’s grip on the branch, and came tumbling down to the ground. Before the hunter could shoot, the dog immediately leaped on the gorilla, grabbed it by the crotch, took out a mighty bite which included all that made the male gorilla male. The gorilla quickly expired, and was duly skinned and packed for taxidermy.

The next day, the same thing happened. The dog treed a gorilla, Nagumba shook it out of the tree, but before bwana could shoot, the dog grabbed the gorilla by the crotch, and killed it. The hunter didn’t say anything, but clearly wasn’t happy that he hadn’t gotten in on the kill.

The third day, when the same thing happened, after the dog had finished, the hunter expressed his dismay to Nagumba, saying he might as well leave his rifle in camp, as he apparently wasn’t going to get the opportunity to use it! Nagumba assured him that his presence with the rifle was most essential during the hunt, and that he should keep it very clean and make sure it was loaded at all times while they were in the field.

Well, the fourth day, they spotted an especially huge and fine example of male gorillahood, which the dog quickly treed. Nagumba scurried up the tree right behind the gorilla and began shaking it. But this time, the gorilla started shaking the tree, himself, so eventually it was Nagumba who lost his grip and came tumbling down through the branches. As he fell, the hunter could hear him screaming, “Quick! Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!”

 

[foob]

More more, damn the gorilla joke is funny.

 

[qlajlu]

Aunt Nancy

The teacher gave her fourth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, “My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“What's the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don't put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘don't count your chickens before they're hatched.’”

“That was a fine story, Sarah.”

“Heather, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, my mommy told me this story about my Aunt Nancy. Aunt Nancy was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

“She killed seventy of them with the machine gun before she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your mommy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's been drinking.”

 

[Steelharp]

This is great... I wish I had one to contribute. The only gun joke I have would be any of my targets...

 

[Grape Ape]

So this lawyer takes his Czechoslovakian friend fishing. Unfortunately a couple of bears who had the same idea show up and the rather large and cranky male attacks the lawyer’s friend. The last thing the lawyer sees as he beats feet is the bear beginning to eat his friend.

The lawyer finds a game warden and returns to find the male napping contentedly while his mate fishes. The lawyer points out the male who ate his buddy to the ranger who shoulders his rifle, takes careful aim and dispatches the female with one careful shot. The other bear jumps up and quickly disappears into the woods. The dumbfounded lawyer tells the ranger that he has shot the wrong bear and he will have the ranger fired.

After all this information is presented at a disciplinary hearing, and the ranger admits that he meant to shoot the female, the park superintendent asks the ranger why he chose to shoot the wrong bear. To which the ranger replies: “You expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”

 

[SwampFox]

An atheist was walking through the woods. He said to himself: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen".

 

[MNgoldenbear]

Was sent this one shortly before moving from PRK to MN:

A Texan, an Iowan, and a Minnesotan are riding horses out on the range. The Texan, just to show off, pulls an expensive bottle of whiskey out of his saddlebag, takes a couple drinks, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in mid-air. The Iowan is shocked and asks, "What are you doing? That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!"

A little while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Iowan pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it, just like the Texan. The Minnesotan can't believe it. "What are you doing? That was a very expensive bottle of champagne!" With a wink to the Texan, he says, "In Iowa, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

About 15 minutes later, the Minnesotan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the rest of the bottle. Then he places the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the Iowan. The Texan is visibly shaken. "What did you do that for?!?!" The Minnesotan replies, "Well, in Minnesota, we have plenty of people from Iowa, we don't waste beer, and bottles are returnable."

 

[earthworm]

The teacher asked the little kids to write a paragraph on what they were going to do over Spring Celebration (formerly the Easter holiday).Little Johnny started writting then asked the teacher "How do you spell gun?" The teacher told him.Then Johnny asked "How do you spell die?" The teacher told him but being a mite unsettled by these questions asked Johnny what he & his family were doing over the weekend.
"We're gun die Easter eggs!"

 

[weregunner]

Hunting Lions in the Sahara Desert

If one hunts lions in the Sahara Desert you will need a shovel and large wooden box with mesh screen as a sieve. Instructions are thus. Shovel sand and dirt into box.Sift all the sand completely through .Lions are too big to go through. Shoot accordingly.