I'm Surrounded by Antis - Help!

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Based on what I can tell, your problem is your family trying to control you.

Why are you sleeping on the couch? If your wife is withholding affection because of your CCW, make it her problem. You sleep in your own bed, if she chooses to sleep elsewhere, so be it.

The question is not whether you are willing to split your family up over your decision to carry, but your family's choice to split with you because of it. This is their choice, not yours.

How many years did you take care of your family? And they are willing to drop you at the turn of a hat?

Most of these following steps are going to be hard if you follow them, but it is either your wife and daughter control you, or you control yourself.

Your wife withdrew affection based on your daughters view of your decision to carry. Tell your wife in no uncertain terms that that is not going to fly. If she wants to be single because of her choice, so be it.

If you are providing any financial support to your daughter, withdraw it. Your daughter does not get to see her mother until this situation is resolved.

If you cosigned any loans for your daughter, tell her you are calling in the loans and then do it.

If your family is willing to withdraw their support of you over your choice to carry, be willing to withdraw your support of them over the choice they made.

The basic issue is that they are trying to make their problem yours.
 
Read the Bible to them...

Especially the COMMANDMENT of Jesus to His disciples in Luke 22:36

"If you don't have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one."

If they are Christians, they should respect Jesus, and that will be the end of the argument, I should hope.
 
This is my experience with this sort of issue, in relation to my current girlfriend.

The idea of concealed carry totaly freaked my girlfriend out when i first mentioned it. She pulled the whole "not when im around" thing, etc, cried a couple of times, and so forth.

I knew that if i could not turn her around in a month or so, the relationship would not be worth persuing. It was still fairly early on in the relationship at this point, and I did not want to get in too deep with a woman who would not be OK with it.

The turning point was when she brought it up to her parents. When she told me, "So, I talked to my mom and dad about the carrying a gun thing..." I almost flipped out on her and ended it right there, but thankfully I waited to hear the whole story.

Apparently her parents told her it was a good idea, and that they would feel more comfortable knowing that their daughter was with a man who carried a gun (in a responsible manner; they already knew me fairly well at this point, and knew I was an NRA Certified Instructor, etc).

This changed her mind. And she later explained to me why. It is not that she respected the opinions of her parents more than mine, it was simple because the IDEA of concealed carry was totaly foreign to her. She had "sort of" heard of it before, but had never encountered someone who actualy carried, or wanted to. So she did not know what to think of it, and defaulted to the "that sounds really dangerous" camp.

My suggestion; maybe you are the only person your family knows who carried a gun, or even thinks its a good idea. So, find some other people who they know and respect; family members, longtime friends or co-workers, who are on your side. When they start to realize that you are not the lone wackjob in their life who wants to carry a gun, they WILL re-think their position, and they might even come around.
 
Robert's right. It's about control.
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X3 or 4. This is an internal, family power/control struggle. It can happen over any issue. My first wife wouldn't "allow" me to learn to fly an airplane. We got divorced because of the intense control issues she had over this and other issues. It just wasn't right. I'm not saying you've got to get a divorce, but please recognize what this is. Its not just about guns its about your relationship with your family. It may manifest itself in other areas.
 
Tough situation. I would offer to exchange information. Tell them you are perfectly willing to educate yourself on the dangers of guns and concealed carry. But, they in turn, need to read articles that you provide. Lay down ground rules that the articles or statistics be fact based and/or contain citations. And I would try to stay away from some of the broader ideas like CCW cause drops in overall crime etc. These are more intangible and harder to prove than a documented case where a person saves their or a loved one's life.

Best of luck.
 
They are emotionally manipulating you, plain and simple. Either you point it out for them to cut the crap, or you split your losses. If they are willing to kick you to the curb for being who you are (in this case wanting to protect yourself and the people pulling this crap) after giving them a wonderful relationship for years on end, forget 'em. Stand your ground.
 
"Don't ask, don't tell."

Don't let them pat you down.

And, at some point, you have to say: "That's the way it is. It's MY life and MY choice."
 
More reason to have a "Relationships and Firearms" forum at THR. Seems like we get this question at least once a month.
 
Tell them they can't bring their cell phones into your house. Make them lock 'em in the car.
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There is mounting evidence that 10 years of cell phone usage leads to brain cancer (heard it on the radio, so it must be true).

Obviously, you should be concerned about cell phone exposure and your policy serves to minimize this risk as a reasonable restriction.
 
I went through this some time ago. Had an anti-gun girlfriend whom I thought I had convinced but she just kept regressing emotionally every time the gun was brought up.

Glad I have a better one now.
 
Tough situation. I don't have a wife or kids, but my mom had problems with my gun ownership early on. Problem was, she DID have significant control over me, since I was renting a house from my folks without paying rent. Dad wouldn't have cared, but he likes being married, so he sided with mom. She wouldn't let me take any guns with me from home to college, thinking we would get drunk (which we did) and shoot guns in the house (which we didn't) so I started buying my own guns without telling them. I was able to protect my house and myself, I was 100% responsible with them, and mom never had to find out.
When I graduated and moved out of their house, they let me have my guns, and I immediately "bought" a new handgun and an SKS.
Obviously, simply not telling them or lying about it isn't an option for you. I don't have any hard-core anti's in my family, so all I can offer is good luck!
 
Perhaps...but maybe I didn't make it clear that this has become a BIG issue. I mean crying females, sleeping on the couch, "You're hurting this family with your obsession"..." You didn't need a gun for 30 years"..."What is the matter with you?"...etc.

Aside from all the needless drama...they REALLY believe they are at greater risk in the presence of an armed man than with an unarmed man. As WRONG as that is - they have a RIGHT to their beliefs. Do I have a right to make them (in their minds) less safe?
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OH...didn't see that.

Yes, you do have a right because you have to take care of yourself first. If you do not take care of yourself, then you cannot care for your children or family. Many people do not understand this; they reverse it and then have a "crisis" when biological reality rears its ugly head.


But, it comes down to this:

Your CCW isn't really increasing their risk. They think it is, but it's not. What works for me is:

1) I get to make my own decisions. In a marriage context, I still get to make decisions, but some are compromises or are in agreement with what my wife wants. Sometimes I make a "gift" of a decision; sometimes she does the same. It may very well be she needs to make a "gift" of it to you.

2) It's my life and I get to place the value on it. I also get to choose how I will defend it. Since I find my life to be valuable, I choose to defend it with a gun. This is not the same as selfishly placing myself before my family.

3) Since I decided on #2, I have a duty to train. Therefore, I train frequently in a variety of disciplines, including fitness, martial arts, knifing, and gun.

4) When questions come up, I try to reason with them. If it turns emotional, then I just say: "So you'd prefer me dead at the hands of a criminal?" That tends to cause some backtracking. If they try to swing it back to "but you're endangering us", I go back to reason and logic and show how selfish they're being.


Given the above, there are several philosophical tacts that I take:

1) I do not compromise my RKBA/CCW without special circumstances or an emergency. I have no problem rushing a family member into DC w/out a gun if that's where the hospital is.

2) I draw a clear line in the sand. That line is not to be crossed. One of those is: "The first rule of CCW is that we don't talk about CCW." Put your foot down and do not budge. You will have to determine consequences.

3) I carry where legal. Period. I carry where legal or not contractually limited. Period. Feel free not to associate with me. If someone is so selfish and irresponsible as to be unarmed (especially with children), then I truly do not want to associate with such people.

Do not budge. Any wavering will result in you getting run over.

Now, you can be more forgiving, but remember that they will take a mile if you give an inch.

If they talk about CCW in public, then remove yourself.

***

Also, do not allow yourself to be sent to the couch. She can go to the couch. The rule in my house is "Never go to bed angry." It works well!

Finally, at some point, you just have to be willing to accept some people's angry and unreasonable responses. If you're not allowed to go to someone's house, so be it. They will come to you if they want you there.

***

The response about ultimatums was excellent.

You have been betrayed; this definitely needs to be worked out. It's not really at a deal breaker level, but it needs to be addressed to prevent future breaches.

***

I am fortunate because my guns came as part of the package. Unfortunately, you're not in that situation.
 
Some minds are like concrete-thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
 
I'm not going to offer any advice, I'll just give you my story...I was in a similar but not as severe situation. My Mother-in-law and brother-in-laws were anti-gun. Over the course of 18 years we have all grown very close and respectful towards each other's beliefs. Over those years I have been able to convince them that I wasn't a nut (at least where guns are concerned :p).

They didn't know that I carried until just a few years ago. They were all shocked but the mother-in-law was most disturbed. We discussed the issue and I sighted many cases that either turned out good because good people had guns and those that turned out bad because good people followed a bad law. Last summer, I over heard her tell another family member (on my side of the family and pro-gun) that she was very afraid of guns but feels much more safe when I am around. Once I was "armed" with knowing the truth behind her stance, that she was afraid, I have been able to further the cause by taking a different approach. I asked her to put herself into a hypothetical situation where she is confronted in her house with an attacker wielding a knife and stating that she will be killed. The attacker is in the only doorway to the room and is closing in. Within arms reach to her is a gun and a phone. Which one would she choose to use? She didn't hesitate to "choose" the gun.

This past year, each of the brother-in-laws have come to visit us individually (the 3 of them are scattered about the country). I took the opportunity to take them to the range to teach them about gun safety and show them the fun involved in shooting. I offered no guarantee that they would enjoy it. I simply asked that they just try it. They agreed mainly because they knew I would never give up on guns and since I had them in my house, I wanted them to be safe around them and not afraid. I can't describe the satisfaction I got from watching them each enjoy my hobby so much. The consensus among the liberals in my family is that the 1911 is the best handgun and the AR-15 is the funnest rifle to shoot!! Oddly, these were perceived as the scariest before the range time began.:scrutiny: I used no "I told you so's" or any other "attitude" with them. I simply presented them with an opportunity to discover for themselves. They all want to go again and ALL have asked me for my advice on a home defense gun.;)

In May, it's the Mother-in-law's turn on the range. Sure, I had a little to do with persuading her to -maybe- try it but it was her son's who convinced her to commit to it!:cool:

Good luck, Rainbow. Now I'm off to present my youngest daughter with her 12th birthday gift...her first rifle, a Remington 581s!:D


Duff
 
I am telling you, the only way to deal with this is to put your foot down. You made the choice. They can either live with it or leave. It isn't their choice to make. It is yours. Families are SUPPOSED to be supportive of your life. I might disagree with someone doing drugs, but to carry or not carry, to own or not to own a gun is a pathetic attempt at drama.

There are people starving to death in the world. People, who are being raped and murdered right now as we speak. Choosing to carry a gun, while a big PERSONAL choice, is no different than buying Nabisco or Keebler. That choice impacts others only slightly and the world at large none at all.

My dad used to say:

"Women have a DESIRE to control, but a psychological need to be dominated."

All the innuendo aside, I believe that. I have seen women make Mountains out of molehills and avoid making decisions. Men lend women perspective, the same as women do men. That is why we are good matches for each other.

Women (like kids) do not want to be pressured to do anything. Quit talking about guns. As I have said, you have made your choice, they can either 1.) Support it and be active in it 2.) ignore it 3.) try to "fix you". Once they realize that you cannot be "fixed" then they will have choices Number 1 and 2. They can leave of course, but that would be in the context of choice 2.

I put my foot down. My wife is a gun owner now. I made it a none issue by getting one. I felt I needed it.... So, she could either escalate it or let it alone. Then someone tried to break into our house, she became a gun supporter and then an owner. Women flip flop. They are one "crisis" away from becoming a gun supporter.

Maybe there is a member in your area that would be willing to "fake" a break in... That will convert even the most rabid anti. ;)
 
jsconnelly... wrote the perfect words I've been searching to say... so I'll repeat them:
This past year, each of the brother-in-laws have come to visit us individually (the 3 of them are scattered about the country). I took the opportunity to take them to the range to teach them about gun safety and show them the fun involved in shooting. I offered no guarantee that they would enjoy it. I simply asked that they just try it. They agreed mainly because they knew I would never give up on guns and since I had them in my house, I wanted them to be safe around them and not afraid.
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rainbow, make them an offer. Individually, take them out shooting to teach family members "firearm safety", use a .22, but also show them how to safely work the firearms you own. Hopefully such an act will lessen their fear or concerns about that aspect of things.

If they agree to do that, perhaps you could then agree to dis-arm when visiting their home (or at least leave firearm locked up in safe box in car).
Don't know what to tell you about your own house and home when grandson is over. Accessible but locked up?

Evil men will still do evil things, all of which you've been able to avoid so far in your life. Perhaps nothing bad will ever occur and it becomes a moot point. Hopefully, as everyone I know who has a fire extinguisher or auto insurance and really doesn't want to have to use it, they might come to accept your state of preparation as like kind.

Worst case, you make a deal to remain unarmed, payback of which is you will teach your grandson firearm safety (when he's old enough) and maybe share some hunting or fishing trips with him. He'll never be the same again.

Good luck sir. (and thank you jsconnelly)
 
My dad used to say:

"Women have a DESIRE to control, but a psychological need to be dominated."
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Well, your dad was wrong. That's as ridiculous as if I were to say that "all men are knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, testosterone-poisoned idiots." Knock off painting us with that brush. It doesn't fit.

Maybe there is a member in your area that would be willing to "fake" a break in... That will convert even the most rabid anti.
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And maybe that will be the time she decides to pick up that gun...and shoots the "fake" robber.

This is the worst idea I've ever read on here, and THAT is saying something.

Springmom
 
Springmom said:
Well, your dad was wrong. That's as ridiculous as if I were to say that "all men are knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, testosterone-poisoned idiots." Knock off painting us with that brush. It doesn't fit.
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errr, how do you figure? I said, that in the context of perspective, men lend women perspective. Same is true the other way. I didn't say anything derogatory, just something that was conflicting. Same as if I said, guys want to think they are in control... Women say that all the time. "He has to THINK it was his idea"...

EDIT - AS far as "painting us with brushes", who is us? Women? Don't women have certain aspects that can be generalized? Men do. The point is the contradiction, and highlighting it in that manner is as good as any. end EDIT

The other comment was obviously a joke, hence the ;)...

I learned a long time ago that I don't speak woman. I can't explain to this poor dude anything unless I set a context.

How do you reconcile protecting your family, with the wife's desire to be (de facto at least) a victim? You can't. You can only point out the contradiction and make your personal choices.
 
Quit being a jerk.
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Not the Highest road response. Y'all want to keep bashing women, have at it. I'm out of here. Rainbowbob, I hope it ends up well for you; and I really do think that some time for them to adjust may bring its own solutions. They knew you for all those years as somebody who didn't carry; they need to get to know you as someone who does.

Good luck.

Springmom
 
This is the worst idea I've ever read on here, and THAT is saying something.
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Yup, it's still early in the year and there are lots of good contenders but I'd bet on this one as the winner: "Maybe there is a member in your area that would be willing to 'fake' a break in... That will convert even the most rabid anti."
 
Springmom said:
Y'all want to keep bashing women, have at it. I'm out of here. Rainbowbob, I hope it ends up well for you; and I really do think that some time for them to adjust may bring its own solutions.
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I wasn't bashing women. I was just pointing out that they are not guys, they don't see things the way we do. So, enough of the putting words in my mouth. I didn't say anything beyond that women have contradictions... And I will fully admit that guys have contradictions as well.
 
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