Abusive Ex-bf, threatens, calls us @ work to say "I'm in the house"

[wacki]

Long story short my girlfriend has an extremely controlling and abusive ex-boyfriend that won't let her go and it's been carrying on for over a year despite the fact that he dumped her long before she met me and he currently lives/works in Puerto Rico for a fortune 500 company. Puerto Rico is a long ways away from Indiana but that doesn't stop him from leaving 15 messages on her voice mail in a single day telling her how worthless she is and how great he is. He's had her in a tough spot as they co-bought a house and she desperately wants to avoid a legal battle. Needless to say he's a control freak and has been using this against her to the maximum extent. It took a while to raise the funds to buy him out but the paper work is currently being processed and should be finalized in 6 weeks. However, today we had an unexpected visit from Puerto Rico. He called her while she was at work to tell her he was going through all of her (and it appears my) stuff and basically cuss her out. He also threatened to put me in the hospital if he ever met me in person. When we got home the first thing we saw was a disembodied head of a stuffed Koala on the floor. Getting the police involved is something she wants to avoid until the paperwork is finalized due to possible legal battles.

If you want some more details about this psycho you can read this thread which was closed due to possible relationship advice.... which I don't want because we treat each other very well. I'm only worried about psycho and I'm desperately trying to avoid a situation where anyone will discharge a gun.

At this point I'm thinking the best thing for her to do is when he threatens to "put me in the hospital" is for her to tell him "if you do attack him then things are very likely to spiral out of control and bad things are likely to happen to everyone involved". Right now she simply remains silent.

That phrase plays on his fears of a lack of control without bruising his ego or posing a challenge that he feels he has to step to. My goal is to disarm the situation with neutral language.... if that's at all possible. I'm going to look into Indiana wire-tap laws as well and have my girlfriend record their conversations.

Any advice you can give will be appreciated.

 

[rainbowbob]

I question a 6-week time frame to execute what should be a simple real estate transaction. Insist that the re-distribution of assests be put on the fast track.

A no-contact order detailng all he has done so far and prohibiting him from contacting either of you, except through an attorney.

New phone numbers.

New locks.

Firearm training for the GF.

A loaded shotgun in the bedroom.

Have I missed anything?

 

[wacki]

I question a 6-week time frame to execute what should be a simple real estate transaction.

Real estate is not my forte. She's talked to a banking lawyer and recently paid $900 to get closing costs and things approved. I suspect that the 6 weeks is a maximum time frame and it will probably be sooner. I'm not sure how much of his *mostly* Puerto Rico local contributes to the 6 weeks. I'll find out the details.

 

[Geronimo45]

Again, moving might be a good idea. Do you have a legal right to keep this guy out of the house? If so, do your best to make this happen. Change locks (you might want to put locks on interior doors, BTW), set up door stops... make sure you're well up on the 'prevention' angle - as well as the 'cure' - get a gun and training with it. Try to do a 'character study' on your guy, if possible. See what makes him cower, see what makes him kick. Get a restraining order (or whatever they call it) on him. Record him. Document every case of his unhingedness.

 

[rainbowbob]

If the GF is in the process of obtaining a loan, it could take that kind of time. I was under the impression the funds had already been delivered.

 

[wacki]

make sure you're well up on the 'prevention' angle - as well as the 'cure' - get a gun and training with it. Try to do a 'character study' on your guy, if possible.

Are you talking about something specific?

See what makes him cower, see what makes him kick.

He's afraid of anything he can't control. For instance, he can't ride a roller coaster or walking in some rather ritzy areas of down town Chicago cuz he's terrified of people that might have knives. He loves bullying weak and defenseless people. But at the same time my gf says he used to get into bar fights every weekend when he was in college at Purdue. He left a 5 minute voice mail on her phone saying I was a "goofy geek" over and over again despite the fact that he's never met me or talked to me. So I'm sure he views me as weak too. Which is unfortunate as I'm quite capable of defending myself. During my freshman year I had the unfortunate circumstance of being on the same University dorm floor of a now deceased murderer. Sometimes this guy reminds me of him, other times he just seems like a gigantic wuss that needs to beat people up to feel good about himself. He constantly talks very highly of himself and is very proud of the fact that he has a high paying job.

Do you have a legal right to keep this guy out of the house?

Not until closing.

 

[wacki]

If the GF is in the process of obtaining a loan, it could take that kind of time. I was under the impression the funds had already been delivered.

There is a loan on the house but I believe she is simply getting the loan altered. She's paying him cash. Will talk specifics about it more with her.

 

[wacki]

Any suggestions for recording devices that will work great on cellphones? She doesn't have a land line.

 

[Harvster]

I would heed all suggestions for personal safety. I wouldn't move though. If he knows the job locations, and even if he doesn't, its not exactly hard to find someone these days. And, based on the personality, a guy like that would pride himself on being so smart in being able to find you. Tell GF to tell him that she feels sorry for him, doesn't need him or a bunch of money to be happy, and that she hopes he finds someone to be happy with some day. This sort of stuff takes away the confrontational nature and making him the object of pity will likely not sit well with his ego.

 

[Alexfubar]

Restraining order. Always goes in favor of the GF. Will bar psycho from legal entry to the home - even if he owns it. Good prep work if things turn physical.

Get your own name on it as well , if possible.

Carry +P Hollowpoints.

 

[aguyindallas]

1. Change the locks - even if he has a "right" to be there right now.
2. Get a monitored alarm system. This will at the very least generate a phone call to your girlfriends cell phone (and/or yours) if it is triggered by him entering the house. Let the alarm company send the police. Head home and sort it out with the police that he is a whack job and needs to stay away (ala restraining order).
3. Everybody carries a gun, all the time. Everybody is trained in proper use.
4. Everything stays locked.
5. Let him know that if he continues to screw with you guys, anonomys faxes/letters/emails will begin showing up at the Human Resource office of his "high paying job". Yes - this is wrong, but I suspect its a point at which he will cower. Trust me, if those things show up at an HR office of a large company, he will get attention at work and be under a microscope.

 

[Geronimo45]

Are you talking about something specific?

Just "an ounce of prevention's worth a pound of cure." The 'cure' is the permanent solution (shooting him), which should be avoided. Prevention involves taking a different route to work/school, changing locks (if that's possible), moving, getting a restraining order. The 'character study' is to determine the best way for her to say "drop dead, Harvey Finch. Bother me no more," since you want that line to resonate with him, and get him to back off (try to avoid threatening him, as he may very well be recording the calls on his end). Does her cell have a speakerphone attachment? That could make recording the calls much easier.

 

[missouri dave]

RainbowBob hit it on the head. Be a crying shame though if this yeahoo had an unfortunate accident wouldn't it?

 

[Soybomb]

I think you need to reconcile your feelings on the matter and act appropriately. One one hand you seem to think he reminds you of a murderer and think he might do one or both of you great harm, on the other you're worried about complications over some real estate. These seem to be conflicting. If he is a real threat then you need to be talking to the police and taking this in a direction that protects your safety even if it means some financial loss.

She's not talking to him anymore is she?

 

[Titan6]

I'm not really qualified to give you advice on your situation but I would strongly reccommend contacting the police as soon as possible.

 

[mbt2001]

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING AND REPORT IT TO THE POLICE, TO YOUR LAWYER (if you don't have one get one) TO YOUR FRIENDS, LANDLORD, NEIGHBORS. DOCUMENT. GET A CAMERA SYSTEM INSTALLED (about $400). Get an Alarm system. Bug your phone and log all of his nutty calls. Continue to report it to the police and lawyer. Get a restraining order. Get a dog. If you have the money, get an attack dog that is trained ($15K) if not anything will do. Don't forget to put a few cameras on the same system in the house, to document unlawful entry.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT, GET AS MANY SECURITY LAYERS AS POSSIBLE.

God forbid you have to shoot the SOB, then you are in the clear. A documented case of harassment and borderline assault. If the nutty boy friend was physically abusive, she needs to file charges, that will at least keep him from legally buying a gun...

Anyway, good luck amigo.

 

[W.E.G.]

Let's see.

YOUR STUFF is at the house (co)owned by the ex. ***?

Dude, you are living in a house that belongs to some psycho who hates you.
Am I right?

You need to move.

With or without the "girlfriend."

 

[conw]

I agree with what people like mbt2001 are saying.

Also, from this line you wrote and lines like it...

He left a 5 minute voice mail on her phone saying I was a "goofy geek" over and over again despite the fact that he's never met me or talked to me. So I'm sure he views me as weak too.

I think you're buying into this guy's control game. I think that's because your girlfriend is buying into his control game. And the reason she's doing that is probably the same reason she chose to be with him in the past: she has low self-confidence and was probably neglected as a kid.

I don't mean to sound like some kind of guru, but you are best thinking through this independently of your girlfriend, who is not able to deal rationally or logically with the guy. I'm totally serious. You've already endangered yourself, and to some extent her (although she is mainly responsible for that) by buying into her fantasyland BS. "I don't want to get the police involved, even though threats have been made on my life..."

Come on! PREVENTION, like other people have said. A lawyer, some documentation, plenty of proof, and a firm attitude toward your girlfriend about this.

Set an ultimatum. "If he threatens me/us one more time, I am going to the police and getting a lawyer, etc." He is controlling you through your girlfriend! She is still entangled with him psychologically, and you are not seeing that.

I might sound harsh, but you need to get on the ball here. There could be serious consequences if not. Red flags are up! Stop buying into your codependent girlfriend's fantasy worldview on these matters and think for yourself. What do you want us to tell you here, "Wait it out and just hope for the best?"

I'd recommend counseling for your girlfriend, as well. She really seems to have some serious codependency issues. And I hope you see that I am concerned and trying to advocate your best interests here.

 

[Thermactor]

With baggage like that, it might just be best for you in the long run to find another girlfriend.

 

[Hobie]

This isn't intended to be critical of the original poster but I can see that it might be, still it needs to be repeated (as W.E.G. said..)

NEVER, EVER live in the EX's house... Ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or whatever. Don't. Gives one an alternate address in the case of such as this.

#2 one should review the romantic interest's past relationships. One should always know what is what. It is always incumbent on one partner to watch out for the other partner.

#3 Just because you've screwed up that doesn't mean the SOB has a right to harm anyone in any way. Document, document, document.

One other thing, if you do end up having to shoot the sorry so-and-so don't expect for your relationship to continue...

 

[scythefwd]

IANAL, take this with a grain of salt, this is what I would recommend.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT!!!!! delete his voicemails. Go to the cops, and say I would like a restraining order against this guy. I have evidence of stalking, harassment, and if he is so stupid as to threaten either of you on the phone, fear of my personal safety or life. Play the voicemails for them, they will then be able to subpeona a recording directly from the service provider. The service provider will be court ordered to turn over those voice mails, as well as all others most likely and phone records, to show how often this guy is calling.

If you dont have a ccw, get one both of you. If this guy is as nuts as you say, he won't confront you at your home where you are already entrenched. If he does, he will make sure you get to the house after he has had some time to search it for guns and other defensive weapons. Shotgun behind the door arms him, P38 in your holster leaves you armed and him not. Since you should have the restraining order on him, he will not be legally in the house. That leaves him with breaking and entering, violation of the restraining order, if he gets belligerant... assualt and or battery (they are two different charges), and maybe home invasion.

If he continues to call after a no contact/ restraining order, forward all evidence to the cops. Also, feel free to get his company involved, but you are asking him to show up if you do that. Nothing ticks off a bully like taking his money, and he could be very well fired if his company gets wind of this, especially if it is as bad as you describe.

Get a dog that is known for its loyalty. They will be more likely to defend you or your gf if anything gets hairy. They usually make better guard dogs as well. Some breeds that do exceeding well in this are American staffordshire terriers, american bull dogs, german shepards, bull mastifs (99% of all mastifs were bread as property guard dogs for large (100 acre) plots of land). The sooner the better, you can get "pits"(which include american staffordshire terriers (mine is the best dog I have ever owned), american pit bull terriers (also a good dog when raised and loved), and about 80 other breeds that are lumped together) from many rescue organizations that will be very loyal and more than willing to let the human be in charge. The sooner you adopt / rescue the dog, the sooner it sees you as the alpha male and female, and the sooner it bonds to you. The more bonded it is to you, the more fiercely it will defend you (which is why they are used as pit fighters, they will do anything to please their owners).

Above and beyond all that, get the locks changed. Get an alarm system that is monitored and runs on battery backup. If I cut the power to your house, you want the alarm to still be working at least. One with motion activated camera's is my choice, you have to make that choice on your own.

From the stalking routine, here are what they teach in the military. Vary your schedule, including your route to work, and your work schedule. Make an emergency plan for escape. Make sure your family knows the plan and can execute it. Be able to positively identify anyone at the door, don't open it without identifying the person. Always tell someone where you are going and when you expect to get there, if you aren't on schedule.. call them. The rest they mention don't really apply to living in the US, but they also mention checking your mail for suspicious packages, inspecting your car every time you drive it. A dirty car is more secure than a clean car, you can see where someone touched it in the dirt smears.

I am not going to say stay in or get out of the relationship. I know I would have not left if this happened with my wife back when we were dating. Only you can make that call.

 

[bensdad]

Everyone involved has issues...

Let's see, he broke into the house and wrecked stuff. That's illegal. He threatened your life. That's illegal. He clearly has issues.

She doesn't want to involve the police. I'd say she doesn't have much regard for your safety. There's a clue. She has issues.

You ask what to do, instead of packing your stuff and moving on. Sorry, you're in the mess too. Say goodbye. Tell her it didn't work out.

 

[mbt2001]

I am also going to go along with the idea that...

All girlfriends have "nutty" x's. Women get traction with men acting like the "victim"... Do yourself a favor and be direct and honest with her... If she starts to manipulate you (crying, getting angry or any of that crap) then leave.

Don't be the latest in a long line of guys that she uses.

Edit - (after I read conwicts post)

I am not saying she is using anyone... But if she IS, then don't be the latest...

 

[conw]

Don't be the latest in a long line of guys that she uses.

I think the sentiment's well placed (IE, put up or get out) but I don't think she's using anyone intentionally, per se. She is definitely emotionally disturbed/traumatized from way the original post reads.

Whether she's manipulative or just really really messed up is debatable, but the main point here is that if the original poster wants to stay safe he has to do something...and that would entail more than "defusing the situation using neutral language."

Whether he stays with her and gets her into counseling (which, BTW, will take years to work) or cuts and runs, it's clear the status quo is not an option! And immediate action is called for, on the legal and defensive fronts. Past that, the relationship is shot to heck if the girlfriend has this little regard for his and her own safety. I mean, get a clue, she's basically protecting an abusive ex-BF. Come on!!!

 

[sm]

Don't advertise anything about anything and only confide in those you have to for business reasons, and only a few trusted, and I do mean trusted friends.

Slow down, real slow, think thrice, act once.
Get restraining order, beef up locks and other things, change schedules and make an effort to be so cool, smooth, not rattled, and triple dot "i's" and triple cross "t's".

Here is the deal, control and power freaks thrive and need folks to feel threatened and controlled. This allows them the ability to continue on in various stages.

Throw them off their game by not allowing them to have power over you.

The more power they get from you, the more they want. This feeds them to go on to other stages.
Additionally, when they feel in control they are in a zone and go along pretty methodically and in a pace.

By not allowing them control, not letting it show you have allowed them power over you, this will usually accelerate some bad stuff and fast.

They make mistakes, get sloppy, and while more dangerous for you and GF, this makes it easier to support your case, concerns , and have proper authorities handle the matter.

This is where only those you really and truly trust comes into play.
Even if this means a body guard, posing as a college buddy for her or you to come stay and hang out.

I am serious, be so cool you have ice water in your veins.

This guy will trip up, and it may come out he has someone or more than someone locally assisting him in keeping tabs on all this.
It would not surprise me.
So this is another reason to shut up, trust nobody and keep a really tight circle.

A bodyguard or off duty lady cop to pose as a college buddy is another set of eyes and ears that can document, document, document and have weight as a witness for all sorts of things in some regard more so than a trusted personal friend.

Just my thoughts based on some life experiences and observations dealing with matters such as this.

Do NOT advertise guns, shooting, targets, training, martial arts, or anything.
Well meaning folks will invariably open their big fat mouths at the wrong damn time and advertise to the wrong folks, and even illegal ears the very things that will will come back and bite folks in the butt the hardest.

In a review, hearing, in a judges chambers, you do not want anything to come back and bite you, as the one seeking power over you, will turn that 180* and now the burden of proof in on you.

"Well judge, I got a bit scared, as one them friends of theirs has a gun sticker on their car and I am a bit scared about guns your honor...".

I have heard that said by the one doing evil and it can totally screw up everything.
The evil fella got the restraining order against the gal he was harassing first!