Johannes_Paulsen
Member
Address her fears. Talking this one out is the way to do it. If you can't, well, that's a pretty big sign.
Girl or Gun
- Thread starter Bandit01
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Zundfolge
Member
This isn't about guns, this is about control.
If you give up your guns for her now, someday you will regret that decision (along with the thousand other things you gave up for her ... without her likely giving up anything) and the relationship will end ... if you're married to her it will end in a very messy and expensive way ... if you've bred with her it will end in an even messier and more expensive way.
Keep the guns ... dump the girl ... find a girl that likes guns (or at least will have enough respect for you to let you keep your hobbies).
Also, if she is really serious about this phobia, and you tell her "Leave if you want, but the guns stay." and she stays, then she may end up in that same position down the road and things will get messy and expensive.
If you give up your guns for her now, someday you will regret that decision (along with the thousand other things you gave up for her ... without her likely giving up anything) and the relationship will end ... if you're married to her it will end in a very messy and expensive way ... if you've bred with her it will end in an even messier and more expensive way.
Keep the guns ... dump the girl ... find a girl that likes guns (or at least will have enough respect for you to let you keep your hobbies).
Also, if she is really serious about this phobia, and you tell her "Leave if you want, but the guns stay." and she stays, then she may end up in that same position down the road and things will get messy and expensive.
I don't have any idea what you mean by "serious". You mean you've had more than 3 dates and are getting up the nerve to kiss her goodnight, or do you mean you're getting into specifics about how big of a diamond and how many kids you're going to have?
In either case, if you want to go out with her and have fun, by all means, feel free to do so. But be honest with her up front about the fact that you enjoy firearms as a fun hobby and also as a basic human right and a constitutional right, and you're not giving them up for anyone whether it's her or the King of England. And especially not because of someone's irrational phobia of a harmless unloaded locked-up gun. If you can be that honest with her, and she still feels like sticking around, then maybe she is worth getting a little "serious" about. But make it plain that it is a non-negotiable issue with you... if she wants help getting over her phobia by learning about firearms and what they are/aren't capable of, you're there to be very supportive and will do all you can to help her get over it gracefully and reclaim that part of her humanity.
I'm guessing if you're like most young men under 30, you'll make a classic mistake and learn the hard way what the older and wiser heads here could have saved you the trouble. Either you'll think to yourself "I'll just get rid of them for now, and later she'll CHANGE and it'll be ok to get them again" WRONG - you'll have 2 kids and a mortgage together before you know it and it'll be either unarmed misery or armed solitude with alimony and child support payments for you, another form of misery.
Women aren't always conscious of their own inner needs, and sometimes what they think they want runs contrary to what would really suit their interests best. Don't be an @$$hat, but a woman does like a strong man. Not a barbarian who eats with his elbows, but a man who knows who he is and what he believes, regardless of what some woman (even one he is getting "serious" with) thinks. Stand up for what you believe and what's important to you. She will either part ways (was using you, whew) or she will get a whole new respect for you, which will attract her more, maybe enough for her to make an attempt towards being less afraid of firearms.
There are plenty of posts on here for helping people get over hoplophobia, so I won't go into that aspect. But I've just given you the big picture, and what you do with it is up to you, friend.
In either case, if you want to go out with her and have fun, by all means, feel free to do so. But be honest with her up front about the fact that you enjoy firearms as a fun hobby and also as a basic human right and a constitutional right, and you're not giving them up for anyone whether it's her or the King of England. And especially not because of someone's irrational phobia of a harmless unloaded locked-up gun. If you can be that honest with her, and she still feels like sticking around, then maybe she is worth getting a little "serious" about. But make it plain that it is a non-negotiable issue with you... if she wants help getting over her phobia by learning about firearms and what they are/aren't capable of, you're there to be very supportive and will do all you can to help her get over it gracefully and reclaim that part of her humanity.
I'm guessing if you're like most young men under 30, you'll make a classic mistake and learn the hard way what the older and wiser heads here could have saved you the trouble. Either you'll think to yourself "I'll just get rid of them for now, and later she'll CHANGE and it'll be ok to get them again" WRONG - you'll have 2 kids and a mortgage together before you know it and it'll be either unarmed misery or armed solitude with alimony and child support payments for you, another form of misery.
Women aren't always conscious of their own inner needs, and sometimes what they think they want runs contrary to what would really suit their interests best. Don't be an @$$hat, but a woman does like a strong man. Not a barbarian who eats with his elbows, but a man who knows who he is and what he believes, regardless of what some woman (even one he is getting "serious" with) thinks. Stand up for what you believe and what's important to you. She will either part ways (was using you, whew) or she will get a whole new respect for you, which will attract her more, maybe enough for her to make an attempt towards being less afraid of firearms.
There are plenty of posts on here for helping people get over hoplophobia, so I won't go into that aspect. But I've just given you the big picture, and what you do with it is up to you, friend.
I have been in your place.
Woman love to fix men!
Of course if you asked them to change ANY they go crazy.
HER "If you love me you get rid of those guns"
HER"You know when we have children you have to get rid of your gun"
ME "You know I have to ask you to marry me..."
ME
"I will make you a deal if you never go over 100 pounds I will not buy another gun"
HER "That is not fair"
ME "Your asking me to change"..."I am just asking you to stay the way you are"
Woman love to fix men!
Of course if you asked them to change ANY they go crazy.
HER "If you love me you get rid of those guns"
HER"You know when we have children you have to get rid of your gun"
ME "You know I have to ask you to marry me..."
ME
"I will make you a deal if you never go over 100 pounds I will not buy another gun"
HER "That is not fair"
ME "Your asking me to change"..."I am just asking you to stay the way you are"
camslam
Member
I'm with the majority on this one. Dateable women are just like buses, another one comes along every 15 minutes. Unless she looks like Cindy Crawford, Daniella Pestova, or something similiar. Then it might be worth losing the guns.
In reality keep the guns, lose the girl (unless she'll convert).
The other wise words from those in the forum regarding this will be the first thing that goes, you have to ask yourself what's next.
In reality keep the guns, lose the girl (unless she'll convert).
The other wise words from those in the forum regarding this will be the first thing that goes, you have to ask yourself what's next.
shooter1
Member
She sounds like your one and only true love. Don't let objects stand in your way for happiness. Send all those evil guns to me so you two love birds can live happily ever after....
Damn,
I was gonna make that offer!
str1
Damn,
I was gonna make that offer!
str1
Note that the word "fix" has many, many meanings in English.
Here are three, per the Random House Unabridged Dictionary:
15. Informal. to put in a condition or position to make no further trouble.
16. Informal. to get even with; get revenge upon: I'll fix him!
17. Informal. to castrate or spay (an animal, esp. a pet).
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fix
Seriously, women who aren't psychologically flawed or emotionally undeveloped don't go after men in order to repair them.
If this is the case, then this is another major red flag.
Nameless_Hobo
Member
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2007
- Messages
- 191
She doesn't care, she wants control over you. The guns going are just a way of proving to her that she can control you.
ZeSpectre
Member
Come closer I have to talk to you.
You gotta know about you before you deal with her.
What's important to you, what makes you YOU. Once you know that you'll know what your are willing to compromise on and what you aren't.
Then the answer will be clear. It may not be easy but it'll be clear.
You gotta know about you before you deal with her.
What's important to you, what makes you YOU. Once you know that you'll know what your are willing to compromise on and what you aren't.
Then the answer will be clear. It may not be easy but it'll be clear.
Beatnik
Member
Disagree. The wisest advice I ever got was this: "They all get ugly. You may as well choose one you can talk to."
My wife wasn't brought up with guns around like I was. She wasn't scared of them - she isn't scared of much, which is why I married her.
When I started buying my own, I had to abide by rules we agreed on: always locked up, and no touching after I pop the first beer bottle. But after a couple years - I just bought the bed gun this month, and she really, really wants to shoot it.
I'm gonna go with the moderates here. If you can bring her around, that's cool, but if not, leave. Real women want real men. Real men own guns. That means she's not a real woman yet.
30 cal slob
Member
free men own guns.
castrated slaves do not.
castrated slaves do not.
Ready2Defend
Member
In addition to the issue of giving up your nice gun collection is the issue of communication between a man and a woman. If you can't come to some kind of agreement over this issue and how are you going to come to an agreement over other issues in life? So I advise that you don't go any further in this relationship and until you can resolve this. If you guns are just a hobby that's one thing maybe you can give them up. But if self-defense is part of your basic belief system you have the job of bringing her to believe that self-defense should be part of her basic belief system. Once self-defense is part of her basic belief system then you've won the argument (or at least are a lot closer) because guns are the only effective means of personal self-defense.
budney
member
Note: women generally despise men that they can control. Take a good look at your doormat on the way outside next time, and ask yourself one question...
--Len.
CountGlockula
Member
Dude, if the relationship is getting "serious" why would it matter? Her love for you should over shadow your passion for guns. Maybe she's not the one.
It's your choice man.
It's your choice man.
PX15
Member
Bandit01:
Well, here's one old farts opinion..
First, my little bride and I have been married coming up 40 years now. She knew I liked, and owned guns from day one so I was never in the quandry you find yourself in.
But I honestly believe that IF I had been, I would have told the little honey that either she could accept the fact that firearms would be a part of our lives, or she had the wrong guy.
I know that sounds harsh, but buddy you WILL NOT be able to change her on this issue AFTER a wedding, so if you can't work it out now, BEFORE a wedding you will be one miserable soul...
Additionally, if your wife can dictate to you on this issue, what might be the next issue?
I would try to negotiate this issue with her in one way, and one way only. I would assure her that I was as concerned about firearm safety as much as she was, and would do everything in my power to insure that every measure of caution would be used, but I WOULD have my firearms, period, end of discussion.
This could very well be more an issue of control and her having her way than it is about firearms... The good Lord gave you two gonads, and he didn't give her any. (hopefully).. If you want to hand her your two, that's your business, but it won't make you happy in the long run.
All of the crap about 50/50 equaity in a relationship is IMO sheer BS. A woman wants a man to make the hard calls when they are necessary.. A woman by nature does NOT want to wear the pants in the family, but if the man is willing to hand them over she WILL put them on. And you will forevermore "kitty whipped".
I do NOT mean a man "rules the roost", as I think a marriage based on mutual respect and concern for the other spouses feelings is the only way for a happy marriage to survive. I don't care if you call it 51/49, whatever, sooner or later somebody has to make the hard decisions, and most men have enough self respect they don't want the wife doing it.
I don't mind one bit taking all the crap anybody taking exception to my opinion choses to offer.. I believe what I'm saying, I've got almost 4 decades of reasonably blissful marriage in the books, and my wife and I love each other, and will do so until one of us is "room temperature and toes up".. And at that time the other will wish it were him/her in the box, because we won't be able to bear seeing the other gone....
Be the MAN, love and respect your wife, but keep your nuts in YOUR britches.
Just an old farts opinion.. YMMV
P.S.
I just ordered her a personalized Seecamp LWS32.. She wanted mine, but that wasn't happening....
Well, here's one old farts opinion..
First, my little bride and I have been married coming up 40 years now. She knew I liked, and owned guns from day one so I was never in the quandry you find yourself in.
But I honestly believe that IF I had been, I would have told the little honey that either she could accept the fact that firearms would be a part of our lives, or she had the wrong guy.
I know that sounds harsh, but buddy you WILL NOT be able to change her on this issue AFTER a wedding, so if you can't work it out now, BEFORE a wedding you will be one miserable soul...
Additionally, if your wife can dictate to you on this issue, what might be the next issue?
I would try to negotiate this issue with her in one way, and one way only. I would assure her that I was as concerned about firearm safety as much as she was, and would do everything in my power to insure that every measure of caution would be used, but I WOULD have my firearms, period, end of discussion.
This could very well be more an issue of control and her having her way than it is about firearms... The good Lord gave you two gonads, and he didn't give her any. (hopefully).. If you want to hand her your two, that's your business, but it won't make you happy in the long run.
All of the crap about 50/50 equaity in a relationship is IMO sheer BS. A woman wants a man to make the hard calls when they are necessary.. A woman by nature does NOT want to wear the pants in the family, but if the man is willing to hand them over she WILL put them on. And you will forevermore "kitty whipped".
I do NOT mean a man "rules the roost", as I think a marriage based on mutual respect and concern for the other spouses feelings is the only way for a happy marriage to survive. I don't care if you call it 51/49, whatever, sooner or later somebody has to make the hard decisions, and most men have enough self respect they don't want the wife doing it.
I don't mind one bit taking all the crap anybody taking exception to my opinion choses to offer.. I believe what I'm saying, I've got almost 4 decades of reasonably blissful marriage in the books, and my wife and I love each other, and will do so until one of us is "room temperature and toes up".. And at that time the other will wish it were him/her in the box, because we won't be able to bear seeing the other gone....
Be the MAN, love and respect your wife, but keep your nuts in YOUR britches.
Just an old farts opinion.. YMMV
P.S.
I just ordered her a personalized Seecamp LWS32.. She wanted mine, but that wasn't happening....
afraid of guns does not mean hate guns. Ignorance may be the root cause.
Spend 50 bucks and get her to a NRA basic pistol class and see if it doesn't correct the fear, and replace it with knowledge and respect for firearms.
If she is unwilling to try, then you have your answer.
It may be a long shot asking for the class, but consider the risk vs reward of trying before you dump her outright. (cause hey, not like you have anything to lose given the overall opinion is just to dump her immediately)
Spend 50 bucks and get her to a NRA basic pistol class and see if it doesn't correct the fear, and replace it with knowledge and respect for firearms.
If she is unwilling to try, then you have your answer.
It may be a long shot asking for the class, but consider the risk vs reward of trying before you dump her outright. (cause hey, not like you have anything to lose given the overall opinion is just to dump her immediately)
thumper723
Member
If you want to see what happens if you marry a woman like this, please read here:
http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=233379
The end state, is that she got over $140,000 out of me over 4.5 years, and 12% of my military retirement. Even if she remarries.
She lives in my old house. She's buying a condo on the beach where I transferred to (Corpus Christi). I pay $2300+ a month between alimony and bills I got stuck with.
She got any liquid assets we had (401K, Savings, etc)
I live in an RV. I eat ramen. I shoot maybe every other month because I don't have the free $$$ for ammo.
Its your choice.
http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=233379
The end state, is that she got over $140,000 out of me over 4.5 years, and 12% of my military retirement. Even if she remarries.
She lives in my old house. She's buying a condo on the beach where I transferred to (Corpus Christi). I pay $2300+ a month between alimony and bills I got stuck with.
She got any liquid assets we had (401K, Savings, etc)
I live in an RV. I eat ramen. I shoot maybe every other month because I don't have the free $$$ for ammo.
Its your choice.
30 cal slob
Member
PX15 said:
Words to love by. LOL.
sm
member
Agree with others, this is NOT about guns,nor any other material possessions, it is about seeing if she can control and manipulate you, and if so, to what extent.
One chance is all she gets.
Sit her down, be assertive, and call her on her play.
Have her repeat back to you each sentence to make sure she Listened, not just heard, actually listened.
Take time apart afterwards. She either gets brutally honest with herself, and you get brutally with yourself, or this relationship is over.
It takes two to make a relationship work. IF one gives up, It does not matter how hard the one tries, how much money is spent on buying affection, or going to therapy - the relationship is gone, and no reason to waste time on it.
Drop it, go on, and get on with life.
One chance is all she gets.
Sit her down, be assertive, and call her on her play.
Have her repeat back to you each sentence to make sure she Listened, not just heard, actually listened.
Take time apart afterwards. She either gets brutally honest with herself, and you get brutally with yourself, or this relationship is over.
It takes two to make a relationship work. IF one gives up, It does not matter how hard the one tries, how much money is spent on buying affection, or going to therapy - the relationship is gone, and no reason to waste time on it.
Drop it, go on, and get on with life.
Kali Endgame
member
thumper723,
Thanks for helping me remain unmarried forever.
The guns is just the begining. Run as fast as you can. Spend the money from the ring and wedding on guns. That'll make you happy.
Thanks for helping me remain unmarried forever.
The guns is just the begining. Run as fast as you can. Spend the money from the ring and wedding on guns. That'll make you happy.
.
This man speaks the truth.
I might also ask how the relationship got "serious" before the gun issue came
to be important.
It seems to me that guns are part of the early-on info-trading material. I
mean, its not exactly like wedding day type news "Oh by the way sweetie,
I've got a bunch of guns and a garage filled with reloading crap."
This man speaks the truth.
I might also ask how the relationship got "serious" before the gun issue came
to be important.
It seems to me that guns are part of the early-on info-trading material. I
mean, its not exactly like wedding day type news "Oh by the way sweetie,
I've got a bunch of guns and a garage filled with reloading crap."
1911 guy
Member
It's not about the guns.
It's about control. If you cave on the guns, it'll be golf next. Then hanging with your friends. Then your dog, favorite pair of jeans, whatever she decides you need to "improve".
For a "serious" relationship to work, marriage, engagement, living together, whatever, you have to accept each other "as-is". People are not projects. Never allow yourself to become one, never treat someone else as your project.
It's about control. If you cave on the guns, it'll be golf next. Then hanging with your friends. Then your dog, favorite pair of jeans, whatever she decides you need to "improve".
For a "serious" relationship to work, marriage, engagement, living together, whatever, you have to accept each other "as-is". People are not projects. Never allow yourself to become one, never treat someone else as your project.
Hunter0924
Member
The last girl I dated serious I thought was "the one". We had been friends for better than 5 or 6 years before we dated. Her parents loved me and vise versa.
We talked about marriage after 2 years of a committed relationship. For the first time in my life I was almost convinced this was the girl for me. We got along great and she was a beautiful woman. She had a great job and old fashioned morals.
When the time for the talk came I remember her asking me what I was going to do with my firearms after we were married and had children. Since I am a responsible gun owner and keep them locked in my Liberty I saw no problem. She then told me she did not want to live in a house with guns and would not raise our children around them. I missed her for a few months.
There are things in this world that can be compromised on but some things cannot. For me that was one that could not be.
You have to decide in your heart which is more important if you cannot get her to see your side. I have friends who are married to women who do not shoot but are tolerant of their hobby. She does not have to be an enthusiast but at least see your side and appreciate the fact your hobby brings you happiness. In my opinion I would not marry a woman who insisted on such a drastic change and if you do I seriously doubt that will be the last thing she changes.
We talked about marriage after 2 years of a committed relationship. For the first time in my life I was almost convinced this was the girl for me. We got along great and she was a beautiful woman. She had a great job and old fashioned morals.
When the time for the talk came I remember her asking me what I was going to do with my firearms after we were married and had children. Since I am a responsible gun owner and keep them locked in my Liberty I saw no problem. She then told me she did not want to live in a house with guns and would not raise our children around them. I missed her for a few months.
There are things in this world that can be compromised on but some things cannot. For me that was one that could not be.
You have to decide in your heart which is more important if you cannot get her to see your side. I have friends who are married to women who do not shoot but are tolerant of their hobby. She does not have to be an enthusiast but at least see your side and appreciate the fact your hobby brings you happiness. In my opinion I would not marry a woman who insisted on such a drastic change and if you do I seriously doubt that will be the last thing she changes.
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