I am trying to gauge exactly how to react to MIL

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Kindrox

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My MIL is an anti-gun loon and normally I just ignore her antics but she just topped herself and I am trying to gauge exactly how to respond.

This happened last week but I just found out about it yesterday. My wife is 9 months pregnant with our first child and packs a gun. MIL does not. Last week my MIL picked my wife up to take her to lunch. The place they choose was about all parked up.

To make a detailed story shorter, the basic gist was that a guy was blocking traffic waiting for a space to open up. My MIL flipped him off as she maneuvered around him but my wife did not see it. My MIL comes around again and by then the guy has parked and is walking to the restaurant. As she passes by him MIL flips him off again and again wife does not see it.

The guy then makes for MIL’s car, so MIL guns it and drives such that my wife wants to know why the guy was headed to the car and why MIL gunned it. MIL then explains what she did, and even after getting blasted by my wife is proud that she “wasn’t scared” of the guy and why is my wife “scared” of him. When wife pointed out what could have happened, MIL says she just would have run him over. My MIL’s bottom line was she wanted to ruin his day and she is happy to think that she did. Of course for not being “scared” they had to drive somewhere else to eat. Thankfully she was able to drive away and nothing more came of it.

Now normally it really isn’t my problem if MIL’s mouth/finger writes a check her butt can’t cash, but I am wondering that if she will do that with my 9-month pregnant wife in the car, will she do it if she is off with my soon to be born son? I have to wonder what might have gone down if a car had suddenly backed out blocking her escape path.

My wife already yelled at her mom and didn’t get anywhere, what should I do?
 
MIL is not trustworthy and the sooner your wife realizes this the better.

We've had members with relatives/friends with problems with drugs, alcohol, or associations and it all comes down to establishing boundaries that are maintained.

If your MILs behavior poses a risk to the safety of your pregnant wife then it will with your children. You and your wife need to have a serious discussion about it now.
 
I would let her know that if she will not keep YOUR family 100% safe 100% of the time then she will not be involved with your family.
 
Actually, it's a good thing that she doesn't believe in carrying self defense. She apparantly believes that provoking people is acceptable, couple that with carrying a gun would be bad.

You need to work it out with your wife, though. You won't get anywhere with your MIL, and, in all reality, your wife probably won't either from the sound of it to outside ears.
 
There is something badly amiss with the MIL, dangerous situation for your family, especially with a little baby involved. Time for firm action on your part, possibly a parting of the ways. Take this situation very seriously.
 
For your stupid MIL.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Women in Albuquerque Double Homicide Identified


Associated Press
Albuquerque police have identified two women shot to death in a sport utility vehicle in what officers say started as a road rage incident.
Police identified the victims as Nancy Parker Davidson, 56, and Linda Gilkey, 47, who shared a home in northeast Albuquerque.
Officers early Monday arrested Beau James Musacco, 32, of Coachella, Calif., on two open counts of murder.
Authorities were called around 1:30 a.m. Monday about what originally was thought to be a fatal car crash.
Officers found two women shot dead in the vehicle. Police then followed footprints in the snow to a nearby motel, where they arrested Musacco.
Albuquerque police spokeswoman Trish Hoffman said the man's car was found a short distance away and appeared to have hit a pole. Officers believe the sport utility vehicle might have cut him off prior to the shooting, she said.
"It's safe to say this was a road rage incident,'' Hoffman said.
Officers also found a handgun in the snow next to a shell casing, according to court documents.
Musacco was convicted in California of vehicle theft, and warrant was issued in November 2004 for his arrest on a parole violation, according to court documents filed Wednesday.
Detective Sgt. Jeff Baker of the Lubbock, Texas, police said Musacco is wanted for questioning in a homicide investigation there but that Lubbock police have not issued a warrant for him.
The investigation involves a 26-year-old man found dead in a street. He initially was thought to have died in an accident, but then was found to have been shot in the head, Baker said.

Copyright ©2007 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or
 
As with any highly irresponsible relative, care should be taken to minimize the risk when interacting with that relative. You and your wife should also discuss and be ready to part company, even if only for the day, with your MIL when she acts like this. (This will reduce immediate risk, and hopefully over time, will reduce her instances of acting out when in your company.)

This means, among other things, that you and your wife must never allow your MIL to be in a position of control. She can never drive. You must always be ready to say, "We'll see you later," and leave.

If she wasn't family, you should have no interaction with her. I have dealt with both family and friends who were highly irresponsible. The friends who are like this I do not see any more.

John
 
I'm relitively under experienced in dealing with MiLs, I've only been married 3 years. But what I can tell you is, be it her mother or mine, MiLs are border line crazy as a **** house rat. The night before my wedding whilst my father and I were sitting on the back deck sipping beer and watching the bats fly about he shared a bit of wisdom with me that I am just now begining to understand. He said, 'Starting tomorrow all that matters is you and her.....not me, nor mom nor her parents.....you have to do what is right for you two.' I think that advice applies in this situation.
 
MIL is not trustworthy and the sooner your wife realizes this the better.

We've had members with relatives/friends with problems with drugs, alcohol, or associations and it all comes down to establishing boundaries that are maintained.

If your MILs behavior poses a risk to the safety of your pregnant wife then it will with your children. You and your wife need to have a serious discussion about it now.
Click to expand...

I agree.
 
Kindrox,
Im sure your wife understands how dangerous this behavior was to your child.
Your mil is in need of professional help, or she is a jerk. Either way she cant be allowed to put YOUR family in danger.
Any other relatives you can get involved? maybe an intervention?
If not,
Lay down the rules, Warn her, if she continues, then cut her off. She will come round or not. I speak from experience with my first MIL.
Good luck
 
Definitely have a long talk with your wife about how you two will deal with the irrational and dangerous behavior of your MIL.

Among other things, do your best to not have MIL play chauffeur for your wife and child. Your wife is going to be the one to politely find excuses not to go places with her mother, which won't be easy. For joint shopping trips, possibly, your wife should do the driving, with MIL have the joyous opportunity to hold the youngun. That sort of change in procedure, anyway.
 
Best of luck to you in this situation. I agree with everything said up to this point. I would not rule out never seeing her again as a last resort and I would also bring to her attenion that, that is an option.
 
It would seem prudent to me to assure that MIL and soon to be first child are never left alone unsupervised.
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+1, My MIL is not to be alone with my child. It’s sad, but my wife and I had make that decision. MIL has diabetes (Type 1) and does not regulate her blood sugar well… leading to impaired judgment and loss of consciousness (found her on the floor or wondering out side midwinter more times than I can count when we live in the apartment). So if that’s not a good enough reason she lies/makes stuff up (often leavening the rest of the family say ***?) and does not listen to my wife or I about anything to do with our child (try’s to feed her all kinds of stuff a 9 month old should not have). We have managed to avoid most of the fights about this by blaming the diabetes.

You and your wife have to set some firm boundary with the MIL and if the boundary is crossed then deal with it right away and directly.

I know it suck but sometime you have to do what is best for the child, even if it make your life harder.

Congrats of the first child… mine just started crawling around saying “dada”
 
MIL was very much armed with a deadly weapon...her's just has a steering wheel instead of a trigger.
 
The reality is that your wife has been putting up with her mother longer than you have. If your wife agrees to set restrictions on how engaged her mom is in your life, great. Many wives, though, cannot do that.

It's good that your wife is telling you about all of this - her mom's crazy behavior. My recommendation is to listen to her and to ask your wife what she wants to do. Ask her leading questions in a manner in which she'll think that you're contributing to the conversation but not telling her what to do. As in, "hmmm, what would have happened if that guy was crazy/had a gun/etc.?" or "What would you have done if the situation escalated?" or "Does that worry you in your condition?" instead of "You need to stay away from you mom." or "That crazy old bat could have gotten you hurt and junior hurt even more.", etc., etc.

I can tell you from long experience that dealing with a crazy mother-in-law is painful for all involved. I've been married 16 years and have not been on more than polite speaking terms (as in "hello" and "goodbye") with my mother-in-law for the last eight years. The reasons are too complex and boring to get into, yet I'd reached my limit and simply wasn't going to put up with her any longer. If would have been wonderful if my wife agreed 100% - had she, we'd all be living in Alaska or on the moon or some other place as far away from the old bat that I could think of. While my wife agrees with me, understands why I dislike her mother, she's still her mother's daughter and it would be very difficult to keep her and the kids away from crazy granny.

Fortunately in my case, crazy granny isn't putting my family at risk - she's just a mean, bitter, crazy old bat. The way I rationalize it all is that, unless God has a sense of humor, I'll outlive the old bat.

:D
 
Lay down the rules, Warn her, if she continues, then cut her off. She will come round or not. I speak from experience with my first MIL.
Click to expand...
discuss and be ready to part company, even if only for the day, with your MIL when she acts like this. (This will reduce immediate risk, and hopefully over time, will reduce her instances of acting out when in your company.)
Click to expand...

I think I am refining my first question. For those who have experiance with relatives that needlessly endangered lives, was there a usefull reaction between ignoring the situation and just cutting them out of your lives?

I know there is no fixing her brand of crazy, but can she be re-habbed to not pull this kind of stunt while with my child?

She lives 25 miles away and it would be nice if baby can go overnight to grandma's, or out to the zoo with grandma, ect. And without one of us always driving them, or it defeats a lot of the benifits.

But I don't want to simply fool myself that she'll promise to be better but doesn't intend to be.

I'd have said before that she was nuts, but at the same time she has never (that either of us have seen) started something with a random 40 something man in a parking lot.

My wife is taking it serious too, but with 5 days left till her official due date, she hasn't got the emotional energy right now to really deal with it. So I am taking the opportunity to take the time for myself and come up with what our options could and should be. And I well understand danbrew's points.

I figgure I have a few weeks before MIL starts asking to take our son places, at which point we will implement what we decide to do.
 
I don't ride in the car with my dad anymore.

Since the safety of your wife and unborn child are at stake, I'd treat her like I'd treat a stranger who did the same thing.
 
can she be re-habbed to not pull this kind of stunt while with my child?
Click to expand...

Is this sort of impulsive irresponsible behavior something you or your wife has seen before? If there's a history of it, it is unlikely you can do much to change it. If it isn't well established you might ask "What would have happened if...?" and gauge her response.

If it results in a rational reply you may have some chance. If it results in denial or excuse making you're consigned to keeping your family safe by adapting to your MIL's uncontrollable irrational behavior.

That shouldn't require you to cut her off from all contact, she's done nothing directly or overtly threatening. It will require you to view here as not being responsible enough to be entrusted with the safety of family. Much like you have to gauge the maturity of a young person and determine how much you can entrust to them, you'll have to decide where your MIL's limits are. You'd no more entrust your child to an irresponsible impulsive angry preteen would you?
 
Benefits?

She lives 25 miles away and it would be nice if baby can go overnight to grandma's, or out to the zoo with grandma, [etc]. And without one of us always driving them, or it defeats a lot of the [benefits].
Click to expand...

As tempting as it may be to take advantage of the "benefits" of living close to Grandma, the risks exposed by leaving your child alone with a crazy lady are unacceptably great.

My wife's sister is a certified crazy lady. We would not dream of leaving a minor child with her. In fact, when she drove (in her car) to her place in Colorado, accompanied by our adult daughter (in her own car), she managed to place them both at risk on two separate occasions -- or at least two that I know about. One of those occasions cost us a couple hundred bucks to fix, the other resulted in said sister getting a handsome speeding ticket, and demanding that we pay for it, since, after all, she was only "doing this for us."

Irresponsible and unpredictable/erratic people, especially those who believe they're immune from consequences, must not be given even temporary care of one's minor children.

You can try, if you like, to justify it, citing that the "probability" of something bad happening is "low," but you should be aware that the same rule applies here that applies to "why do we carry:" it's STAKES, not the ODDS that matter.

Something happens to your kid, especially when you KNOW she's the crazy lady, and it won't matter that "it was a one chance in a million thing."

Consider what is at stake, rather than contemplating the odds.

 
I had a great MIL now Kindrox has one of those hell on wheels types.
First God Bless you you'll need it in the days ahead.
Now set down with the wife and set up a game plan and stick to it.

MIL never drives with your wife and child.
You might consider MOVING to another State.
If your FIL is still around you need to ask him to man up and reign the MIL in.
 
My MIL is basically ok. Our only problem is she has a meth addicted grandson living with her. (NOT our kid) He has proven himself to be highly unstable and violent. She won't kick him out. She won't make him get a job. Nothing.
My boys DO NOT go over there unless my hubby or I am there. It's sad cuz she just lives across the corner from us. And she can't take my boys anywhere if the addict is going too.
You have to draw your line in the sand. If she wants to take wife to lunch, and wife can't drive cuz she's to preggo, then it can be as simple as "why don't you bring take out over, I'm too tired to go." If she can drive then its "what restuarant, I'll meet you there." There are ways to handle this with out there being a big in law war. Just draw your line and stick to it. A simple "you're temper is out of control, you can't take my son" is good enough. Then don't argue with her. If she argues, just reaffirm what you said. Don't finger point when she gets pissed at you and argues. As much as you might like to go "see that's what I mean." Then she'll just think you goaded her into it.
Good Luck
 
Dr. Laura would say allowing your kid to be alone/in the car with a woman like that would be child abuse.

But I ain't Dr. Laura and I don't know you or your family. Your MIL does sound like a real prize, though. :eek:
 
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