How do you tell someone that you carry?

[ShooterMcGavin]

First, let me state that I am very secretive about my choice to carry!! I am not looking for ways to tell everyone that I carry, nor anyone who is not a very close friend. If you think your gun can and should be concealed from every other person in your life, then we simply disagree.

I believe that there are some people in my life who I need to have the gun-talk with, before they just spot it on me - roommate, potential girlfriend, maybe someone else who visits my house regularly or spontaneously. I open carry when I am in my house, so it's ridiculous to think I am going to conceal my gun from my roommate. It's my house - I want to be comfortable.

Here's the (or "a") scenario... I started dating a girl (1 date so far), who is kinda liberal. She does not know I carry. We have talked about guns, briefly, and she is not comfortable with them. Oddly, she did express an attraction to swords. She didn't say she "hates" guns or anything, but she does not see a need. She does see the importance of self-defense and she does carry pepper spray. I see the potential to change her thinking about guns, but I do not want scare her when I first bring up the fact that I carry. How do you gently broach the topic that you carry, to someone who is not very comfortable or familiar with guns??

Do you start by supposing a plausible need for defense or a past circumstance that warranted a gun, and then go into "you should know that I carry a gun for such a situation"? I'm thinking that's the way to do it, especially if you cite a past threat/tragedy. It says that "I carry a gun and there is a good reason". If I invite her out to the range for a date (in order to tell her), she will realize that I own and carry a gun, and she might find that method to be evasive. I don't like that. Do you just come out, after an awkward silence, and say "I carry a gun!"? Do you have another method, beside brandishing?

 

[Sage of Seattle]

The last two non-family people I talked with about handguns and carrying were both very positive experiences. When the topic happened to fall on crime or self-defense, I think I just asked straight out, "what do you think of it" and went from there. I ended up not saying directly if I carry or not, but I did reinforce the idea of it and gave a few examples of my own life as a way of not justifying it, but rather, helping to explain how rational, caring people can and do make the decision to carry a firearm.

In your case, I might very well invite the GF-hopeful over to your home where you are most comfortable, and then open carry there with another person or two present. Invite a few friends of yours over who know you carry and/or who carry themselves and just have a sit-down then and talk about it. I would have the other people present not to provide intimidation but to support you as a nice guy who happens to carry.

I always feel saying things like, "I like you, I want to spend time with you, I want to know what you think" can work wonders. Success isn't guaranteed, naturally, but you have nothing to lose by simply stating how you feel toward her.

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out.

 

[BullfrogKen]

I simply don't talk about it.


Guys in Study Group, or folks who are of the same mind know, because we all know each other do. I assume they do, they assume I do. Its unspoken.

Even family members aren't really aware of it. The know me, who I am, and what I do. I just never bring that up. I don't feel compelled to evangalize my choice among others not similarly inclined.


If you feel so compelled, I suggest you let a long, personal and trusting relationship develop, with anyone - not just this girl - before having a discussion where you reveal that about yourself. And taking girls to the range who don't like guns for a second date probably ensures you won't have a third. Discussions about self-defense, pepper spray, interests in guns, and attempting to take her to the range on a date makes most folks not holding the same interests uncomfortable. Once you tell her you also carry a gun, I'll put money down that she'll decide to find someone more "normal" to her way of thinking and move on. If after a long, trusting relationship where she's invested herself in you, and comes to know you for who you are and has concluded you are a good guy, she may not be as shocked. Before that . . . well . . . go ahead and do it and see how it works out for you. You're young, and there's plenty of girls out there.

Not exactly S&T advice . . . but kinda, sorta. Good luck in however you decide to reveal that.

 

[KONY]

If you feel so compelled, I suggest you let a long, personal and trusting relationship develop, with anyone - not just this girl - before having a discussion where you reveal that about yourself. And taking girls to the range who don't like guns for a second date probably ensures you won't have a third. Discussions about self-defense, pepper spray, interests in guns, and attempting to take her to the range on a date makes most folks not holding the same interests uncomfortable. Once you tell her you also carry a gun, I'll put money down that she'll decide to find someone more "normal" to her way of thinking and move on. If after a long, trusting relationship where she's invested herself in you, and comes to know you for who you are and has concluded you are a good guy, she may not be as shocked. Before that . . . well . . . go ahead and do it and see how it works out for you. You're young, and there's plenty of girls out there.

+1 ... probably some of the best advice I've come across in a good while.

 

[Jimmie]

Or do what I did... marry a girl whose Dad asks you, "Are you going to carry IWB or OWB?"

Good luck with your new girl... hopefully she sees the light. Kid gloves... kid gloves.

 

[sm]

I don't.

I choose to be around like kind.

I am around those of "non-like kind".

For both types I simply don't say anything.

 

[Pax Jordana]

Ken, I would submit that there MUST be S&T involved in meeting with the opposite sex (or anyone, up to the point when you know you can trust them).. anyone who thinks otherwise is set to be walked on

For one, if she's agreed to the shooting date and it's going well, let her shoot your carry/bedroom piece (carry something different that day) and casually remark "This one's my fave, it's the one I keep in my bedroom" or something to that effect. Reconsider if your bedroom piece is an NFA 12 gauge shooting 3'' loads, or an ultrasubcompact .454, though I'm assuming most ppl with the resources go for a full sized gun for HD.

If you're feeling spineless and you have a friend that carries, do the whole OC thing. Have a barbeque and let him OC, discuss with the GF afterwards. Extra points if your buddy's a cop/veteran/etc. Just make sure he isn't better looking than you

I'm gonna take a leap of logic for this last one- I've had friends that loved swords but not guns, they were big into Lord of The Rings, chivalry, RenFaire, etc etc ad nauseum. You may get somewhere if she believes in right and wrong as romanticized concepts - work casually in conversation into how you're willing to fight and die for those you love. If you see her eyes glazing over, you win the day

Most importantly, DO develop the relationship. If she doesn't like guns and she's neutral on you, bringing guns into the picture early might color her opinions. Likewise, if she were way gunny, you could probably seduce her by wearing your nickel plated Desert Eagle out to the Kwik-Stop


I'm in the same situation now, myself. Met a girl who's been here in the States for all of three weeks (fresh outta Bangalore) who lives in student housing in Philly. She balked last night at my knife (oops, awkward) but wants to try shooting.. I plan on having a frank discussion about the city's current homicide rate (I think we're up to 1.01 killings a day, or so)

 

[AZTOY]

I don't tell people that i carry.


Keep a box of condoms in you vehicle.

If thing start to get interesting with this girl.

STOP, go to your vehicle, put the gun in side and grab the condoms.

The girl will think your a responsible adult and have no clue about the gun.

 

[shadowalker]

All of my friends and almost all of family know I carry, in fact I just got 7 of them to complete a CCW course and all of them except one will be getting their license. I'd like to get another 7 or so together in the next year.

I probably wouldn't mention it right off the bat but you probably should ask her how she feels about guns, if it goes well what she thinks about people who conceal carry, she might surprise you. If she doesn't like them don't make a big deal of it, and don't try to convert her right there.

People can not be converted to a way of thinking, some they are enlightened and choose to change their opinion, some are always truly an anti.

I took my wife from not wanting a gun in her house from fear of them to having her CCW and her own XD that she is VERY accurate with (ticks me off sometimes ).

If she isn't comfortable with guns take baby steps, fairly slowly, don't just be open carrying one day. Find out if she is against guns, doesn't see the need for them, or is just afraid of them. Most people are just afraid and if introduced properly will at least respect other people's right to be armed, not everyone wants to be or should be armed.

Start a few short conversations, find a few news articles where things went poorly for people who were not armed then find a few where they went better (find local articles, you can search The Armed Citizen by location).

Let her know that you have guns and that you like them, talk to her about how safe you (hopefully) are with them, tell her the rules.

One night when it is just you two ask her if she would be comfortable with you cleaning your gun, again show good gun handling, be very thorough in checking the chamber and not waving it around, you want her to transfer her trust of you in other things to trust in you with guns.

There are a LOT of gun owners that are very unsafe with guns, that is what scares a lot of people. I'd be wary of busy public ranges, I have seen scary handling and generally stupid decisions at them.

Once she has that trust in you mention you underwent training and are licensed to carry for personal protection, see how she reacts. If she really trusts you it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Then ask her if she'd like to go shooting with you, she doesn't have to shoot if she doesn't want to but she can watch you. If you don't have a .22 get or borrow one and find a place to shoot that isn't crowded with 100 people.

Tell her it is part of your life that you want to share with her and that if she tried it a few times it would make you very happy, if she tries it and doesn't like it you wont pressure her.

In my experience one of the major obstacles in getting people into guns is them not wanting to feel like an idiot. Go over the range rules, what is expected of everyone, etc.

If she will be shooting teach her how to load magazines and chamber rounds at home with snap caps, teach her a basic stance and basic trigger pull, basic is the key as she will already be very overwhelmed.

Try to go to a range at time where there wont be many people there, outdoor ranges can be better if you are shooting bigger than .22 because it isn't as loud.

Then shoot a few rounds at a non humanoid target, we aren't trying to teach her to get vital hits and some people starting out have an aversion to shooting at human targets. Pop cans, pigeons, bullseye targets, etc.

.22 are good because they are so quiet, little recoil, etc. End the range trip before she is exhausted and tell her you'd like to go again with her sometime if she wants to.

Give her some time to think about the trip, then after a week or so bring it up if she hasn't. Ask her if she'd like to go again and take another range trip.

I have some people that don't understand why I carry but they support my right to do so, they trust me with my weapons, and most of them will go shooting, just no interest in carrying (yet).

As time goes by you can introduce the idea of center mass shots but be prepared to explain why we shoot for center mass, why it is most effective, and why "arm shots" are a bad idea. Most people I've met think cops should shoot for arms or legs rather than "kill shots" until you explain the reasons they shoot the way they do. It is another situation that needs to be babied for some people.

Sorry for the long post but this process has worked very well for me and I am continuing to open people's eyes with patience, knowledge and safety. Some people go through this whole process in a conversation, some people take months, others truly believe no one should have a gun.

 

[anotherKevin]

Patience is a virtue, and honesty is your number one route. When I first wanted to get a gun, I told my wife, and then proceeded to wait around 6 months before I got her OK to actually buy one. In the meantime I didn't pressure her, I just brought it up from time to time, and mentioned that I wouldn't go ahead with this until she approved of it.

On the flip side, she likes my CCW when we travel, but has been oblivious to me carrying around the house since October!

 

[chris in va]

Eh, I'd wait a while. Carry something really small when you're with her so she doesn't do the when on a date.

Personally I prefer to downplay it's role in everyday life. To me it's just another tool I use, along with keys, Leatherman and flashlight. No need to 'educate' someone on how you'll punch holes in someone that is a threat to your life. Makes people creeped out.

 

[MikePGS]

Maybe you should ask her if she'd like to go to the gun range with you sometime. Then depending on her reaction you could more easily gauge how you think she'd respond to knowing that you carry one.

 

[mdao]

Personally I prefer to downplay it's role in everyday life. To me it's just another tool I use, along with keys, Leatherman and flashlight. No need to 'educate' someone on how you'll punch holes in someone that is a threat to your life. Makes people creeped out.

Yeah, but sometimes the education is necessary because they found out. Not explaining it just creeps them out even more. I mean, it may be low key to us since we're used to strapping on two pounds of metal wrapped in dead cow every morning. To most everyone else though, the thought of owning a gun, much less carrying it around in daily life, is alien. A little bit of education can go a long way in these cases.

 

[ShooterMcGavin]

Thanks for the good responses.

For those who think I should not tell a single person that I carry, ever, does (or "will") your sig-other know that you carry??? How did s/he find out?

I am preparing in advance, with this question. However, the worst case scenario is that I am made the next time she puts her hand on my waist. If we haven't had some history first (i.e. relationship time), or maybe a serious talk about guns, the reaction is likely to be bad. I can't run off to my car every time she might put her hands on me (possibly around my waist), or if clothes come off.

I suppose I will give it time, and hope she does not find my gun by touch. I only have 1 (full-size) handgun, so choosing a smaller carry gun is not an option. The range-date suggestions were all good, but it might be a little early for that just yet. Probably later, though.

 

[jeepmor]

Time for an ankle holster bug if you want to be armed and don't want her arm around your waist getting you busted.

The condom idea is pretty cool too, but again, dating couples who are having things click well with each other can mean quite a bit of grab a&& going on. Keeping one on your waist is a sure way to get made.

I would not bring it up. I might try the friend who openly carry's angle, that would get the gut reaction you're looking for without making you the target of angst...or admiration, particularly if your friend's gun is bigger than yours....oh that was crass, sorry couldn't resist. Regardless, it sounds like the safest way to truly test the waters and stay out of the doghouse personally. I think that is excellent advice.

 

[nelson133]

I have returned to the dating scene in the last several months and I am going to disagree here. If you are looking for a long term relationship and are a member of the gun culture, you will need to find someone who is at least open minded on the subject. There is no point in spending a lot of time on building something with another person and then finding out that they won't tolerate your interests. I would let them know fairly early on about what guns and self defense mean in your life and if they aren't receptive, find someone else.
I say this from personal experience. I let one prospect know that I carried on the third date and she called me a couple of days later and said she liked me, didn't have a problem with me shooting at a range, but didn't want to be around guns. I have found others that are very comfortable with it. They are out there, just spend your time on the good prospects.

 

[MilsurpShooter]

While I'm not Confucious, and I'm not a philosopher, I must say I'd tell her before any investment is made into the relationship. My personal opinion only. 2nd, 3rd date, ask her opinions on CCW. Simply tell her "Listen, I like you, I think this has potential, but before this relationship goes on I must tell you about my concealed carry". The only reason I say this is because if you build up this relationship to a point of months, or perhaps years, and never tell her or she never finds out, she might feel betrayed or hurt that you wouldn't tell her that information when/if you do tell her or she finds out on her own.

Granted you tell her it might end it right then there. Granted it might lead to her learning and finding out more about concealed carry. You won't know until you tell her.

It's a tough situation. I wish you luck with however you decide.

 

[Geno]

Edit to add: I'm with Biker...I usually say nothing about me carrying. However, this time I was "outed" by my wife's colleague:

My wife, one of her female colleagues and one of their mutual friends were discussing this topic on Saturday. The female colleague's husband carries, and of course I do. Their mutual friends sat there telling us, "I prefer to die, rather than carry and shoot some. After all, I'm insured to the max. My daughter wouldn't be left with any financial problems". She stated this with the simplistic surety that one would discuss their car being stolen, saying, it's okay…it's insured; it can be replaced. Hello, we're talking about life itself!

That has to be the dumest statement I have ever heard in my life! What about one's very own right to life? What about a mother being there for her daughter? Furthermore, she is a single mother, who is completely uninvolved with her ex-husband. In the end, I guess it's best that she not carry. She would probably simply lie down, die and leave a loaded pistol for the perps to take.

I usually express one simple fact: "I refuse to be a passive victim! If I'm going to die, I'll take the grimy b@$t@rd$ with me so that my wife and daughter can live!"

 

[plexreticle]

I tell her I'm happy to see her.

 

[Baba Louie]

Do you have another method...

A simple question for her consideration: "Would you fight for your life or the life of a LOVED One, like a child or your parents/grandparents if ner-do-wells and/or evil-doers were to harm them?"

Gauge the response as you see fit. No need to get all declarative over someone who chooses to be a victim and would prefer to have everyone else fit that mold or who feels insecure around one who chooses to meet violence with greater violence.

Unless she's really hot.

 

[Biker]

I don't tell people I carry. When I was between wives and trolling the bars for tattoed, bleached-blonde women with low self esteem and substance abuse issues, they only found out I carried when my boots came off and I dropped my 501s.
Never had any complaints.

Biker

 

[grampster]

The idea of concealed carry is that it is to be part of your everyday personal experience. One does not go around initiating conversations about whether one wears boxers or briefs. Concealed carry = no one is supposed to know. So why bring up the subject? In Shall Issue states, the notion that someone might be carrying is part of the safety factor. In addition, once you've told someone you ccw, the odds are very good that info will broadcast over a wider spectrum. People can't keep secrets.

Having said that, once a relationship starts to blossom, and this will take a bit of time, personal information will tend to be shared in a natural way through conversation. I guess I would not be hasty about bringing up the subject until the moment is right. Perhaps you have to be adult enough to know when that moment comes about. I wouldn't push it.

On the other hand, I come from a generation that didn't believe that having a sexual relationship with a woman was a natural thing to have happen on the first or second date, either. Younger folks tend to live in a reality of sped up relationships, so maybe my advice would be from an alien perspective to some younger folks.

Whenever the subject of firearms comes up with folks who do not know me or my background very well, I tend to shrug off comments about carrying by saying that I am a firearm hobbyist. I love to shoot and have been around firearms all of my life so it is natural for me to be carrying a firearm for that reason. It is a natural thing for me. But then I'm around folks who either shoot, hunt, carry or otherwise have no negative opinion about firearms. I've actually never run into anyone who has bee horrified by guns. Most are either interested or ambivalent.

One more comment. A mouse gun is better than no gun. So, I think until the idea that you carry becomes normal for a female companion, I'd carry a small firearm, not some humongous hogleg. Break her in gently. Cute little guns are still deadly in the hands of someone proficient. But they are less threatening to someone not accustomed to firearms.

 

[CNYCacher]

Take her shooting first. She may be uncomfortable through lack of experience.

 

[EricTheBarbarian]

well said

I don't tell people I carry. When I was between wives and trolling the bars for tattoed, bleached-blonde women with low self esteem and substance abuse issues, they only found out I carried when my boots came off and I dropped my 501s.
Never had any complaints.

+1

 

[kellyj00]

alright, you're missing the boat... If you're at all young, you need to re-examine how this can work to your advantage.

There's been many a time when a girl has found my gun. Never, ever, carry your pistol with a round in the chamber if you're going on a date and there's a possibility that you may have a sleepover after. Let her find it, it won't scare her...even the most liberal of chicks have seen enough movies to think that the good guys carry as many guns as the 'bad guys' and girls, for some reason, are turned on by danger...or a hero. So, you're one of the two here.

If you bring it up in conversation, you make it look like it's a big deal in your life. You really should never bring up guns until, well, not on the first date. It may be your hobby, but most chicks aren't into going to the range or blowing things up. It's like talking about your work, she doesn't care. It's your first date, and if she seems like you'll pay for her dinner again, then listen. Crying out loud, man, guns? Really? What did you say "well, I go to the range every weekend and shoot at least $50 worth of ammo. What do you think of that? Do you like guns?" that's not a good way to start into a first date, amigo. How do you know that she carries pepper spray after only one date? were you friends before?

Remember, dates are just interviews. She's judging you just like a potential employer would be, just as you are her. So, just make some jokes and, seriously, I have never ever let a girl know I had a gun in my shorts until she found it, and by the time that she gets there she's going to be a lot more open-minded about what you do in your spare time.... and you'll look like a real bad ass because she knows as well as we do that anti-gun dudes don't get any.