My girlfriends irrational fear of guns

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It is extremely unhealthy to let the other person in a relationship bully you into giving up something important to you. If it wasn't a gun, it would probably be something else. This isn't really a gun thing, it is a relationship power thing. The gun is just a pretext.
 
been there, done that - DON'T DO IT

The "hiding" bit worked for about a year, then I got really tired of it and found myself getting stressed out. Sneaking off to the range every other week, hiding my one handgun, and then lying about it all, was as emotionally draining as actually having an affair. It was like being under deep cover or something, probably superficially akin to what it must be like for gays to be "in the closet." :eek:

In the end, we both realized that the "gun issue" was a smokescreen for many more underlying incompatabilities. It's tough to admit, especially if it is a long term relationship. For background, the relationship I am describing lasted 3.5 years, with the last year being the "closeted" year. I think you should take a hard look NOW at how things with your girlfriend are REALLY going.

FYI:I am now married to a woman who was a mild anti/fence-sitter when I met her, but just last night was glad to have "insurance" when we heard several bumps in the night. Three years together this summer. There are other, more compatible, women out there, friend.
 
Being anti-gun is generally fixable, and many of us have seen or assisted in conversions from anti- to pro- at the range or elsewhere. I would not dump the girlfriend on that account (unless she maintains an irreconciliable attitude toward guns or any other favored stances of yours).

Being an emotionally abusive spouse is not as fixable, and aside from responding to "I'm going to leave you if you don't do what I say" type threats with "sorry you feel that way, you'd better leave because I will not negotiate with that as a starting point" you need to make VERY sure that the person is crystal clear that conduct like that CANNOT happen in the future if there is any hope to maintaining the relationship.
 
There is an old saying: Women marry men expecting to change them;
men marry women hoping they won't change.

That said, both of you need to go into any level of realtionship you-all
decide to with eyes wide open and not believing the quote above.

That works for me - married 26+ years so far. Only problem with guns between
us is if she likes the new one. "Well, I guess it's yours, dear..."

I highly recommend a read of John Ross' columns about women and marriage at:

http://www.john-ross.net/ross_in_range.htm

Peet

[insert .sig file here]
 
The second or third time I spoke to my then-future wife on the phone I told her I'm a shooter and own guns. She asked me why I told her that, I told her that if she decided she couldn't deal with that she could bail out now before either of us are in a position to get badly hurt.

We've been married for five years now. She's not interested in shooting (although I keep telling her I'm going to take her along). She's not afraid of the guns either. She IS afraid that when I go shooting someone else will be careless and shoot me accidentally, but she also realizes I face more potential danger driving on the highway then shooting at a range. She knows I'm safety conscious to the point of being anal about it.

Put it in a way she can understand. She loves YOU, which means that everything about you is a package, including the guns. If she forces you to change something you'll no longer be the man she loves, you'll be someone else. Unless of course her goal is to change you into what she wants, in which case it's time to put her at the curb no matter what the change she wants is.
 
DontBurnMyFlag

I wouldnt listen to too many of the people here. These are the same people who dont travel, and who told me I need to never go t NYC again sinc ei cannot legally pack there. I mean be realistic ya know? Im not going to sit home an huddle around my ammo pile.

Here is an idea.

MAKE a bargain with your girlfriend. If you truly love her and she is worth the hassle then you will know this to be true. Offer to her that if she goes with you to the range for a few hours and learns how to shoot and is STILL afraid of guns at the end then tell her you will (not get any, buy only 1 for protection, only buy a shotgun etc) you make the terms up. Only you can decide what you can live with.

I had a similar situation, i bought my gun and my girlfriend was mortified of it. All her girlfriends were telling her to leave me because I am apparently a psycho to want a gun to protect my loved ones. I made her a deal, i told her come with me to shoot at the range, if you still think guns go off magically and will kill us just sitting there and are too unsafe to keep by the time we leave then i will get rid of it. (AKA Hide it in my safe ;) ) She agreed, we went to the range, i bought her her own little safety glasses and extra quiet ear protection, and I also bought weaker bullets so that the blast wasnt so bad. (usually i use +p .38's ) We went and i let her empty a box of 200 rounds into a number of targets, by the time we left she was no longer afraid of guns, she wasnt afraid of the sound they made, she wasnt afraid of the recoil she wasnt afraid of guns period. She decided it wasnt that bad afterall.

Fastforward to today.

She reminds me to pack when we are going out to movies or dinner becaus eshe now feels SAFER when She knows i have it on me.

Get that? she felt unsafe before when i had it and now she feels SAFER when i DO have it.
 
Billy The Kid,
We are saying that this issue isn't really about guns, it's about her attempting to exert control upon him. That is not accetable.
 
and then the shocker...."its either me or the guns"
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Whatever you do, do not let her create a precedence for giving you ultimatims. First of all, MAJOR WARNING FLAGS that she would give you an ultimatim so severe about something that you seem to take very seriously and is important to you. THIS INDICATES THAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT OF IMPORTANCE TO HER. I won't simply say, "Kick her to the curb," but take these indicators into account when making your decision.

If you stand up to her and she caves, you'll be on more equal footing going forward. But, it is likely to come back and bite you in the form of, "You love your guns more than me," which may or may not be true.

Be it guns, cats, beef, cars, video games, or anything else that women gripe about, be wary of the way they approach the topic. If something is obviously important to you, by giving you an ultimatim they are indicating their disregard for your feelings.

This will not go away. It is an indicator of your future together.
 
dasmi

Cant say i agree, i think SOME subjects should be handled individually from a persons regular personality. Now if she was telling him he cannot eat meat, cannot go out on Friday nights with friends, has to give up pr0n, cannot drink beer etc then i would say just one more tip of the hat. But from what it SOUNDS like she isnt like that, just pertaining to this one subject. She is literally afraid of guns. So fix the problem, make her not afraid of guns. Dont throw the baby out with the bathwater. What i am amazed by is that if she was saying to give up beer most of you guys saying GET RID OF HER GUNS ARE MORE IMPORTANT would probably find a way to strike a compromise.

IN her mind she is trying to defend herself and her man, in your mind shes trying to control him, i dont think she is trying to control him, but to make them safer, as misguided as it is. She still has learning potential.
 
TechBrute

you neglect to think, if theyre that important to him ,maybe theyre that important to her? She has some anti gunner programming to overcome, but the ultimatum on her part sounds more like speaking from fear, not speaking from being a bossy controlling woman.
 
Nope, it's about control.
It would be different if she said "it's either me or that hot young secretary at work I know you're doing." This is something that he loves, and is a part of his life. If she isn't willing to accept that, then she needs to go. But, it doesn't really matter what you and I think, so lets wait for our friend to return with a situation report.
 
TechBrute

you neglect to think, if theyre that important to him ,maybe theyre that important to her? She has some anti gunner programming to overcome, but the ultimatum on her part sounds more like speaking from fear, not speaking from being a bossy controlling woman.
Click to expand...
I haven't neglected anything. He's obviously tried to alleviate her fear, and gotten nowhere. The ONLY people that give ultimatims are bossy, controlling people. If it's that important to her, then she should be ready to leave if he makes that decision. Relationships are ALL about compromise, and she's not willing to compromise. That speaks volumes. I certainly HOPE it's that important to her since she's apparently willing to kick our buddy here to the curb based on her narrow view of the world. I'd hate to think she'd be so demanding about something she doesn't care about.

I don't care what the subject is, any time a women has given me an ultimatim, I've shown them the door. Now I'm with a woman who doesn't really care for guns, but we discuss things that are bothering us. We don't demand! It really sounds like this girl needs to do some growing up before she'd be ready for a relationship, anyway. An irrational fear of guns, giving ultimatims instead of rational discussion and compromise, etc. Phffffft...
 
dasmi

sorry, youre wrong. And until the OP posts more info about his and her relationship youll continue to be wrong.
 
TechBrute

Nonsense, all kinds of people give ultimatums, especially in relationships when there is a crossroad and one person is afraid of danger.

If he was a drug addict and she said "its either me or the drugs" im willing to bet youd be on her side. Would she be saying that because she is bossy? hell no, shed be saying it because she is trying to scare him straight.

How do you know he's tried everything? you sound more like youre speaking form personal experience than the OP... he said he hasnt brought her shooting yet. THAT is usually what turns people around and alleviates thier fear of guns IMO. Because they get to see, smell and hear and feel how it is to shoot. We need mroe info from the OP not silly guessing games.
 
.... the ultimatum on her part sounds more like speaking from fear, not speaking from being a bossy controlling woman.
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Billy ~

It doesn't actually matter if she's speaking from fear or not. I'm sure she really is afraid, and that she would benefit from patient instruction and a trip to the range.

But that's not the issue.

The issue is the tactics she's using to change him, not her motives for doing so.

Grown ups do not use emotional blackmail in their intimate relationships. Period.

She has resorted to emotional blackmail.

Therefore, she's not yet a grown up.

Since she isn't yet a grown up, she's a dangerous choice for a mate. Maybe she's educable, which is why I posted as I did before. Sadly, it's more likely that she's not, which is why so many posters have said, "Leave her!"

But if the OP does like most young men in love, instead of either standing strong or leaving, he will try to negotiate from a position of weakness -- eg, he'll say something like, "If you let me keep my guns, I'll ..." By starting off the conversation that way, he would be conceding that she has the right to commit emotional blackmail, that she has the right to dictate what he may or may not own, that she has veto power over his life choices.

That's not a recipe for a healthy relationship. It's a recipe for disaster.

pax

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. -- Mike Tyson
 
If he was a drug addict and she said "its either me or the drugs" im willing to bet youd be on her side. Would she be saying that because she is bossy? hell no, shed be saying it because she is trying to scare him straight.
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We're not talking about drugs, we're talking about his hobby, his likes, and his safety. If you can't see the difference, I really don't know what can be said to you. FWIW, if he was on drugs, she needs to hit the door and say, "I might be back when you're clean," not give an ultimatim.
 
Nope, it's about control.
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Don'tBurnMyFlag... don't look now, but she's burning your flag man.
Be the Man, express your love and all, but stand firm and enjoy your time together with her and with your firearms.
 
TechBrute,
I see now. Man, we're soooo lucky.

Makes it easier for me to ignore the folks here who have been doing some of this stuff for decades when I don't like their input :D
 
No Dating until you are 25.

Don't Burn,
Please do not take offense
How old are you?

If I had to guess I would say early 20s on the outside, and that is too young for a serious relationship. The reason I am saying this is that I think your reaction betrays a lack of maturity that can only be gained with experience.

She attempted to manipulate you. You said you might hide your guns. What the hell happened to your self-respect? I want you to look into the mirror and say "Mommy told me I can't have guns, but I will show her, I'll just hide them". Say it out loud. Do you feel revulsion and anger right now? Do something about it.

She attempted a power game, and that is unacceptable. She was looking to have her feelings validated and get her self-esteem bolstered or some psychobabble. But she was doing it at your expense. Typically, women who do that do not change. She might decide to allow you to have guns, but she knows that she is still in control. I would put money down that within 12 months she attempts to increase her power to control you by "forgetting" contraceptives. Ooops. 18 years.

My advice in a word: "Leave." Do it now. Or tell your kids in a few years what you might have done if you waited.

DW
Assistant Professor
Leykis 101
 
She feels love is conditional

From your post I guess it isn't for you. You are between a rock and a hard place with this. My vote is kick her to the curb. There are other women out there that are less controlling. Find one.
Good luck,
never give up anything you hold dear willingly. You will despise yourself for it!
 
Billy, you too sound really young

If he was a drug addict and she said "its either me or the drugs" im willing to bet youd be on her side. Would she be saying that because she is bossy? hell no, shed be saying it because she is trying to scare him straight.
Click to expand...

HELL NO! I would still say chase her to the curb with a stick.

Did he do X when they first got together? Why was it acceptable then and not now? Has she been attempting to manipulate him to change him the whole time? Who is being unfair?

If the guy did drugs/was a loser, then she needed to leave as soon as she saw it. She should not attempt to "rule" him.

What the hell happened to you that you think it is OK if some GF tells you what to do "if it is for your own good"? Sounds pretty darn NYC to me.

DW
Assistant Professor
Leykis 101
 
You should read the following, in this order, from fellow THR member John Ross:

http://www.john-ross.net/abby.htm
http://www.john-ross.net/advice.htm
http://www.john-ross.net/doormat.htm
http://www.john-ross.net/marriage.htm
http://www.john-ross.net/marriage_ii.htm

Everyone else has covered the other takes quite adequately.

If I were in your shoes, it wouldn't make any difference about how much I loved her to death, how cute she is, how good she is in bed or anything else. The appropriate response to any ultimatium from a girlfriend or a spouse is "Next, please!"
 
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