Living with an anti-gun spouse, how do you do it?

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jad0110

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Hello, my name is JAD, and my wife hates guns.

Over 10 years ago, before and after we got married, we could both best be described as "bliss ninnies." We were young, never thought anything bad could ever happen to us, you know how most dumb kids are. However, over time I began to open my eyes to the reality. "It" can happen to me, and I am responsible for my safety, not the cop 15 minutes away. And here I am today, always aware of my surroundings, responsible gun owner, carry permit holder, gun collector, etc.

During this time, my wife went down a different path. At first, she accepted my desire to own a gun (with not insignificant resistance) in order to protect her and our future son, though she did not really like it. She has never liked guns, BTW. Crucially, instead of the more constructive path I took, she went down the road to fear. She went from wandering the streets of NYC, Chicago and Oakland alone after midnight (completely unaware) to the opposite end of the spectrum: practically paralyzed with fear.

And she blames me for this, because I awoke her from her dream world slumber. As she put it, she just wants to go back to not caring, not worrying any more. Basically, she is like a child that thinks the boogey man won't get her if she hides under the covers. Not only that, she wants me to go back to how I was. Nothing irritates her more than when I am not directing 100% attention to her and my son (I always try to maintain a reasonable degree of situational awareness and I admit I'm not the best multitasker). Also, her hatred of guns seems to grow more vitriolic with the passage of time, as I think they are a reminder that there is in fact evil out there.

When she demanded last week that I go back to how I was and get rid of all my guns, I flatly stated it was not going to happen. I would be derelict in my duties as a father if I did not do my best to protect her and our child from danger. When I refused to back down, she wondered what we were going to do, and the dreaded “D” word came into the "conversation." She backed down at this point. It wasn't the first time this has happened, and each time this issue comes up it seems to get nastier and nastier.

I am beginning to see that divorce is inevitable unless something changes. I told her that other couples have found ways to accept each other's differences and live in peace and harmony. I certainly try to accept her position, I'm not trying to force her into liking guns, and I try to keep the guns and related stuff out of site. I'd just like to be accepted, that's all. Let it be. She wants to learn to accept it, but she is very stubborn.

Note that we did go to counseling for a short while, but she soon stopped going because she decided she needs no help, as "I am the one who is screwed up." Sigh.

So I ask for you wisdom and experience. Who out there has found a way to happily coexist with a gun hating, fearful spouse who would rather just pretend bad things can't happen. How do you do it? How do you learn to respect one another's differences?

I know this is a difficult question to answer, but I appreciate any thoughts that can be offered.

For background, you may wish to read an earlier thread that dovetails into this one:

http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=637572
 
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Go to couples counseling? I've been with my wife once or twice, but you both have to go. I know we both needed to.
 
I'm single and refuse to date women who are anti-gun, but I want to wish you good luck. This seems to be more than just about guns, more like different views of the world--her refusing to accept that the world is not all sunshine and roses, you accepting that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
 
I have to ask if you have ever tried to get her to the range. A lot if people's ideas about firearms are based on lack of knowledge and resuting fear and avoidance. Your wife needs to understand that your interest in firearms is for the safety of family. When you are out with them, perhaps try to be more discrete in your situational awareness.

I am fortunate that I have a wife who actually encoutaged me to buy guns, although she has had little interest in learning to operate them. That is my mission for the new year.

Good luck. Divorce over this is quite dramatic, there must be a solution for you both. IMO is throwing good money away, especially if you both have good common sense . I imagine you spend too much time trying to rationalize your actions and positions.
 
I would guess that guns are not the real issue playing out here. I have no idea what the real issue might be because I don't know either of you...but this smacks of some other bigger issue manifesting itself in this gun argument.

Best of luck.
 
Thank you for the responses, I really do appreciate it.

She as been out 3 times in the last 6 or 7 years. She hated it twice, and actually (amazingly) showed a crack or two in the gun hating exterior on the 2nd visit (she grinned when she blew apart a CD ROM with a Ruger Mk II), but later went back to hating the whole experience (she complained of fear-induced muscle tension a few hours after the range trip).

I agree, I don't want to go down to road to divorce. She is a wonderful mother, raising a loving, respectful child. Although I still love her, I don't often like her much, if you know what I mean.
 
I wonder if there are other issues your wife has, besides the firearms. Usually, mature individuals can discuss an issue and reach an acceptable solution. In your case it appears she is using the firearms issue as a sort of club to try and win a point. Being unsucessful in disarming you she (or you) throws out the D word when the real message is "why won't you do what I want you to do?" Without counseling this is not going to be a happy ending.
 
Fairly fortunate on that front myself. My wife is not rabid anti-gun but she wasn't happy with my efforts to sugar coat my first shotty. After a bit of cajoling, I stopped with the sugar coating and flat out told her I'm responsible for her saftey and i take that very seriously-- I bought it anyway. She didn't like it at first, but can't deny the reasoning, which ultimately led to acceptance. she's not going to share my hobby any time soon but I can accept that.

[edit]

Reread. Didn't realize you were already past that. Something tells me there are other forces at work and your guns are merely a convenient target. How much range time do you put in? how many guns do you have? Is your hobby compromising your finances? Everything you've written so far screams "symptom" to me. Money. Time. Attention. Not sure, but there's something going else behind the scenes IMO.
 
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1) Don't harp on it. Don't talk about guns, ammo, reloading, shooting, shotgunning, hunting, tracking, deer, deer stands, gear, camoflage, or anything else related to guns.

2) Don't talk rights and laws either. It will lead to verboten topic #1.

3) Make sure that you are 100% safe in your gun handling at all times. If she comes across a gun, make it clear to her to never touch it and come get you. Tell her you will drop what you are doing and immediately take care of it.

4) Remember rules 1, 2, and 3.

5) Be very clear that you are a shooting enthusiast. Money will be spent on the hobby. Never hide your purchases; everything needs to be out in the open if the money came from the budget.

Now, if you have money that's off the budget, different story :)
 
I don't have much experience with this sort of thing, but it sounds like it's mainly a case of denial- of danger, reality, etc. It sounds like she's having trouble accepting things outside her own ideas, even if all evidence points to the contrary.
 
One might suggest that you're at risk of losing what it is you're trying so hard to protect. Not to suggest that you would not have a family life if you were to divorce, but in a way the tool you want to use to keep your family together might be the very thing that drives it apart.

I have too many family and friends that like to live in the illusion that life is all hunky dory and nothing ever bad happens too. However, I've also seen on quite a few times where I've over-done it and create anxious, stressful situations for no reason. Maybe you should ask yourself if you're only doing what is necessary to protect your family, or if you're over-doing it? Not saying she's being completely understanding about your position, but perhaps you're not really being very accommodating to hers. Some people just feel safer by putting their blinders on.

Did something happen that changed your mind and took you from being the care-free person to feeling the need to protect yourself? It's not really that common for people who were in that situation to just suddenly change their mind. My only point is that if something traumatic did happen, perhaps it's something you should both address in couple's counseling--people react to traumatic events in very different ways. Hiding under a blanket and pretending there is no boogy man is just as much a reactionary decision as buying a weapon. Just suggesting that if there was some major event that caused you to change your mind, that maybe your issues really reside there.

Also, thinking with a great deal of foresight here...

How able will you be to protect your children to a level you think is appropriate if they are not with you. If you divorce, that just leaves you less able to protect them. It's better you there with your situational awareness and no gun, then you not being there at all. You should definitely try to work it out, and if you gotta give up your guns because she won't change... Well, that might just be a harsh reality, but I don't see you being better able to defend your family if you are not with them.


Just my $.02
 
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I tried to "change" a woman's viewpoint on guns and their place in my life for 25 years. I took her shooting. Her father and brother are both firearm enthusiasts. I was a member of the National Guard.

She, too, grew into the "blissful thinking" way of thinking. At one point, I did sell my small collection to secure cash for a down payment on a personal loan to buy a mobile home for us and our two kids. It was a few years later when I was able to buy a couple of .22 rifles for the kids and I to plink with as they grew older. Her attitude was standoffish at that point, as we used the rifles mainly to keep the ground squirrel population down on her parent's small ranch.

We moved back to the Midwest and I started target shooting again with some old friends of mine, I picked up one of the super-cheap SKS's back then and the problems started with her, as much over the time I "wasted" going out probably one Sunday afternoon a month to shoot with the guys, the money I had spent on it (I worked, she didn't) and the money for ammunition. She also started drinking a bit around that time. After a couple of years, one of my friends offered me a considerable profit on the SKS, so I sold it and my shooting stopped for the most part, only plinking with the .22's every so often. Her drinking and attitude didn't.
About six years ago I purchased a 9mm semi-auto pistol with the intention of getting my concealed carry permit...according to her rant, the only reason for me to have a pistol was to do something "bad" with it, when pressed she couldn't or wouldn't elaborate on what she thought I wanted it for. The drinking got worse as did the arguments, so at the point where I felt unsafe to go to sleep with them in the house, I took the guns over to a friends house and left them with him and explained what was going on.

The attitude just continued to evolve into arguing over whatever little thing she felt like. At the point where she got abusive towards our daughter, who was only 16, I felt I had no choice and packed what I could into a small U-haul truck and slung my car onto a dolly and headed for Missouri, where I had rented a small duplex for my daughter and I. As soon as I established residency, I filed for divorce. She fought it by sending in wild, accusatory letters to the clerk and asking for all sorts of things, never retained an attorney but managed to stall the whole thing for over a year off and on. She'd come to the hearings but wander off before our case was heard. The judge finally got miffed and gave me everything that I had filed for, including full custody of our daughter. The whole time, she ranted and raved about the guns and my wanting a CC permit. The judge read the filing and told me quite frankly that she understood why I wanted one...

The divorce was in my opinion the only resource I had left. We had gone to couples counseling until she felt that the counselor was accusing her of being the problem. She had gone to rehab, and AA with no real effort to change. It's been a little over 3 years now since the divorce was final, I am remarried to a wonderful woman who paid for my CC class and permit, bought me a sweet little Armscor .22, knowing my penchant for offbeat rimfires, and just last year paid for a 91/30 for me as a present to break in my 03FFL.

After you exhaust all reasonable options, sometimes the big "D" is indeed the correct answer, at least for you.
 
My most recent wife and I went to counseling together, but as we were enroute to the first session she cautioned me that if I broached a certain topic--one which she knew was a key issue for me--she would walk out.

So much for counseling.

I mention that to get to this: Your situation may be not so much about guns as much as it is about control. She wants to control the household environment, and so do you. If it weren't over guns it would be over something else.
 
Seek marriage counselling at a local church. Try to come to an agreement with her that you will do your best not to involve her in your gun hobby if she stops making demands. This is a horribly unfortunate situation. I hope all turns out well.
 
It's not really about the guns. Not sure what it is about, but that's for you to figure out. Good luck.
 
Just trying to play devil's advocate here. She seems like she is way too far off in one direction, but have you taken an honest look at yourself to see if maybe you might be a little too far in the othe direction?

I mean no offense, I promise, but it is one thing to be prudent and careful and another to be paranoid and assuming the worst in everything and everybody.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you
 
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I got divorced . Got remarried . New wife that had same interest, I did and beleived in guns and self defence. We have raised 3 girls all shooters and They attend the NRA conventions at my side. .

Stand your ground . If Divorce comes over this I see you as better off .
 
I had an anti-gun spouse. She was eventually anti-gp911-being-happy-ever and so I divorced her.

It wasn't about the guns. Over time she became unreasonable about everything because she was unhappy, period. Once the divorce plans started she admitted it was more about control than about guns, time away from home, etc. Too little too late at that point though...
 
Reminds me of the situation with my first wife, there were lots of other issues too, but over the course of the 10 years we were married she became more and more anti-gun and I did what I could to try to make peace. At one point shortly before getting divorced on a Sunday (maybe Saturday) morning my step father who lived just a few hundred yards away knocked on the front door to check on us and handed me a gun because there were escaped prisoners in the woods behind the house and the police were out looking for them (prisoner transport had a flat tire on the highway, prisoners assaulted the driver while changing tire and esacped). She complained about that gun being in the house for just a few hours until the prisoners were found for weeks afterward, I say this just so you can get an idea how far some people will go on the topic.

anyway good luck
 
I mention that to get to this: Your situation may be not so much about guns as much as it is about control. She wants to control the household environment, and so do you. If it weren't over guns it would be over something else.
Click to expand...

That's one of the possible issues that I saw here. The alpha-maleness was coming out. Some women find comfort in the "you are my responsibility" attitude. Some other women will absolutely hate you for it. If you've married that type of woman who wants an equal partnership out of marriage but you're wanting to play the "provider, protector, and king of the castle" role then you'll run into issues. Some women don't want a "protector" - they want a partner. Not sure if that's the case here, but it's something a lot of guys run into.

I'd look into counseling (again - even though you've mentioned it already), and see if you can work out the differences. Keep your guns but don't make her be a part of it if she doesn't want to be. For goodness sakes don't go around spouting tactics and "situational awareness" around her.

I will say though that in the end you may want to consider the base reality that your preparation for a statistically unlikely event may be the catalyst for a statisticcally likely divorce that is also destructive towards your family unit. It may be cutting off the nose to spite the face.
 
While I am lacking the requested wisdom and experience, I do feel the need to point something out here.

When she demanded last week that I go back to how I was and get rid of all my guns, I flatly stated it was not going to happen. I would be derelict in my duties as a father if I did not do my best to protect her and our child from danger.
Click to expand...

This attitude isn't helpful on either side. Yes, maybe she's being unreasonable, but your zeal for protecting your family could very well cause you to lose it. Being prepared for the long shot of a violent attack vs. the certainty of losing your family should be a no brainer IMO. If that's really the only issue here, get rid of the guns!

Now, I know that can't be the only issue, or even the real issue. You're dealing with emotions here, any type of rational arguments aren't going to do any good. Counseling could be the only option. If she thinks that you're the problem, ask her to go with you so that you can change. Whatever it takes, if you want to save this marriage, you need to get down to the real issues at work here on BOTH sides!
 
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Whatever you do make sure it is whats best for your child. Guns are a fun but in the picture of life you might need to cut waaay back. Keep a handgun and rifle and never bring them out around her. When you are both older things might change for the better.
 
Does she oppose only gun related hobby or ALL of your hobbies?

When I was dating, I specifically looked for dates with the same interests I had (riding dirtbike/quads, 4x4/offroad, "rough" camping/hiking at the mountain/beach/desert/dunes etc., shooting guns, playing/camping with dogs, weekly BBQ/grilling, etc.). When I started dating my wife (been married 18 years) and found out she grew up riding dirt bikes and shooting guns (most of her family hunts), I knew my prayer was answered and found my wife.

When I buy reloading components/supplies, go to the range or shop for a new gun, she is not a hurdle I need to overcome - she "helps" me. If fact, she helps me reload and looks forward to our range trips together. When her friends asks her if spending so much time and money on reloading/shooting is OK with her, she laughs and tells them, "Do you know where your husbands are when they say they are playing golf?" ;) We have a daughter who also helps out with reloading process (sorting of cases, etc.) and enjoys shooting - I believe it's a reflection of her mother.

I believe a couple who truly loves each other would recognize each other's likes and would be supportive of their hobbies even though they may disagree on principle (I fully support my wife's hobbies although I do not participate in all of them - day spas are not my thing :D).

Life is short. When will you live life if not now?
 
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