Scoupe
Member
Nothing beyond discussing with your wife how to protect your family from the consequences your MIL's narcisistic rages.
I am trying to gauge exactly how to react to MIL
- Thread starter Kindrox
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Nothing beyond discussing with your wife how to protect your family from the consequences your MIL's narcisistic rages.
BCCL
Member
"I think I am refining my first question. For those who have experiance with relatives that needlessly endangered lives, was there a usefull reaction between ignoring the situation and just cutting them out of your lives?"
Yes, in this case, it means tighly controlling how much she can influence any given situation when your wife and children are present.
She cannot operate a motor vehicle they are passengers in, and is never to be allowed unsupervised control of your children.
Yes, in this case, it means tighly controlling how much she can influence any given situation when your wife and children are present.
She cannot operate a motor vehicle they are passengers in, and is never to be allowed unsupervised control of your children.
I did this with my father when I got old enough to realize that he was doing things that were bad for me. "Well Dad, gotta go. See ya later." Then I'd go. It took a few years, but he has finally taken the hint. No yelling, no fighting, I just made it a point that when he did something I viewed as wrong I left. Now he rarely does those things. For the most part I think mostly it's old habits creeping back in when he does. But, when those habits do creep in, I just do the same thing.
Problem is I know that when it's your kid you have to be proactive so I don't know how much good this suggestion will be to you, but either way, good luck.
Problem is I know that when it's your kid you have to be proactive so I don't know how much good this suggestion will be to you, but either way, good luck.
Your MIL gets zero alone time with the kids. There is no re-habbing stupid(you can't fix stupid). Don't compound the stupid by leaving your kids with a woman who has no common sense and is a loose cannon. You know what's right for your family. Your children's safety comes first, PERIOD.
KarenTOC
Member
I wouldn't leave my son with my MIL until he was in his early teens and could pretty much take care of himself. The "official" reason we gave? I was an overprotective, nervous, overly-attached, doting mother with exceptionally long apron strings. I got lots of rolled eyes from the MIL, but she accepted my "quirks" without it causing a major rift in the family. She didn't live that close, so it was easy to pull it off.
By turning the problem around and making it "my fault," my son grew up loving his grandmother, and I maintained (and still have) a good relationship with my MIL. To me, it was worth a little extra effort to keep peace in the family.
That method might not work for everone. It worked for me because my MIL didn't feel that *she* was the problem (and therefore there were no hurt feelings), and because she respected my parental position, even though she thought I was nuts at times. It probably didn't hurt that my husband was her favorite.
By turning the problem around and making it "my fault," my son grew up loving his grandmother, and I maintained (and still have) a good relationship with my MIL. To me, it was worth a little extra effort to keep peace in the family.
That method might not work for everone. It worked for me because my MIL didn't feel that *she* was the problem (and therefore there were no hurt feelings), and because she respected my parental position, even though she thought I was nuts at times. It probably didn't hurt that my husband was her favorite.
KarenTOC, nice solution. You are like my wife, WAY too much common sense to be hanging with this crowd. 
Supper is on the table. I may post later, as I have some experience with this.
Supper is on the table. I may post later, as I have some experience with this.
SSN Vet
Member
Bounderies need to be set...
I suggest that you do not have your wife ride in MILs car. If she needs to go some place with MIL, then she needs to do the driving in your families car so she is in control of the situation.
I had to draw the line with my dad, who is a wonderful man, but has always been a lead foot driver (and to make matters worse, a two foot driver). He almost killed my entire family twice in the span of 10 min. while picking us up from the airport. I've been driving for 30 years and have logged a LOT of miles.... but had never before been in a situation that required slamming on the breaks and locking up all fours while tail gaiting at 80 mph. Just to make matters worse, he did it again minutes later.
We never ride as my dad's passengers. We drive ourselves or if we have to ride with him, I drive his vehicle.
I suggest that you do not have your wife ride in MILs car. If she needs to go some place with MIL, then she needs to do the driving in your families car so she is in control of the situation.
I had to draw the line with my dad, who is a wonderful man, but has always been a lead foot driver (and to make matters worse, a two foot driver). He almost killed my entire family twice in the span of 10 min. while picking us up from the airport. I've been driving for 30 years and have logged a LOT of miles.... but had never before been in a situation that required slamming on the breaks and locking up all fours while tail gaiting at 80 mph.
Just to make matters worse, he did it again minutes later.We never ride as my dad's passengers. We drive ourselves or if we have to ride with him, I drive his vehicle.
Wile E Coyote
Member
My $0.02 on this matter is to try to avoid putting yourself ( or your interests) between a mother and her daughter. Your wifey likely needs to take the lead (or at least made to feel in the lead) in what to do with Crazy Granny-to be. Your wife's loyalties are going to be tested, and it's not uncommon for the hubby to lose.
Definitely voice your concerns however; no need to be passive-aggressive. I'm just advocating you not shooting yourself on the foot.
Definitely voice your concerns however; no need to be passive-aggressive. I'm just advocating you not shooting yourself on the foot.
Shadow 7D
Member
If your wife refuses to deal with her mom, explain that while she is an adult, your children are kids, and under your protection, and part of that is that they are never to be put in a situation like that with your MIL. My mom has issues, and while we love her, we cant leave the kids anywhere alone around her. I'm just WAY over protective according to her.
Another way would be to confront her to her face and have your wife ask your MIL how she would feel if she had to shoot the guy. Boundaries man, your going to have to set boundaries.
Another way would be to confront her to her face and have your wife ask your MIL how she would feel if she had to shoot the guy. Boundaries man, your going to have to set boundaries.
I hear what you are saying but making demands about associations with your MIL to your wife will only place all the stress on her. A stressed out pregnant woman, or new mother, is a disaster for your relationship. I am speaking from experience.
If I were you I would calmly explain to the wife that your MIL actions were inappropriate and dangerous and that you both should watch what situations you place yourself in with your MIL. It is pretty hard to cut your MIL out of your life; you will just have to manage her.
If I were you I would calmly explain to the wife that your MIL actions were inappropriate and dangerous and that you both should watch what situations you place yourself in with your MIL. It is pretty hard to cut your MIL out of your life; you will just have to manage her.
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DHJenkins
Member
Tell her that if she ever pulls a stunt like that again with your family in the car, she won't ever step foot in your house again, and it'll be holidays only when she gets to see her grandchild.
Make it clear that you'll move out of state to make that happen if necessary.
I'd try to leave your wife out of it as much as possible, at least until she's had the baby.
Make it clear that you'll move out of state to make that happen if necessary.
I'd try to leave your wife out of it as much as possible, at least until she's had the baby.
mgkdrgn
Member
1+ on the above.
Oh, and don't bother involving the MIL in the discussion. It will then cease to be a "discussion" and turn into a "who screams the loudest" contest.
Your wife is now well aware of how her mother behaves in public, and the risks that entails. Hopefully she has the courage to support the prudent course of action when it comes to your children.
However (heavy sigh), I suspect the above will not be the case. It's gonna suck to be you.
Dr. Tad Hussein Winslow
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You will be in my prayers.
Your problem, in my opinion, is not your reaction to this specific incident, but rather how you are going to be able to move away from MIL to get on with the rest of your life. In other words, her actions are so irresponsible and insane that she is indeed a loon, and not fit to be in the presence of your wife - EVER. She could get your wife hurt or killed easily. Seriously consider a move. As for the current situation...... how are you gonna talk sense into a loon? So you may as well just continue to ignore MIL. Serious talk with the wife, yes, as mentioned.
Your problem, in my opinion, is not your reaction to this specific incident, but rather how you are going to be able to move away from MIL to get on with the rest of your life. In other words, her actions are so irresponsible and insane that she is indeed a loon, and not fit to be in the presence of your wife - EVER. She could get your wife hurt or killed easily. Seriously consider a move. As for the current situation...... how are you gonna talk sense into a loon? So you may as well just continue to ignore MIL. Serious talk with the wife, yes, as mentioned.
bennadatto
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I agree with everything posted so far!!
Deanimator
Member
I had similar problems with my own mother. I just refused to see her for 13 years. That worked out very well. She's much older now, and far less abrasive. I now see her once a year at Christmas. I buy her something nice for Christmas and go back home for another year.
My MIL (rest in peace) was not making my kids wear seat belts. I told her they could not ride with her driving unless she caused them to wear seatbelts.
I once saw her pulling out of her driveway with the kids climbing around the inside of the car. I stopped her and took the kids out of the car. She lost the privilege of taking them out for the rest of the summer. She got the message.
I once saw her pulling out of her driveway with the kids climbing around the inside of the car. I stopped her and took the kids out of the car. She lost the privilege of taking them out for the rest of the summer. She got the message.
sm
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mljdeckard
Member
Your MIL is an example of what to avoid when I tell new guys to make sure there is nothing in their lives that will get them into trouble. If you are going to carry, you must make sure you live a life free of obvious provocation, grudges, trouble makers, bad friends, and BAD FAMILY MEMBERS. Now I understand that you aren't in a position to just cut off all contact with her, but she behaved VERY recklessly with your pregnant wife in the car. Your wife confronted her and told her exactly the right thing, and she blew it off. She isn't the kind to listen to any common sense at all.
You need to be prepared for the fact that your MIL is a factor that may likely get you into trouble, and/or complicate any other trouble you may find yourself in.
My MIL is not a gun person. But she knows I carry, and has decided not to object to how I decide to protect my family. She has acknowledged that when you are serious about deadly force, you must handle your life differently. Little provocations you might get away with unarmed are absolutely unacceptable when she knows I am in a position to use deadly force, and that I must never be put in a position where I have to explain that I did anything to induce the situation that required the use of deadly force.
You need to be prepared for the fact that your MIL is a factor that may likely get you into trouble, and/or complicate any other trouble you may find yourself in.
My MIL is not a gun person. But she knows I carry, and has decided not to object to how I decide to protect my family. She has acknowledged that when you are serious about deadly force, you must handle your life differently. Little provocations you might get away with unarmed are absolutely unacceptable when she knows I am in a position to use deadly force, and that I must never be put in a position where I have to explain that I did anything to induce the situation that required the use of deadly force.
Sorry to tell you but it sounds like MIL has road rage and if/when she "gives the finger" to someone else with road rage it's going to be ugly/dangerous and you don't want your wife or kids anywhere near that. Any chance of anger management classes for MIL? If not consider her on parole to be near your wife (especially when pregnant since car accidents are even worse then) and kids.
Also MIL will probably flip out knowing her daughter has a CCW permit since then the MIL is no longer able to bully her daughter so much since daughter is taking care of herself and her family.
Also MIL will probably flip out knowing her daughter has a CCW permit since then the MIL is no longer able to bully her daughter so much since daughter is taking care of herself and her family.
FROGO207
Member
You may get really lucky and she will do this again when alone soon and solve the problem herself. I will pray for your family often.
I will pray for your family often.woodybrighton
member
fortunately mil does'nt carry
unfortunately has a car
You'd think getting into needless confrontations would be avoided in a country where people carry guns:banghead:
that's where the old style courtly language came from. back in the day when gentlemen carried swords you made damm sure you didn't cause offense by mistake as your words could cost you your life.
unfortunately has a car
You'd think getting into needless confrontations would be avoided in a country where people carry guns:banghead:
that's where the old style courtly language came from. back in the day when gentlemen carried swords you made damm sure you didn't cause offense by mistake as your words could cost you your life.
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