How do you tell someone that you carry?

[jlbraun]

If after a long, trusting relationship where she's invested herself in you, and comes to know you for who you are and has concluded you are a good guy, she may not be as shocked. Before that . . . well . . . go ahead and do it and see how it works out for you.

Didn't work for me. 3-year relationship, totally trusting & honest, she found out I liked guns and wanted to keep one in the house - she was absolutely against it and left a vapor trail on her way out.

Upfront from the beginning seems to be working so far.

 

[TonyB]

Here's the list of people who"need to know" :wife/or significant other;kids(if they can keep a secret);and anyone who's attacking you....although it should be an unwelcome surprise to the latter
Some of my shooting buddies know if I do or don't
my Brother in law the other day said"well you probably have a gun on you right now,right?"I just smiled and said"maybe"..as a rule I don't say either way.If someone figures it out,I MAY come clean.....or change the subject(depends on the person)......If dating I'd wait till it got serious.Although shooting is such a big part of my life,I'm sure the subject would come up before too long.Not that have to worry about it..I'm married,and my wife gets mad if I don''t carry..she once said"Well what if we get attacked?What will you do,give him a stern talking too?"gotta love her....

 

[kellyj00]

"Didn't work for me. 3-year relationship, totally trusting & honest, she found out I liked guns and wanted to keep one in the house - she was absolutely against it and left a vapor trail on her way out."

I'm sure that hurt at first...but did you really want to be with a woman like that anyhow? If you're as into guns as I am, you better find one who is at least neutral on the subject.

 

[jlbraun]

kellyj00, yes it did hurt! However, if I had brought it up right away, it would have hurt less when it was <1year in rather than >3years in.

Therefore, I advocate the "gently, but as soon as possible" school of thought.

 

[ShooterMcGavin]

Here's the list of people who"need to know" :wife/or significant other;kids(if they can keep a secret);and anyone who's attacking you

Roommates are out, huh? Do you wear a long, covering shirt at all times in your house, in order to conceal? Well, I don't want to, certainly not in the summer.

I don't just tell anyone that I carry. Even the few friends who know I carry, are never certain if I am carrying or not. (hint: I am always carrying, but I rarely admit it) They sometimes spot a clip on my belt to tip them off.

It sounds like there are a lot of different experiences here, but there is not a definite answer. I guess the answer on "when to tell a sig-other about your carrying?" is: it depends on the person. I think, more often, a little earlier is better than a little later. Less time is waisted in building the relationship. I am sorry to hear about your troubles, jlbraun.

I am not in a rush to tell anyone, even someone I am casually dating. It is much less worrying, once I have established the precedent that 'I will hug you with my hands on your waist'.

 

[ZeSpectre]

This tends to be a case-by-case basis. However you've reminded me of a friend's story from a number of years back (when CCW was FAR less common than it is now).

Keeping in mind that he was a firearms instructor at the time this happened.

Her: Can we make a date for (fill in the blank)
Him: Umm, sorry, I have to teach a class and won't be out until late.
Her: Oh, what are you teaching
Him: Firearms qualification classes
Loooooooong pause
Her: Wow, you mean you have a gun
Him: Yes

They've been married for about 10 years now last time I talked to them <grin>.

 

[scurtis_34471]

Get a SmartCarry holster (aka Thunderwear). Next time you kiss her, give her a tight squeeze. When she asks if you're "happy to see her" or something along those lines, you can reply, "Actually,..."

 

[Rich K]

I don't. It is noone's business but mine, unless I am in a car accident and have to be transported via ambulance, or a LEO request for ID.

 

[Big Calhoun]

Personally, I never broached the subject with anyone I was 'courting'. Just wasn't worth the aggravation. Now, once I got married, it was more of a declariation, "...Oh yeah, Dear, I'm going to take my class for my concealed handgun license in a couple of weeks." -- I didn't leave it open for discussion.

I could understand where you're coming from though. I very much believe in openess and honesty in relationships, especially if you think it will advance and be for the long term. I like your idea of just inviting her out to the range. Let her shoot a little bit or watch you shoot, guage her mood, and maybe pop it into the middle of a conversation.

 

[Sage of Seattle]

Putting more thought into this, ShooterMcGavin, I guess I should also probably mention that I'm a strong proponent of open carry, so I guess the thought of strangers knowing about my carrying doesn't bother me overmuch.

Naturally, YMMV.

 

[peacemaker45]

It's just not a big secret with me. My entire family knows, and any friend who's either been to my house, or is also a shooting buddy. Part of it is that I don't go for super duper ultra deep concealment, just OWB with a cover garment. If I'm at home, then I'm not wearing the cover garment. I.E., Open carry. Go out, and I toss on the overshirt, or jacket, or whatever I'm wearing that day. It's concealed from people I don't know, but I can't get my brain around the idea of being an "In the closet," gun owner. The only issue I've had with it was my last G/F didn't mind guns, just got really squeamish about the idea of one being cocked and locked.

Chances are, at some point, early in the relationship, the girl's gonna be at my house for some reason. She'll see the thing strapped to my hip, and the usual response is something like "Do you have a permit for that?" I say yeah, and it might or might not go further than that.

~~~Mat

 

[Moondancer]

My wife is not "into" guns in any way, shape, or form. When we were first dating, I never brought it up. I didn't have a CCW at the time.

The first night there was a sleep-over, I said "just so you know, there's a gun under the edge of the mattress on that side of the bed and it's loaded."

Nothing more was said.

I distinctly remember at one point in our relationship that I made the statement "I have guns. I've had guns since I was 16. (I was 45 at that time... third marriage don't ya know!) I'm too old to change, I like them, and I'm not going to get rid of them. If you can't live with that, tell me now before we get any more serious."

We've been married for 4 1/2 years and it's never been an issue. Well, the amount of money I spend on them has been the subject of some discussion, but not really what I spent it on. My response the first time "You've already got XX guns, what do you need another one for?" was "You've already got XX diamonds, what do you want another one for?" Long silence after that, followed by "Okay... I get the point!"

 

[PaladinX13]

Almost always, I'm upfront about it right from the get-go since things don't usually get that far if someone doesn't even know what you do for fun (unavoidable ice-breaker, IMHO). It helps if your interests are well-rounded and diverse... you love to do a number of things AND shoot guns, you're not JUST a gun nut (if that's your only hobby, you can still get yourself a liberal girl, but you better have some other outstanding qualities!). Being open minded helps too... that does not mean compromising your values or beliefs, but being able to understand theirs at least. Just remember, you might be the only gun owner they may ever meet, do your best to represent us well! Even with only incidental contact, they can walk away with the seed in their mind, "That guy was completely normal AND he likes guns."

Not sure how to break it to someone who doesn't know except be honest and stick to it being about you, don't try to make it about her and what she should believe. I wouldn't get into any arguments about it or debates unless you're sure you can get your points across civilly (I fear a lot of people lack this talent). I wouldn't try to convince her of a "plausible" need, but- if you must- stick to principles and ideals that lead you to carry, not statistics or fear.

If you really like each other, I don't expect it to be an issue either way, so don't make it a big issue. If you're weirded out by it or seem ashamed of it, it might just reinforce the attitude that guns are fetishes/aberrant in her. It should just be another part of you as a person. So, IMHO, you do need to let her know, but don't make it an issue... only address it if she makes it an issue.

 

[miko]

...but I do not want scare her when I first bring up the fact that I carry. How do you gently broach the topic that you carry, to someone who is not very comfortable or familiar with guns??

I would do it along those lines:
As soon as a case of shooting/robbery comes in the news, I'd discuss what we would do in case that happened to us.

"Honey, if we are faced with a threat, I shove you partially behind me and to the left, as if I am shielding you from danger and then raise my hands to the shoulder level and try to keep the bad guy's attention on my open palms.
Meanwhile you retrieve the snub from the small of my back or my pants pocket and clutch it to your chest, preferably behind a purse, or down behind your leg.
When the moment comes, I will make a move to the side, attracting the BG's attention while going for my primary gun. That's when you open fire and don't stop untl the chamber is empty."

Let's practice that a few times now so it comes off smooth.

miko

 

[ShooterMcGavin]

As soon as a case of shooting/robbery comes in the news, I'd discuss what we would do in case that happened to us.

I hate to say this, but we all got that with the shooting at VT yesterday My heart goes out to the victims and their families!

I still have an issue with those who claim that they would 'never tell anyone' they carry. Ok, maybe that's good for you. If a girl asks me the question, "would you ever carry a gun?", then concealment is probably coming out. I may not be upfront about the gun, but I am not going to lie either. That is a sure way to end a relationship.

Last night, even my mom commented, "are you concerned for your safety? you carry a lot of stuff". I carry 1 full-size gun, pepper spray, a pocket knife, a cell phone, a tiny fake wallet, and a small flashlight. I am working with her to better understand.

 

[PaladinX13]

I hate to say this, but we all got that with the shooting at VT yesterday My heart goes out to the victims and their families!

Amen. I would NOT use VT as a talking point, especially this soon (both after the event and in your relationship). Right now she's probably being inundated by negative attitudes towards guns from seemingly authoritative sources. Emotions and fears are running high over rational thought.

Even if she wasn't, imagine her thinking about how the whole thing seemingly started over a romantic tiff... I'm sure Cho's ex did not ever expect her boyfriend to come back and shoot her when they first started dating. It might scare her to put herself in those same shoes (without a full picture of the vast night-n-day difference between yourself and Cho; remember, if you make it about guns all she's going to focus on is the guns).

If you must talk about VT (and who isn't), I wouldn't focus on guns but talk about larger issues of action vs. non-action. Talk about heroes like Professor Librescu. Purport that a true citizen's concerns go beyond his own welfare and spring out of free-will conviction, not state-demanded duty or dereliction ("you must wait for help from on-high"). I think these are ideals that few can contest and lay the groundwork for a later discussion on why you carry.

You do not want to be a Rambo-wannabe or vigilante in her eyes nor a paranoid fear-monger expecting impending doom, but someone who has decided to be equipped to stop evil should it arise.

 

[gezzer]

Never Tell!

No need to. Telling creates the problem SHUT UP!