What dictates your relations with strangers?

[Little_Bigman]

There's a discussion going on right now in which a fairly innocent situation escalated to within spitting distance of a gunfight over one flip remark to a stranger.

Other people are the one variable you can't account for in any type of practice, you really have no way of knowing what's going to cause a person to take ( in their mind legitimate) offense to a remark you meant entirely innocently. (Kinda like the white tourists who call me "chief").

How do you account for that? do you tend to be more reserved ? Quicker to back down? I'm only mouthy on the internet, I tend to be very quiet around strangers in the real world. I almost never start conversations with people I don't know.

I'd like to hear some other opinions

 

[Duke of Doubt]

I try not to give offense in person, as I used to take offense more easily and know that people make remarks they don't understand can be highly offensive to the wrong person, and that wrong person may be having a pretty rotten day and explode. I've seen it happen. That person may be armed, or may simply attack you and call his friends to jump in. I've worked with and for persons who not only give offense, but take offense in situations they shouldn't. I just assume that the doofus down the bar might be like the "Tommy" character in Goodfellas. I've developed a very low-key, respectful style, and it seems to rub off and keep people from making remarks against me except clearly in jest. I've become known as a guy who can talk to anyone.

 

[Little_Bigman]

I tend to be very reserved myself, I actually get offended when the phone rings. I won't answer it, that's my wife's job.

I really don't like to interact with people I don't know. If I don't know you I really don't even want you to say "hi" to me. Knowing this about myself, I tend to be very careful how I interact with strangers because you already started out on my bad side by entering my bubble uninvited and that's not your fault. ( it makes sense in my world). If it is an actual altercation it's all you because I show the white feather quick because I'm already totally pissed by the time it gets to voices raised. When I say " This is more important to you than to me, you win." my wife knows it's time to leave.

 

[rondog]

I'm not religious by any stretch, but I do try to abide by "The Golden Rule" of treating others the way you want them to treat you. Seems to work. I'm not really outgoing, but not unfriendly either. More introverted than extroverted, I guess. Tend to let others make the first move, and I tend to be wary.

 

[Fred Fuller]

From the local news:

http://sandspuronline.com/article?id=317456
Published on Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Man shot in grocery store parking lot

PEMBROKE — A Pembroke man was shot in the stomach following an altercation Sunday afternoon in the Food Lion parking lot, police said.

Luther C----- Jr., 35, was in stable condition Monday at Southeastern Regional Medical Center in Lumberton, said acting Police Chief Dwayne Hunt.

C----- was involved in an altercation late last year with Bobby Ray S-------, 44, of Pembroke. It escalated and led to Sunday’s shooting, Hunt said.

Both men were at the grocery store shopping for the Super Bowl, Hunt said. The shooting happened at 2:30 p.m. at the Food Lion on Third Street.

“The suspect said the victim communicated a threat and it went from there,” he said.

S------ was charged with assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury. His bail was set at $10,000.

C----- is facing charges from last year’s incident involving S------, Hunt said.
=================

It's what gets referred to locally as 'a feud'-something causes hard feelings between two people, then one of the parties involved says something untoward, or just bumps into the other person, and something bad happens. This kind of thing goes on for YEARS around here.

And Little_Bigman, my zip code is 97% Native American- Robeson County, NC has the largest percentage of Native American population of any county in the US east of the Mississippi, according to National Geographic Magazine .

In this particular case, the shooter apparently did not intend to kill- he shot low, deliberately so, I'm told. In incidents of this sort that result in cutting rather than shooting, the person with the knife will pinch the blade between thumb and forefinger about 1/2 to 3/4" from the tip. The obvious intent is not to kill, but to... communicate.

I had just as soon not be communicated with in such a fashion, so I remain circumspect in dealing with anyone I don't know, and I do my best to avoid situations where friction might result. The social mores are different here, along with a lot of other things. But that's the main reason we moved here in the first place. The main reason for that being, things tend to work both ways- no one here goes out of their way very much to hunt trouble, because it's too easy to find.

lpl

 

[thirdeagle]

I more than willing to extend courtesy to someone in need but otherwise I mind my own business. Simply put, I DO NOT have relations with "strangers." I generally ignore solicitation and begging. On one occasion after an Asheville Tourists baseball game I got a "hey, I'm talking to you" from a guy trying to get some money off of me. Apparently, he didn't like the fact that I did not respond to him when he rather persistently asked for some cash so he could "get a drink." He followed me and my companion to my car where I quickly became very confrontational; we had been cornered. Needless to say he did not get what he wanted and almost got more than what he bargained for.

 

[ron768]

Strangers

I trust no one that I dont know and very few that I do know.

 

[Little_Bigman]

And Little_Bigman, my zip code is 97% Native American

What are you trying to comunicate here?

When I'm talking about interacting with strangers I don't mean winos, crackheads and beggars. What about the guy that just ACCIDENTLY ran over your foot with a shopping cart? or the Nebraska fan who takes exception to your CU buffs hat. The guy with the off the leash lab that just snagged your kids ice cream cone?

 

[Fred Fuller]

What are you trying to comunicate here?

Just that different cultures exist all over the supposedly homogenous country of ours, and different mores apply as well. If anything at all, this place is more like where I grew up (very rural central Alabama), when I grew up (1950s) than any place I've been since I moved away from home.

And that this place has been multicultural, as well as multiracial, for longer than any other place on the continent I know of. In other words, since European ships first showed up on this side of the Atlantic. The oral history says that the Native Americans who came to this part of the state of NC more than 400 years ago, after losing a war with other Native Americans further north- this part of the state being low lying, swampy, and largely ignored by everyone else thereby- brought with them the survivors of Sir Walter Raleigh's Lost Colony. A lot of the local surnames match up to those of the colonists. The accent of a lot of folks who were born here bears a striking resemblance to the Elizabethan English tones heard in the Tidewater of NC and VA. Though there is no written record of such a thing, there are efforts under way to discover scientifc evidence- http://www.lost-colony.com/ being one of those.

It's an interesting place to live, truly like Nowhere Else On Earth, as one author titled her novel about the region ( http://us.penguingroup.com/static/rguides/us/nowhere_else_on_earth.html ). The Revolutionary War was more like a civil war here, and the War Between the States really was a civil war. People here have long memories. They don't 'get over' things easily, but the pain of those long ago conflicts runs deep. People here will go far out of their way to avoid trouble of any sort, up to a point. As far as most are concerned, there has been enough trouble already, and no one wants to stir up more if it can be avoided.

Only that... and the reasons things are that way here, as best I have come to understand them.

lpl

 

[Duke of Doubt]

Absolutely agree on regional cultural variation. For a number of years I've lived and practiced in rural Maine (albeit in an urban locale). You just don't get more regional than that. It's a hoot. And I grew up in a major metropolitan area in a different part of the country, and lived and practiced for years in yet another such area. All said, I'll take rural Maine. Ayuh.

 

[MostlyHarmless]

I treat strangers and outcasts I encounter as the children of God who they are. I do not consider them a threat unless the markers for danger are there.

I personally do not believe that firearms are of effective use in dealing with slowly escalating disputes with random people. I carry to deal with people who have made a decision to use violence as a tool long before they have met me.

 

[Duke of Doubt]

Exactly on point, MostlyHarmless. Children of God don't need force applied. Making and breaking contact is a matter of a smile, a nod and maybe a shared cigarette.

 

[Little_Bigman]

As I've said before, I'm very reserved. My wife says I'm "closed" and I've seen people that I could tell were about to say something look at my face and just walk away. So I know I'm not an approachable person.

I tend to take that into account when dealing with someone who does invade my bubble.

What I don't do is remind myself to avoid conflict specifically because I'm carrying a gun.

That's what I'm getting at. If you get cut off in traffic or someone bumps into you at the store do you remind yourself " oh I'm packing I can't go here" ? Are you more or less likely to be belligerant when armed?

Since I'm antisocial by nature armed or not I tend to go out of my way to be polite without regard to the gun.

 

[DRYHUMOR]

I generally give people the benefit of doubt, until they prove otherwise. In public, I'll interact with a lot of people. I private, in my personal space, whole different story.

There's a lot of good interesting people out there, I've struck up conversations that have lasted 20-30 minutes. Covering anything from the economy and politics to religion and good food.

Of course there are a lot of good people out there gone bad, you figure those out fairly quick. If my gut tells me to be wary, I am, and I run the options through my mind accordingly.

 

[Todd A]

My wife says I'm "closed"

I could tell were about to say something look at my face and just walk away. So I know I'm not an approachable person.

Ditto.........My better-half calls it my "Why are you breathing my air?" look.

 

[qwert65]

It really is a regional thing, when I moved from NJ to KS, They thought I was rude for not talking to them. I thought they were retarded for talking to me about nothing when I had no idea who they were. (country freindliness)

I learned how to deal, though I still don't start conversations/greet everyone with a smile. However I've helped strangers in both states and will continue to do so.
I've also inadvertantley insulted many ppl (my east coast sarcasm that is not known as sarcasm outside of NYC/NJ/PHL) that is a prob but I just apologize. So far its never escalated most people dont want to fight and you apologizing makes them feel better. I had some problems with some guys from Ft. Riley but just drunk stuff that bouncers took care of.

 

[bikerdoc]

(my east coast sarcasm that is not known as sarcasm outside of NYC/NJ/PHL)

Had the same problem when I moved to So. Virginia from Boston. The community here is diverse, but the social contract of the area is to greet stangers when passing through doorways, A nod and a smile will suffice, dont cuss in public, and hold doors for women, among others.
Took me a while to figure it out. Anything beyound the obligatory I still find suspect. I'm a superficial outgoing person, but it takes a lot to get close to me.
I really find most people boring, and perfer to project the cranky curmudgeon
image. I have enough friends, and value my quiet time. So when the it gets time for "the Stare" some people have decisions to make.

 

[qwert65]

Biker, I forgot about Boston, course with your guys accents no one understands you anyway

 

[MachIVshooter]

I forgot about Boston, course with your guys accents no one understands you anyway

Seems to me that the upper East coast is missing a few letters from the alphabet. My family hails from New York, and few of them have ever been accused of using the letter "R" in the spoken word. New Yawkas, for sure.

 

[bikerdoc]

pahk ta cah in havad yahd (sniker and smirk)

 

[pmeisel]

Happy to live (again) in an area where it is more common to say hi to strangers than ignore them. They are neighbors, after all.

 

[twoclones]

How do I react to others taking offense?
Humor... I'm told that I am terribly quick-whitted and I tend to find humor in just about every situation. Particularly misunderstandings. That in it's self can irritate certain folks,,, not many. But on those occasions when humor and smiles fail, while not tall, I am built like a fire plug so am generally allowed to walk away.

P.S. - I wake up happy too which irrites the heck out of my girlfriend ;-)

 

[mcwjr13]

I have found that being polite saying you are sorry and a smile goes a long way to de-escalting a situaion. Some people however are just itching to take their problems out on you, these situations often cannot be resolved. I would not socially shutdown there are still a lot of really good and interesting people out there.

 

[Davionmaximus]

I still don't talk to strangers...

 

[expvideo]

I'm a self admitted jerk on the internet, but I am a much more likable person in real life. I am polite to everyone, but firm. I usually won't give the homeless guy money, but I'm not going to give him a hard time either. I don't talk a whole lot, but I'm not shy. I don't say offensive things and I don't get offended. I smile when I make eye contact with people. If I do have to be firm with someone I don't know, I do it carefully so as not to be on the wrong side of the law and not to escalate the situation further than it already is. I avoid confrontation, but I don't do it by being entirely reclusive. I avoid areas and situations that might be dangerous, but I don't fear my own shadow like some people. Most importantly, I am very confident without being condescending.