Terrible Real-Life Dilemma

[skyflyer]

The danger is not what is outside the home.
Your daughter must move one the children out now.

Your grandson needs full time care now, He will hurt someone badly if he doesn't get help.

 

[chaim]

I am a special education teacher who works with emotionally disturbed high school students. I used to work in a psychiatric hospital, both with adults and kids/teens. I have a friend who married into a family with a son like this (his step-son once had a knife against my friend's wife's, the kid's mother's, neck and he had to try to talk the kid down from doing something stupid- he also terrorized the 2 other kids and family pets constantly). I have seen these sorts of things, though I'm not familiar with it first-hand in my home.

I don't totally agree with those who say absolutely no guns. If your daughter-in-law wants guns for home defense it will carry an extra level of responsibility, but it isn't impossible to be safe. Her son is dangerous, but his skills are closer to the typical "smash and grab" home burglar than a professional thief. A decent safe should be OK. Anything that can be broken into by the average person with time and some tools should be avoided as should anything that uses keys. But, something like the safes you can get at Bass Pro and other stores for around $1K should be enough. She'll just have to be very careful to use a combo that he won't be able to figure out (random numbers only, no birthdays or anniversaries) and she'll have to be careful to not have it written down anywhere. Also, she will have to be 100% sure to always lock it up properly. The idea someone here had of buying a gun with a mag disconnect safety, carrying the gun CCW (I'd also try to be sure he didn't know she carried) with the mag in a pocket might not be a bad idea (slow, but it is an added layer of security if he overpowers her). A retention holster may not be a bad idea either.

I'd also think seriously about what level of security is needed for him in the home. If he's already come after her with a bat, that is deadly force, she needs to be prepared. I'd replace the doors in her and her daughter's bedroom with some entrance quality doors with locks (I couldn't tell you how many times I heard stories of patients or my students having kicked down locked bedroom doors to attack family members). She should also harden the room by taking down the drywall on one side of the wall and putting up something stronger before drywalling back over it. Alternatively, bar the windows in his room, put a high quality door on his bedroom, and lock it from the outside (be sure he never gets the key)- but there may be some legal issues with that one (definitely there are fire-safety issues), and if she does that, she'll probably need to give him the master bedroom if it has a bathroom attached.

If I were her, I'd be sure to have some less-lethal options in case he came after her or her daughter again. Stun guns and pepper spray are far from ideal, but they may be needed- she'll want something short of the gun to be able to use to defend against him should he go after her or her daughter again.

It is good that he is getting therapy. One thing to watch out for as he gets older is meds compliance. I've seen it many times with kids like this that they'll take themselves off of their meds, or if there is a market for what they are prescribed, they'll sell it to other kids in the school.

If he is too out of control, I'd be slow to turn him over to the state as some have suggested. That is a very permanent solution as she'll lose parental rights to her child forever. It is definitely a last resort and should only be done with much thought, and she should probably discuss it with a social worker or therapist herself first.

Probably a better option is a boarding school, not just any boarding school but one geared to students with emotional issues (this is what my friend's now ex-wife did). I understand that there are financial difficulties, but it may be the only/best answer. From the OP it sounds like much of the family financial issues are due to the instability in the home caused by this child. If he was removed from the situation she may be able to take, and hold, a better job. If she feels too loyal to the people who are giving her a chance (very understandable), she may be able to work two jobs. Further, these schools often do have financial aid which may make things easier for her, and they may offer loans which might allow her to spread out the payments for several years.

Also, a word of hope. While it is true that many kids with these kinds of severe issues in childhood are often the prisoners or chronic psychiatric hospital residents of the future, many also turn out fine. Their brains are still developing, they are also awash in hormones, but in some cases these problems end in adulthood (this is why personality disorders generally aren't diagnosed in childhood, and many therapists are loathe to diagnose bipolar disorder in children). I've seen former students who just a year or two after graduating high school are doing fine, and my friend's (actually ex-friend) ex-wife's son is now a model citizen and doing great (job, college, girlfriend, never spent a day in jail, loves his mother, etc.).

 

[crasen]

I would consider a Tazer, I have seen them for about $350. For added safety she could put it in a pistol safe when she does not have it on her. If for nothing else to defend herself and others against her own kid. In a few years when he grows to be large enough he could be a pretty dangerous threat if his emotional problems do not get better. I have a mother that has had mental health problems for years. If I had a tazer in my hand and she was coming at me with a butcher knife i would not hesitate to taze her. As cold hearted as some may think it is, I do not believe that mental illness is any excuse for violent crimes. If someone attacks somebody else with intent to harm, I do not care if they are insane or not, the result is the same. Hopefully she can give him the help he needs to learn how to deal with the problems that he has. Many people have problems, they just have to learn how to cope with their problems in a way that works for them wether it means medication, therapy, or learning how to contain it by themselves.

 

[Werewolf]

Tough call and a tough thing to do but from a neutral observer's point of view maybe the kid needs to be institutionalized if he's really as bad as described.

 

[ants]

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