leserz:
I've just wrapped up many weeks worth of research/shopping so I'll drop my two pennies in the jar...
First, in terms of caliber, I'd steer you to 9mm. A perfectly acceptable SD round with less snap than the .40. As for flinching, get some snap caps and dry practice as much as possible!
To simplify the recommendations you've gotten, I'll divide them into 1st Tier manufacturers (e.g, Glock, Smith and Wesson, Steyr) and 2nd Tier (e.g., Taurus, Bersa, Stoeger). IMO, this is basically about price and reputation, and less about design and function.
It will be VERY tough to find a new 1st Tier gun like the Glock or Smith M&P in your price range (<$400). If you are interested in these pistols, used will be the way to go and it will be FAR easier to find a used Glock than a used M&P. The Smith is just too new for a lot of used examples to be floating around. They are out there, but you've got to be patient. I found a like-new used M&P9 (full size) for $399 with four 17 rnd. mags and a holster, but it took me about two months.
I owned a G17 (the first Glock) and liked it a lot. However with my smallish hands, there is NO comparison in comfort. The M&P's ergonomics are light years ahead. The Glock grip feels like a bar of soap to me now. YMMV.
The Sigma was S&W's first attempt at a Glock competitor. It had some VERY bad teething problems which are worked out by now. Coupled with Smith's rebate, it's fairly inexpensive. I just think the M&P is head and shoulders better ergonomically. Another point to recommend either Smith is that their customer service is excellent!
An Austrian polymer pistol like the Glock, the Steyr M9 is an interesting gun with a few atypical traits like triangular sites and an odd trigger safety. It's been replaced by the Steyr M1A pistol which is almost definitely out of your price range. The Steyrs are good guns if a little quirky.
The Stoeger is nice too. Turkish-made but Beretta designed. All steel, so heavier. It has a rotary barrel locking mechanism (vs. the more common tilt-lock) which is inherently more accurate and allows a higher grip more in line with the barrel axis. This is supposed to translate into less muzzle flip and lower perceived recoil. (I can't vouch for that as I haven't shot the gun.) When I handled the pistol, I felt it was more "blocky," like the Glock. I also thought that rear sights were poor; they were far too narrow for me, but this could easily be changed.
Ruger semi-autos, regardless of model, have always struck me as chunky, utilitarian guns. They are reputed to be very durable, but they don't do anything for me aesthetically.
RIA (Rock Island Armory) manufactures excellent, fairly inexpensive 1911 variants in the Philippines. They are the consensus bargain 1911. It sounds like your first .45 experience wasn't great, but if you want to get back on the horse, this would be a great way to go. Lots of folks think that there's no better fighting handgun than JM Browning's design.
I've got no experience with Bersa, but I've heard good things. Same with the EAA Witness line.
Sorry 'bout the length; this two cents has turned into two bucks!!
To summarize (and assuming 9mm):
Ask yourself...
1. Polymer or all steel?
Maybe this is a non-issue if it's not going to be a carry gun? Folks argue that both are superior at recoil reduction, polymer because it flexes slightly and all steel because it has more mass. Not sure they can both be right!
2. New or used?
You will usually get "more" gun going used, provided the weapon has been maintained. (Although I read somewhere that the average US firearm is shot less than 50 times!)
People will tell you to shoot everything you can. This is easier said than done, especially if you can't find a range with a good selection of rental guns. I'd suggest you search the interwebs for a shooters forum in your home state. Mine has range get-togethers where noobs are welcome to try different guns.
Good luck!
