Gun Jokes :)

[Glockman17366]

"A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years."

A good story...

It's actually the plot and story line of one off the old Twilight Zone episodes called "The Hunt".

Still a good story...

 

[Working Man]

A southerner went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the man to show his hunting license, so he pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The man reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The man then reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the man reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hunter, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"You tell me. You're the expert.":

 

[280PLUS]

Stosh and Stanley are trudgng through the woods hunting one day. They weren't having much luck when suddenly they stumbled across a beautiful blonde laying on a blanket with nothing on but what God gave her. Stanley looks at her with a wry smile and says, "Are you game?" And in a sultry voice she replies, "Why, yes I am!" So Stosh shot her...

 

[bblumen]

Four doctors go duck hunting...a general practitioner, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After some time in the blind a group of birds fly by. The general practitioner aims his shotgun but does not take the shot. "I wasn't sure if they were ducks." A few minutes pass and another group of birds are overhead. The psychiatrist stands and aims but does not fire. "I knew they were ducks but I am not sure that they knew they were ducks." A few more minutes go by and once again a group of birds fly in range. The surgeon stands and BAM, BAM, BAM. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go check those damn birds to see if they are ducks."

 

[qlajlu]

In Mississippi

Two men are driving through Mississippi when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Mis'ipi boy," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license—he's clean—and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says, "that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that a*****e would've tried that s*** with me.'"

 

[Phil DeGraves]

Father O'Reilly walks up to a house, and knocks on the door. A little boy answers. "Hello, Father," the little boy says.

"Hello, son," Father O'Reilly says. "I'm collecting for the orphanage."

"Alright. Just a minute, Father," the little boy says and disappears back into the house.

Father O'Reilly waits outside a few minutes and hears two gunshots from inside the house.
Shortly, the little boy appears at the door with a smoking revolver in his hand and says, "Okay, Father, I'm ready to go now."

 

[knoxx45]

Another hunting dog joke

Bob and Joe go rabbit hunting, and bob brings along his new dog. As Bob and Joe are getting ready to head out, Bob says, “watch this”, and lets his dog run out into the woods. A few minutes later, the dog returns, sits down and barks 4 times. Bob then said, “we are only going to get 4 rabbits to day”. Joe laughs it off, but after a long day of hunting, they only bag 4 rabbits. The following day, the same thing. Bob lets his dog run out into the woods, but this time when the dog comes back, he sits mute. Bob and Joe don’t even see a single rabbit that day, never mind shoot one. On the next day, the dog runs out comes back and barks 10 times. Bob and Joe then go out and shoot 10 rabbits. When they get back to camp, Joe is so impressed, that he offers to buy Bob’s dog. After much nagging, Bob finally sells Joe his dog. Several years go by and Bob and Joe run into each other at the local watering hole. Eventually bob asks, “so how is my old dog doing?” Joe replies, “I had to put him down, he went crazy.” Bob is concerned and says, “why, what happened?”. So Joe said, “I took him hunting just like always, but this time, I let him out and he was gone half the day. When he finally came back, he started humping my leg and barking none stop. Then, he picks up a tree branch, and started swinging it at us. I figured that he had gone mad, so I had him put down”. Bob looks at joe and says” you idiot, he was telling you that there were more fu*king rabbits than you could shake a stick at.”

 

[Rovi]

The golfing hitman

A guy went off alone one morning to play golf, as his usual buddy, Joe, had cried off at the last moment. When he got to the course he asked if anyone wanted to make up a twosome, and another guy said that he would.
As they were chatting during the round, he asked the other fella what he did for a living. “I’m a hitman” he said.
“Go on, you’re kidding with me. What do you really do?”
“No” said the other guy, “I really am a hitman. Look at this.”
With that he pulled a scoped sniper rifle out of his golf bag.
“Wow!” said the first guy, “Can I have a look through the scope?”
The hitman handed him the rifle, and he put it to his shoulder.
“Wow!” he said, “This is an amazing scope, I bet it’s powerful enough to see my house from here.”
He cranked the scope up to full power, and aimed in the direction of his house.
“This is fantastic” he said, “I can see right into my bedroom window.
I see my wife is still in bed, she must be having a sneaky lie-on while I’m not there.
HEY! What’s Joe doing in there?
WHAT ARE THEY DOING???
Oh my God, I can’t believe this!”
He turned to the hitman and asked “What do you charge for your services?”
“$1000 a shot.”
“Right, I want you to shoot my wife in the head, as she doesn’t deserve to live for this betrayal. Joe’s been my buddy for my whole life though, so I can’t bring myself to have him killed; I want you to shoot his d**k off instead. It’ll be worth the $2000”
“Okay” said the hitman, and settled down into a shooting position over the edge of a bunker.
Minute after minute ticked by, and the hitman still hadn’t taken a shot.
“What’s the problem?” our man asked.
“Have a little patience” said the hitman, “I’m trying to save you $1000 here.”

.

 

[HankB]

Another Uncle Bob Story

My Uncle Bob was waterfowl hunting in Minnesota some years back.

Well, along comes a game warden to do a license and bag limit check and finds out, to his horror, that Uncle Bob was shooting loons.

Loons, the state bird of Minnesota, are not game birds.

"Bob" says the warden "Your license is only good for ducks and geese, not loons. I'll have to run you in and you're going to have to pay a fine."

So in short order, Bob is in the back of the warden's car, and they're off to HQ.

Well, it's quite some drive, and the warden starts to get talkative.

"Bob" says he, "Why the heck were you shooting loons, anyway?"

Says Uncle Bob "Warden, a man's got a right to feed his family, don't he?"

"So you eat the loons?" asks the warden.

"Yep" says Uncle Bob "Why in tarnation would I shoot them otherwise?"

There's a short silence.

"Bob" says the warden "Since you're eating them and not wasting them, maybe I can get the judge to go easy on you."

"Much obliged" says Uncle Bob.

"Now, what you did is still illegal, and there's no excuse for it, but what, exactly, does a loon taste like"

Uncle Bob thinks for a minute. "Sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a whooping crane."

 

[learn2shoot]

Preacher in the flood

About a year ago, there was this preacher, who did not belive in owning guns, and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me."

The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me."

The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"

Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me."

With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!!"

The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away.


The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?"

God then replied, " I sent you a car,a raft,a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?"

 

[learn2shoot]

Lawyer

Q: You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

---------------------------------------------------------
She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd even been discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand. During his summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the basis that the lady was now a widow.

 

[arthurcw]

Back in the day, a man and his wife were riding their cart from their farm to the town to sell some of their wares. The mule pulling the cart trips in a hole in the dirt road and stumbles. The cart tips sideways and spills some of its contents. The Man gets out and picks up the boxes and what not, loads them, then goes to check the mule, its leg, and its harness. He pats the Mule on the nose and says kindly, “That’s one.”

A few miles down the road the Mule does it again. Again the Man gets out of the cart and picks up everything, checks the mule, and says very lovingly, “That’s two.”

About a half hour later the Mule does it again. The Farmer says with a sigh, “That’s three.” He reaches behind him and pulls out a rifle and shoots the mule dead.

His wife goes apoplectic. “HENRY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! We are still hours form town! How the heck fire do you think we are going to get this stuff to market?!!!”

Henry leans over gently and caresses the side of his wife’s face peacefully and says, “That’s one.”

 

[firesafety3]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."


Ok...no gun involved but I had to share.

 

[romma]

Bear Hunting Trip Gone Bad

Don was excited to go bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear in the
woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, so he turned
around and saw a big black bear.

The black bear said, "Don, you've got two choices: either I maul you to
death or we have sex." Don decided to bend over.

After two weeks of feeling sore, Don recovered and vowed revenge. He
headed out on another trip, where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear was
standing right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two
choices: either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

Again, Don thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it
took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged, he headed
back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He
felt the sweet taste of revenge.

But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned around to find a
giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Don,
you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[tombstone 10]

Bear Attack

A group of tourist and their guide setting around a campfire in the Alaskan bush one night were asking questions to their guide.
One lady asked the guide "is it true that human manure will stop a bear from attacking you??"
The guide replied "yes that"s true"..
The lady asked "where do you get the manure??"
The guide replied "Lady when that happens, just reach behind you!!!"

 

[lawson]

a young man is driving cross-country on a hot and humid afternoon. he passes through a small rural town, and sees a bar, so he decides to stop and have a brew.

he sits down at the bar and orders a beer, and drinks it while watching the TV. the news comes on, and there's an address from President Clinton.

the young man loudly exclaims "that guy is a real horse's a**!". hearing this, a barfly gets up and punches him in the face, and storms out of the bar.

the young man rubs his eye in shock, and turns to the bartender. "you guys must like Clinton out here, huh?" he asks the bartender.

the old bartender turns to him and says "No, son, we like horses."

 

[Rovi]

Two men were in the African bush photographing antelope, when they realised they were being stalked by a leopard.
1st guy: "Let's try to move away slowly, and hope it doesn't follow us."
2nd guy: "Okay, but just let me do this first."
The 2nd guy takes off his safari boots and takes a pair of running shoes out of his backpack.
As he is putting them on, the 1st guy says: "What are you doing, you're never going to outrun a leopard?"
2nd guy: "Ah, but that's the thing; I don't need to out run the leopard, I just need to outrun you."

.

 

[jashobeam]

While hunting deep in the African bush, three hunters were captured by a native tribe.

The chief of the tribe approached the first hunter and asked, "Death or Boola-boola?"

The first hunter replied, "I don't want to die. I'll take boola-boola."

Consequently, every man in the tribe sodomized the poor hunter.

The chief asked the second hunter, "Death or Boola-boola?"

The second hunter replied, "I don't want to die. I'll take boola-boola." And all the men had their way with him also.

Finally, the chief asked the third hunter, "Death or Boola-boola?"

This hunter responded, "Forget that! I'll take death!"



The cheif said, "So be it. Death by Boola-boola."

 

[tuna]

A sergeant, a Major, a CNN reporter and an ACLU lawyer were captured by terrorists. After a week of negotiations, the terrorists said they were going to execute them all, but they each had one last wish. The sergeant wanted to go first and asked to be kicked in the groin. After the terrorist kicked him in the groin, the sergeant doubled over, but when he straightened up, he had a pistol in his hand, which he used to shoot all the terrorists and get all the hostages to safety.
"Where did the pistol come from?" asked the Maj
"I had it all along" replied the sergeant
"Well why did you wait till now to use it?"
"I was waiting on the right timing"
"Oh, I guess that makes sense, but why did you ask to be kicked in the privates before you used it?"
"What, and have the lawyer accuse me of starting this, and the reporter putting it on the news?"

 

[Boom-stick]

Aussie Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,
Sheila

 

[Flintlock Tom]

I vote for Boom Stick: no one's going to top that!

 

[Stevie-Ray]

Humorous if not jokes

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim toward the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are absolutely guaranteed to hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anonymous
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter, and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if the ATC screws up, the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
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Advice given to RAF pilots during World War II: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself

 

[EasternShore]

Urban Legend but I have met folks that would fit the mould.

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and, of course, all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and, of course, the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for ... RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

BOOM!

Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

 

[EasternShore]

And to expand on Stevie...

Murphy's laws of combat:

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when you're ready for them.
when you're not ready for them.

Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.

Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Friendly fire isn't.

If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.

Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

The one item you need is always in short supply.

The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.

A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

Murphy was a grunt.

 

[19112XS]

I don't make 'em up folks, I just pass 'em along;


Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by
posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you. You are carrying a Model 1911 Colt, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
....................................................................

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does
the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my
wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun
like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law
say about this situation? Does the 1911 Colt have appropriate safety
built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what
kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is
it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely
want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I
were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street so
deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and
make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
...................................................................


Republican's Answer:
BANG!
....................................................................

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click................
(sounds of reloading.) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Gold Dots or Golden
Sabers?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!