Confrontation / where'd I go wrong?
- Thread starter grue
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Blackbeard
Member
I think the best way to handle it would have been to have a calm, rational talk with him the next day. It sounds like your anger fuelled his attitude. Something like, "Hey man. I heard you come home last night around X:00 PM. I don't want to impose on you, but if you could keep the music down after Y:00 PM, I'd appreciate it. My wife's pregnant and a light sleeper and it woke her up."
If he still comes off with an attitude, just call the cops next time he does it. If that doesn't work, wait until he's having a party, get the biggest speakers you can and point them at his house. Crank your stereo up to the max and put on your best Slim Whitman album, then go on vacation for the weekend. He'll get the message.
If he still comes off with an attitude, just call the cops next time he does it. If that doesn't work, wait until he's having a party, get the biggest speakers you can and point them at his house. Crank your stereo up to the max and put on your best Slim Whitman album, then go on vacation for the weekend. He'll get the message.
308win
Member
File a report. The police will visit him (at least they would here to let him know that a report had been filed). He undoubtedly will posture as he sounds like a gas bag who puffs up and deflates at will. Let him know that you aren't in this for the entertainment value and if he has a modicum of sense (a big assumption) he will let it go. If he doesn't you will still have the advantage of choosing the form of the escalation.
poor_richard
Member
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- Nov 12, 2006
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- 466
I’ve got a few ideas.
One:
Now that there is already an incident between you and your neighbor on this, make sure to file a report with the police so that if anything else comes up between you two there will be a paper trail showing that you were the reasonable one.
Two:
Why not just call the police and ask them how they would like you to handle it. See what they say since I’m sure they wouldn’t want you “taking the law into your own hands”.
Three:
Would you have handled it the same way if said neighbor was a member of a street/drug gang that is notorious for ultra-violence? See #2.
Based on your description of the scenario it sounds like you were intentionally being confrontational with a little desire to intimidate.
I live in an area that has problems with drug dealers. Fortunately there is something of a neighborhood association. At the first meeting I went to, the neighborhood captain (we have an individual officer assigned to our neighborhood) told us that things like loud music, leaving trash on the curb, cars parked halfway on the curb, etc… were just some of the little things that precipitate bigger problems coming to the neighborhood. He told us that when people see (or hear) that the neighbors don’t care and let such things go unabated, then the bad element see it as a sign that they can operate in that area. He also warned us to not confront the individuals but instead call the dispatch and have them handle it. He was very adamant that people not place themselves in danger by getting too overtly involved. I’ve been here eight years now, and I’ve seen his theory at work. These seemingly minor things are often used to “test the waters”, and if such individuals see leniency in those areas then they test to see what else they can get away with. They are also used to intimidate neighbors and landlords into turning a blind eye.
Ask yourself this:
Do you really want to deal with this when the police are paid by you to deal with it?
One:
Now that there is already an incident between you and your neighbor on this, make sure to file a report with the police so that if anything else comes up between you two there will be a paper trail showing that you were the reasonable one.
Two:
Why not just call the police and ask them how they would like you to handle it. See what they say since I’m sure they wouldn’t want you “taking the law into your own hands”.
Three:
Would you have handled it the same way if said neighbor was a member of a street/drug gang that is notorious for ultra-violence? See #2.
Based on your description of the scenario it sounds like you were intentionally being confrontational with a little desire to intimidate.
I live in an area that has problems with drug dealers. Fortunately there is something of a neighborhood association. At the first meeting I went to, the neighborhood captain (we have an individual officer assigned to our neighborhood) told us that things like loud music, leaving trash on the curb, cars parked halfway on the curb, etc… were just some of the little things that precipitate bigger problems coming to the neighborhood. He told us that when people see (or hear) that the neighbors don’t care and let such things go unabated, then the bad element see it as a sign that they can operate in that area. He also warned us to not confront the individuals but instead call the dispatch and have them handle it. He was very adamant that people not place themselves in danger by getting too overtly involved. I’ve been here eight years now, and I’ve seen his theory at work. These seemingly minor things are often used to “test the waters”, and if such individuals see leniency in those areas then they test to see what else they can get away with. They are also used to intimidate neighbors and landlords into turning a blind eye.
Ask yourself this:
Do you really want to deal with this when the police are paid by you to deal with it?
In all due respect, both participants failed to take THR. Two wrongs do not one right make.
You have to live beside the gentleman, and while we can all have bad days, seek to keep matters on the lowest level of conflict. While his music was too loud, it sounds like you snapped first. He snapped second and a urinating match began.
Since you snapped first, buy him a cigar, walk it over and make right. Something along the lines of "You know, just because I felt the music was too loud didn't give me the right to disrespect you. I don't have any olive branch that I can offer, but I have a cigar to offer. No hard fellings?"
Now, if that doesn't work, the man is a serious jerk. You know, maybe you shouldn't do that. What if the guy REALLY likes cigars? He might urinate you off weekly to get a consistent supply of peace offerings. You better make that a cheap cigar...no Cohiba or Macanudo.
In closing, if the cigar doesn't work, wrap it up and send it to me.
You have to live beside the gentleman, and while we can all have bad days, seek to keep matters on the lowest level of conflict. While his music was too loud, it sounds like you snapped first. He snapped second and a urinating match began.
Since you snapped first, buy him a cigar, walk it over and make right. Something along the lines of "You know, just because I felt the music was too loud didn't give me the right to disrespect you. I don't have any olive branch that I can offer, but I have a cigar to offer. No hard fellings?"
Now, if that doesn't work, the man is a serious jerk. You know, maybe you shouldn't do that. What if the guy REALLY likes cigars? He might urinate you off weekly to get a consistent supply of peace offerings. You better make that a cheap cigar...no Cohiba or Macanudo.
In closing, if the cigar doesn't work, wrap it up and send it to me.
Kimber1911_06238
Member
instead of being glad you talked to him first instead of calling the police he gave you grief. That's not cool. Maybe you can talk to him next time you see him, when you are both in a better frame of mind for a reasonable conversation. Explain that you might have come off a little harsh but that you were just trying to resolve the situation without calling the police
ssfeldjager
Member
Neighbors will understand and appreciate Mr. Policeman and his line of reasoning and "Thou Shalt Not..." more than they will your front yard diplomacy attempts.
Sorry to hear about your delimma.
What you've got on your hands now is an immature grown man with a bit of a control issue and a lack of golden rule knowledge. This guy lives next to you, and in his head this is the biggest competition of his life and he Must beat you in order to feel secure in the end of this whole thing.
If it were me, at this point in time, I would be thinking through what's going on in his head...ask yourself "why is he like this?" You need to realize that this is the same kind of irrational immaturity and insecurity that leads to many violent crimes. Option 1, show up at his door...tell him you are sorry that you offended him last night. Tell him that you were upset at the time because you wanted your sleep. These things are all true, unless you actually did mean to offend him, in which case you should stop reading this and go ahead and start the imminent redneck fistfight in your driveway. By doing this, you're telling allowing him to make the decision that you're not such a bad guy and he has no quarrel with you and in his mind you aren't someone he has to prove wrong. If you can say something like "You were absolutely right about it being a free country." Same method that you use when you've got to dump an insecure girl, lead her to the decision to cut it off so you don't have to worry about getting phone calls for a month or her showing up at your door or questioning 'what's wrong with me?'
option 2, as I stated before, is to maintain your pride and "win" this argument. Call the police, pray, whatever you need to do to win...go to a higher power. I guarantee this option will invoke some anger in your neighbor, and you will butt heads until one of you moves. It's just a big game, just like road rage.
Or you could just take my advice with a grain of salt, but I'm about the closest thing you'll find to your jerkwad neighbor who holds a double standard to the golden rule. I've been in the same situation before, except they did call the police and I turned my stereo down, then I took the low road until they eventually moved, then I felt kinda lousy at first, but now I just tell myself that it was just a game and they moved because they wanted to. It's not like they told me it was my fault htey moved or anything.
What you've got on your hands now is an immature grown man with a bit of a control issue and a lack of golden rule knowledge. This guy lives next to you, and in his head this is the biggest competition of his life and he Must beat you in order to feel secure in the end of this whole thing.
If it were me, at this point in time, I would be thinking through what's going on in his head...ask yourself "why is he like this?" You need to realize that this is the same kind of irrational immaturity and insecurity that leads to many violent crimes. Option 1, show up at his door...tell him you are sorry that you offended him last night. Tell him that you were upset at the time because you wanted your sleep. These things are all true, unless you actually did mean to offend him, in which case you should stop reading this and go ahead and start the imminent redneck fistfight in your driveway. By doing this, you're telling allowing him to make the decision that you're not such a bad guy and he has no quarrel with you and in his mind you aren't someone he has to prove wrong. If you can say something like "You were absolutely right about it being a free country." Same method that you use when you've got to dump an insecure girl, lead her to the decision to cut it off so you don't have to worry about getting phone calls for a month or her showing up at your door or questioning 'what's wrong with me?'
option 2, as I stated before, is to maintain your pride and "win" this argument. Call the police, pray, whatever you need to do to win...go to a higher power. I guarantee this option will invoke some anger in your neighbor, and you will butt heads until one of you moves. It's just a big game, just like road rage.
Or you could just take my advice with a grain of salt, but I'm about the closest thing you'll find to your jerkwad neighbor who holds a double standard to the golden rule. I've been in the same situation before, except they did call the police and I turned my stereo down, then I took the low road until they eventually moved, then I felt kinda lousy at first, but now I just tell myself that it was just a game and they moved because they wanted to. It's not like they told me it was my fault htey moved or anything.
At this point its personal- its not about the music or being a good neighbor anymore, he is battling you for power in a zero sum game.
Your neighbor doesn't sound like a reasonable or moral person. I think if you apologize or try to be nice- you'll look weak and he'll mess with you worse just to get satisfaction.
* I would try to avoid him to de-escalate things, but if he pulls in the driveay blasting his stereo again- call the cops. Sure, it might not feel as "tough" as running out there with a pistol in your belt and yelling at him, but it would probably have better results.
Your neighbor doesn't sound like a reasonable or moral person. I think if you apologize or try to be nice- you'll look weak and he'll mess with you worse just to get satisfaction.
* I would try to avoid him to de-escalate things, but if he pulls in the driveay blasting his stereo again- call the cops. Sure, it might not feel as "tough" as running out there with a pistol in your belt and yelling at him, but it would probably have better results.
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