Terrible Real-Life Dilemma

[Yoda]

My daughter-in-law is struggling. Her 10-year-old son, my grandson, has SEVERE emotional problems. These are the same problems that caused my youngest son--my grandson's father--to take his own life.

His constant problems have interferred with my daughter-in-law's ability to keep a job. She keeps losing babysitters and she frequently has to leave work to deal with his problems at school or to take him to medical facilities (or visit him there). At last, she is now working somewhat regular hours with a small family-owned company that understands the issues and adjusts her hours as needed.

Even so, she can't afford to live in the best neighborhoods. Instead, she lives in modest accomidations in relatively isolated rural areas. This also helps reduce trouble between my grandson and any neighbors' kids.

The dilemma? She's now living in an isolated wooded area, and she's not safe there. A few nights ago, she noticed a man wandering around on the dirt road in front of her house. The county police were very responsive, and they took the vagrant a few miles down the road and dropped him off there. Even so, she would be safer with a gun.

However, my grandson has made several suicide attempts, and he's also tried to attack his mother and his 4-year-old sister with a baseball bat. Obviously, he can never gain access to a gun. Even if a gun were stored in a safe that required a key or a keypad combo to open, I'm sure he would eventually get to it.

When I suggested to my daughter-in-law that she move in with her sister for safety, I learned that her sister is hiding from an abusive ex-boyfriend. Her mother? Not a good person to be around. A very bad person to be around.

I know there's no elegant solution to this. I just wanted to vent some frustrations. At least the state has recognized that my grandson has serious problems, and they've done a lot to try and find some combination of counseling and medication that might help...but nothing seems to have worked so far.

But back to the THR issue: I've decided not to let the daughter-in-law borrow any firearms, even though she occasionally asks. ( I once loaned her a .38 to deal with an ex-con who had directly threatened her, but I got that back after the guy went back to jail.) In a way, I'm deciding for her which is the greater danger, prowlers or her own son. However, if she acquires a gun on her own, I will give her all the training and safety gear she needs.

- - - Yoda

 

[CombatArmsUSAF]

That's quite a pickle of a situation you got there Yoda. Hopefully, it all works out.

 

[cbrgator]

Why wouldn't a combo safe work? Sorry about your situation by the way.

 

[larry_minn]

Lets look at the security (package) Good locks on doors, modified "safe room" (likely bathroom) with locking door. 2nd phone (in case phone lines cut) (i.e. cell) even if not paid it WILL dial 911/work.
Then some practice. (mom says "get to bathroom" everyone goes into bathroom where door locked and cell phone is on charger. (why you use old one so its where it should be)
Improve exterior doors/bathroom door is (IMO) due to situation the best option. (and cheap if you do it yourself)

 

[Yoda]

Combo Safe?

I thought about that. I'm still concerned. If getting into it got to be too inconvienent, or if she were worried about getting into it fast enough, she might start to leaving it open. On the other hand, if she keeps it locked up, she might fail to get it open under stress.

- - - Yoda

 

[Avenger29]

Biometric safe? Are they reliable enough yet?

 

[jaholder1971]

Wow, this sucks on so many levels it hurts your mind.

Personally, I think the primary concern is your daughter and granddaughter's safety with him in the home. As much as it sucks to think about, it may the time to consider permanent placement in a facility that can handle him. You didn't mention the age of the child (OK,, I just saw it) if he's wielding a ballbat at 10 it sounds like it's only a matter of time before all hell breaks loose.


Wish you luck, sounds like you're going to need it.

 

[Yoda]

for jaholder1971

Yeah, it's his mother that's going to bear so much of the pain in the future. When he isn't going off, he's a great kid. He just didn't deserve to get the worse set of genes from both of his parents.

The thing that I wish everyone would keep in mind when they read of some "nut case" doing something bizarre is that some of them really are genuinely troubled, and despite what they did, they deserve some degree of compassion.

Yes, I know that some adults do some violent things, but they were once kids, and if you saw how some kids can be reading a book with you about Egypt and talking about how they lived back in the old days and asking all sorts of questions just like a kid should, and the next minute they can be tearing the book up and growling like an animal, and then start crying because he doesn't understand why he just did what he did...

Sorry. It's just that when you read some newspaper stories, there's just so much that is left out.

- - - Yoda

 

[MyTFAL]

Military School. End of story.

 

[TT]

Magna trigger plus a good lockbox.

http://www.tarnhelm.com/magna-trigger/gun/safety/magna1.html

 

[GunsAmerica Fan]

I second the military school!

Can anyone say pepper spray and a stun gun? Some problems don't have an answer, and until things get clearer, get her the next best thing. NRA is touring the country with non lethal defense tactics. This is not a new idea.

 

[9MMare]

Coming from a family with long experience (and other church families) involved with the foster care system....tough decisions need to be made about the 10 yr old.

None of the choices will be happy ones. None. That's a tough thing to face.

Hope and love often let this type of situation go on for many yrs...including into majority (18). And then there is really no control over them.

What most (and I do mean most) families do, is wait until the destruction is at its worst, everything has been done and lost...and then face the inevitable. When it's too late and all other family members (& friends) have been harmed or run off.

I dont know this boy's diagnosis, but in order to save herself and her daughter, your daughter in law may need to turn him over to the state. And that may or may not mean severing ties with him...depends on the state and the care needed.

I'm really sorry to hear of this situation. There are often no feel-good fixes... And I am also sorry for the loss of your son.

 

[Old Fuff]

Would a pistol with a magazine disconector work? The chamber could be kept loaded, but mom could keep the magazine on her person. Most of the time the gun would be under lock & key, but if the boy did get ahold of it the chambered round wouldn't fire. At age 10 I don't know that he could figure out why it didn't work.

I wish you, and the boy's mother good luck and I hope this works out.

 

[billybobjoe]

I'd say a big yellow lab is an option. Guns are fine for millions of citizens, but as much as I'm a gun enthusiest I realize that guns aren't for every situation. I have seen a family go to extreme measures to keep a badly disturbed child out of a special home. In the end the child had to leave the household. The child was better off and the others and parents where then able to keep jobs. Very sad situation; you've got a long road ahead.

 

[JellyJar]

Forget ever having any firearm while he is living in your house. He is now old enough, strong enough and smart enough to defeat any attempt to hide or store a weapon where he cannot get it.

The only solution I see is like said above. Turn him over to state care. It is possible he is beyond help.

 

[ants]

Get a dog.

That will certainly help the security problem.
And sometimes it even helps the emotional problems.

 

[Yosemite Sam]

Could she conceal carry it on her person throughout the day then just lock her bedroom door at night?

 

[wilkersk]

umm, military school may not be the answer. Some private boarding schools are not set up to deal with problem children and can make things worse. I know this from first hand experience.

There is nothing worse on a pre-pubescent psyche than being stuck in an institution and having a bully (or several) constantly harrasing you day after day. That can make a kid with emotional problems into a truely messed up person.

There's no easy answers. Sorry for your troubles Yoda.

 

[JohnBT]

"umm, military school may not be the answer."

Of course it isn't. Not unless the school is staffed by the appropriate psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, etc.

Military schools are not a proper treatment for severe psychiatric problems. :banghead:

 

[flrfh213]

how bout a tazer, it is non-lethal, has enough stopping power to let her get away if needed, reloadable and will work well for close distances( i dont know how far out) but they are now avalible for personal use with tiny deployed tags when fired to identify its owner and the fact that it was discharged.

just an idea, but my prayers are with you...

 

[Big Bill]

Yoda - you have sympathy and prayers. I have a grandson that was adopted by my son that has some similar problems. It's a tough call to know what to do. I hope all works out for your DIL and grandson.

 

[leadcounsel]

Loan her a gun, train her, and get a cheap $30 lockbox safe (Sentry firebox,etc.). Seems like that answers the personal security issue. As for the rest I have no suggestions as it's a bit off topic.

how bout a tazer, it is non-lethal, has enough stopping power to let her get away if needed, reloadable and will work well for close distances( i don't know how far out) but they are now available for personal use with tiny deployed tags when fired to identify its owner and the fact that it was discharged.

Tasers cost a grand and require significant training. Yes they are very effective, but not for amateurs. Slow follow up shots would be a huge problem with a taser. And lack of understanding of how they work, or confidence in the weapon. You really need to be shocked by one to understand their potency and limitations.

OC spray would be a more cost effective and effective tool if a firearm isn't an option.

 

[jaro]

He will not be able to respond to any treatment in an environment where the "consensus understanding" is that the boy is responsible for his father's death. No family member or therapist or doctor will help him see that he was not if the family consensus is that he was and he is part of that family. In this case, more distance and more disinterested caregivers are better until he (and the family) understand with both heart and mind that he is not responsible for Dad's death. The dangerousness issues are enough to justify admission to a residential care facility for the (at least) six months that it will take to get him onto a "healing track." Such facilities exist; they do so for children like your grandson. When he needs his mother, he will need her alive and healthy.

Good luck. I hope that you can take at least some solace in knowing that this situation is not as rare as you might suppose, and that it can be resolved without further tragedy.

Jaro

 

[fireman 9731]

My vote would be a small frame revolver and a fancy conceal carry purse. Keep the gun in the hidden pouch all the time, and the purse close to mom. The kid has no idea the gun even exists. Maybe offer to buy her the purse if she can get the gun.

 

[Tim the student]

Military School. End of story.

First, who will pay? The mom who can't afford to live in good neighborhoods? I'm sure that some have scholarships available, but as it stands now, I can't see any wanting to give this kid any.

Second, why do you think that emotional problems (and probably chemical imbalances) will be solved by discipline? Being disciplined is not the same as being mentally healthy. Discipline may keep someone from cracking in your skull for no reason, but it won't make those thoughts and urges go away. It may be a solution to the symptoms, but it will definitley not be a solution to the problem.

Yoda, I don't have any great and wonderful answers to your problems, but I sincerely hope that you can find a workable solution to them.