ironworkerwill
Member
It seems ever' one seems to want you to " cut and run". I want you to do whats good for YOU! Cause, if you don't no one else will.
Agreed,100%
Minority Living with AntiGun Majority
- Thread starter Praxidike
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Shanghai McCoy
Member
Yep, BT DT...
I taught my current wife how to shoot . Her favorite, other than her 50 cal flintlock rifle, is a Model 27 .357 mag.
She also lets me smoke cigars...
Sometimes she even shares her single malt scotch with me.
wally
Member
Much cheaper to cut your losses now and find someone who shares your values than to end up in divorce court!
Try converting her with a few range trips and if that doesn't work or makes things worse, cut your losses now!
Relationships are difficult enough, took me three tries to get it right and all were gun owners before we married.
Try converting her with a few range trips and if that doesn't work or makes things worse, cut your losses now!
Relationships are difficult enough, took me three tries to get it right and all were gun owners before we married.
mdauben
Member
This is a tough one, and an issue that I don't think anyone else to really tell you what to do.
Its easy enough for someone to say "give her the broom" but I hesitate to suggest something like this over the issue of gun ownership alone. As an individual with an ex-wife, though, I see this as possibly representing a bigger issue. You two are not even married yet, and she is already dictating how you will live your life. In my experience marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship. If you have to give up or hide things about yourself that give you enjoyment or that you think are important, eventually its going to lead to resentment. Think long and hard about your current relationship with your fiance and if you think you can live with that relationship for the next 50-60 years of your life.
My ex tried to be a dictator in our marriage and there were plenty of signs of that even before our wedding which in my inexperience and ignorance I ignored. I'm an easy going guy who tries to avoid conflict where I can, but eventually the resentment led to fighting and our eventual divorce.
Its easy enough for someone to say "give her the broom" but I hesitate to suggest something like this over the issue of gun ownership alone. As an individual with an ex-wife, though, I see this as possibly representing a bigger issue. You two are not even married yet, and she is already dictating how you will live your life. In my experience marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship. If you have to give up or hide things about yourself that give you enjoyment or that you think are important, eventually its going to lead to resentment. Think long and hard about your current relationship with your fiance and if you think you can live with that relationship for the next 50-60 years of your life.
My ex tried to be a dictator in our marriage and there were plenty of signs of that even before our wedding which in my inexperience and ignorance I ignored. I'm an easy going guy who tries to avoid conflict where I can, but eventually the resentment led to fighting and our eventual divorce.
Hanzo581
Member
Never hide what you believe in. Never change a core belief to placate someone for you will one day resent it and all it tells them is they can change you and they have a precedent to prove that.
Give her an ultimatum. Either she accepts you and your guns or you should go your separate ways. It may seem trivial over guns, but that is only the beginning. That said, you also have to accept everything about her if you expect the same from her.
Give her an ultimatum. Either she accepts you and your guns or you should go your separate ways. It may seem trivial over guns, but that is only the beginning. That said, you also have to accept everything about her if you expect the same from her.
MedWheeler
Member
You wrote about her feelings:
Okay, so defensive firearm use is out for her. Whatever, right? But, would she be willing to consider having that sort of setup (guns in a readily-acessible safe) for you?
Remeber that, as she and you try to have a discussion about this (and you should), that a discussion is not the same thing as a lecture. Make sure that she understands this as well.
Don't use fear (news accounts of violent-crime victims) to try to sway her; that rarely works. An occasional pointing out of a news account, when it happens, of a successful DGU may even be more effective, but not in the actual discussion of the topic.
My mom was a liberal raised in Massachussetts. Since 09/11/2001, she has made a rapid shift to the other side. I was still living with her when I was sworn in as a LEO, and she begrudgingly accepted what comes with that. I've been out of that line of work for a long time, now, and a couple of years back, she expressed a little surprise during a phone conversation when I happened to say something about "going shooting" or something. She apparently had assumed that I didn't have any guns anymore, maybe because so much time had gone by and I was now the father of a small child.
Earlier this year, she was visiting and was telling me about the movie "2016", which I have not yet seen. As she was beginning, I asked her if it was the type that "would make me wanna go out and buy more guns" and she replied "oh, definitely." So, it seems as she has relaxed her gun-shyness quite a bit.
Okay, so defensive firearm use is out for her. Whatever, right? But, would she be willing to consider having that sort of setup (guns in a readily-acessible safe) for you?
Remeber that, as she and you try to have a discussion about this (and you should), that a discussion is not the same thing as a lecture. Make sure that she understands this as well.
Don't use fear (news accounts of violent-crime victims) to try to sway her; that rarely works. An occasional pointing out of a news account, when it happens, of a successful DGU may even be more effective, but not in the actual discussion of the topic.
My mom was a liberal raised in Massachussetts. Since 09/11/2001, she has made a rapid shift to the other side. I was still living with her when I was sworn in as a LEO, and she begrudgingly accepted what comes with that. I've been out of that line of work for a long time, now, and a couple of years back, she expressed a little surprise during a phone conversation when I happened to say something about "going shooting" or something. She apparently had assumed that I didn't have any guns anymore, maybe because so much time had gone by and I was now the father of a small child.
Earlier this year, she was visiting and was telling me about the movie "2016", which I have not yet seen. As she was beginning, I asked her if it was the type that "would make me wanna go out and buy more guns" and she replied "oh, definitely." So, it seems as she has relaxed her gun-shyness quite a bit.
Arkansas Paul
Member
On the contrary, the issue of gun ownership is much more important than most other things. As one poster above said, it's not like the hobby is playing golf. It's firearms. The lack of one greatly reduces your ability to protect yourself and your loved ones. It deserves special consideration above other interests. If she can't deal with your stamp collection that's one thing. If she can't understand the need to protect your household, that is something else entirely.
I'll 3rd that.
My wife gave me an ultimatum once about my guns after we got married. It lasted for about a minute. I asked her "you do realize that you're not the only one who can issue ultimatums, right?"
As long as you're not doing anything illegal, immoral, unethical, dangerous or neglecting your spousal responsibilities it shouldn't matter what hobby you enjoy. As long as you're taking care of business there's nothing that she can do to you except walk out that door.
My wife and I have been together for almost 27 years and married for the last 22 of those years. I've taken her shooting and we've taken a few formal firearms training courses together. She's even claimed her own personal gun although I still have to coax her to train with it.
Every once in a while she still snears at me and my guns but she's my sweetheart and I give her a lot of leway and she knows it's only fair that she does the same for me.
Correct.
You are not just asking for trouble, you're sitting up and begging for it.
I know two different men who were in your shoes, who went on and married girls who were just like your fiancee. They figured "Ahh, she'll come around after we're married." Both eventually were divorced. Problem is, by then they both had a child. Their divorces were a real mess.
There are lots of pretty girls out their who believe in the inalienable Right of self defense and are in favor of firearms ownership.
Just my opinion, which is worth exactly what you paid for it.
L.W.
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scaatylobo
Member
EX nyc boy
I was born and raised in a VERY anti-gun and anti-hunting atmosphere = new York city
Since that time,I became a shooter,hunter and finally a police officer and firearms instructor - before retiring with 26 years on the job.
I mention all the above due to the FACT that I am on my THIRD MARRIAGE.
MUCH due to the FACT that both prior marriages were based on the LIES we told each other.
They were not about guns [ showed them both the safe and told them "that's how it will be" ].
But on familys,sex and such.
A word to a prayerfully wise man = DO NOT GO INTO THIS UNION WITHOUT TOTALLY EXPRESSING YOUR FULL INTENTIONS.
I am positive that she believes "she can fix/change you" to fit her idea of a perfect man.
Smarten up ----- or pay the consequences.
I was born and raised in a VERY anti-gun and anti-hunting atmosphere = new York city
Since that time,I became a shooter,hunter and finally a police officer and firearms instructor - before retiring with 26 years on the job.
I mention all the above due to the FACT that I am on my THIRD MARRIAGE.
MUCH due to the FACT that both prior marriages were based on the LIES we told each other.
They were not about guns [ showed them both the safe and told them "that's how it will be" ].
But on familys,sex and such.
A word to a prayerfully wise man = DO NOT GO INTO THIS UNION WITHOUT TOTALLY EXPRESSING YOUR FULL INTENTIONS.
I am positive that she believes "she can fix/change you" to fit her idea of a perfect man.
Smarten up ----- or pay the consequences.
Piratesailor
Member
Good luck...
oneounceload
member
I will just say this:
If the two of you are that diametrically opposed on this issue and it is a major issue for both of you, you will NEVER have peace and harmony until one side cedes completely - been there done that on a completely different, but equally as important a relationship issue
Don't rush down the aisle until you are both sure this will not lead to friction
If the two of you are that diametrically opposed on this issue and it is a major issue for both of you, you will NEVER have peace and harmony until one side cedes completely - been there done that on a completely different, but equally as important a relationship issue
Don't rush down the aisle until you are both sure this will not lead to friction
coloradokevin
Member
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OP:
You're probably starting to see a theme develop in these responses. You can't choose your family, but you can most certainly choose your spouse. It's really not for any of us to say how important she is to you, or how important your gun hobbies are (given that you posted, I'll presume that both are important). One question you may have to ask yourself is whether or not your fiancee's views on guns are a deal breaker... some things truly are in relationships, and the ridiculously high divorce rate in this country at least somewhat validates the idea that few people properly consider these concerns before walking down the isle.
It can be very hard for two people to build a life together when they have very contradictory views on important subjects. Since you really like shooting, and she really hates guns, this suddenly becomes an important subject! How can you deal with this? Well, you may need to have a sit down to figure out if she's going to consider your side of this issue, and she may well ask you to accept her side instead. The rest is up to you!
Anti-gun family is easier to deal with. I have some members of my extended family who are VERY anti-gun. But, they are family, and they're good and decent people. In fact, 6 of them were just out here this past week, and I took them out for some hiking. We didn't discuss guns, and I conducted myself as I always do (carrying my CCW weapon, which they may or may not have known that I had).
But, not to sound like a broken record here, it is a LOT harder dealing with these issues when they're being caused by an intimate partner! Having said that, I've dated ostensibly anti-gun girls in the past, and the relationships worked out fine because I was able to bring them to our side of the table... these were girls who were anti-gun in theory, but just simply hadn't had much exposure to the subject. One of them is now an ex that I'm on good terms with, but she went from being anti-gun to very pro-gun. She owns a few guns of her own these days. The situation would have never worked for us for as long as it did if she had been truly and severely anti-gun.
Hope that helps!
You're probably starting to see a theme develop in these responses. You can't choose your family, but you can most certainly choose your spouse. It's really not for any of us to say how important she is to you, or how important your gun hobbies are (given that you posted, I'll presume that both are important). One question you may have to ask yourself is whether or not your fiancee's views on guns are a deal breaker... some things truly are in relationships, and the ridiculously high divorce rate in this country at least somewhat validates the idea that few people properly consider these concerns before walking down the isle.
It can be very hard for two people to build a life together when they have very contradictory views on important subjects. Since you really like shooting, and she really hates guns, this suddenly becomes an important subject! How can you deal with this? Well, you may need to have a sit down to figure out if she's going to consider your side of this issue, and she may well ask you to accept her side instead. The rest is up to you!
Anti-gun family is easier to deal with. I have some members of my extended family who are VERY anti-gun. But, they are family, and they're good and decent people. In fact, 6 of them were just out here this past week, and I took them out for some hiking. We didn't discuss guns, and I conducted myself as I always do (carrying my CCW weapon, which they may or may not have known that I had).
But, not to sound like a broken record here, it is a LOT harder dealing with these issues when they're being caused by an intimate partner! Having said that, I've dated ostensibly anti-gun girls in the past, and the relationships worked out fine because I was able to bring them to our side of the table... these were girls who were anti-gun in theory, but just simply hadn't had much exposure to the subject. One of them is now an ex that I'm on good terms with, but she went from being anti-gun to very pro-gun. She owns a few guns of her own these days. The situation would have never worked for us for as long as it did if she had been truly and severely anti-gun.
Hope that helps!
swiftak
Member
You're in for a miserable life. Time to grow a pair.
Arkansas Paul
Member
And then the bitterness will set in. Then whoever caved in will despise the other. That aint what might happen. That's what will happen.
Schwing
Member
How is your compatibility in other areas? Do you have similar political, religious and financial views? My experience has been that if a couple disagrees on firearms, there are almost always many other areas that they are never going to see eye-to-eye on. I would be far more worried about my spouse having different views about God, money, or kids... As long as she is not the ultimatum sort. That never ends well and would be a deal breaker for me personally.
Having said that, 2 of my brothers married anti-gun ladies. Both are happy and one of them even has his wife shooting now. My wife has absolutely NO interest in guns... she doesn't hate or fear them, they just don't float her boat. We have been happily married for 18 years.
Having said that, 2 of my brothers married anti-gun ladies. Both are happy and one of them even has his wife shooting now. My wife has absolutely NO interest in guns... she doesn't hate or fear them, they just don't float her boat. We have been happily married for 18 years.
InkEd
Member
You have to make her understand that a gun is like any other tool. It only does what you make it do. A hammer is easily very dangerous or lethal but I doubt she has phobia about them. Most phobias are either taught by others or acquired because of a firsthand occurance. Figure out the source and ration through the problem.
smalls
Member
This. Times. A million. It's not a gun problem at the roots, it's a life decision problem.
Pick another one of your hobbies, one that's not so "touchy". Lets say you enjoy boating. If your fiancée said that you had to sell your boat, for whatever un knowledgable bias she has against them, would you still marry her?
Marriage doesn't have to be the end of life some view it as. It should be a happy life. If you're ok with being married to an anti, and you can still be just as happy, go for it,
The rest of your family? They need to be told that this is your lifestyle/hobby, and they can choose to accept you or not. I've stopped talking to family for a lot less.
If guns are important to you, let it be known, and take a stand. Everyone else is free to make their own decision about you based on the ones you've made yourself.
HankR
Member
My wife was ambivalent. Not a fan, but not going to tell me what I could do with my guns/motorcycles/life. We got that straightened out right away. I didn't need to fake an episode like Reefinmike (hopefully a sailor?), but I insisted that she know enough to clear and safely put away several types of weapons "just in case", since she'd be living with guns in our house.
After a couple of years living in not the best neighborhoods, with me traveling for work every so often, she became much more interested in learning how to shoot. She doesn't shoot much, but we now live in a much safer place. I shoot recreationally with the kids, and my son shotgun and rifle hunts. We encourage her to step out to the backyard range and she probably shoots for 20 minutes or so twice a year. Probably not enough if she ever needed to use a gun w/out me around, but she certainly doesn't attempt to interfere with our interests.
Do not set a wedding date without getting this settled. You'll find plenty of new things to disagree on after you get married without dragging such a significant difference into the mix. I honestly don't see how I could share any values with an individual who is anti-freedom or anti-civil rights.
After a couple of years living in not the best neighborhoods, with me traveling for work every so often, she became much more interested in learning how to shoot. She doesn't shoot much, but we now live in a much safer place. I shoot recreationally with the kids, and my son shotgun and rifle hunts. We encourage her to step out to the backyard range and she probably shoots for 20 minutes or so twice a year. Probably not enough if she ever needed to use a gun w/out me around, but she certainly doesn't attempt to interfere with our interests.
Do not set a wedding date without getting this settled. You'll find plenty of new things to disagree on after you get married without dragging such a significant difference into the mix. I honestly don't see how I could share any values with an individual who is anti-freedom or anti-civil rights.
tomrkba
Member
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Do you have a deal with her regarding firearms and carry? If not, you had better or you are in for a problem. She does not have to touch them and you'll have to accommodate her by purchasing a good safe and one or two small ones for around the house. Your firearms handling and safety must be impeccable.
You really should not marry this woman if you intend to have firearms. This is not a good match and you two are going to seriously diverge in philosophies. The major problem is the differences in which you two perceive reality. If these differences cannot be reconciled, then you're going to have a problem.
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Ignition Override
Member
A friend is now paying his ex-wife about 50% of his paycheck, and will owe her about half of his retirement in two years.
She has not held a job in years.
If they had only been engaged during the split, in most cases he would owe her nothing. If you guys'/gals' gun advice on how to persuade the fiance works-wonderful. But if not, he has other considerations which could permanently change his life and the type of real estate he can afford.
She has not held a job in years.
If they had only been engaged during the split, in most cases he would owe her nothing. If you guys'/gals' gun advice on how to persuade the fiance works-wonderful. But if not, he has other considerations which could permanently change his life and the type of real estate he can afford.
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herrwalther
Member
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To a degree I have an idea. My great grandfather owned firearms for hunting and protection as he worked as a regulator. They were passed to my grandfather when he died. He still owns them to this day but never taught his sons how to shoot or anyone else in his family. As a result, my parent's generation of family is all anti-gun but leaning more neutral every day. Just the other day my mother who has been very anti, asked me if I could help her shop for a NY legal pistol for her. I was quite happy by that. The best antis are the ones that come around eventually.
As for your fiance. I don't know how to approach that one. My wife and I both shoot and own our own separate firearms. Even bought a Cricket for my son even though he doesn't know it yet.
As for your fiance. I don't know how to approach that one. My wife and I both shoot and own our own separate firearms. Even bought a Cricket for my son even though he doesn't know it yet.
jstein650
Member
The entire concept of being rabidly "anti gun" has just never made much sense to me. Can a person be "anti automobile".. or "anti chain saw"?? I suppose there are some out there just like that though... These things are tools on the most simple level, and objects of great satisfaction and pride on the other end. They all afford the potential for great harm if misused.
The issue, as has been addressed in many different, and mostly well meaning ways here, more likely goes a good deal deeper than that. It comes down to whether the individual has a deeply rooted repulsion for being in control of one's life and responsible for one's own actions, or would rather leave those sometimes difficult decisions up to someone else. (the gov't)
This is the crux of the situation that, I believe, has generated so much passion on this thread; and I dare say, it should not be taken lightly. (with regard to how one might proceed with this potential conundrum)
The issue, as has been addressed in many different, and mostly well meaning ways here, more likely goes a good deal deeper than that. It comes down to whether the individual has a deeply rooted repulsion for being in control of one's life and responsible for one's own actions, or would rather leave those sometimes difficult decisions up to someone else. (the gov't)
This is the crux of the situation that, I believe, has generated so much passion on this thread; and I dare say, it should not be taken lightly. (with regard to how one might proceed with this potential conundrum)
JohnBiltz
Member
You are looking at this as though you are the offending party here. The one laying down the ultimatum was your fiancee. This says something about her not you and if you think it will end with this issue you are delusional. I'll tell you what ends relationships is that things pile up over time and one side or the other just get tired of it. Which is why its often something trivial that gets blamed but its not, its just the tipping point. At some point you will make a stand or be miserable the rest of your life and its better to do it before you are married than after.
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