Just want to mention that if you find it hard to live with yourself after your actions in a critical incident - legit therapeutic options exist. Police and military are now seeing the need for such.
Books by Klinger, Artwhol, Laurence Miller have accessible reads about how LEOs deal with such.
Of course, if you are dead - most therapies have a low success rate.
It is your choice if self image is an important choice in your grand strategy of living.