ccw and wifey

[romma]

When I started dating my current live in/girlfriend,, my application for my permit was already filed with my State. I told here about it, and also told her that I intended to buy pistol and carry concealed after it arrived.

Had she not approved, I would have moved on and dated other people.

She has her permit (I set her up) but doesn't carry. She is a good shot though at the range.

 

[Bobo]

My wife gets nervous when she sees a gun close by... I get nervous when there isn't a gun close by

She's not nervous because she never sees a gun...I'm not nervous because we are protected

How? SmartCarry 24/7!

Out of sight -- Out of mind.

 

[MJZZZ]

There are certain things in life I don't allow to be dictated to me. How I protect my family and when I carry my CCW are two of them. My wife doesn't like guns, but she never tries to interfere. Since I bought my CZ 75 and Kadet .22 kit, she now shoots with me. Concealed is concealed and I have carried in places that it was not allowed. I have excepted the fact that bad things can happen anywhere to anyone, and if it happens to us while I'm not armed then I would except the blame. You really need to put your foot down. Mike

 

[RPCVYemen]

I'm not sure that you are going to find the answers on THR.

My sense is that every action that I take in my marriage is either strengthening or weakening my marriage. I don't much get into he power games of "Nobody can tell me what to do!" That just seems silly - but that's my marriage not yours. We talk through all major decisions, and the decision to carry/not carry would be a big one.

I would suggest that you sit and talk - if the issue is that important to you, then it might be worth having that conversation with the help of a marriage counselor. If you think that you can't afford a counselor, then talk with somone that's been through a divorce!

I think that for this to work, you would have to enter into this conversation with the open mind that you want her to have!

It could come to the point where you have to decide whether you want to carry more than you want to be married. That's obviously a very personal decision - go into it with your eyes open.

My wife is very anti. I do not carry, but I don't perceive any need to carry, so that's not an issue for us. I target shoot and reload - after a lot of discussion. I have taken my a nephew, a niece, my son and my daughter shooting. She does her best to understand why I like to shoot, and I am punctilious about safety around the home.

It would be very cool if she enjoyed shooting. But she's a Quaker - as was I when we got married. She it not likely to ever change her mind, and that's life. People are not a Chinese dinner - no substitutions allowed.

I took a very serious vow when we got married, promising "with the help of God, to be a faithful and loving husband to her, so long as we both shall live." To my mind, that vow was a recognition of a solemn commitment made with the blessing of G-d to work as hard as I could at building and maintaining that relationship. Even though I am no longer a Quaker, I am still bound by that vow, and grateful every day that G-d and that my wife have blessed me with the marriage I have.

You may need to think very hard about the kind of marriage you want, and understand the inflexibility on any major issue may start you down a road you really don't want to go. Maybe you don't mind going down that road, and maybe you really don't want to go down that road. But one thing is very clear - you don't have any control over her inflexibility; you can only control your own.

I won't be offended if you don't want be be married the way that I am married. But I will let you know that I am very happy to be married the way that I am married.

Mike

 

[crebralfix]

It's your life and therefore your choice.

If she won't get in the car with you, then she can drive in a different one. My wife tried that c@#$% once and I went without her.

Fortunately, I brought up the gun thing when we were dating and told her this is how I am and I will not change. Three years into the marriage, she tried to get me to compromise. I told her absolutely NO. Then she tried the "Well, if you love me you'll change for me."

I said "absolutely #$%^%$#$%$#$%$#@#$%$# NO...and it's not negotiable. You were warned when we dated and warned again before we married."

I stood my ground and refused to let her run over me. I think we have a better marriage because of it...we respect each other's boundaries. This is something some couples don't seem to get very well. My advice to you is to carry. If she gives you a difficult time, then establish the boundary. Explain your reasons and cite local crime examples (get the crime report for your county). But, make sure that boundary is written in stone...don't be wishy-washy because she'll run right over it if you are not resolute. And, there's just no arguing over: "It's my life and I'm going to protect it."

Now, we don't have trouble with it. I just don't bug her to go shooting or talk about weapons with her. That's her boundary, so I respect it.

 

[sonofodin]

Lots of good advice put out here. I think it all boils down to what kind of man you are. Are you a talking man? Are you a compromising man? Personally, I am willing to discuss it and make it known that I hunt, I fish, I shoot and own guns and knives and thats the way its going to be. No woman is going to make me stop owning or enjoying these sports and things. It's simply not worth it. If you can love a woman, you can love another one thats easier to get along with. Leave the whiny, b!7chy girls to the guys who don't have the stones to stand up to them. To me, the man is the head of a household. He works the hardest (or should) and what he says, goes. I know this changes when you get married because you have to let her say her part and try to compromise on her part but why, stay with me, why should I compromise to MY loss when you wont be able to compromise to her loss? ever. Again, I went through it with my ex. Her parents were scientologists or whatever and did not even own guns. That was fine until she started letting her parents, through her, dictate ME owning guns. Nein, das ist verboten. Get your friggen stones out of her pocket, man. Don't tell me all this lovey washy wishy stuffy, thats what I would expect to hear from your old lady.

 

[RPCVYemen]

Why should I compromise to MY loss when you wont be able to compromise to her loss?

For my own marriage, I gave up on the "win" and "loss" tracking a long time ago.

Again, I went through it with my ex.

I am hoping to never have one of those "ex" things. From one I have heard from friends that have those "ex" things, they can be expensive and annoying.

I took a vow. My vow didn't include "until I think she's winning, and I am losing - then if's over". Mine was something like "as long as we both shall live." I walked into it wide open, and I feel as sure as I can be of anything in this world that G-d brought us together.

But I do understand that my marriage might not be very attractive to you. That's OK with me.

More seriously, if our security situation deteriorated to the point that I felt a strong need to carry, I'd be having some difficult discussions with my wife.

Mike

 

[Notch]

I hope the best for you, but the huge difference in viewpoints concerning firearms was the undoing of my last relationship. After a few years of nary a comment concerning my collecting it turned into "You have enough rifles, I dont want any more in the house" I am all about compromise ( its the only way to have a lasting relationship) but I will not be bossed around by any man or woman that was not my parents, and they have been gone for a long time. Once again, good luck.

 

[george_co]

My wife and I have been married 21 years now. We were 33 when we got married, it was the first marriage for both of us. I tell you this because it is important to understand where you are starting from.

My wife is anti-gun, a good english teacher and NEA member. I hunted and fished a lot before we were married, but slowly stopped the hunting over the years as other priorities took over my life. I shot bullseye in college. Always had guns in the house but they really weren't out there in her field of vision.

After Columbine and 9/11 with all of the scares that came after that I decided to start shooting again, then decided to get a CCW just for convenience mostly due to Denver's laws, and then decided to start carrying.

So from my wife's point of view I had turned 180 degrees from having guns, but not really using them, to carrying all the time. She tried to talk me out of it, point out how ridiculous it is to take it to the store,etc, etc.

I told her that I took a marriage vow to protect her and by extension our children, and that the only way that I was going to truly win the argument was for something really bad to happen to my family. So I told her that I hoped that I never get to WIN the argument, but that I am going to carry with or without her permission. For the most part she has "accepted" the fact that I am going to carry and only occassionally does she ask "Do you really think you are going to need that there?" To which I usually respond, "If I thought I was going to need it, I wouldn't go there."

I know my wife, I know how she is going to react to situations, I know that she respects my right to disagree with her, the same way I respect her right to disagree with me. She knows that I am stubborn, and I will do what I think is right regardless of what others think. My wife will never go shooting with me, she will never understand, such is life.

So the moral of this whole essay is: Each relationship is unique you have to approach your wife in a way that recognizes the uniqueness of your relationship, taking into consideration the amount of trust and love that you have built up. I wish you the best of luck in choosing your path. Remember that patience is a virtue.

George

 

[AJ Dual]

I can't carry in WI, yet… so that's a moot point, but I've butted heads with my wife over firearms ownership at various times/places as well. And then she turns around and argues pro-gun positions with people at various times. Or on two occasions, got me a firearm for my birthday. Or, while not exactly bragging, at other times she will mention my gun ownership and shooting as something interesting of note.

Then one day, five steps backward, "Now that I'm expecting, you're going to store the guns at your parent's house now…"

"Sorry sweetie, I don't think so." Pouting and foot stamping ensued, and a day later it was over.

Then two years later, she's asking me for help with pro-gun arguments and advice on her "mommy board" for a woman who had a close brush with a home invasion, and is considering buying a gun.

So I know where the "inconsistency" thing is coming from.

Since she "allows" you to own guns in your home, and carry them when not with her, unless she has one specific irrational fear (as how Pax mentioned fear of embarrassment if you got made), it's a control/dominance issue in your marriage, and not really a "gun issue" at all, and you need to address it as such.

 

[fishingjld]

good news

on the way home from target today i had "the talk" again with her. i asked what was the basic feelings of uneasiness that she is feeling. she said she wants to know that i am understanding of the laws and understanding of when i could use my firearm if necessary. i went through all of it and the laws that i have memorized just for this talk and for real world ccw use. and she said she understood. i told her i want to be able to protect my son and she is cool now. so i feel like things are looking up on my end. she may never go to the range with me or get her own ccw but at least i know that while they are with me i can protect. thanks again guys for all your help.

 

[JerryM]

Hopefully there will be a good solution to the problem. I would say that any advice to get another wife is very foolish. If I had to choose between carrying or even owning guns and my wife, my guns would go and my wife stay.

The odds of ever needing a gun for defense is in the thousands or maybe millions to one, and while it could happen to any one of us, it is highly unlikely. Maybe some places that some hang out might make the odds more likely to need a gun, but I would prefer to stay far away from those places and people.

In November we will celebrate our 53rd anniversary. I do know what is important in my life, and except for the Lord Jesus, my wife is more important than anything or anyone. Sometimes the "ex" discussion is a result of not placing enough importance on the spouse, and the covenant we make when we wed.

Regards,
Jerry

 

[RPCVYemen]

If I had to choose between carrying or even owning guns and my wife, my guns would go and my wife stay.

You speak my mind.

In November we will celebrate our 53rd anniversary.

I am thinking that's not by accident.

I do know what is important in my life, and except for the Lord Jesus, my wife is more important than anything or anyone. Sometimes the "ex" discussion is a result of not placing enough importance on the spouse, and the covenant we make when we wed.

Some folks take their commitments more seriously than others.

I respect you, sir. And you wife for putting up with you all those years!

Mike

 

[JerryM]

Hi Mike,
[And you wife for putting up with you all those years!]

Now that may be the most accurate thing you have ever said. Early in our marriage I was very selfish and self centered. Through the years she has shown me, by her example, how to love her more than myself. BOY, I wish I had learned that many years ago.
I doubt many or any other woman would have put up with me.

If one finds an excellent wife, he has found the most precious thing this world has to offer, and in our old age we find peace, and a depth of love and respect for one-another that we could have not realized early in our marriage. I still find a thrill in just touching her hand. I would wish every couple could experience that in their old age. It far exceeds any love for my guns or hunting. She never tried to discourage me from either.

Off topic a little, but maybe the mods will let me get away with it this time. It is certainly germane to the discussion of wife vs guns.

Thanks, and best regards,
Jerry

 

[WeThePeople]

JerryM:

I hope that I can still say what you did after 40 more years.

I have often been amazed at the number of guys on this forum who say that their wives would go before their guns and then say that they need the guns to protect their family. Seems like double-talk to me.

I think that the big picture is to marry someone who shares your ideals and then grow together to build a strong relationship. Way too many people go into marriage thinking that they will either change the other person or get a divorce. That's poor planning in my opinion.

 

[VHinch]

I have to agree with carrying anyway, and making your best effort to make her understand your point of view, even if she doesn't necessarily agree with it.

My wife has also always been pretty much gun neutral. Not an anti, just no use for them either. She has never had a problem with me carrying, though it did take a while for her to get used to the fact that I don't leave the house without a gun, even if it's to go for a walk in the neighborhood. Recently, her attitude on guns has taken a major turn. We just had a little girl, and she now has a heightened interest in learning to be able to properly defend herself and our daughter. We aren't quite up to carrying yet, but she does make range trips with me to practice, and she is now interested in at least having a gun with her in the car if not directly on her person.

JerryM-
I can't begin to tell you how much I respect you after reading those two posts.

V

 

[romma]

I think this one of the best threads ever on this board. No matter which viewpoint you have.

I can see both sides, and even the "in betweens"!

 

[cloudedice]

I'm not married yet, but my fiancee is afraid of guns and knives. I've made it clear that I intend to carry, however, and she's expressed that she doesn't have a problem with it.

She seems more afraid of them accidentally going off, like the knife I carry might accidentally stab me all on it's own. I still think there's hope for her.

 

[Pilgrim]

When I started carrying, my ex-PMS used to give me grief about carrying all the time. That changed when we found ourselves in a not nice part of town and she asked, "Do you have it?"

Pilgrim

 

[pete f]

I think this comes down to position of the demasculization of America. There are roles in marriage, wives have been given a different skill set than men, and husbands a different set than women.

Women do not control a husband they love, if they control him, they lose respect for him as a man. Men do not control their wives, but love them and try to set an example of strength and control.

Pax, I like most of what you say, and where you are coming from, but this is one time where I have to disagree. When a man marries a woman, he takes a pledge, a vow, to honor and cherish his wife. That does not mean in the new context of treating her as if every thing she says is right and that he must obey her to cherish her. Cherish means to care for to the utmost. That means defending her, caring for her, respecting her.

Men are also wired differently. We are exposed to threats much earlier and more bluntly than women are. It starts at the playground or in the family almost as soon as you are old enough to function. Tommy is playing with the truck you want to play with, am I strong enough to go get it, or am I going to get punched in the nose for trying. There is a pecking order established, and we are forced to understand the signs of that pecking order very early or else pay for it. That means being much more aware of threats, of body language, and of eye language than women. Women hear words, men hear tone and sounds.

I have been places where the sound has changed and I have told my family or friends that it's time to go, and we find out later fights or worse have happened. Often the women are oblivious to it and the rest of the men are going Uh-Oh!!!

I believe that women at times need to just flat out listen to their husbands, if they respect them, they will do that. Its the role defined by society to defend the family that men need to do, or it emasculates them. This does not mean the husband does not love her, or that he does not care for her feelings, but rather he has decided that keeping her safe is more important than temporarily keeping her happy.

 

[kungfuhippie]

pete f +1000

I just need to add that men are visually wired where as women are audiably wired-A man notices body language, eye language, hand gestures, etc. He is more aware of his surroundings. Where as a woman focus in on what is said, and (though it's a disagreement) the tone and pitch, or how it's said. This is why my mother, girl friend, and sisters will say,"I don't like you tone" where as my buddies, dad, and other men would first say,"don't look at me like that" There are natural reasons for this. Talk to a biologist about hunter gatherer traits.

 

[langenc]

My wife acceptied carry. Right now she is on the phone with daughter who is in the Detroit area. Wife is saying her friend is signed up for class and so would she (wife) except Im taking her to the Soo that weekend for Kids day and 22 BR shoot.

I dont know why daughter brought up the issue.

 

[Havegunjoe]

What exactly is her fear? I would have a heart to heart with her. She does not need to shoot herself but after all you have been through I would say that you are sorry but you will carry for the protection of both of you. You are not asking her to carry after all. She doesn't even have to like guns. You are an adult and can make that kind of decision without her permission. If she doesn't want to ride with you, ride separately. I think that will soon come to an end. But I would try to get to the source of her attitude. Don't let her say she just doesn't like guns, she has to have a reason. You have been robbed and attacked and unless she has a better alternative to you carrying a gun she is just going to have to compromise on this one.

"@Havegunjoe


Quote:
She does not need to shoot herself

Unfortunate wording, that."

Got me there, sorry about that.

 

[jlbraun]

@Havegunjoe

She does not need to shoot herself

Unfortunate wording, that.

 

[RPCVYemen]

Women do not control a husband they love, if they control him, they lose respect for him as a man. Men do not control their wives, but love them and try to set an example of strength and control.

There are a lot of different kinds of relationships out there. I would typify mine as more of a "partnership for life" than a "command and control" type.

I think this comes down to position of the demasculization of America.

I am getting the impression that there are a lot of THR'ers out there who have more deeply rooted "demasculization" fears than I do.

Evil