Gun Jokes :)

[leadcounsel]

During the Katrina hurricane and flooding, a devout religious man was stranded on a rooftop during quickly rising water levels and rapid currents, which were at the second story windows of his two story house.

The first rescue helicopter flew overhead with a rescue line, but the man waved the helicopter on, saying "The Lord will save me." The helicopter moved on.

As water levels were nearing the peak of roof, the 2nd rescue helicopter attempted to rescue the man, but he refused to accept their help, saying "The Lord will save me!" The helicopter moved on.

As the man was holding on to the TV antenae and the water current was pulling at his waist, the man waved on the 3rd rescue attempt saying the "The Lord will save me."

Finally, the man was swept away and drown by the waters. When he was in heaven he spoke with the Lord. He said, "Lord, why didn't you save me from drowning in the floodwaters?" The Lord responded by saying, "I sent 3 rescue helicopters, what more do you want?!"

 

[p35]

Cop pulls a guy over for speeding and asks "What's the hurry?"

"Sorry, I'm running late to work."

"What do you do?"

"Rectum stretcher at the slaughterhouse."

"What the heck is a rectum stretcher?"

"Well, you start out with two fingers, work it out until you get both hands in, and just keep going as far as you can. I usually get them to about six feet."

"Well, what do you do with a six foot a**hole?"

"Hide him in the bushes with a radar gun!"

 

[Rumble]

Zis fokker...

During an interview with Rene Fonck, the famous French flying ace from WWI, the newscaster asks about his most challenging air victory. The French ace begins to describe the duel, using his hands the way any fighter pilot will.

He says, "Well, I was over ze battlefield, trying to locate ze enemy, when all of a sudden zis fokker come in behind me, like zo...out of ze soleil, if you understand. Anyway, zis fokker come in behind me, and he starts to shoot his gonz, and so I move zis way and zen bank to ze right, hoping to shake ze fokker--"

At that point, the newscaster cuts in hurriedly and says, "I think it's important at this point to mention that a 'fokker' is a type of German airplane."

The French pilot pauses and says, "Well of course zis ees true. But zis fokker was flying an Albatross."


======

And as an addition to the lists of aphorisms, one I picked up somewhere:

"The three most useless things to a pilot are: the sky above him, the runway behind him, and the last 7 seconds."




Edit: changed the Messerschmidt bit because apparently, they didn't make WWI fighters. Sigh. It has a better ring than "Albatross."

 

[learn2shoot]

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

I was rolling on that line!!!

 

[Librarian]

Edit: changed the Messerschmidt bit because apparently, they didn't make WWI fighters. Sigh. It has a better ring than "Albatross."

First version I heard was a Swedish WWII fighter pilot telling the story, so Messerschmitt fit.

 

[nibb]

Very funny, but lets stay on the Topic guns.
Gun Jokes




The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '

"And here I am."

 

[RustyShackelford]

Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld

President Bush, Vice President Cheney and SECDEF Rumsfeld had a plane crash and were captured by terrorists in Afganistan. The tangos decided to shoot them so they put the three men against a wall in front of group of shooters with AK-47s.

Cheney yelled out "Hurricane!" and in the panic he ran away. The terrorists got back together put Cheney and Bush back against the wall. Rumsfeld yelled: "Flood!" and in all the chaos ran to safety. The tangos mad at the loss of 2 hostages grab Bush and put him against the wall. President Bush looked around and then yelled out "FIRE!".

LOL

Rusty

 

[jcoiii]

qlajlu,

I cried for five minutes, thank you!

 

[Spot77]

I didn't read all of the jokes in this thread so I apologize if this is a repeat. And it's almost sorta' kinda' gun related.

TEST

Give An Honest Answer...

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.


The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.


Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.


Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION



You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



===============================================



THE TEST



Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks fami liar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.



THE TEST QUESTION



Here's the test question, and please give an honest answer.......



Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go

with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

[Phil DeGraves]

I think I'd wait til the storm clears so as not to get the camera wet.