A Mall Ninja Thread With Funny Stories About Mall Ninjas,

[FLoppyTOE]

I seen a pair of them running over a bridge near my home. Alot of people exercise there. There was a pair of them running in olive drab clothing with webbing and GI issued canteen. My girlfriend thought I was nuts because I yelled out, "Holy S***, MALL NINJAS!" And then I laughed all the way home.

 

[The Tourist]

Tourist - WSJ to those outside of Wisconsin generally means the Wall Street Journal.

Much to my chagrine, I learned that the hard way.

In describing ORB would you say he was a rather large fellow with a tendancy not to be forgiving? *gulp*

 

[The Tourist]

I have about as much use for bounty hunters as The Tourist does for Mall Ninja

Supposedly, there are some special considerations that bounty hunters have under statute and tradition. However, some have raised the obvious issue that Dog seems to go after softballs.

As you remember, groups like PETA used to throw red paint on little old ladies with fur coats. It wa supposed to signify blood, death and cruelty. Gee, leather jackets are made out of leather. I never saw a biker get splattered.

In like manner, in any group of bikers there are many examples of petty crimes, child support violations, numerous overdue traffic tickets, weapons crimes, loud pipes, drug infractions, etc, etc. Heck, I don't even know how many equipment violations I could run up if I tried.

In like manner, why doesn't Dog go after real criminals? Why are they always toothless, clueless losers?

Well, the answer is as obvious as mall ninjas playing dress up. They like the trappings of power, but don't want to do the math.

Allow me to postulate how Dog's band of gypsies would be embraced here. Once the laughter subsided, you would see the boys huddled together drawing straws...

 

[revjen45]

Loud pipes save lives!!

 

[FLA2760]

About 5 years ago I was at a mall killing time between my runs. I was driving a charter bus back then. I am in Sears in the tool section sipping overpriced mall coffee and I hear stop you are under arrest stop! I see this teenager with an armful of tee shirts heading for the door with the mall security guy about 25 feet behind and in obvious distress. The security guy was about 275 lb. and like 5' 4," a real fireplug. As the miscreant teen breezed by me I stuck my foot out and he went down hard and let out a sigh. I "detained" him until the guard could close the gap. He let out a SCREAM when the mall ninja sat on him. The guard started saying that you are in violation of this code and that code. The city cops were called. The security guy looked like he needed an ambulance as he was sweating profusely and shaking. I found out he chased the punk through a portion of the mall and then Sears. It was the most fun I had in a long time. lol

 

[teCh0010]

In like manner, why doesn't Dog go after real criminals? Why are they always toothless, clueless losers?

These are the majority of the people who have skipped bond. And it's never some grand escape, they were just to stoned or stupid to show up.

The real criminals who are likely to take off are sititng in jail becuause the judge set the bond high and no bailbondsmen would write them. Criminals generally don't have much in the way of collateral if they get a high bond.

 

[The Tourist]

The problem with both concerns, like Dog and mall ninjas, is that they are a cottage industry growing like a boil because we have let them. Kind of like weeds; we don't take care of the lawn, we get opportunistic leeches.

In any other country, or at any other time, would free people be so willing to turn their ideas of enumerated rights over to shoe salesmen with badges in the faulty assumption that they have gained a margin of "safety"?

I might not have done much for society in the early half of my life, but even in that panorama of foolishness, I was an honest scoundrel. And that my friends is preferable to being a scoundrel instead of honesty. And if you can imagine the stark irony, it is someone like me who doesn't believe you.

For all of the good it would do, you could incinerate every unsworn pretender with a bolt of divine lightning and be in no more of harm's way if you would take responsibility and simply look both ways in traffic. What good has actually been done? What bully-boy actually has any fear? What crime is stalled? Is reality truly changed because we do our own card tricks to ultimately fool ourselves?

I don't like, fear or tolerate mall ninjas. I haven't for almost four decades. I no more believe in their attributes any more than I believe in half of their war stories printed here. If they were any fraction of the measure of the men they claim to portray there would be a drop in any measure of any crime you wish to study.

So like repairing a broken toy, sooner or later you make the hard call, admit the innocent fun is at its end and yank the batteries.

You want to impress the public with daring-do? (The only way you can impress me is to retire and take up dinner theater.) Do something to stifle unrest so we can measure it. Go to Sturgis, or heck, get a job in Cancun and see if you can police up at least one ounce of student upchuck. Do something, in fact, do anything.

I wear your insipid patch on my old colors as my bold statement of an open-mouthed laugh. You are nothing, you do nothing. Your entries here are nothing but wasted bandwidth. You have accomplished nothing.

Oh, save one thing. One thing alone has been accomplished.

You look in the mirror and you see Batman.

 

[KiltedClaymore]

I haven't for almost four decades.

in all seriousness, they were around that long ago?

 

[The Tourist]

in all seriousness, they were around that long ago?

Don Knotts portrayal of Barney Fife is the humorous rendition of my beliefs, easily four decades past. My guess is that the real roots of this concept were the early Asian observations of "paper tigers."

 

[FourNineFoxtrot]

FourNineFoxtrot, 1st Degree Mall Ninja, Casino Subdivision (retired), reporting in.

As a former Casino Ninja, whereupon my job was to keep the peace at risk of life, limb, and ill-fitting cotton-poly blend uniform tunic, I heap disdain upon the heapings of disdain that have been heaped... upon... something.

I'll have you all know that my mini-flashlight was a beacon for Justice! in the benighted halls of Casino-dom. Verily, did miscreants hide their giggling faces whenever my mighty mini-flashlight shone its shining AA-battery-powered beam of Justice! in the dark corners of the land. And in trash cans. I had to check the trash cans.

In my long years of service... er... year... of service... I waged many fierce battles with the evil-doers that haunted my Casino. And also, a drunk threatened to beat me up, and I wasn't scared very much at all! In fact, I told him off, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you can't bring your beer in with you. We don't allow alcohol here...". Sure showed him. Actually... I just showed him inside. But I made him dump the beer first. Well... actually, he just drank the rest of the beer... but I stood up to him. And I only called him "sir" twice, and only apologized once, and I didn't mean it.

Of course, of all the many and varied tools available to my elite Casino Response Availability Patrol (or C.R.A.P), my radio saw by far the most use. I can't even count the times I've had to call in backup once C.R.A.P. hit the floor. The Casino floor, I mean. Where the gaming and stuff happens. Or so I'm told... I was too busy practicing with C.R.A.P. to really notice what went on there. Anyway, there were many hard-fought callings of backup, and untold sagas of frenzied radio calls... and not just "Boss, the drunk guy's hassling me again...". Not just that. There was also the kid who kept trying to get in with a fake ID. Well, my comrades-in-unarms and I had to show that delinquent what C.R.A.P. stands for.

So continue to heap your heapings of disdain, and I will continue to disdain your heaping of disdain in heaps on... my... whatever. I was a Mall Ninja Once, And Young. I've served C.R.A.P. duty. I've seen the elephant. It was at a circus. It was big and mean and scary, but I wasn't very afraid. I've faced down drunks with politely worded concessions. I've withstood the mumbled threats of menacing teenagers half my size. I've made frantic radio calls for backup, and answered those calls, during my C.R.A.P. service. I will not be mocked. Much. Anymore. Whatever. La-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you mocking me, my fingers are in my ears. It's a super-secret Ninja technique. I could teach you, but I'd have to kill you... or take my fingers out of my ears.

I bid you adeau... adeaiu...adeiu... er... farewell.

NINJA VANISH!!1!
***throws smoke bomb on the ground to facilitate vanishing***


***smoke bomb hisses and goes out***

***makes dignified exit, ignoring failure of ninja vanish facilitation device***

FourNineFoxtrot, 1st Degree Mall/Casino Ninja, C.R.A.P Operator, (retired), signing off.

 

[revolverman357]

I hear a lot about these Ninja people. Does anyone have a picture of one, so I know what you're talking about? I live far from a mall, so I really don't go there.

 

[The Tourist]

In my long years of service... er... year... of service... I waged many fierce battles with the evil-doers that haunted my Casino.

As funny as your post was, you actually faced more real danger than your average chest thumping mall ninja.

There is a website or a youtube video on "Playing Cards as Weapons."

Any one of those little old ladies going off to bingo might have dropped you by flinging a razor sharp Two of Clubs. No, man, you didn't just serve, you hit the beach! You showed phenomenal poise under what could have been withering fire.

And for the first time in my life I laughed at a mall ninja for an entirely different reason.

 

[DRZinn]

FourNineFoxtrot, for the win!

 

[Cave Dweller]

I hear a lot about these Ninja people. Does anyone have a picture of one, so I know what you're talking about? I live far from a mall, so I really don't go there.

The real mall ninja prizes go to those who take their jobs WAY too seriously.
Some security guards have call to take pride in their work. Everybody from bouncer on up. Most ordinary security are hired as a deterrent and they know it.

So the "mall Ninja prize goes to both the layperson and the professional who's just too tacked out for what he or she does.

Some apparent mall Ninjas do a good job. Kicking @#$ and taking names. I work with a few. Most of them move on to the academy real quick. Then again we got some real wanabees and some in betweeners. I'm an in betweener. I wear this crap because the pd tells me to, and I can get in trouble for being out of uniform if I don't.

So without further adoo, pictures of Mall Ninjas...

 

[The Tourist]

To be a "mall ninja" in the traditional sense as we malign them, the usual ninja has to be a legend iin his own mind, if you catch my drift.

 

[SCKimberFan]

Those are not true ninjas. Everyone knows true ninjas cannot be photographed!

 

[KiltedClaymore]

speaking of which, any van sightings yet?

 

[Ragnar Danneskjold]

I like that poster "Mall Ninja: lots of hardware, lacking software"

I think that's a very succinct and accurate description of what a mall ninja is. All of that gear does have a use to someone. Tac lights, rails, knee pads, ASP batons, etc all have real purposes. BUT the crucial thing is having a need and the know-how to use it in the right situation. Real cops, soldiers, alphabet agents actually use a lot of the stuff, but they use it in situations where it's needed. I'm a soldier, but I don't know a single battle buddy who would carry the crap they make us carry if it weren't part of the job. The cool factor of all that crap is gone the moment you start sweating.

Mall ninjas are willing to wear all of that gear, in any temperature, because the think it makes them look cool. They don't need to wear it. They want to. Whereas real "operators" as the saying goes, need to wear it. But they don't want to. Plus the real deal knows how to use it. Mall ninjas very often do not. I know probably 20 or so security guards who carry handcuffs. I don't think a single one has taken a class in cuffing procedures, and would likely get his ### handed to him if he tried cuffing anyone.

Having lots of gear doesn't make someone an "operator". But it also doesn't make one a mall ninja. Some people really do use and need that stuff. The mall ninjas are the ones who don't, but have the gear anyways.

 

[Cave Dweller]

Well put taurusowner.

In all this, let's not forget the mall ninja's close relative, the internet comando

 

[U.S.SFC_RET]

When I was stationed in Washington State two Mall ninjas in a (very close in appearance) police car actually went out of their boundries.
They (mall ninjas) at the mall went up to the guy they tried to arrest while he was in his car and said we are the police. The guy was sharp enough to see that they were mall security. Told the two offenders and the back up that they had no right to arrest him. I don't remember the full story but the company was in serious trouble. The cars from that security company was very close in detail to the local police. The security personnel acted like police.
I believe the phrase was Quote: You are under arrest by order of the local police: Unquote

Tons of trouble on that one.

 

[Realbigo]

I'm gonna take a wild guess here that no one on this thread has ever been hard up enough to have to work a dead end job as a Security Guard until something better came along? Well I have, and even though I was required to wear a BS wanna be Police uniform, I made every attempt to conduct myself w/ discretion, logic and above all, respect and common sense. I spent a lot of my days being verbally abused and maligned as "Rent a cop"," Toy Cop", "Store Dick", and a favorite around here of "Flashlight Cop". I worked hard at a ****ty job where that same common sense caused me to by and wear a Bullet Proof Vest. This only added to the derision I got from the public. Even on the low income Housing projects where we worked closely with the local Police. Since these same PJ's were so rife w/ drug traffic and gang activity that when we weren't around the decent people couldn't leave their homes safely. I did it all for $7 an hour, and most of the time w/out a partner as the Company was trying to cut costs. After I quit, I found out that they were billing the city for two officers every night I worked alone. It got me shot one night. Point Blank 3 times w/ a .380, as I tried to write a guy a ticket for trespassing. Thankfully I was wearing that same vest that I got so much crap for. So the next time you want to make fun of the short haired kid in his stupid Uniform at the mall, think twice. He might just be some poor Vet trying to make ends meet so he can go to a community college and get an education to make up for having been a 0311, or 11B and not getting any of that high dollar training that I keep hearing being promised by the US Armed Forces

 

[siglite]

Pics of the vest? I wanna see what a .380 does to one.

 

[SFvet]

Bounty Hunters (Fugitive Recovery Agents, Bail Enforcement etc) are court enforcement agents (yes they have legitimate authority) who will secure a subject who has contempted court and jumped bail - or they answer to the court on their bail!

They have the authority to seize the fugitive and rebook. Dog has worked with local law enforcement agencies countless times to secure his subject - he is not a mall ninja by any means.
Anyone who is able to not only enforce a court arrest warrant - but try and help the person deserves recognition in my eyes and the eyes of those of us in the law enforcement arena.

 

[VegasOPM]

I regularly take firearm training and compete in matches. My favorite Mall Ninjas are the guys that show up to the class/ match resplendant in their best "Operator" regalia- figuring that they have it licked. I can't stand wearing that crap, so I typically wear jeans or Carhart pants, a t-shirt, a ball cap and boots (okay I admit- they are Bates side zips, but I don't blouse my pants into them). Invariably I'll get a comment along the lines of "first timer huh?" or a patronizing "you'll do fine". At this point they'll explain about their Tactical Operator Ninja pistol with the auto-insert mags. I just tell them- "yeah, it's an old Glock".
Or as Grandma used to say "If you ain't man enough without it, you won't be man enough with it".

The biggest problem is that none of those guys want to come back.

 

[Lookn4Brass]

Case in point: Dale from the "King of the Hill" Television series. Had a pest control business called "Dale's Dead Bug". His wife said that his business contribution paid the cable bill. Gotta love it!

I love that show because I know people like that, from the place I used to work and from my old gun club back home. Identities shall remain nameless.