Tips for conflict de-escalation?
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Thin Black Line
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"Conflict situation" is kind of broad and can be anything from an angry
individual to a group of people. What do you have in mind?
individual to a group of people. What do you have in mind?
Nothing really specific, just anything anybody would like to comment on regarding gettting out of sticky situations without having to resort to defensive violence.
Anything from tips for dealing with mean drunks, "there I was..." stories, to "Ok, NEVER say this to a Swiss ski instructor..." cautionary tales are all fine by me.
Anything from tips for dealing with mean drunks, "there I was..." stories, to "Ok, NEVER say this to a Swiss ski instructor..." cautionary tales are all fine by me.
ZeSpectre
Member
Lots of books have been written on this subject. I'm not trying to be a smartass, it's just that there is no way I could even begin to cover the VOLUMES of information that are out there.
Focus on books written for dealing with troubled teens and you'll be amazed at the information you find about de-escalation of situations both long term and immediate.
Focus on books written for dealing with troubled teens and you'll be amazed at the information you find about de-escalation of situations both long term and immediate.
telling jokes has worked for alot of my friends, another time one of them had some super macho 'vato loco' who was trying to pick a fight with him call him a queer, and he just went with it, it was the funnyest thing I think i've seen in the last ten years.
the big bodybuilder guy running away from my friend who is a short scrawny 'coffee house' type with a scraggly beard and an old guitar. Trying to look cool while my buddy is shouting after him his willingness to perform certain sexual acts in a graphic manner accompanied by broad sweeping gestures to better illustrate the point.
Probably a tactic that won't work in all situations, but if it does, its quite amusing for all your friends.
the big bodybuilder guy running away from my friend who is a short scrawny 'coffee house' type with a scraggly beard and an old guitar. Trying to look cool while my buddy is shouting after him his willingness to perform certain sexual acts in a graphic manner accompanied by broad sweeping gestures to better illustrate the point.
Probably a tactic that won't work in all situations, but if it does, its quite amusing for all your friends.
Things not to say.
Some words mean different things to different people- choose wisely.
Here's a tip that most folks already know:
Years back, good friend of mine was in an argument with a fellow and tossed out the word "boy" (as in "boy, what is the matter with you?").
He did not know back then that if the fellow happens to be an African-American (like this fellow), the argument dynamic changes and becomes rather heated after that point.
What made me wince was around the same time my girlfriend had a spooky habit of commenting on friendly gents by innocently saying, "Oh, now he's a nice boy!" which I knew could eventually get me into an uncomfortable situation if smilingly said to someone who might completely misunderstand the intent.
I can imagine some problems caused between cultural misunderstandings (especially when visiting other countries) could turn ugly quickly without the "instigator" knowing he just declared "fight's on!".
Some words mean different things to different people- choose wisely.
Here's a tip that most folks already know:
Years back, good friend of mine was in an argument with a fellow and tossed out the word "boy" (as in "boy, what is the matter with you?").
He did not know back then that if the fellow happens to be an African-American (like this fellow), the argument dynamic changes and becomes rather heated after that point.
What made me wince was around the same time my girlfriend had a spooky habit of commenting on friendly gents by innocently saying, "Oh, now he's a nice boy!" which I knew could eventually get me into an uncomfortable situation if smilingly said to someone who might completely misunderstand the intent.
I can imagine some problems caused between cultural misunderstandings (especially when visiting other countries) could turn ugly quickly without the "instigator" knowing he just declared "fight's on!".
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SIRVEYR666
Member
Tactical disengagement (a.k.a. run away)
Torpid...I gotta throw this one in. I once took my idiot sister (not "challenged," just "oblivious") to my favorite mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant in NYC's Chinatown. It was a big-time gang place, but during that period it was hard to find anyplace in Chinatown that wasn't, and I'd been going there for years. We have a great meal for, like $12; then my sister gets up, turns to the restaurant's owner, puts her hands together like some moron extra in a Charlie Chan movie and in her very best pidgen Chinese straight from 1930s movies says "Thankee thankee muchee muchee!"
The little bangers came off the wall like the monsters in Aliens II. I defused the situation by 1) shutting my sister up, 2) apologizing profusely to the proprietor and his wife and 3) explaining to the local warlord that my sister was from Seattle, and those people have no sense.
"She's a bitch," he said.
"No kidding," I said.
We all shook hands on it. I had to overtip for the next year...
Michael B
The little bangers came off the wall like the monsters in Aliens II. I defused the situation by 1) shutting my sister up, 2) apologizing profusely to the proprietor and his wife and 3) explaining to the local warlord that my sister was from Seattle, and those people have no sense.
"She's a bitch," he said.
"No kidding," I said.
We all shook hands on it. I had to overtip for the next year...
Michael B
MrTwigg
Member
Don't intend to be glib but
Leave.
Was a bouncer for ten years a looooooong time ago. That's what works.
Leave.
Was a bouncer for ten years a looooooong time ago. That's what works.
cassandrasdaddy
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i use
"i'm sorry" with the appropriate ending added. but do it diplomatically(nice doggy! while reaching behind me for a rock)
"i'm sorry" with the appropriate ending added. but do it diplomatically(nice doggy! while reaching behind me for a rock)
Walk away, don't try to say too much. ignore everything they may say.
If it's just some punk wanting to feel big, they'll let you go because they "won".
If it's someone looking for an excuse to have a fight, there is nothing you can say or do to de-escalate, they'll turn every word into another insult. Just leave as best you can as quickly as you can. By retreating from a threat, you are showing your intentions to not have a conflict. Always be prepared to defend yourself.
If it's just some punk wanting to feel big, they'll let you go because they "won".
If it's someone looking for an excuse to have a fight, there is nothing you can say or do to de-escalate, they'll turn every word into another insult. Just leave as best you can as quickly as you can. By retreating from a threat, you are showing your intentions to not have a conflict. Always be prepared to defend yourself.
Pax Jordana
Member
Usually easy enough
..give 'em what they want. It's so basic, the laws in my state are based (loosely) around the whole idea.
They say "buggeroff" then buggeroff. Let 'em take the chair, the table, the parking spot.
It's what you can't or won't give them that makes it a conflict (your body or your life are prime examples)
..give 'em what they want. It's so basic, the laws in my state are based (loosely) around the whole idea.
They say "buggeroff" then buggeroff. Let 'em take the chair, the table, the parking spot.
It's what you can't or won't give them that makes it a conflict (your body or your life are prime examples)
mountainclmbr
Member
Surrender, that is the fastest way to deescalate if it was not you who started the event.
And what they almost always want is to simply elevate their social status in front of the group while degrading yours. They look a little bigger (to the type of morons who care
) and you look a little smaller.Too easy, just stay calm and leave. Don't make a smart remark unless you want to give them a social excuse to escalate. This will work until you run into someone who wants to beat you no matter what you say or do. These people you need to make anatomical things stop functioning until you can escape...haven't run into anyone who wanted to assault me no matter what yet.
A good verbal way to get it over with: "I don't want any trouble, I just want to leave. Are you going to let me leave or are you going to assault me?" Say it loud enough for witnesses to hear, hands palms toward them, up or down (very non-threatening). If they say, or do anything other than letting you leave, take them out (or at a minimum, be spring loaded ready to go). Be wary of a fake verbal telling you to leave, then a sucker punch. Key on body language. If the say "I'm gonna kick y...." Don't let them complete the sentence, they are clearly demonstrating their intent to physically assault you. Respond with the minimum amount of force necessary to ensure the safe escape of yourself and any others with you.
The power in a statement like this is it cuts right through the social BS and forces a decision on their part without any excuse to escalate. "Are you going to attack me, or let me leave?" I haven't had to do this myself, but people I have trained have used it. So far, no fights, just confusion on the part of the aggressor and they let them go.
BullfrogKen
Moderator Emeritus
Well, see, the hairy thing about all these "what-ifs" and "what would you do" hypotheticals, and even the "what I dids", are that they aren't universal. What works for him, may or may nor work for you, certainly won't work for me . . . etc. because we are all different people. Our mannerisms, our personalities, the way we look . . . an infinite number of variables play into why some things work for some people, and won't for others.
But to add something meaningful to the conversation. . .
At the last NTI event, during the Simunitions event in ATSA village, one Practitioner did something that worked very well to de-escalate a situation. The scenanio goes as such - the Practitioner is blinded (simulated) by a chemical release and has to make his way to the 1st aid station. He is given a face shield the Staff had buggered up badly that almost entirely obscures his vision. A Role Player (an infirm woman) will lead him to the area if he allows her to help him. On the way, a few men playing the role of VCA's will initiate an encounter with a "bump", and the scenario plays itself out from there.
This particular Practitioner allows her to help him make his way, and the men begin giving them both grief. He clamly and without shouting, states in a clear voice, "Why don't you just leave us alone." He wasn't aggressive, but he was assertive. And it was enough that all the Role Players, and the Judge, concluded that he successfully de-escalated the situation via a firm, confident presence. You could clearly tell he did not want to fight. But he conveyed the message that, even while blinded, he would be a tough adversary if pushed into fighting.
Sure, some will counter its role playing. And other suggest that its not "real". But the Practitioners in the Villiage, even to include an experienced combat Marine veteran of Vietnam who went on to retire from a large Metropolitan police force, and now trains thousands professionally, stated that being blinded in that scenario was absolutely terrifying. And the responses we deliver in Simulated Force on Force will mirror what we do during the "real thing".
I suggest the best way to learn what will work for you is to try it in a quality Force on Force training, with good, experienced Judges and Role Players available to give you feedback on your execution.
But to add something meaningful to the conversation. . .
At the last NTI event, during the Simunitions event in ATSA village, one Practitioner did something that worked very well to de-escalate a situation. The scenanio goes as such - the Practitioner is blinded (simulated) by a chemical release and has to make his way to the 1st aid station. He is given a face shield the Staff had buggered up badly that almost entirely obscures his vision. A Role Player (an infirm woman) will lead him to the area if he allows her to help him. On the way, a few men playing the role of VCA's will initiate an encounter with a "bump", and the scenario plays itself out from there.
This particular Practitioner allows her to help him make his way, and the men begin giving them both grief. He clamly and without shouting, states in a clear voice, "Why don't you just leave us alone." He wasn't aggressive, but he was assertive. And it was enough that all the Role Players, and the Judge, concluded that he successfully de-escalated the situation via a firm, confident presence. You could clearly tell he did not want to fight. But he conveyed the message that, even while blinded, he would be a tough adversary if pushed into fighting.
Sure, some will counter its role playing. And other suggest that its not "real". But the Practitioners in the Villiage, even to include an experienced combat Marine veteran of Vietnam who went on to retire from a large Metropolitan police force, and now trains thousands professionally, stated that being blinded in that scenario was absolutely terrifying. And the responses we deliver in Simulated Force on Force will mirror what we do during the "real thing".
I suggest the best way to learn what will work for you is to try it in a quality Force on Force training, with good, experienced Judges and Role Players available to give you feedback on your execution.
RustyShackelford
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good ideas for conflict management...
I deal with irrate intoxicated and/or unstable people on a regular basis as part of my job duties. I do not claim to be an "expert" on dealing with events but I have picked up a few useful tips over the years;
1) Maintain a safe distance. If a subject moves close to you then back up a few steps or stand at an angle. LE agencies/training officers call this the "field interview stance". If you get into a subject's face they may get more aggressive.
2) Keep your voice calm and even. If the subject starts to yell or scream, keep your voice down but speak in clear calm tones. This may make the person slow down or focus on what they are saying.
3) Make statements that push answers or resolve disputes; "What do you want to do here?" "Why do you feel this way?" "Why are you upset?" etc. If you let people vent and release the anger they may start to work out a way to end most conflicts.
4) Avoid events where several subjects talk at once. These problems occur when 2-3-4 people argue or yell at once. Seperate the parties if you can and deal with each subject before you decide what way to resolve the conflict.
Rusty S
I deal with irrate intoxicated and/or unstable people on a regular basis as part of my job duties. I do not claim to be an "expert" on dealing with events but I have picked up a few useful tips over the years;
1) Maintain a safe distance. If a subject moves close to you then back up a few steps or stand at an angle. LE agencies/training officers call this the "field interview stance". If you get into a subject's face they may get more aggressive.
2) Keep your voice calm and even. If the subject starts to yell or scream, keep your voice down but speak in clear calm tones. This may make the person slow down or focus on what they are saying.
3) Make statements that push answers or resolve disputes; "What do you want to do here?" "Why do you feel this way?" "Why are you upset?" etc. If you let people vent and release the anger they may start to work out a way to end most conflicts.
4) Avoid events where several subjects talk at once. These problems occur when 2-3-4 people argue or yell at once. Seperate the parties if you can and deal with each subject before you decide what way to resolve the conflict.
Rusty S
Thin Black Line
Member
I think this has been covered more or less here, but, yeah, basically don't
mouth off by trading insults and just leave.
People get into a pissing match and then want to stand their ground. This
is dog-like behavior. Since when did a parking space, spot in line outside
the theater, or knocking shoulders while passing someone on the sidewalk
amount to ground that was worth defending?
Things that may work when a stranger approaches you wanting to fight
1) Comedy, not making fun of the person but saying or doing something funny. They say the best comedians grew up getting picked on.
2) Acting Mental. Not a lot of people want to fight a crazy person.
3) "Don't I know you, like growing up, when we we kids?" or great for old people being harrassed by young people "Don't I know your mom?"
Otherwise like Rusty said, calm voice, don't get confrontational, Ask whats wrong, apologize even if you did nothing, and back away.
1) Comedy, not making fun of the person but saying or doing something funny. They say the best comedians grew up getting picked on.
2) Acting Mental. Not a lot of people want to fight a crazy person.
3) "Don't I know you, like growing up, when we we kids?" or great for old people being harrassed by young people "Don't I know your mom?"
Otherwise like Rusty said, calm voice, don't get confrontational, Ask whats wrong, apologize even if you did nothing, and back away.
Horsesense
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You may want to take a look at this discussion “Eye contact yes or no” . Towords the bottom of the first page, i post a link to a very good web site.
http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=37640&highlight=eye+contact
http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=37640&highlight=eye+contact
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