JMB
The Gospel according to John Moses Browning
The Gospel according to John Moses Browning
1 In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE
pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said,
thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's design for
it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and
lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the
Lord, gave him upon the mountain.
2 And shouldst thou muck with it, and hang all manner
of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal
parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the
midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.
3 And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and
arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began
to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did
place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases
upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the
tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their
clearness of mind being clouded by lust.
4 Their artisans did hang all manner of foul
implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it
became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans
didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the
1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford
one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst
render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell
upon it.
5 And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which
are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break
and loose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And
those who have done so will be slain in great numbers
by their enemies in the great battle. a
6 And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the
abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had
warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the
abominations and upon the artisans who thought they
could do no wrong.
7 Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the
lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to
further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made
of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and
felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded,
they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy
vast quantities of them.
8 And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the
underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable
to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck
much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear
to function.
9 And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which
the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which
require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.
10 But man being stupid did not understand these new
pistols and didst proceed to shoot themselves with the
plastic pistol and with the trigger cocking pistols
for lo their manual of arms required great
intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet
man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming
evil forces for the negligent discharges which they
themselves had committed.
11 And when man had been totally ensnared with the
plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause
a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend upon man
and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution
upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing
of teeth in the land.
12 Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being
opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful
misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form
of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the
prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to
their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement
of men they didst begin to work as the prophet had
intended.
13 And the men of the land didst drive out the
charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was
joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits
which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women
of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal
Damnation by the followers of John Moses Browning
