Handling handshakes from strangers...?

[RoostRider]

Just thought I would toss you guys this one to chew on....

I carry constantly, and I live in a major city in a so-so neighborhood (not the best by a LONG shot, but not the worst either)... I work all over, including the worst neighborhoods...

Despite the logic of many around here I DO stop at gas stations in bad neighborhoods... I simply have to, or run out of gas, miss appointments, etc... (don't even start in with the "move away" stuff, although I respect that attitude, there are plenty of threads about that, this should not be another- thanks).

Well, every once in a while, in one of the 'lesser' neighborhoods, someone comes up and try's to shake your hand.... a total stranger mind you.... usually going to hit you up for some spare change.... ... it doesn't happen in the better neighborhoods, or rurally now that I think about it...

The problem is that I grew up in a very rural area, and it was simply inexplicable to NOT shake a mans hand when he offers it... a straight up insult, mind you.... the kind of thing you would do to the guy who just beat up a girl or something...

It is, after all, a gesture based on the premise of "I am unarmed"... offering an empty hand.... right?

It took me a little while to get over that after moving to the city....

So here I am to this day.... torn between shaking someones hand (a vulnerable move), but what a guy 'should' be able to do (in fact, if it were a lot more common, the world might be a better place)... and being 'rude', something that is contrary to my nature....

I KNOW it is a method people can use to 'size you up' as a mark for a number of bad things.... and I question everyone who tries this move...

I'm a little bemused at myself because today I broke tradition and shook a guys hand.... but my mind flashed 'bad idea, bad idea' despite the fact that the guy was nice as all get out and turned out to be harmless... but it brought up this complex to me....

Sure, safety is important, but to be 'totally safe' we would have to be anti-social at best as a people.... you gotta draw the line somewhere... where?

Personally, I have taken the 'so long as you don't touch me we're OK' approach for a long time.... but I sometimes question my logic... I'd like your input.... mostly because I am pretty sure you guys are gonna assure me that 'don't touch me' is pretty decent route and that being a 'little' rude is better then being a little vulnerable.... lol

 

[ChaoSS]

There is no reason to shake hands with a total stranger. If it were a business setting and you were meeting someone for the first time, you shake their hand. If someone walks up to you on the street and tries to take you hand, you ignore them and keep moving.

 

[Oyeboten]

Don't even let it get that far...


Leaving aside the liabilities of the 'interview', inroad-sniffing or potential of evolving ploys, many of these people have weeping sores and 'Aids/HIV', 'Hep-C' and so on...


Not so good...

 

[DogStar]

When this has happened to me (you're right, it seems to be a homeless guy tactic) I've just put my hands up in the air somewhat defensively and reminded the person that I don't know them. It's a little rude, but so's begging for money.

 

[rrruuunnn]

It may have been rude where you grew up. But it isn't as much in the city. I've had someone twice refuse to shake my hand in a classroom and Casino table. I felt bad, but I didn't make a big deal about it. When I'm in my car, I won't roll my window down. I talk to them through a crack. They didn't seem offended.

 

[Four Knives]

As you say someone 'comes up' and wants to shake your hand.

Maybe a verbal challenge well before they reach handshaking distance might help. Lets them know you're aware of their presence and may give you a chance to shoo them away prior to them getting danger close.

a firm "May I help You" comes to mind, but I think someone else here might be able to come up with a better challenge phrase.


**also agree w/DogStar - your personal safety trumps a bit of minor rudeness. Probability is low that someone will jump off a bridge because you didn't shake his hand, however, if you let a stranger tie up your stronghand with a handshake, you have really put yourself in a precarious position.

 

[Girodin]

I'll echo the sentiments already expressed. Strange person behaving in a strange manner making you feel uncomfortable is license to be less than polite as you might be at cotillion. If it is not the type of situation in which hand shakes are customary then don't and I wouldn't lose sleep over being rude.

I literally shoved a bum very forcefully in France when he tried to bizou.

 

[Oyeboten]

A pained if somehow sympathetic sidmissive elbow-high wave and a 'No'-nod ( as if one has a bad hangover, say, and just the approaching person's voice is painful, or is expected to be) , from 8 feet, while saying, "No man, whatever it is, just "No"...I'm havin' kind of a bad day today, best just stay clear..." and say it with a gravelly - speaking to a peer - sorta voice.


Has worked well for me...

It shows respect in it's way, and, if there is a next time of the same person, the person usually pasues or stops at ten feet to try their schtick Hat-in-Hand-ish, in effect, asking perission to dare venture closer...


Where, then, a slightly pained, curt, sideways nod of "No" and slightest hand wave/wobble from the hip, is all that's needed ( as if to say nothing has changed since last time, or it may even be worse, Lol...).

...and after that, they do not bother again.

 

[Bovice]

I ignore people like that all the time. If it's a complete stranger, what's the harm in it? If they get offended and say something, act like you didn't hear. The thousand yard stare is one of my specialities. On a college campus, especially this time of year with SGA positions up for election, I get lots of practice with this approach. I really disagree with the concept of SGA (it's a paid position, Pres. gets 10,000 and has no REAL power. 11 months out of the year we hear nothing from them. It's a popularity contest.) and they're especially pushy, trying to get passer-by's to stop at the table and vote, because "it only takes a minute!". Most of them try to stop me at least twice, call me a name, and go on to the next one. No big deal.

Now, on the ones who are PARTICULARLY pesky, I take a more direct approach. I'll say "get out of the way", "bark up another tree", or "piss in someone else's pool".

I like the approach listed above by Oyeboten, with the "hangover" look. That one works well.

Act as if you don't know they're there. But be ready if it turns out to be a trap.

 

[Martyk]

Your not in Kansas anymore.. Your in the city and survival means that you have to be Street Smart. The handshake is a tactic to get into your personal space. Could be any number of reasons, Pick Pocket, Mugging, Make you feel vulnerable so you give them "Get Away" money. A person may very well turn out to be OK, but the strategy is deliberate. Listen to your internal alarm. I understand your internal conflict but those rules don't apply in this era and in an area where it sounds like you are in. Don't be afraid to take a step back, put up your hand and say "I don't do that - how can I help you" when a stranger tries to dupe you and get into your space with a handshake.

 

[P97]

I had that problem until I started using a Cane. Now they don't try to shake my hand, and if they did, I wouldn't turn lose of the cane to shake it. You can always turn lose of the cane when you want to shake a friends hand. They aren't offended because they think you have to use the cane for support.

 

[shenandoah]

My father in law wouldn't shake hands at all, stranger or not, he was a famous germophobe in this town. If I was worried about it, I'd wear a left hand small of back holster, it's not always a BG tjat wants to shake your hand, but if it was you'd still be able to draw.

 

[Six]

I opt for something like
"Sorry, I don't shake hands. You know, with swine flu and everything going around."

You go from rude to weird and avoid the handshake without giving anything away.

 

[Fred Fuller]

Roost,

By offering to shake hands, a would-be VCA (violent criminal actor) is getting inside an intended victim's OODA loop*. The VCA is taking a specific action which he expects will distract his victim from whatever he was thinking at the time, cause him a moment of confusion or indecisiveness ("Do I know this person?"), and allow the VCA to not only get closer but actually make physical contact and gain control of one of the intended victim's hands.

Now chances are, the offer means just that and no more- a handshake. But if it isn't, then the unsuspecting victim is placed at a significant disadvantage- which is the purpose of this or any similar ploy. It's wise to be aware of the difference.

fwiw,

lpl

* http://www.valuebasedmanagement.net/methods_boyd_ooda_loop.html

 

[mcdonl]

Sad world. I shake the hand that is offered. Maybe it is my physical build, but I find that when a stranger offers a hand to me as is common when I volunteer at the soup kitchen and rehab facility in the city, that I take his hand I leave no doubt that I am in physical control of that situation.

Besides, I just couldn't live with myself if I ignored a mans gesture of a handshake.

Yes, self defense and protection is important but living free is just as important in my mind. And, if you live in fear of a greeting from a stranger are you really living or just existing?

My opinion, yours may vary.

 

[shockwave]

This is where being a martial artist pays off. Getting somebody in the "handshake" position gives you complete control over them. The system of chin na (joint locking) is very effective and can be acquired quickly as an add-on to your repertoire.

When you are in the "handshake" position, you can feel the other person's intention, balance, and basically you're getting all kinds of useful information. Lock down the grip, turn and he's in an arm bar, and other moves as well. The video linked gives you a small sample.

 

[Arkansas Paul]

To me it isn't about shaking hands. It's about someone I don't know, who wants something from me, getting too close to me.
And I'm not a total jerk. I've been known to slip a homeless guy a couple of dollars now and then. That's a lot more than most would do. But when it comes to physical contact, I draw the line.
You said it in the original post, being a little rude beats being a little vulnerable ten times out of ten. I'm looking out for number one.

 

[Deanimator]

I am unapologetically cold toward strangers, especially strangers who are unlikely to bring anything positive to my life. If that hurts a bum's feelings, so be it. If I don't know you and you're not engaged in a legitimate business transaction with me, you have no business trying to touch me, nevermind shake my hand. Most such attempts I've seen have involved attempts to ingratiate oneself so as to beg for money. I don't give handouts. The possibility that such an attempt could be a prelude to a physical assault is extremely credible.

 

[rcl5445]

Your not in Kansas anymore..

I disagree!

I prefer to stop them from entering my "bubble" by starting a conversation. I dont care if im rude to some people by not offering my hand. I keep them at least arms reach and try to conduct a civil conversation.

 

[bikerdoc]

Simple narrow answer to the OPs question.

No, I do not shake hands with a stranger, when approached in public.

I will say, " Im kinda buzy dude, take care. Bye" Persist and the Mr crankypants personality emerges.

 

[frayluisfan]

Agree with above

I agree with the above. In a crappy part of town, I'd avoid contact with strangers. Some great suggestions above, about "Sorry dude, I'm busy. Take care." etc. I plan to keep those in mind for my own use. Thanks guys!

If a handshake is unavoidable (e.g., your in a bubble and the guy is on top of you before you realize it [that's a problem in itself, I know]), a pastor once told me a good technique. In his situation, shaking hundreds of hands a Sunday, lots of people (young guys mainly) want to give him a very firm handshake, and by about handshake #222, they're physically hurting him. What he told me he does is this: move to shake, but grab the guy's fingers before he gets them totally around your hand. Kind of like a handshake that didn't quite "mesh" right. It works for his purposes, but might also work for you if accosted by a bum who wants to shake hands. Then if needed, you can squish the living crap out of his fingers. This is very painful, and it keeps the other guy from having any effective grasp on you, and will stop any potential problem, I think.

Hope this helps
Frayluisfan

 

[Gouranga]

Definitely agree with posters above.

To add, IMO, what is rude is invading a total strangers personal space and initiating physical contact with them when it is not socially acceptable.

IF I am introducing myself to you as part of a VALID business transaction (which does not include a cold call unsolicited type of sales, or begging), then yeah I would shake your hand. If I am being introduced to someone by a person ai trust, then yeah a shake is in order. If I am in church and we do the "greet your neighbor" think, that's fine.

Walking up to a complete stranger, unsolicited, and expecting them to welcome you into their personal space, to me, that is whats rude.

 

[IllHunter]

Why we shake hands...

It was once sufficient to salute, to raise your strong hand to lift your visor to recognize or be recognized. Then we lifted the ungloved hand to show we held no weapon. The touching and shaking came later, perhaps to verify really having no weapon. Now some think it required, mandated by the acceptance requested by the oncomer. I think I'll keep my hands in my pockets and let them guess....

 

[WNC Seabee]

Sometimes it's nice to be left handed! Keeps my strong hand free most of the time.

I wholeheartedly agree with the "Dude..it's been a long day, leave me alone" approach.

 

[Deanimator]

Walking up to a complete stranger, unsolicited, and expecting them to welcome you into their personal space, to me, that is whats rude.

And it usually has an ulterior motive. Just how negative that motive is depends entirely upon that individual, and even upon his instant whim.

I don't "banter" with transgressive strangers. In such situations, smalltalk is often a way to distract, either from the perpetrator's actions or from others he hopes you won't notice. More fundamentally, no total stranger who accosts me in the street is likely to have anything to say which I want to hear. Walking through downtown Cleveland, Chicago or Philadelphia, I have NEVER had a total stranger walk up to me and spontaneously begin talking about German fighterplanes introduced in 1918, Japanese woodblock prints or Altaic grammar.

Christmas before last, I was accosted by a scam artist in the Cleveland Amtrak station. He was begging money for his "family, living in his car". He'd already intimidated several women into giving him money. When he got to me, I gave him my best "Josey Wales" stare and told him, "I've got nothing for you." He moved on quickly, only to be ejected moments later by an Amtrak cop who'd apparently ejected him previously.