How Do You Fix Fear?

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If you want to invest the time and effort. Take it slow and educate her when she seems receptive to the idea. It might well take a life changing event to truly nudge her toward knowing how to handle firearms somewhat and that is a shame.

It is very difficult to teach old dogs new tricks.
 
Is it the idea of YOU with a gun that makes her afraid?
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I'm surprised it took this long for someone to ask. No, it's not the idea of me owning a gun that upsets her. :D

I've been thinking more about this and what I would do if someone tried to "help" me overcome a fear or dislike that I didn't want to overcome or wasn't ready to. That not-so-helpful "help" and the lack of respect it demonstrates would quickly become the real issue. I've been feisty all morning just thinking about it.
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Maybe I've been phrasing things wrong. What I want to take away from this thread is a method to open communication on the topic without upsetting her, or sounding like a jackass.

She and I had a discussion based on a response to my original post, specifically this one.

Do you really think she is afraid of guns, or is it that she just really doesn't like guns? Two different things that can manifest themselves in a similar manner.
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I asked her that particular question, and her response surprised me. I can't quote her exactly, but the general gist of it was that she's not so much afraid of the gun, or as she put it, "the mechanism" (I do remember her saying that), and she isn't afraid of me owning a gun, but that there are people who are unsafe around firearms and own them. I think her words were, "I'm more afraid of idiots who own guns and are a danger to others because of it." But don't quote me on that because I'm 100% positive that those were her exact words.

I just had a thought. Would it be a bad idea to ask her to post her thoughts on gun ownership on this thread? She knows I posted this thread, and if it were her words instead of mine, it would better express what she feels, and not what I might interpret from what she said. Anybody have any objections to that idea? If so, why?
 
It would be nice to think you can "change her", but would you want her "changing" you? One of my buddies married a nice looking wealthy liberal. Lasted 9 months. She wouldn't even let his gun club buddies come over.

Hate to say it, but it's time to choose which is more important. Your guns or your girl. I believe in compromise and sharing, but give up my guns, never.
 
Sir my response is to educate not intemmidate but,talk to her and help her to understand. Her fear of a weapon is going to make herself vunerable in society. Weapons have made us free people and has settled many wars known and unknown. She hasn't been scared by criminals or thugs yet. Maybe you can get threw to her before that happens. Good luck.
 
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neoknight88 said:
I'm surprised it took this long for someone to ask. No, it's not the idea of me owning a gun that upsets her. :D



Maybe I've been phrasing things wrong. What I want to take away from this thread is a method to open communication on the topic without upsetting her, or sounding like a jackass.

She and I had a discussion based on a response to my original post, specifically this one.



I asked her that particular question, and her response surprised me. I can't quote her exactly, but the general gist of it was that she's not so much afraid of the gun, or as she put it, "the mechanism" (I do remember her saying that), and she isn't afraid of me owning a gun, but that there are people who are unsafe around firearms and own them. I think her words were, "I'm more afraid of idiots who own guns and are a danger to others because of it." But don't quote me on that because I'm 100% positive that those were her exact words.

I just had a thought. Would it be a bad idea to ask her to post her thoughts on gun ownership on this thread? She knows I posted this thread, and if it were her words instead of mine, it would better express what she feels, and not what I might interpret from what she said. Anybody have any objections to that idea? If so, why?
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If she intends to post to and read the thread, I hope she has thick skin.
I would also suggest reminding her of the self-selecting nature of this thread.
 
I can't quote her exactly, but the general gist of it was that she's not so much afraid of the gun, or as she put it, "the mechanism" (I do remember her saying that), and she isn't afraid of me owning a gun, but that there are people who are unsafe around firearms and own them. I think her words were, "I'm more afraid of idiots who own guns and are a danger to others because of it." But don't quote me on that because I'm 100% positive that those were her exact words.
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Oh, this is good news. Very good news. This is almost the exact attitude I had before I had a life-altering incident (terrible horse trailering accident) which demonstrated why it would be a good idea I had a gun.

So, your mission is to demonstrate that there are lots of intelligent, level-headed people who make the informed decision to own and carry guns. You want to find normal people who happen to also be responsible gun owners. Maybe do a few searches here and find threads where the "why do you carry a gun" topic is discussed, or threads where the are particularly civil and intelligent conversations taking place. I think it's already been mentioned here, but I also really liked www.corneredcat.com. The focus is self-defense, but it's full of practical knowledge and realistic things. There are a few posters here who always have very rational, level-headed posts, too. Sam1911 comes to mind immediately for me.

I just had a thought. Would it be a bad idea to ask her to post her thoughts on gun ownership on this thread? She knows I posted this thread, and if it were her words instead of mine, it would better express what she feels, and not what I might interpret from what she said. Anybody have any objections to that idea? If so, why?
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I like where you are going here, but I would not do that on this thread. Some of the comments here are very black-and-white ways to see relationship things, and the fact that you two are able to talk about this means you're further along the road of wanting to understand why the other person thinks something.
 
I don't think you should have her come here and post...The issue is she does not like guns...What if it was about sex and did not like that:what:

See where I am going with it, sometimes folks just have to go their own ways:)
 
Tell her you are terrified of anykind of knife or scissors. More people have been killed over the history of mankind with stabbing items than guns. Then hope she realizes the stupidity of it.
 
How do you fix fear? Fear remover. It is sold in most sporting goods stores near the pistol cleaning kits.
 
You make it sound as as though she feels you are an "idiot" (sorry, this is paraphrased) "who can't be trusted with a gun."?

If this is her attitude, the handwriting is on the wall. Because she has serious lack of respect issues towards YOU, OP, which are also going to crop up in other aspects of your life, eventually.

My girlfriend was adamant. Under NO circumstances bring ANY gun in the house,etc.

After a little conversation, it turned out when she was younger, some "manly"
male relatives of hers took her shooting with a double barrel shotgun,
3" magnum slugs, and she had a predictably poor first shooting experience.

I took her to the range. She fired my 22LR Henry, and a 22LR pistol. While she
handled both well, she fell in love with the Henry. Can't wait to go back to the range. Had a complete turnaround.

The point of my GF story(true, BTW) is, by chance, did your GF have a bad
shooting experience foisted upon her by some "manly" schmucks, possibly?
 
You make it sound as as though she feels you are an "idiot" (sorry, this is paraphrased) "who can't be trusted with a gun."?

If this is her attitude, the handwriting is on the wall. Because she has serious lack of respect issues towards YOU, OP, which are also going to crop up in other aspects of your life, eventually.
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I get the feeling she thinks it's "everyone else" who is an idiot, not her boyfriend. And maybe because I came from a similar state of mind, I can't blame her. There ARE a lot of idiots out there, and some of them happen to own guns, and most of the bad news you hear about guns involves one of those idiots. She needs to hear about all the normal people who responsibly own guns, too.

I don't know, a lot of people posting here seem to be upset that she's questioning guns at all. Give her a little credit for being smart enough to differentiate what it is that bothers her and and consider the possibility if she's smart enough to be able to do that she is smart enough to learn that not every gun owner is a headline-making idiot.

OP, maybe I'm just in an optimistic mood, but this could actually be a really good turning point in your relationship that could strengthen it further. In the event that after learning about all the normal people who own and shoot guns she becomes interested in them herself and wants one, I would highly recommend buying her a ring first and a gun next.
 
Hey, OP, TrakHack may be right, I ain't the date doctor.

I can't help agreeing with those who feel if you get her to
the range for some fun target shooting,(for HER) you'll
go a long ways toward solving the problem.
 
I feel your pain!

neoknight88 (the OP), I do feel your pain!

My GF is absolutely terrified of all guns. Over the year that we've been dating, I slowly and gently broached the subject, and in a very non-confrontational way showed her that I was a good guy, and I had some guns, and that having them didn't make me a bad guy nor a homicidal maniac. As far as I can tell, she trusts me absolutely, as she should. She realizes that I'm kind and totally non-violent.

However, even a trip to the range where she mustered her courage and shot some 22s didn't convert her to being pro-gun. As she has put it, she started out in favor of banning and confiscation, but now she is somewhat neutral on the subject, and that is as far as she is likely to ever come.

However, I've become convinced that this one of many topics where our opinions operate well beneath rational thought. Reactions are emotional, run very, very deep, and are not likely to change, ever. Here's an example:

The other day when she was upset with me she brought up the fact that I had been leaving some airsoft guns laying around my house. She was in tears as she told me this. Keep in mind, I'm not a reloading/gunsmithing fanatic. I keep everything locked up, and I have LOTS of other stuff lying around the house... books, music instruments, 'puter stuff, books, papers, and ummm... books. She singled out the toy guns, and was freaking out about them.

(My GF and I are on the rocks right now, but not for these reasons, nor for her politics which are incompatible with mine. Those who are more wise than me about relationships have all advised me to not base relationship decisions on her politics and opinions about guns. I've tried VERY hard to take their advice. Even so, we still have lots of other issues to work through. Dam*, relationships are difficult!)

My point to you, neoknight88, is that your GF is likely to never change her emotional reactions. You can reason all that you want, but her gut reactions probably won't change.

The thing you have to decide (as so many other members have stated) is: Can you live with her if she never changes? Do you love her enough to put up with this aspect of her, and can you come to some mutual agreement to agree to disagree and have peace?

May you make wise decisions. Best of luck to you!
 
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she isn't afraid of me owning a gun, but that there are people who are unsafe around firearms and own them.
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Find the nearest NRA certified Home Firearm Safety course and enroll both her and yourself in it. This hopefully shows her that you take gun safety seriously enough to want to get the best learning available, past the level of what most of us were told as youngsters. Also this might show her that more people take the time to not be "the idiots" that the news loves to highlight.

And for those that will question why I suggest a NRA certified course: it's because I've sen what some of the other "gun safety" classes offer, and my brother taught me more about gun safety when I was 10 and he was 13.
 
I also have to agree with those who predict the possibility

of issues later in the relationship related to firearms.

How will she handle her children being exposed to typical(by which I mean

Safe,Legal, Law-abiding,Family-oriented) American gun culture? You may

want to hash out this question now, it would be a shame if your future

sons grew up restricted from guns by an overprotective mother.

The way divorces go these days, she could probably get a judge to ban you

from having firearms around even during your custody periods. Which

could mean you wouldn't even be able to buy your son a BB gun or take them

to the range or hunting till they were 18, or maybe even 21...:uhoh:
 
her answer to me sounds reasonable and similar to my and my wifes thought patterns a while ago.

There is and will always be some folks with firearms who are irresponsible. Just as there are folks who drive (a lot of them) who have absolutely no business behind the wheel. In all the time i have had and been around firearms I have run into 1 person who I would say needed to be far away from any firearm and/or pointy object. In the same time I could not tell you how many people I have seen driving who should not have been.

For her, i would also argue that her reason is exactly why should should know how to use them. There are bad folks out there. I would never wish this on someone but she may run into 1, does she want to be hiding in a corner begging him/her not to shoot or to at least have a fighting chance?

Now I would not tell you to dump her. I think this is an awesome opportunity for you guys to tackle a serious issue. In 10+ years of marriage and 7 years of dating before that, me and my wife have had a few issues to work through.

So sit down with her again, and ask her, long term, we have kids, you will still have guns, you are going to have them (assuming it is that important to you), how do you and her reconcile that? 2 things can happen, this can cause an issue that may eventually split you up or you can build skills on working together in a relationship that will make a long term life with her possible.

If you can work out a compromise, then also chat with how to go about easing her fears, what can YOU do to help her. Range trip? Better security (safe, etc) for when the guns are in the house? For me and my wife fear was overcome through familiarization (i.e. information), and time.
 
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If my wife was a hard-line anti, it could have never worked out between us. Either I would resent her for restricting one of my favorite hobbies and most beloved rights. Or she would have resented me for bringing "dangerous assault weapons" into her life. Unfortunately, differing beliefs about gun rights may be just the tip of the iceberg. You may have totally differing fundamental values and ideals which cannot be worked out.

Luckily my wife was open minded, and once I exposed her to shooting, she took to it quite well. Education is the key to quelling the fear of guns. I have never met a person with a lot of experience in firearms who was still afraid of them.
 
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Years ago a friend of mine's wife had a similar fear, her dad had hunted and owened guns as did her husband but she was scared to death of them. I got together with her dad and husband and dared her to give it a try (she was sort of athelitic and very competitive). So went to a little range that didn't have anyone there and first we let her watch us shoot clays then I broke out a frisbee and had her learn to hit straight away shots then I got more and more angle until she was shooting crossing shots then I had threw some clays and finally we used the machine and she was a natural. First day out and she was out shooting her dad and husband. Then we went to the pistol range and I started her out with a 22 and before we left she was shooting my 44mag and having a ball. Her husband looked at me and said "You've created a monster". From then on she was always the first one in the truck when we went shooting. A lot of times its just that they are scared of the unknown or they believed the crap on tv about how bad guns are. Once they see how much fun it is its a easy sell.
 
You might try to find a female firearms instructor to work with her/you on the issue if you can get her to talk with one for you. Failing that a competent 3rd party. For some reason women who think their man is an idiot will listen to a complete stranger.

Also show her a couple of episodes of "I Survived" where there's a home invasion. There's even a couple of episodes where the survival hinged on the good guy shooting the bad guy. Just a thought.

And of course the NRA's Armed Citizen now available online here.

Either way good luck.
 
I talked with her about taking a gun safety course, pointing out that even if she doesn't ever think she'll handle one, it's better to know gun safety and not need it, than need it and not have it. She got all pissy and quite adamantly said that all she needed to know was "Never touch the gun." It went downhill from there. I pointed out the fact that as she lives in a house with a gun, she should know proper gun safety. I didn't push the matter any further except to say that choosing ignorance over knowledge is not ignorance, but stupidity.
 
So, if I understand correctly, you told her what she needs to do despite it being something she doesn't want to do, reminded her that where you live is clearly "your" house (otherwise the topic of guns in the house at all would be open for discussion, right?), and indirectly called her stupid? Really?

Sigh.
 
My mom has always had the same issue and has never liked guns (or knives, or pitbulls) with no valid reasoning, she just listed to the news. I found it important to educate her on responsible ownership vs. the media and illegal ownership. She will never 'like' guns but I think she understands my interest, which was my only wish.

Luckily, my girlfriend (probably future wife) likes guns and can handle a 12 gauge ;).
 
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