Tips for conflict de-escalation?

[Lonestar]

think if someone called my sister a bitch the next thing he would have received would be a straight left an inch below his nose. Then prepare for whatever consequences may ensue. And I don't have a sister.

Wait your going to assault someone for calling your imaginary sister a Bitch? In a NYC restaurant run by the chinese mob??? Trust me, you would not make it out the door alive.

The guy's sister did something extremely dumb. Just like acting like Amos and Andy in a Harlem Soul food joint, or making fun of redneck cowboys in a Southern joint with a rebel flag over the bar, you just don't do something like that. Your making fun of someone's background on their turf, with other like minded people all around, you will lose. The guy did a great job defusing the situation.

 

[RustyShackelford]

eye contact..

I think the mood or conduct of the subject may suggest if you would want to make direct eye contact. Many times subjects want to "square off" with you. If you move out of the way or put them off guard then you control how the incident will progress. I would avoid direct eye contact unless you have back-up or are able to deal with an agressive response by a subject(s) quickly.

RS

 

[BedPimp]

One late evening, just after last call, I was on my motorcycle waiting in line at a drive thru. I was living in a college town and there wasn't a whole lot else open at that time of night, so it was usually pretty busy at 2am. Just after I pull up, the guy in the Camaro in front of me leans out the window and asks what I would do if he called me a <edit> . My response was that it was obviously meant in the <edit>, and thanked him for the compliment. I then proceeded to offer his date a ride as she was far more entertained by my response than by his chest thumping machismo.

I have more thoughts on conflict avoidance/resolution, but I want to gather them a bit more before I post.

 

[jondar]

Quote: "Nothing like risking your a__ for the honor of someone who doesn't exist."

Do I infer from this that you would just smile and let it pass? But I guess, quoting Inspector Harry Callahan, "We know our own limitations."

 

[torpid]

And discretion is the better part of valor.

 

[JCF]

Do I infer from this that you would just smile and let it pass? But I guess, quoting Inspector Harry Callahan, "We know our own limitations."

Yes...we do know our limitations. My limitations tend to more or less coincide with those set out for me by the law. I tend to avoid physical altercations (fistfights, stabbings, shootings, etc.) in response to the insults of others. Call me crazy.

And discretion is the better part of valor.

+1

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

you too?

"Yes...we do know our limitations. My limitations tend to more or less coincide with those set out for me by the law. I tend to avoid physical altercations (fistfights, stabbings, shootings, etc.) in response to the insults of others. Call me crazy."

just call me older than 16 and no longer need to prove myself to anyone other than me. heck if my sister did that i would have to consider slapping her myself. i hate it when women get men jammed up. i was in love. hormonally, with a 21 year old law student who was interning for now. she was a feminazi in training and we both liked to drink. she was tall and would start politiucal fights in bars and get right in guys faces nose to nose shreiking. one nite a guy knocked her on her tail, something she richly deserved. sadly i couldn't let it slide and we danced. good news was no hard feelings later he and i drank together long after she went back to law school. seen many a man hurt over ego and some skirts poor behavior

 

[JMusic]

As others have said each occurance is unique. Points that have "saved" me. Be confident in your presentation. BG's like to have the upper hand, They will wonder why you seem at ease. Be intuitive, during the discussion there are keys to their thoughts you can pick up on, if you can capitalize on these do it. Get the hell out of Dodge ASAP if given the chance.

Jim

 

[David904]

Girl makes unapologetically racist gesture.

Girl gets called a bitch.

No physical altercation occurs.

No lasting ill will or hostility.

I call it a win / win situation.

 

[CWL]

quoting Inspector Harry Callahan, "We know our own limitations."

If we are going to quote imaginary charachters, you may as well get it right, the correct quote is:

"A man's got to know his limitations." -Magnum Force

 

[10-Ring]

Really depends on how much control you are over your emotions and faculties. The best thing is to just wak away....

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

its easy

"Really depends on how much control you are over your emotions and faculties. The best thing is to just wak away...."


once you've seen what can happen in real life. shame its not like those dirty harry movies. hurts to "win " a fight end up in hospital. or to get a friend hurt or worse

 

[Brass Fetcher]

Understand that the person who wants to argue with you, is just posturing. That is, they are looking to engage you in an argument because they feel it will benefit them (in whatever way). The are looking for your provocation as justification for them attacking you. Keep 'the ball in their court'.

"What do you wanna make of it?" = "That is up to you."

I had a >neighbor< try to get at me once - I was out walking my dog, and he came out to warn me to 'get that dog off of my yard', etc. It appeared that he just wanted to start a fight, and this was his reason. He is a physically imposing man, probably played linebacker or similar, in high school football. I am about, oh, 70lbs lighter than he was. He was probably expecting 1 of 2 things: me to cower because of the size difference or me to start arguing back with him. I did neither. Kept things neutral, stating that we were on easement and that was not his property. As time wears on (into the argument), they will start to size you up again and start to wonder why you are not acting the way that they think you should. This is where the 'tough man' got cold feet - I saw the expression in his eyes changed from anger to apprehension and the argument was over with a few parting words from him.

The person who is really dangerous, won't give you the benefit of posturing/warning.

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

too true

The person who is really dangerous, won't give you the benefit of posturing/warning

 

[thexrayboy]

The hardest part about conflict resolution is trying to determine if the person in front of you is rational and thus can be affected by stratgies to defuse conflict or if they are a wack job.

Wack jobs tend to be self igniting. Words and actions that no normal person would be upset about can trigger a violent reaction. Seen it all to often in mentally unstable patients. Just the phrase "how are you" can start them off on a tirade and once these type get going it's a genuine crap shoot as to how it will end. These types are too be avoided. They do not think or react normally so there is no way to predict their actions.

The rational kind that are angry usually have a specific grief or problem that is getting them all wound up. Neutral questions that allow them to vent frequently will provide the necessary expenditure of emotional energy that prevents a physical act. Even if the person has a problem that to most of us is irrelevant to them it is a BIG DEAL. To make lightly of it is to insult them and add fuel to the fire. This type of situation can be defused if dealt with in a nonjudgemental way. Make the person no promises. Take their complaint seriously. Allow them to vent. Most rational people threaten violence only because they are not getting the attention they desire. The rest are common criminals to be avoided.


Conflict resolution is a separate issue from crime. People with poor emotional control can become criminals by their actions but
that is an unintended outcome. Not the same as the posturing gang banger looking to boot stomp someone to add credibility with his homies. When confronted with criminals depart, when confronted with persons acting out emotionally conflict resolution can descalate the situation giving everyone a good outcome. Learn to recognize when acting out crosses the line and becomes criminal activity.

 

[strambo]

When someone insults you, or someone with you, in order to provoke a negative response...and you respond in a negative way...

Congratulations! You have ceded control over your thoughts, emotions and physical well being to the petty manipulations of a scum bag.

No thank you, if someone wants to flirt with violence with me, they'll do it on my terms. My terms are that I will not respond emotionally, nor insult others or treat them with disrepect. If my physical well being (or an innocent 3rd party's) is threatened, I will respond with overwhelming physical force using the most efficient tool I have and based the level of threat.

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

to quote biker

after this someones "gonna need a hug"
"No thank you, if someone wants to flirt with violence with me, they'll do it on my terms. My terms are that I will not respond emotionally, nor insult others or treat them with disrepect. If my physical well being (or an innocent 3rd party's) is threatened, I will respond with overwhelming physical force using the most efficient tool I have and based the level of threat."

 

[IronAge]

interesting thread...

For what it's worth,my tips for de-escalating a potential conflict:

1:Look them in the eye,raise arms,palms facing antagonist and say something to the effect of"no problem sir,man,dude"..or "no trouble" or if you did something rude or stupid,"sorry bout that" or "my bad"....smile and say it in a clear ,full voice.

2:while doing step one,assume your preffered stance,backing up a step if you have the space.

3:begin walking away

4: if those steps dont work,and the person continues to press or verbally antagonize,the time for talk is now over..you must make a quick decision,fight or flight.There is no shame in running away.Unless...perhaps if you live in this area and see these people on a regular basis,in that case,in my opinion only,it might be better to fight them for all you're worth.Otherwise,run.

5:since this thread is about "de-escalating",I'll skip any fighting advice except for this:if you have to fight,if there is absolutely no choice,backed into a corner,etc...be an utter animal,there are absolutely no rules but to win,no points,no style no nothing but stopping that person from hurting you and then guess what? running....get to a safe place,your car,a public place whatever...so thats my experience,even if you fight ,you still exit stage left as soon as you can.

addendum to point 5:you're backing away,talking your way out...assuming you are unarmed,,you should be looking for anything that could be a weapon...anything..if you dont think you can outrun this guy or guys..look for anything..a rock,a stick,a bottle,a car antenna...

6:to me,the ultimate de-escalating tool:situational awareness...If you're hanging out in biker bars at 2 in the morning,your s.a. should be pinging all the time...if you are in church on sunday morning I guess you could drop it a bit...but seriously,nowadays,you just never know...the store,the gas station,the atm..wherever..keep scanning..and try to read people at a distance....if you see a potential bad guy coming ,cross the street,dont worry about offending them...

story 1..walking down sidewalk in college town...see college girl approaching on my side..50 yards to the front,12 oclock,walking a big male black lab....I crossed the street..as she passed she said"my dog isint mean"...i smiled,sure,she didnt think it was mean..she looked offended,oh well...

story 2..approaching atm at night in bar area of same college town...a man steps between the machine and me..10 feet in front of me and begins asking me for money,i told him to get lost...i had about 70 pounds on him and he appeared to be a species of "crackheadicus americanus"..he keeps on asking,closing to within 3 feet of me..i had just got off work and was looking forward to a few beers and just didnt have the patience for this..as he rambled on and on i glanced right/left and bam! just staight punched him in the sternum...wrong thing to do? i dunno..not de escalating for sure..he left rather quickly..

story 3..missed the last bus home one night,couldnt find a cab,so I unwisely decided to walk through the worst ghetto area in 100 sq. miles...bad move...i made it about 15 blocks before the guys following me started to circle around the flanks so,I ran,flat out,followed by the hoots and cat calls and bottles landing nearby,turned a few corners,and finally found a cab...lesson learned,im glad i ran..

thanks for listening...

 

[ddave]

Didn't read the whole thread, so if someone already mentioned it , sorry in advance.

Do an internet search for " Verbal judo"

 

[thebaldguy]

Leave. Walk away from a possible confrontation. Don't spend time waiting to see if something worse will happen. Get out of the problem area and go somewhere safer.

 

[AStone]

Personally, I think this is the <edit> thread I've ever read,
and that all of you are really <edit> people!!!

If someone offers a conflict,
just punch their <edit> lights out...!!!
____________

Just kidding.

Interesting reading.
There's some good advice in here.
Very much the high road.

I resonate with the idea of no eye contact
as long as they're > 21' away.
I'd have them in my peripheral vision,
but (ostensibly) ignoring them.

(Have you ever seen the PBS special on avoiding eye contact with griz?
Apparently the authors of that documentary were killed by griz later
but they did survive at least a few years.
After that, they should'a had a .357 mag at least,
if not an Alaskan in .454 Casull.)

If aggressors progress much inside of 21',
then the rules begin to change in a few nsec.

 

[hagar]

Out walking my 2 little miniature Pincher dogs in a park in Phoenix (same park where a girl got murdered about 4 years before), and some really macho <edit - punk> , spoiling for a fight, comes up to me and snears "are those little dogs going to protect you if I attack you, or what". I laughed in his face and asked him if he never heard about walking a small dog and carrying a big gun (had my Sig 229 on me). Guy just muttered to himself and walked away. I'm convinced he was trying to profile and set me up for a robbery, and did not hear what he wanted to.

Sometimes it's best to apologize, leave and try and avoid trouble. If trouble follows you, you own it and should respond with as much force as you can.

 

[ARTiger]

a sincere "hey man, I'm so very sorry . . . didn't mean to offend you" while looking them in the eye is as far as I'll go. Anyone not accepting that is going to cause trouble anyhow so at that point I look for ways to either (a) get outta dodge and/or (b) give better than I get.

I am a fairly large person (Somewhat in shape, 6-3/260 former football player) so anyone getting in my face is typically on par physically or larger/badder. However, in the past I have had a few drunken loudmouths try to start something then suddenly get friendly when I stand and take a step toward them.

Self-depreciatory humor helps as long as it's not offensive. I remember a time when I apparently was ogling (okay not apparently - I was definately ogling) a hot gal at an "off the beaten track" Mexican restaurant/bar in Tuscon.

Suddenly her boyfriend - a rather sawed off but mean looking Mexican fellow and about 6 of his buddies surrounded me and starting cursing me in rapid-fire Spanish which I don't understand when spoken that fast . . . I said to the PO'd boyfriend . . . " you should be proud you have a girl worth looking at, and understand most guys can't help but look - especially big dumb gringos" . . . followed by a "wow that must be good Tequila, I'm seeing 6 of y'all". We ended up sampling tequilas he thought "better than that crap you're drinking".

 

[Professor K]

Do it million mom march style. Get on your Lifetime-ness and be like "I understand. Please dont shoot me."

Or, if you're about to get raped, you can be like "That's illegal." to him, and he'll obviously stop.

You might even be able to do like liberal fighting moves like the evasive sidestep. I learned the evasive sidestep in gym class, along with saying something is illegal will make someone stop.

 

[Ryder]

comment on regarding gettting out of sticky situations without having to resort to defensive violence.

I've been able to avoid several physical attacks by putting an obstacle between us. Any serious attempt to negotiate the obstacle and get their hands on me puts them at a tactical disadvantage and they know it. It's a line they instinctively know better than to cross. If you have patience they will give up. I don't care for the quickest solution, I just hope for the right one.

I tried talking sense to them in my younger days. That never worked. I guess because if they were capable of rational thought they wouldn't have attacked me in the first place. Placating talk causes them to perceive you as less of a danger to them. Depending on the circumstances it can make contact more likely, not less. I'd rather they conclude I am a hazard to their health. And I am but that's not what this thread is about.

I stay silent standing my ground behind my measly little barrier with only my eyes signaling my intent. With a little time to think uncertainty for their own safety kicks in and like a magic wand they back off having blown off much steam. You can actually see the little wheels turning inside their tiny transparent skulls as this happens. It's quite the freak show.

I don't cater to witness consumption. That's the attacker's job and they do it very well.