Training the Wife in Crisis Scenarios?

[RubenZ]

Do any of you here have a Wife/GF that you know may not hold well in a panic or Crisis situation? And if so what is the best way to go about training them.


My Wife(in 2 days) is one of those who panics easily. I sometimes worry that in the event of a break in etc it would be hard for her to even dial 911. I'm kind of stumped at what to do. Firearm training is one thing and she can pick that up easily but thats outside of a Panic or Crisis situation.

Is it basically a matter of having practice drills?

 

[elkhuntingfool]

I always wonder the same thing about my wife. She doesn't like guns - she's not anti-gun and she certainly doesn't like violent movies. However, I think you'd be surprised how your soon to be wife would act in a crisis. I think my wife would do just fine even though she might not show it now. My thinking is that we have four kids and she would do everything to protect them and protect herself while I'm doing my best to protect the five of them.

Natural instincts kick in when most folks don't realize they have them.

As for training? Not sure what is out there.

 

[ArfinGreebly]

Professional Training

Start with some professional training.

I'm not familiar with who teaches self defense down your way, but the pros teach mindset.

Mindset is how defense is done.

Once you have mindset, anything you have at hand can be a weapon. If you just happen to have a pistol with which you've trained, you're ahead of the game.

Once she has mindset, the rest will flow more naturally.

See also The Cornered Cat (maintained by our own pax) for deeper discussions.

You can spend $800 on a pistol, and now you have a pistol.

You can spend $800 on professional training, and now you have a weapon.

And the cool thing about the weapon is that you always have it.

Even when the pistol isn't there.

 

[BullfrogKen]

RubenZ said: Is it basically a matter of having practice drills?

No, it's a matter of understanding her perceived limitations, her actual limitations, and working within them. You aren't going to be able to get her to act in ways she's not able or willing to. Some people just aren't going to be able to take an active role in a violent encounter. And that's OK. In reality, that's most people. You just both need to understand what she can and can't do, and make your plans around that. If it's nothing more than go find a safe place, do what I tell you, and stay out of the way while I work this, then that's a good plan.


If you think she has the capacity to grow, then the best way to do it is in a series of conversations over time. Ask leading questions that guide her to think about herself and what she will or will not do. Guide her in some self-discovery, and if she seems like she wants to do more, but just doesn't know how or believe that she can, there are ways to do it. But she has to confront and resolve that within herself first.


If she decides she is willing, but doesn't know how or believe she can, the best way to grow those skills is in some good role playing exercises, with good, quality, non-judgemental debriefs. We all must find our own ways to solve dynamic problems. We can't be told how to carry it out. Our personalities are different, our skills and abilities are all different, and our own individual style and particular presence has a lot to do with what we can effectively do.


Leadership is tough. Leadership and decisiveness in a dynamic, rapidly unfolding crisis is the most challenging of all. It's not natural to anyone, but it can be learned by those who have the aptitude.

 

[ArfinGreebly]

Ken's Answer

I like his answer better than mine.

Ken knows of what he speaks.

 

[RubenZ]

Both of you had good answers and things I will look at and Consider. I like the idea of at least just getting it into her head of whats out there, what can happen and just the general mindset that this world is not safe anymore and you always need to be aware.

 

[sacp81170a]

If she decides she is willing, but doesn't know how or believe she can, the best way to grow those skills is in some good role playing exercises, with good, quality, non-judgemental debriefs.

Just to add:

It's best to get someone else to give the debrief, preferably another female. For the life of me, I just cannot act as an impartial instructor to my wife. At least, that's what she says...

 

[mekender]

what about a wife that is adamantly anti-gun to the point where she wont even touch an empty gun case? she lets me own and keep em, but they have to be hidden....

im scared that she wouldnt react to a bad situation and end up getting hurt without defending herself or my kids...

 

[Exmasonite]

boy, i can't even get her to put out candles in the house at night. This may be overly optimistic.

j/k

definitely on the list of things to do.

 

[BullfrogKen]

mekender said: what about a wife that is adamantly anti-gun to the point where she wont even touch an empty gun case? she lets me own and keep em, but they have to be hidden....

Where in our responses did ArfinGreebly or I mention anything that the answer has to involve the use of a gun?


Mindset doesn't care about the tool. Mindset is mental, and involves making decisions about how we will act and respond. Don't get wrapped around the need for a gun to solve the problem. Again, the answer might just be, "If xxxxx happens, you make sure you take care of yyyyy and I'll deal with the problem. If you aren't able to actively help solve the problem, just focus on making sure you stay out of the way."


Life has always been frought with risk and danger. There's no guarantee that having her as a reliable and competent partner means the two of you will be able to solve the problem.

 

[Citroen]

Role Play

While professional training is a huge benefit, if you are waiting and/or saving your money, you might think about what we do at my house. We rehearse reacting to situations including situational awareness while out of the home.

Thinking through how to react when there is no pressure may very well help you to make the right choice when and if you/she are faced with an actual threat.

We practice how she should react if she is entering or exiting her car and attacked.

I frequently remind my wife that Never under any circumstances do you allow yourself to be taken to a secondary crime scene - if you are going to be harmed, make the attacker do so in front of witnesses while you are blowing the horn and screaming for help. The odds are definitely against you if an attacker takes you to an isolated location.

We have an alarm so we also rehearse our roles if the alarm goes off in the middle of the night - we each practice what we do and where we go.

No matter what the task, "prior planning prevents poor performance" and thinking through the "what if" concepts can only help.

John
Charlotte, NC 8th Most Dangerous City in the Nation

 

[brighamr]

First things first

Watch Personal Defense on outdoor channel with your wife. I did with mine, and ever since when we're leaving the house: "Do you have the pistol?" It helps that we live in bear country, but trust me something as simple as watching that TV show changed her entire perception of self defense, and why it's needed.

Professional training is a good idea, but personally we are way to far from a school. what I did was take my wife out and role play different scenarios, as well as practice some moves from Personal Defense. I wouldn't say she's ready to take on the entire chinese army by herself, but I definitely feel sorry for anyone who's dumb enough to break into our house

 

[ArfinGreebly]

Personal Defense

Is this "Personal Defense" of which you speak the same as Tom Gresham's "Self Defense TV" on that same channel?

I wasn't aware there were two such programs.

 

[XavierBreath]

I love to teach. It comes naturally to me. I can humbly say that people who I have taught usually rave about my teaching.

I have found that from a practical standpoint, I do not have the ability to teach my own wife. There is just to much emotional baggage. Still, she and I wanted her to be competent regarding self defense, so we found a competent and respected instructor who understood where my wife was at as a woman wanting to improve her ability to defend herself. My wife insisted that her instructor be a woman.

We were very fortunate to have one of the most competent female instructors available near us, so my wife signed up. She learned all she could stand. Later, I signed up to attend classes with the same instructor. I learned what my wife had learned. Finally, we signed up for more advanced courses to be taken together. We focused on learning to work as a team. By doing things this way, I made myself a student as well, and placed myself and my wife on a level playing field. The level of emotional attachment and her intimidation was reduced significantly.

Now.......To work effectively as a team, two people must continue to hone those team skills. They must work together in concert, often enough that they know what the other will do. In our case, that has not occurred. We have let the team concept dwindle. We really need to train together more frequently. We never seem to have the time. However, I have little doubt that my wife can and will protect herself, and if need be, she can and will protect me.

 

[BridgeWalker]

I have found that from a practical standpoint, I do not have the ability to teach my own wife. There is just to much emotional baggage. Still, she and I wanted her to be competent regarding self defense, so we found a competent and respected instructor who understood where my wife was at as a woman wanting to improve her ability to defend herself. My wife insisted that her instructor be a woman

This is paramount. It seems that many married couples are very able to learn together but don't do as well trying to teach each other. To my husband's credit, he lets me teach him things from time to time, mostly to do with kitchen stuff, but I find myself getting very touchy and defensive when he tries to teach me. We're learning pistol shooting together, but when I try to teach shotgunning to my husband, he also gets pretty touchy and defensive and it interferes with our ability to achieve much.

Third party instructor is a very, very good idea. Specifics though, like plans and if/where to stash gear around the house, responses to threats in the house, are a good way to plan together and to get both parties thinking together in a defensive way.

 

[KBintheSLC]

I had the same issue with my wife. Regular training will thwart this "panic" reaction as she will be acting on subconsciously embedded responses. If she trains a lot, her motor skills will act without the conscious part of her brain requiring too much input. So, train, train, train.

Maybe get an airsoft gun too. I act like a thug, and the wife practices drawing and shooting me before I can reach her with my plastic knife.

 

[RubenZ]

All good suggestions so far. My fiance did take karate for a long time actually but that was years ago.

 

[mercop]

It is because of this that we are looking to do a Couples Course. Usually the husband has all the training and toys and acts as the bodyguard. But you can't be there all the time. One thing I have learned is to not buy them tools but let them pick them out themselves.

 

[Mtnvalley]

Is this "Personal Defense" of which you speak the same as Tom Gresham's "Self Defense TV" on that same channel?

I wasn't aware there were two such programs.

Tom's show is entitled "Personal Defense TV". The new season's shows are great so far.

And, more on-topic...my wife has shown interest in the show as well. Not quite enough interest to look forward to it with bated breath as I do each week, and not quite enough (yet) to make it a point to watch every show after we have it recorded...but if she walks through while I happen to have it on, she's apt to take a seat and watch. And if there are features that include women (a recent show highlighted them), she is very eager to watch it.

 

[Thain]

My wife, delta9, doesn't panic in a threatening or crisis scenario. She's tough, a great shot, and more than capable of taking care of herself in a scuffle... She might be a little out of practice with her judo, other than flipping me over her shoulder for amusement from time to time, but I'm not worried aout her.

The key thing, as others have said, is clear and open communication. Add to that clear and open understanding of each other's way of learning, since we all have our own weird quirks about learning new skills.

Like delta9 said, from time to time, she'll teach me new cooking tricks... but I get weirdly defensive when she tries to teach me about auto repair. I can barely change my own oil, and she morphs into some sort of NAPA Automotive Ninja whenever there is an car issue... Yet, I get all touchy when she tries to help me. Ego? Masculine Pride? Stupidity? I don't know...

On the proverbial other hand, she hates it when I try to teach her something about some peice of software she's using on her computer...

There are some great articles at Cornered Cat, about getting ones wife interested in shooting, and some very practicle advice on how to avoid what I call the "Wifey Syndrome" or "Little Lady Disease." The entire website is a great read for anyone who shoots, male or female, and especially good for newer shooters.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to my "Rape Prevention and Self-Defense I" class. (I kid you not.)