Problem with my wife...

[dk-corriveau]

Balletto,

This is a tough situation. My wife is not anti-gun, but she wants nothing to do with them all together. When I brought the first gun, an M1 Garand , into the house, she was clearly uncomfortable. This is something that I understand; she came from a liberal family where guns were very taboo. That being said she has come around.

First and foremost, she sees how much I enjoy my shooting, both on a physical level (going to the range and shooting) but also on an intellectual level (I’m always reading gun stuff and learning about gun/ammo design). Knowing how much I enjoy my sport, she has come around to support all of my gun habits/purchases/activities.

Furthermore, she has come to agree with my thinking on self-defense and the RKBA. That being said, I have not been able to get her out to the range to learn how to use on yet, but I am still working on it. I figure once I get my son shooting (he’s only 15 months old) that will be the time to get her involved too.

In fact, she will go the occasional gun show with me and at one recently I showed her a Springer XD-9 and when she saw the $450 price tag, she said, “You want one, that is about half the cost of your other guns.” I should have snapped it up, but I was just window shopping.

I general approach would be to continue your research into the shooting sports and expand it slowly until she comes around to the idea that this isn’t some type of snap decision. Here is I did:

1. Get some shooting friends and shoot with them as often as possible. Perhaps seeing the enjoyment the sport gives you she will some around. Bring home your target to show her how good/poorly you shot and how you are improving.

2. Join the NRA. This may put her over the top, but it will demonstrate your support of your rights and will allow you to get American Rifleman once a month. Having reading material around may reinforce your commitment to shooting.

3. Go to gun shows. I know that this will be tough if your wife isn’t ready to let you bring something home, but you will enjoy yourself and she will get the idea that you are continuing your interest in this sport.

Regardless, this is a very touchy situation and you should take as much time as is necessary. I had been with my wife probably 7 years before I brought the M1 home and it took about 6 months of working on her before I thought she was comfortable enough with it for me to pull the trigger. It was quickly followed with my childhood .22 that I picked up form my parents. In the past two years, I have added three handguns to the home and I carry daily. Hopefully she will come around with a little guidance and understanding. It sounds like you are very respectful of her viewpoints and concerns and that makes me think that this can be done, it just might take a while.

I will warn you though, like tattoos, guns are addicting and you should be comfortable with buying multiple before you buy the first, because there is no turning back. My wife jokes about my obsession, but is happy that it makes me happy. Hopefully your wife will find that place as well.

 

[silverbird]

We all hopped on this particular merry-go-round a few weeks ago with another guy having the same problem with his girlfriend.

Who would that be? LOL

These guys have a lot of good opinions, but if your wife is anything like my girl, you are in for a bumpy ride.

I just bought the damn gun. Happy I did too. Then I went out and bought a rifle. I shoot about every other week or so, and have a great time doing so. Get the gun if you feel you need it. If you all like each other enough, it will work out (after a few longgggg, uncomfortable arguments that go nowhere). Eventually things will settle down to normal, tensions will ease, and she will become indifferent. Just be respectful and try to keep it out of her sight, make sure she knows where it is so she doesn't accidently stumble into it (unless there's a high risk of her taking it and selling it), and try to keep a low profile when going shooting.

I was in the same boat, more or less when I started getting into this a couple of years ago. I decided on a year long plan which would get me from "No guns in the house, don't own one" to having a gun safe with rifles and handguns. This plan started more or less when I joined THR, so fall of 2003.

I fully understand the desire for domestic harmony, which is why I ignored the "buy a gun, ride out the storm" advice. It will work, but the payment is pretty high. I'm also fairly sure that a lot of people here haven't found the right woman who is just the best except in this one case. Putting your foot down and just buying a gun to a hoplophobe is something they are going to resent for a long long time. I'm a very patient guy, so I decided to trade time for peace and certainty, and most importantly, understanding.

The steps were, basically, I got involved in shooting a lot with my Dad, went out shooting every other weekend, which got her used to the idea.

Then, I joined a local shooting club, using other people's guns. Eventually, It became apparent that this was not a fad, or a short lived hobby, but something I would be doing for a long time. It became apparent that it was silly for me to borrow all the time, and that I should have one of my own. She came around to this view, but still did not want one in the house. Eventually, we agreed that I could own a gun so long as it was "not kept in the house."

Fine, my first gun was a Birthday gift from my Dad. I told her that I would keep it at the club, but that it would take a while to get on the waiting list. I showed her the gun (Ruger 77/22, very innocent looking), and showed her how it would break down, barrel off, stock off, bolt out, into a few harmless peices. I told her that if it was in the house, it would be kept in this condition until I could "get room" at the club. She agreed that as long as it was locked up and totally dissassembled, it was safe. I also told her that there was no ammunition in the house. I even put a trigger lock on the dissassembled action!

Fast forward a couple months, gun was still in the garage, all broken down, except when I took it to the range. She got used to seeing all the pieces around. She got used to seeing the soft side gun case around. Eventually, in the summer, I bought a little .22 walther from my dad, took it home and dissassembled it. took a handful of barrel, spring and guide rod and told her that I had bought a SMALL pistol, asked her if I could keep these parts home while the frame was elsewhere. Opening my hand, she saw the little collection of harmelss metal, and had to admit that two tubes and a spring was pretty unthreataning.

So, she came to acccept that fact that there were guns in the house, albeit broken down and unloaded. Fall came, and her brother really wanted to go deer hunting with me, and she wanted me to spend time with him and thought it would be fun, me being a city boy and all. Just before the season started, I bought a cheap Mosin M44 and told her it was going to be my Antique hunting rifle, which it was for that year. I was very excited about it, stressing the sheer history of the piece, the 1944 production date, etc. I think I even got her to watch Enemy at the Gates and got her wondering if my rifle had seen action during that time.

The M44 does not break down much, but the bolt comes out, so I told her that the bolt would be locked up and the gun just would be in a case with a trigger lock. She got used to seeing this new gun around, saw my 4 year old son helping me clean it, etc.

At this point, she told me that she realized intellectually that these guns were completely harmless, but that she was suffering from a purely visceral reaction when seeing them, and that was something she just needed time with.

I let time pass, and coming up that winter, one day SHE told ME that we needed a gun safe to store all these guns in! I knew that her "no guns in the house" policy, which was Ironclad and Absolute the year before, was now broken, as I knew it would be eventually. All you need is the application of logic, starting slow, using baby steps to get her used to the idea of guns in general. More important than any of this though, is you need to give her TIME. It takes time for one to work through their personal demons and fears regarding guns.

Once the safe was in the house, well, I pretty much buy what I want, so long as we can afford it. Her only stipulation is that I don't keep any gun secrets from her. I agree, I don't keep any secrets from her regarding guns, but then again, she doesn't ask me a whole lot about them.

So my plan worked, from "no guns in the house", to a safe with 5 or 6 handguns and long guns in one year.

Now I'm working on getting her to accept me carrying, but my plan isn't worked out about that yet.

-James

Best plan ever, right there. I didn't have the time (or patience) to gamble with that plan though, so I went my own route.

 

[20cows]

Perhaps if I put a sword under the bed for home defense she'll think differently

It's a start. Make it a BIG, ugly, two handed jagged edged head lopper. It would make a gun look so much more.... civilized.

 

[280PLUS]

Right now, because you generally agree on most things, the boundary problem is minor, and only affects whether or not you purchase a piece of property. But if you ignore it now, it will get bigger and will become a major problem in years down the road.

+1

I think that's what I was trying to say...

 

[MAUSER88]

I guess she wears the pants in the family, huh???

 

[Chrontius]

Thats really, really wierd balletto. Her ignorance (please take no offence) must truly be deeply ingrained.

Will she even look at guns? Maybe the literature idea isnt that bad, assuming she will even read it.

I have an idea! Take her here! Let the smarter, more eloquent speakers (some of the mods) among us send their arguments.

My most effective argument was printing out a copy of Gunfacts 4.0 and inserting post-it tabs at the reply to every single argument thrown at me, with everything down the right hand side and the really important stuff along the top. This was left lying on the dining room table.

I have managed to "open a dialogue" which will involve going to the local gun range and renting a .22 this weekend.

I'm intending to find my mother a Taurus PT22 with pink grips, possibly getting it engraved as "PINK HAMMER" or something like that based on an economics discussion about a month ago (Hardware, loss leaders, and females taking charge of interior decorating... long story)

And if she gives you a hard time about it... give her a good spanking.

Art's Grammaw! Art's poor grammaw!

What sort of gun do I want to buy?
A .22 pistol to start with, hopefully a 9mm later on. A full-on AR would be cool of course, but I'm willing to start small.

Have I always wanted to own firearms?
No, this is something that I've developed over the past few years. I was somewhat anti-gun actually when we met.

We don't have kids, so that's not an issue.

I'm not about to lie to her, but her willful ignorance isn't helping the situation either.

Seriously look into pink (or bright yellow or...) furniture for that -- see Oleg's 'teaching responsibility' posters for an example. It might help dampen the inevitable gut reaction should she agree but still have reservations about it.

 

[WarMachine]

You firearm ownership has not and probably will not bring any harm upon your family. If she can't respect your hobby, I don't know what to tell you. I find it EXTREMELY difficult reason with individuals who are unwilling to be rational. They let their passion and prejudices override their better judgement, and it does nothing but makes me heated

 

[balletto]

re: who wears the pants in the family?

I'm better at making (and accepting) the difficult decisions, but she's more effective at whining until she gets her way. Or maybe I have a lesser tolerance for listening to the complaints before I give in

I'm now thinking that getting some counseling is the way to go. Having a third party mediate the issue may help meaningful conversation get started, which is our most immediate problem, as I see it. I'm pretty confident that once she actually starts listening to the facts of the matter, and the seriousness of my safety intentions are made clear, she'll come around. I hope.

Of course, the prospect of bringing someone as anti as her into the mix may do more harm then good.

 

[Lemon328i]

If it is your money that is going into buying the firearm, then it is your right to do so. I would suggest that you also purchase a gun safe to properly secure the firearm and simply do not tell her the combination number. She will always be safe from that "evil" firearm while you are not home. Go on as many out of town business trips as you can during the winter. Remind her that there is no way she can get to the firearm should something happen; she should be sure to have a phone handy to call the police and wait for help.

 

[shooterIII]

balletto

One of the previous posters said join the NRA. That is good advice, and also subscribe to other shooting magazines like Outdoor Life, Rifleshooter, Trap and Field or whatever, etc.
You don't have to buy the firearm right away, but you are showing that you enjoy the shooting field. Let the magazines lay around and maybe when you are not around she will look at them. The magazines laying around just might start her on the way to mentally accepting the idea. As far as shooting, I am an avid trap shooter and trap shooters are a great bunch of people. If you went to a trap range and talked to a board member or someone behind the sign up counter and said that you had a spouse that didn't want a gun in the house, would it be possible to rent a gun or borrow one to shoot. I have borrowed some of my guns to ladies, kids, and other people that came to the club. It was rewarding to me to see these people enjoy them selves.

Try it, it might work.

 

[Werewolf]

belleto told us that:

I'm now thinking that getting some counseling is the way to go. Having a third party mediate the issue may help meaningful conversation get started,

Friend, you still don't get it. The issue is not the gun. The issue is that your wife is dictating to you what you can and cannot buy.

Counseling is in order if the problem cannot be resolved internally but make sure when you go to counseling that the problem is defined correctly. The counselor isn't their to adjucate specific issues. The counselor is there to help you and your spouse solve a marital problem.

If you go to the counselor with the specific issue and that counselor is anti-gun (very good chance of that IMO) you'll become the problem and not the real issue which is:

A marriage is a partnership - not a dictatorship.

 

[Z_Infidel]

For any person to be as opposed to gun ownership as your wife, that person must not only reject the object of the gun itself but also the American traditions of gun ownership and self reliance. It is a deep and important issue that is about not only control within the marriage but also core beliefs and values. The prospect of ending a marriage is pretty heavy, but you must draw a line in the sand with respect to your own personal convictions. Be sure of your reasoning before you make a decision either way.

 

[cowboy77845]

You are not going to change her mind. Reason does not enter the discussion. If you want a gun, get one and let the chips fall where they may. You may be happy now but as time goes on this will become an issue. Undiscussed maybe, but an issue. And it will grow bigger and bigger in your mind. YOU ARE AN ADULT, SHE IS TREATING YOU AS A CHILD.

 

[pax]

Counseling is in order if the problem cannot be resolved internally but make sure when you go to counseling that the problem is defined correctly. The counselor isn't their to adjucate specific issues. The counselor is there to help you and your spouse solve a marital problem.

+1

edited to add: despite all the chest-pounding, it's not about "who wears the pants in the family" or anything that macho. It is simply that you and your wife need to work out, now, where "she" ends and "you" begin. You're both stepping on each other's boundaries.

pax

 

[Average Joe]

Be a man, and just buy the dam thing! Any married man, that has to ask his wife's permission to buy something, is not a man, but a child..

 

[Wastemore]

I'd rather have a disappointed wife than a dead wife...

 

[Jim Watson]

I am not married - and gladder of it most every day - but can suggest you go to
http://www.john-ross.net/ross_in_range.htm
and read articles 14, 24, 28, 29, 42, 43, 44, and any he references in those. He is extremely cynical about marriage but he makes a lot of good points and I can see from your (balleto's) posts and his articles where you are headed.
Let us know if you arrive at a decision, be it counselling, knuckling under, or asserting yourself; and how it works out. It might help the next guy picking or dealing with a wife.

 

[Flatfender]

Idea! Take her paintballing. Airguns. Ease into it. Arguing will not persuade her. Just do it. She's a gun virgin.

My wife, of 27 years, isn't into guns. She will target shoot a .22 and casual clay shoot in the back yard, if I catch her in the right mood.

Other than that, she see no purpose in them. The other day she asked me when I was going to "grow out of your gun thing". She already knew the answer and just laughed.

 

[mole]

Sometimes it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
If I recall correctly---correct me if I'm wrong please---blackpower guns aren't considered "firearms". Get yourself a blackpowder revolver and sneak by on a technicality.

 

[Joey2]

If my wife of almost 40 yrs. took that stance way back when she would of been my "ex" of 40 yrs.

The soft line would be to tell her no sex until you gun safe (which you buy ahead of time)is full of all the weapons you want.

If that apporach don't work make plans for escape and evasion out of the marriage. Slowly sneak assets out of the house and into safekeeping elsewhere. Take a lower paying job that will keep your support down. You do this after you have quietly squeezed as much money and assets away from the home without her knowing or being able to find out.

This will take maybe months, but it will be worth it in the long run.

A man does not need a woman all over his _ss for petty s-it.

 

[DontBurnMyFlag]

i am sure youve got some great advice already. i was in the same sitauation with my girlfriend. we comprimised. she doesnt care that I have a gun as long as it is locked up in my parents house (their wishes) and that she doenst hear about me owning them. I just keep my mouth shut, dont bug her about what gun I just bought, and we get along fine. she went to the range recently wiht me to watch.

 

[HI express]

Sorry balleto

One thing I've learned from THR is that is an important question to ask before going steady. After you marry ...then you decide if it is a battle to fight over...then the question is having a gun more important than being married to the lady?.

Personally, Both my wife and I have been in situations, both together and separately where a gun was important in not letting the situation escalate.

One situation was where my daughter came close to being kidnapped when she was about 5 years old.

Your choice. Your life.

 

[garrett1955]

One thing I've learned from THR is that is an important question to ask before going steady. After you marry ...then you decide if it is a battle to fight over...then the question is having a gun more important than being married to the lady?.

Personally, Both my wife and I have been in situations, both together and separately where a gun was important in not letting the situation escalate.

One situation was where my daughter came close to being kidnapped when she was about 5 years old.

Your choice. Your life.

yes sir, i also have learned that, make shur they like, or allow guns... or else....

 

[AnthonyRSS]

For the life of me I cannot understand how anyone can hateor be afeared of guns. At their most basic, they are just a tool.
My father cut his thumb off with a table saw a while back but has never shot himself accidently. Which tool is more dangerous?
(Rhetorical, neither, really.)
I understand being afraid of dogs- you cannot control them sometimes. etc etc

I can't see any remotely reasonable reason why someone would hate guns.

People get their panties in a wad over nothing. Not you, balleto, your poor wife.
Good luck

Anthony

 

[Jackthelad]

Don't give up!! My wife grew up in Hudson, Ohio, in a VERY anti gun household. I went through the same thing with her a few years ago, but went out and bought a shotgun I wanted anyways. As you can see from the pic taken on the day I brought it home, she was NOT HAPPY. After I showed her what a responsible gun owner I was, despite the media, and that the "evil gun" would not steal her breath while she slept, she slowly became very accepting. After seeing how much fun I was having shooting skeet with a buddy and his wife, she came along. Then she moved into handguns with me and has gone to the range with me. I have since obtained my CHL. Now, when I do not go out armed, she gives me that look, "Why aren't you taking your gun?" SHOW her that you are a responsible gun owner. I never thought my wife would change, but she has- and even defends me to her family.