Abusive Ex-bf, threatens, calls us @ work to say "I'm in the house"

[conw]

I'm also going to talk go to a professional therapist as conwict and others are making me wonder about my own decision making. I generally am very nurturing and protective and so they may be right. I also don't give up on people easily. It will be extremely tough for me to give up on someone that treats me as well as she does. Not sure what to think here.

Didn't you say you had voice mail messages saved? Whether you do or not, a "hole card" might be to leave a voice mail message for him that, while not overly provocative, might lead HIM to lead a ranting, raving display of vulgarity on your GF's voice mail. Use with care.

As I mentioned, I don't think there is a "black and white" to codependency...there are always positive traits, and usually as you said the types of people who get into this situation "mean well." Don't undo that side of yourself, just take a long logical and rational look at it.

You seem like a man of decent means, why not just spend the cash and time to salvage the relationship safely if it's worth it? We can't tell what's going on online, just that you're pretty desperate, in a bad situation, and in danger of making some unwise choices. I'm not saying to question your entire mode of existence, just to balance your tendencies to nurture and help with your own safety and well-being.

Oh yeah, your girlfriend's mom, who thinks this is "no big deal?" She's the one who taught your GF to be who she is today, through example...this kinda stuff runs in families.

Good luck.

 

[rainbowbob]

I talked to two police officers today. No chance of restraining order unless I have some hard evidence like an audio recording.

Don't take their word for it. No knock on LEOs, but you need to talk to a domestic violence attorney. I have seen no-contact orders issued soley on the basis of the significant other's accusation of threats isssued by the offending party.

 

[pete f]

First of all, even if his name is on the paperwork, unless he is a current resident he has ZERO reason to be in that house alone. He committed breaking and entering, have him arrested.

Talk to your GF, explain it in simple small words, If she loves you, she will have him arrested, charged and prosecuted. If she does not agree, then she does not love you enough. Say thanks, pack your things, and leave NOW.

If she agrees, get thee to the cops and swear out a complaint. Talk to the prosecutor, particularly if they have a "women's violence dept" or the like and get them involved. They know all the tricks and can be nastier than you ever thought in slamming doors on these types of punks.

Get defensive training, get a gun in your bedroom and alarm, preferably a 4 legged one, and make sure she understands that wavering on the issue means you are GONE.

If you have funds, consider just abandoning the house until the deal is done, and get away. Find an apartment with a secure parking area and live there until its done. You might find the county has money to help you do this. Ask the local PD if they have a home security officer or someone who can help you make your place more resistant to him. locks, dead bolts, deadmen, window blocks. etc.

Finally if this all happens and he continues, set your mind straight that pretty quick he's gonna show up and its going to be you or him leaving alive. Get your head around that, because in a lot of these types of situations, thats the only permanent solution. If you have any weakness in thinking about it, leave.

 

[Oleg Volk]

Giving the perp legal problems should make her dealings with him easier. He'd be too busy staying afloat to pester her in small way and can always be physically stopped if he attacks in a major way.

 

[jlbraun]

(removed)

 

[wheelgunslinger]

suggest you edit Jlbraun.

 

[das028]

Two words

Brazilian Jiu-jitsu

 

[lee n. field]

Getting the police involved is something she wants to avoid until the paperwork is finalized due to possible legal battles

He's threatened her. He's threatened you. Get the police involved. At the very least, it starts a paper trail.

 

[ilbob]

Getting the police involved is something she wants to avoid until the paperwork is finalized due to possible legal battles

What is she really saying?

IMO, she doesn't want to taint her relationship with this guy to the point he would not take her back.

 

[MagnumDweeb]

I've been here myself to one degree, the current girlfriend at the time had a whackjob boyfriend stalking her and it didn't help she refused to change the locks (odd explanations about the apartment charging her a fee). The girl was a candy A$# all the way through it. And I got dragged along because I'm a fool for a damsel in distress. Cops wouldn't let me do anything as the guy was not threatening me directly or at least I didn't have any evidence other than her word. The guy was real surprised when I showed up at his door with a half-dozen of my kin (friends I've had since middle school and such) at two in the morning and wanted to have a nice chat with him. Even that didn't help, it didn't help when I showed up at his work to say high to him, it didn't work that he knew I didn't particularly care for his continued capacity to breathe and that I CCWed.

It all comes down to the girl, at least for my situation, if he's leaving voicemails and threatening you in them, call the cops for the love of god. Yeah me might just be some sadist with issues and he might just transform into some whacko who kills you and your GF one night when you go out to dinner. Will there be legal complications with the house, possibly, could all of this spiral out of control and someone get hury, also possibly. Life as mine has turned out is not one of having faith in the goodness of people, they act like mad dogs, you deal with them like they are mad dogs so long as it is lawful. Cops, especially, in anti- area will jump on a complaint because it opens them up to possible legal claims if they don't, again you have to file that complaint and it helps to have all the evidence you got with you when you.

My situation ended up at three in the morning explaining to an officer why the ex-BF was having to be taken to the hospital after he surprised me during the middle of the night with a knife (crawled in through an open window while we were otherwise distracted) and I had to gouge out his right eye with my thumb after he left a nice scar on my left shoulder that I was fortunately able to cauterise on the oven with a steak knife. The guy gets out in a little over a year.

The best thing you can do is first go the cops and talk to a detective, then get a lawyer and have him send a letter to the cops letting them know you have an attorney and what you want. Then get a gun or two, get yourself and GF good and comfortable with them. Get a safe or gun box and keep one of the guns both you and GF are good with in a hidey-hole, like toilet tank for your bedroom's bathroom you can easily retreat to with the gun in a completely sealed plasitc bag. When you are home just keep both guns on yourselves.

This is when you need to decide if you are a victim or a man.

 

[revjen45]

If she will go out on him with you, she will go out on you with someone else.
This sounds like a crock of kimchee you should not partake of. The previous posts that she is using you for a bodyguard and would go her merry way while you rot in a cell really don't sound too preposterous. There are plenty of fine ladies in the world who don't come with such dangerous baggage.

 

[buzz_knox]

If she will go out on him with you, she will go out on you with someone else.

According to the other thread, the psycho dumped her, and wacki met her 3 months later.

 

[george29]

There are plenty of fine ladies in the world who don't come with such dangerous baggage.

Exactamundo.

 

[rs25.com]

Not sure if this was answered, but at one point Radio Shack sold a nifty little box that plugged in between your cellphone headset jack and headset, with a line to a recorder. You can buy a Sony digital recorder for $40 that records 40+ hours or so. Plug it in, record, and transfer to your computer.

Easy.

Personally, I would send him a link to www.askmen.com/dating/doclove. Yes, really. With any luck, it'll teach him a lesson on why he's getting dumped - it's because he's (obviously) immature and lacks any form of self control, which repels women like nothing else.

 

[conw]

- it's because he's (obviously) immature and lacks any form of self control, which repels women like nothing else.

You'd think (or maybe even hope), but things aren't always as they seem.

From the clues I see here, I'm thinking this situation is more nuanced than we can guess, and it's hard to figure out why their relationship ended.

 

[Zoogster]

it's because he's (obviously) immature and lacks any form of self control, which repels women like nothing else.

Actualy that is often very untrue. There is a large number of women attracted to "bad boys" who often lack self control. In fact quick to be violent against those who offend them is often a trait of such bad boys.
People that hold extreme grudges and get revenge on those that they feel did something wrong. Traits such women can think is attractive or sexy until it turns on them.

Then those women one day realize all those horrible things they did to people that upset them might not be so attractive after all because they are suddenly the one upsetting them.

They also realize those same tough guys often have spent a lot of time in trouble with the law, and are not so detered by it anymore.


Similar problems can happen in reverse. There is a number of guys that think some woman with a bad girl attitude is attractive. You see the same thing in movies and on TV marketed as a form of sex appeal. They then are surprised when that same attitude causes them a lot of relationship drama and problems later in real life.


Back to to the topic at hand. She can either takes steps mentioned by many here if she feels her safety requires it, cutting off all contact and getting a restraining order, or she can try and get some of the property.
She was not married to him though and in all honesty is not entitled to any of the man's property, especialy the equity of a home, often the most valuable property a person owns.

If she does get a restraining order the man would be within his rights to have the Sheriff serve her with an eviction notice. I don't know the eviction laws of your state, but she won't be getting a dime from a home that does not belong to her in that case, and will need a new place to live in short order.

Further restraining orders often work both ways, and lose all merit if she breaks them. That means she will need to communicate with him through a third party and contact his lawyer as well.
Most lawyers will also advise anyone with a restraining order filed against them to also file one. I have seen civil cases between others where that was pretty much standard and both entire families had restraining orders against another entire family and would renew various temporary ones constantly for years at a time (until the other side finaly lost after both had spent six digit sums in court over a couple years.)

I think it would be pretty foolish for anyone with a restraining order filed against them to allow the person it protects to live on thier property. Would be kinda hard to be a landlord or inspect your legal property if you can't go near them or thier residence. If a renter filed a restraining order against me an eviction notice would immediately be delivered by a third party such as the Sheriff. Anything else would be foolish. Be hard to collect rent, inspect property or do all the jobs, some even state required that a landlord must do. That is just basic logic, regardless of any other facts, past relationship of some sort or not. It would be foolish involving any renter to let them stay.
So if the guy has half a brain I would expect the same from him, nevermind that he is a former lover with even more emotional reasons to be vindictive.

 

[Daps]

Zoog she owns half the home, she's on the note, he cant kick her out thats my understanding so yes she is entitled to equity in the house

 

[rainbowbob]

She was not married to him though and in all honesty is not entitled to any of the man's property, especialy the equity of a home, often the most valuable property a person owns.

If she does get a restraining order the man would be within his rights to have the Sheriff serve her with an eviction notice. I don't know the eviction laws of your state, but she won't be getting a dime from a home that does not belong to her in that case, and will need a new place to live in short order.

Zoogster: If you go back and read the original post, you will note that "...they bought the house together..." In addition, it sounds like the GF may have been making most of the mortgage payments. In other words, she is probably entitled to at least a 50% share of the equity. This depends on the specific terms of the purchase agreement, mortgage, etc - but such an arrangement is not unusual these days.

 

[Robert Hairless]

Wacki:

I'm also going to talk go to a professional therapist as conwict and others are making me wonder about my own decision making. I generally am very nurturing and protective and so they may be right. I also don't give up on people easily. It will be extremely tough for me to give up on someone that treats me as well as she does. Not sure what to think here.

Good thing to do. One reason why it's a good thing to do is that the therapist might be able to help you avoid making decisions that might be mostly responses to external pressures--including pressures from us, of course--and help you get insights into what's really happening in and around you.

You've been reaching out and people here have been responsive. But nobody here knows you or anything more about your situation than can fit into these brief messages. Now it's time to get a closer, more professionally qualified sounding board than us, and you recognize that. It's a healthy step. Go to it and thrive.

 

[theken206]

"Two words

Brazilian Jiu-jitsu"

not sure how a gogoplata is going to help things out here "my frien"

 

[wacki]

re conwict:

Didn't you say you had voice mail messages saved? Whether you do or not, a "hole card" might be to leave a voice mail message for him that, while not overly provocative, might lead HIM to lead a ranting, raving display of vulgarity on your GF's voice mail. Use with care.

In all honesty this seems like it would be SUPER easy to do. Heck I would be shocked if he doesn't lose his temper if I simply call him up (for the first time) and thank him for "not taking this to court and financially ruining my girlfriend".

As I mentioned, I don't think there is a "black and white" to codependency...there are always positive traits, and usually as you said the types of people who get into this situation "mean well." Don't undo that side of yourself, just take a long logical and rational look at it.

After reading some of the comments in this thread... heh it's not easy to not be paranoid about my gf's intentions even with things I KNOW to be false.

You seem like a man of decent means, why not just spend the cash and time to salvage the relationship safely if it's worth it?

Outside of paying for the entire house in cash, there's not much more money can do to remedy the situation that isn't already being done.

Oh yeah, your girlfriend's mom, who thinks this is "no big deal?" She's the one who taught your GF to be who she is today, through example...this kinda stuff runs in families.

Good luck.

I agree.

 

[rainbowbob]

In all honesty this seems like it would be SUPER easy to do. Heck I would be shocked if he doesn't lose his temper if I simply call him up (for the first time) and thank him for "not taking this to court and financially ruining my girlfriend".

Wacki:
I'm confused about what part of "no-contact" you don't understand. The part where you get a no-contact order...or the part where you and your GF don't contact him?

 

[theken206]

lol^

 

[wacki]

Wacki:
I'm confused about what part of "no-contact" you don't understand. The part where you get a no-contact order...or the part where you and your GF don't contact him?

Rainbow bob,

I have never and I'm extremely unlikely to voluntarily communicate with him. I'm simply saying I believe it would be very easy for me to make him explode by following conwicts advice. An explosion which the cops are telling me is required for a restraining order. Their words were "without a recording everyone would have a restraining order on them".

As for the girlfriend well she still has legal matters to clear up. He's in Puerto Rico and will need to sign the closing papers when they arrive. That requires coordination. There will have to be some contact between those two. She understands it has to be minimized.

 

[Travis Lee]

If the OP has taken any real measures to protect himself, or the girlfriend has, I missed it. Not saving phone messages? Not getting a restraining order? Not getting a lawyer to help shake the psycho boyfriend out?

There is enough drama in a sane person's life without buying into the drama of someone who is drama-addicted.

I don't think this kind of situation goes on like this without the "victim" egging it on. I really don't think she WANTS this to end. The mom's response tells me all I would need to know to make a judgement.

I see a whole LOT of opportunity to wind up with a smoking gun, a corpse on the floor, no legal history whatsoever to substantiate your side of things, and a so-called girlfriend crying over the ex and testifying against you in court.

And then the "damsel" hits the bar looking for a manly rescuing shoulder to cry on. Awww, how sweet.

Ain't no "HOTNESS" worth that, to me.

I'd run for it, changing my address and phone to boot.

From the description so far, I'd be betting that the girlfriend won't be able to swing financing to buy out the ex's interest in the house.... where could she get it? Where, where, where?

Good luck escaping when you REALLY got skin in this game.