Is my mother insane, or is it me...?

[W Turner]

Wow, I would love to read your brother's resume...lol

Seriously, first of all thank you for everything that you do. I recently (10 months ago) became a parent and it has changed my outlook on a lot of things, including my job (I work in a residential treaetment program for juvenile sex offenders and kids with other severe behavioral/mental health diagnoses). I also appreciate the work of people much more than I used to. I know I couldn't do it.

As far as your mom goes, I went through a period of severe depression (crying spells, bad choices relating to my job, sleeping all the time, depressed affect) about 2.5 years ago and my wife sat down with me about halfway thru it and asked me point blank if all the guns needed to be moved somewhere else for a while. I told her that wasn't necessary, but I also noticed that after that conversation, she was much more conscious of where they were at all times. I understood and appreciated the concern, but then she told my mother about our conversation and the calls were twice daily to check on me form her and my grandmother. I finally just quit answering the phone all together until I pulled my self out of it.

Also, I respect the fact that you made the decision to seek some couch time. If I had done that early on, my period of depression wouldn't have lasted near as long.

W

 

[Firethorn]

BigG- what's with this talk about not listening to your mothers?

Shame on you! Sheesh. Of course, my mom owns more handguns than I do. More than dad for that matter. We edge her out on rifles, though.

Your mother is your mother.


Okie -
As for her calling all the time, I'd almost ask your psychiatrist what he or she thinks you should do. Some of the ideas here are good.

You might want to invite her for a visit(or go visit her). Letting her see you for a while might calm her down.

 

[BigG]

Hi Firethorn: With all due respect, when my mother and dad were paying for my room and board, I was under their jurisdiction. Once I began to pay my own way, I listened to their advice and took it or not as I saw fit. I think that is a part of the maturation process. I haven't asked them to intervene in my personal affairs or contribute to my support since I left the house quite a few decades ago, even though I love and respect them. A person who cannot differentiate between a minor's obligation to obey his parents and an adult's autonomy and right to privacy has a way to go in the maturation process. JMTC YMMV, etc.

 

[armoredman]

i still get phone calls and e-mails from my mother with advice, etc. Considering I am 38, I disregard same with equal enthusiasm. Thank you very much, appreciate the time you took, I have a differant plan in mind, please have a nice day, and hope to hear from you again soon. Goodbye.

 

[fish2xs]

your duty

It is your sworn duty as a loving son to LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

It always has been. It always will be.

The worst trouble I ever got into was when I was honest with my mother. I'm 40 and thought "Hey, now that I'm married and have kids, I can be more honest with mom."

WRONG!!

Carry on Okie.

 

[RavenVT100]

Sorry to hear about the kids you lost. I have family members who work in the medical field and they go through this too. It's very saddening to hear about what they have to go through at work, and the effect it has on their well being.

 

[spacemanspiff]

tell her your numbers changed. she can call up my retardo roommate and talk to him.

 

[mainmech48]

Okie, I can relate and am glad that you had both the recourse to professional help and the good sense to avail yourself of it.

My first vocation when I got back to "The World" and out of the service was as an "Inhalation Therapist" (now known as "Respiratory") in a large regional hospital in SW Missouri. We were the only Cystic Fibrosis center within a hundred miles, so many of my patients were children with this affliction.

After my experiences in SEA, I had hoped to 'balance my karma' by devoting my efforts to healing. I thought that I could stand pretty much anything after what I'd already seen and done. I was wrong.

All of our CF patients were children, most under the age of ten. We saw a lot of most of them, the frequency and duration of their stays increasing as the disease progressed. It wasn't unusual for us to have more than one child from the same family at the same time.

Five years of watching these children waste away, knowing that I was essentially powerless save them, that the very best that I could offer them was a temporary reprieve from the current crisis - no matter how hard we both fought- was more than I could take.

How could anyone remain "detached" from a child in one's care? And how does one remain aloof from the anguish and grief of a family you've come to know? It takes something that I don't have, and was foolish to think that I could develop.

Perhaps if there had been some way to deal with my feelings of guilt and rage at my "failure" to save these kids besides holding it all inside me until it damned near killed me, things would've been different. But it wasn't, and it did.

You have my utmost respect for continuing to fight the good fight that I could not.

Asking for help to deal with overwhelming things doesn't mean you're crazy; it means that you aren't.

 

[CleverName]

My hat's off to ALL of you in the medical profession.

Mom's just being a mom. I don't think moms ever remember you as more than about 8 years old.

 

[P95Carry]

Okie - great work you do and - you have my salutations.

Trouble is re Moms ... son's wish for special dispensation to never feel worried about. Mom's however have an inbuilt special dispensation TO worry. These two extremes rarely balance out!!

One thing for sure as I am certain you know - she loves you to bits. My dear Mom is now gone two years and looking back I can remember all the times she expressed concern - sometimes justified.!! I did tho always try and ask her to substitute worry for simple concern, explaining that concern is less stressful - and save the worry for real crises!!!

See if your Mom can try that one a bit! Oh and - cherish her too while she is still here - one day she will be gone and you'll even miss the constant worrying!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just thought - to keep this gun oriented and keep her busy - make sure she has at least one if not two C&R's to clean and polish - keep her busy! LOL.

 

[benEzra]

Okiecruffler,

You sound like you are handling it as well as anyone would under the circumstances. I think your mother is being quite unreasonable. I wonder how she would feel if you pressured her to give up her car if she had had some bad things happen, since it could be argued that she might drive her car off a cliff or something...of course I'm sure she wouldn't, but that's the point...

I want to second dk-corriveau's thanks for what you do--I take it you are a doctor or critical care nurse? My 6 year-old son is also a cardiac kid (tetralogy of Fallot w/complete pulmonary atresia, truncus arteriosus type 4, or PA-VSD Class 3, whichever way you want to describe it, secondary to a 22q11.2 genetic deletion). Our son has been helped by SO many wonderful people in the health care system, and I know it has to be a tough job.

dk-corriveau--I know what you mean about needing to focus on something else from time to time.

 

[JohnKSa]

Tell her you've been getting too many phone calls lately and it makes you feel suicidal.

 

[1911 guy]

Imho

If you were not affected by the deaths, I would worry
Bingo. The fact that you are thinking about and processing all these thoughts and emotions tells me you're straight. If you "had all the answers" I'd say you were a basket case. My condolences for your losses and best wishes for your emotional recovery.

 

[38SnubFan]

Just a question, could your Mom be projecting her own feelings of depression and suicidal ideation?

With my parents - YES! Both have suffered from severe depression and both have had suicide attempts (1 for mother, too-many-to-count-on-fingers-of-both-hands for father ).

My father, before the depression and anger, used to carry a 1911 in a shoulder-holster (always wore a sportcoat at work), and for home-defense/kicks, a S&W 629 Classic .44 mag.

My mother has always hated guns, for one simple reason: As a kid (this would be th 1960's), she got struck in the head, knocked unconscious, and wound up with a concussion from the neighbor kid's TOY GUN!

Either way, they're now the most anti-gun, far-left liberals I've ever known! God love them, but I don't talk about politics, 2A, abortion, or anything else for that we have differing viewpoints on anymore.

All that said, I still love my mother and father to death and would do anything for them. Mom used to call and worry about me all the time. She keeps it down to once a week or so these days.

I would worry if she didn't call me. If she told my girfriend to move my guns, however, there would be words, and not necessarily the polite, "I love you mom, but...." variety either. (In my family, that's about the only way to get your point across and not get "stepped on".)

OK - end of rant. Okie, thank you for your dedication to what you do. If it wasn't for your type who are willing to put themselves through such emotional and mental anguish to make a child's day (or their familes day, for that matter) a little brighter, there would be a lot more sadness in this world then there already is.

Actually, thanks to all the medical profession. I suffered a congenital heart defect at birth as well (2 extra vessels coming from the heart to the lower lobe of the right lung, causing breathing problems and my heart rate to skyrocket). I spent the first 4-6 weeks of my life in a NICU, not expected to survive past 7 weeks old. 28+ years later, with many thanks to some great doctors, nurses, and hospital staff, I'm still being the ornery, prodigal cuss my parents are proud to call "son".

I wouldn't worry about your mom too much. Sounds like even though she's being a royal pain in the arse (like mine sometimes), she's simply concerned, albeit too much in your business. Here's an idea: get your mother to meet my mother, worry about each other, and call each other hysterically several times a day, one friend consistently and constantly worrying about the other. LOL. Now that would keep them busy, AND out of our hair! LMAO!

-38SnubFan

 

[IZinterrogator]

Reminds me of phone calls to my mom while I was in Iraq.

Mom: "You haven't left the base, have you?"
Me: "No, mom, I haven't left the airport and I am really feeling stir crazy because I haven't seen anything new in months."
Mom: "Well, good, you don't need to be going out and subjecting yourself to that kind of danger."
Me: "I guess you're right. Well, I gotta go." *Hangs up phone*
Boss: "So you ready for that raid tonight?"
Me: "I've been ready to go since the last one. Do I get a helicopter ride this time?"
Boss: "You get a Black Hawk ride to Camp Ironhorse, the raid into Sadr City will be by Humvee, you'll exfiltrate by Bradley with the detainees, then you will bring the detainees back here by helicopter."
Me: "Sounds like a plan. I'll go get my bag and head to the helipad."

 

[Okiecruffler]

I love my job, it's how I define myself. For everything it takes, it gives back 10-fold. About lost another yesterday, but thanks to a magician of a surgeon and one top notch team of nurses, looks like he might just see his 4th birthday and hopefully many more to come. It's a bad time of year, drowning season, schools out so auto vs peds cases are coming in hot and heavy, and we've been doing at least 2 heart surgeries a day. Good for the overtime checks, but it wears you down abit.
Ben, Tet's are some of the most complex patients I ever get. I've never had 2 alike and they have a nsty habit of throwing you curve balls. Sounds like you've got a good surgeon on the case. My best to you.
On a happy note, the parents of one of the girls I lost, one of the most beautiful children you'd ever see, agreed to donate organs. Now there are 4 children out there with a better shot at life thanks to them. There is no greater gift.

 

[p35]

You're a fellow Buddhist, right? Remember the parable of the mustard seed? I'm sure it doesn't make you feel much better when you lose a child, but try to remember that nothing's permanent.

 

[Curare]

Pt. losses can throw you over the edge

When I became a doctor one of the first obstacles I had to get over is that we sometimes hurt patients, despite our best intentions. It was sickening the first time it happened to me.

Then there are the patients we do everything right for, and they pass away.

This reminds me of a 105 year old female with pneumonia. Sharp as a tack and as cute as a button. She had improved so well in the hospital and we sent her home. She came back a week later clinging to life. We gave her everything we had but she didn't turn the corner. I had her transferred to our Palliative wing and she held on for 3 days, surrounded by her great family, unconscious, with agonal respirations. I often wondered if she would have made it if I kept her on antibiotics one more day. She lived a good life and died with her family at her side, sweet as could be, long after her eyes closed for the last time.

A week later, I had an alcoholic patient with liver cancer. His belly swelled with fluid requiring weekly drainage. He was completely delirious with high ammonia levels. The cancer was inoperable. We finally convinced the family that hospice was the best option--he could spend his final days at home, surrounded by his family. Some of the family members were so resistant, but the cool heads pervailed. That was the most difficult family meeting I've ever led, and I had just worked 30 hours. My wife and I went to a movie when I got home. Million Dollar Baby--bad choice.

 

[Okiecruffler]

Hindsight and second guessing will kill you

I always get caught in the trap of thinking "What if I had caught on to the downtrend sooner? Checked a gas or lab an hour earlier?" Truth boils down to 99% of the time it's just one of those things that's meant to be.

And you're right, when I'm wrapping a child in a plastic shroud, the mustard seed don't mean much and I can feel what the mother felt. I'd be willing to go door to door myself if I thought it would help.

 

[pete f]

get caller ID

 

[Preacherman]

Okie, I'll second Chris's remark about cherishing your Mom while you've still got her, even if she does irritate you sometimes. You'll always be, to her, the baby whose diapers she changed! My mother died last Friday, after many years of illness, and even though we hadn't been able to speak (or she to recognize me) for six months, it's still hard to know she's not going to call again, wanting to know if I've changed my socks recently.

 

[33-805]

Mom stuff can be difficult. I don't speak to mine very often. It's not anything deliberate, we're just all busy. She also knows to stay out of anything personal since I moved out from under her roof. I return this favor. It's an arrangement that really facilitates our getting along. Best of luck with mom and thanks for the work you do. It's got to be tough.

 

[JoeRapture]

Be glad

I know it's a pain, but be glad Mom is still around. I miss my mother's incessant worrying!

 

[Chrontius]

Sounds like a mom doing the mom thing. God bless you for the work you do, and your heartfelt efforts. Grief that comes with the territory, the loving and losing, no less painful or affective on your life. Just a thought, maybe to reassure mom by telling her you will call her when you have a moment daily or every other day, for awhile just to touch base with her.

No offense, but moms doing the mom thing can turn you into a nervous wreck.

No firearms
No motorcycles
No tattoos
No extreme sports

Or else.

Knowing my mother, she'd stop short of 'no help with tuition' but I still worry about what she'd come up with.

 

[John Ross]

You might tell her that when you're depressed, your wish is not to kill yourself, but to feel better again. Going shooting is one of the things that does that for you.

I know she has two X chromosomes, so logic may not work, but it's worth a try.

JR