BHP FAN
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Pre-nup.
Help! Anti-gun Girlfriend.
- Thread starter ArthurDent
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ArthurDent
Member
Thank you all for your replies. 
I especially like hexidismal's reply. Yes, I'm pushing the issue, but I'm trying to be gentle about it. It is very hard to find someone to be in a relationship with, and even harder when you are older and have high standards like I do. This woman has a LOT to offer!
But, as ArmedBear says, it would be hell to try to live with someone who completely disagreed with you on something so fundamental. Can you imagine being fussed at every time you did anything at all with your hobby? And right now she does comment negatively when she figures out that I'm (legally) carrying, or when I even mention one of my trips to the range. She does seem to be getting more comfortable, though, since she realizes I'm not violent, and I'm concerned about her safety.
So, yes, I'm trying to get to a common ground. Again, I don't expect her to ever like guns, I just want her to accept them without fear and judgment and be able to be safe.
(P.S. hexidismal, I also like your screen name. It's a cute pun on computer geekdom and emotional state.)
I especially like hexidismal's reply. Yes, I'm pushing the issue, but I'm trying to be gentle about it. It is very hard to find someone to be in a relationship with, and even harder when you are older and have high standards like I do. This woman has a LOT to offer!
But, as ArmedBear says, it would be hell to try to live with someone who completely disagreed with you on something so fundamental. Can you imagine being fussed at every time you did anything at all with your hobby? And right now she does comment negatively when she figures out that I'm (legally) carrying, or when I even mention one of my trips to the range. She does seem to be getting more comfortable, though, since she realizes I'm not violent, and I'm concerned about her safety.
So, yes, I'm trying to get to a common ground. Again, I don't expect her to ever like guns, I just want her to accept them without fear and judgment and be able to be safe.
(P.S. hexidismal, I also like your screen name. It's a cute pun on computer geekdom and emotional state.)
Tinpig
Member
My wife is like the OP's girlfriend.
We've been married 42 years and she's a wonderful woman despite her irrational dislike of guns. There are a lot more important things to a successful marriage.
I don't try to change my wife, she doesn't try to change me. I don't rub her face in it. I keep my guns locked up, anyway. If I'm carrying I'm concealed anyway. We both work...the time and money I spend on guns and shooting is as much my own business as what she spends on playing the clarinet and band membership is hers.
It's something we've agreed to disagree on.
I've raised two boys and two girls who love to shoot...we just don't clean the guns on the kitchen table when their mother's around.
Make sure you discuss all this with your girlfriend beforehand. If she's worth having, find a way to make it work.
Tinpig
We've been married 42 years and she's a wonderful woman despite her irrational dislike of guns. There are a lot more important things to a successful marriage.
I don't try to change my wife, she doesn't try to change me. I don't rub her face in it. I keep my guns locked up, anyway. If I'm carrying I'm concealed anyway. We both work...the time and money I spend on guns and shooting is as much my own business as what she spends on playing the clarinet and band membership is hers.
It's something we've agreed to disagree on.
I've raised two boys and two girls who love to shoot...we just don't clean the guns on the kitchen table when their mother's around.
Make sure you discuss all this with your girlfriend beforehand. If she's worth having, find a way to make it work.
Tinpig
oldpuppymax
Member
Don't know how old you are, how old she is or if either of you have been married before. But I DO know that it is in the DNA of women to want to "change" a male into the "perfect mate", especially after marriage. I suggest you find a non-kool aid drinking female, for if she's a lib on guns, you can bet she's a lib on other things as well. So unless you're willing to USE that gun in the future, find another female.
Hani Pasha
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I think that your best option at this point in time is to move very slowly. You've certainly been very wise in introducing her to shooting buddies, that was a good idea.
What you definitely don't want to do is "surprise" her with a trip to the range or something like that. That could go very badly.
Perhaps you could occasionally mention, offhand, that you went shooting the other day, or bought a new rifle, or a new scope, or whatever. Get her used to the idea that you regularly use and enjoy firearms. Either she'll slowly become more receptive, or it will become clear that she's too closed-minded to tolerate such a big part of your life.
Getting her to enjoy shooting is another topic. For now, be conservative.
What you definitely don't want to do is "surprise" her with a trip to the range or something like that. That could go very badly.
Perhaps you could occasionally mention, offhand, that you went shooting the other day, or bought a new rifle, or a new scope, or whatever. Get her used to the idea that you regularly use and enjoy firearms. Either she'll slowly become more receptive, or it will become clear that she's too closed-minded to tolerate such a big part of your life.
Getting her to enjoy shooting is another topic. For now, be conservative.
Grumulkin
Member
I was raised by a mother (not liberal though) who cringed at the mention of guns and a father who, though not antigun, really had no interest in them. In spite of them I turned into a pistol pack'in gun enthusiast.
I think it's entirely possible to have a compatible marriage even though acceptance of guns is divergent but it depends how strongly the beliefs are held. You also wouldn't want to have too many divergent issues (i.e., money, religion, etc.). If the lady's beliefs don't change you may be forever having to explain/justify why you want a new gun, why you want to reload, why you want to go hunting, etc.
In addition, if your girlfriend isn't willing to discuss and logically asses you interest in guns, that same unwillingness will present itself in regards to other marriage issues.
Remember, when a woman gets married, she things she is going to improve the man. When a man gets married, he things the woman will get no worse. They're both wrong.
I think it's entirely possible to have a compatible marriage even though acceptance of guns is divergent but it depends how strongly the beliefs are held. You also wouldn't want to have too many divergent issues (i.e., money, religion, etc.). If the lady's beliefs don't change you may be forever having to explain/justify why you want a new gun, why you want to reload, why you want to go hunting, etc.
In addition, if your girlfriend isn't willing to discuss and logically asses you interest in guns, that same unwillingness will present itself in regards to other marriage issues.
Remember, when a woman gets married, she things she is going to improve the man. When a man gets married, he things the woman will get no worse. They're both wrong.
You know I saw this TV show where this lady from Massachusetts spent a week with a gun nut from the west. This is the type of show where people are picked to provide huge contrasts.
A “Gun culture” was totally foreign to her. The lady actually got physically ill when she shot a handgun for the first time. She had been indoctrinated her entire life to view firearms as killing machines. She pulled the trigger and had visions of murdered people.
At the end of the show she was more tolerant but that did not mean she was interested in owning or shooting firearms in the future. She did find it humorous that she was a good shot. And she went back to gun hating Massachusetts.
Look, people have to be taught to hate. People who live in a gun hating environment are going to be fearful of these things. Maybe they can learn otherwise, maybe not.
I wish you luck. Hope you never have to make an "either/or" choice.
to add another anecdote: I have a female friend who grew up around guns and has shot them in her early life. She had a baby 4 years ago and now she's afraid of guns. She knows that it's illogical and irrational. However she decided to take a rifle class with a female shooter friend of mine to try to overcome it. This kind of stuff does happen but if as you say your GF is educated and smart she has the capacity to overcome her fear.
A lot of people here will try to give you logical arguments as to why no one should fear guns but we're talking strong emotions here and logic simply doesn't apply. Give it time, I think you are doing a good thing here.
A lot of people here will try to give you logical arguments as to why no one should fear guns but we're talking strong emotions here and logic simply doesn't apply. Give it time, I think you are doing a good thing here.
alohachris
Member
Sadly, many people are educated well beyond their ability to think. All a PhD requires is student loans and the ability to regurgitate information.
I would ask he this: What are you telling yourself about guns that gives you this "bad" feeling?
Good Luck
I would ask he this: What are you telling yourself about guns that gives you this "bad" feeling?
Good Luck
Arkansas Paul
Member
Run Forrest rrruuuuunnnnnn.
Seriously though, you asked for advice and when you do that, you ask for others' opinions. Here's mine. I would deal with this situation by putting as much distance between me and her as possible. That's just what I would do. You have to decide for yourself what's important to you.
Seriously though, you asked for advice and when you do that, you ask for others' opinions. Here's mine. I would deal with this situation by putting as much distance between me and her as possible. That's just what I would do. You have to decide for yourself what's important to you.
tenfiftyfour
Member
I can't believe all of the negative and insulting responses itt. A couple posters had it right though, you don't need to have identical beliefs to have a successful relationship. If she is anti-gun but has no problem with you owning/collecting/shooting/etc. then that should be the end of it. If she ever becomes interested it will certainly only be on her terms and that's fine, it could never be forced on her. But she may never warm up to the idea and you'll have to accept that possibility too. I wouldn't end or avoid a relationship on ideology alone, there are too many other important factors.
If she truly is a Ph.D., and I'm not suggesting that she is not, she should be objective enough to study the topic, assess the quality of the full enumerate of available data, and arrive to an informed decision. That a Ph.D. is reticent to do some research would give me a Hades of a lot of pause. Yes, I have a Ph.D. and instruct graduate research.
Eye'z even bin knowd ta've convurtid mea few liburalz inn thee cohlidg wear eye innstuck. Jus cuz sumwon gots a Pee-H-Dee doughn't meen they iz ahl sew smart. <<Sorry...couldn't resist>> Seriously, I have converted 3 or 4 female professors to become gun-toter in my college. They're still liberal, but they're gun-totin' liberals. Yes sirree, Bobbin! I done spoilt 'em for all them liberal men.
Geno
Eye'z even bin knowd ta've convurtid mea few liburalz inn thee cohlidg wear eye innstuck. Jus cuz sumwon gots a Pee-H-Dee doughn't meen they iz ahl sew smart.
<<Sorry...couldn't resist>> Seriously, I have converted 3 or 4 female professors to become gun-toter in my college. They're still liberal, but they're gun-totin' liberals. Yes sirree, Bobbin! I done spoilt 'em for all them liberal men.Geno
One last question and I promise to drop it. Assuming you can get past the guns thing and agree to disagree, are your views and beliefs compatible on other important issues such as abortion, national health care, a strong military, etc.? Regardless of what someone else said here, unless you're desperate, be selective.
DannyinJapan
Member
If you ever feel like the timing is good, take some gourds, pumpkins, squash out in a field and let her shoot at them with a .22
I had a liberla friend in college who was anti-gun until that day. His face was one big smile after exploding a pumpkin with a garand. He didn't go on to buy a gun, but he always remembered that day with a smile.
I had a liberla friend in college who was anti-gun until that day. His face was one big smile after exploding a pumpkin with a garand. He didn't go on to buy a gun, but he always remembered that day with a smile.
From my experience there are two types of liberals: people who are open minded and people who are politically liberal. Try to determine to what extent she falls into each of these two categories. If she has a long standing political agenda, forget about it. On the other hand, some people have had no exposure to guns and are afraid of them solely due to ignorance.
double bogey
Member
I have a good friend with a fiance who is anti gun. Doesn't seem to mind him having guns and hunting though. We have a plan to have a picnic at my place in the woods when the weather gets warmer. Once we get burgers going, and get relaxed, I will bring out a couple .22's. A little bit of plinking and I have not seen anyone yet resist.
Another way I have seen a person convert to pro gun was to have been robbed or raped. We aren't ready to go that far.
Another way I have seen a person convert to pro gun was to have been robbed or raped. We aren't ready to go that far.
Ph.D. in what? One of the "social sciences?" Those degrees ordinarily entail a tremendous amount of far left brainwashing, these days. Mighty hard to penetrate that barrier, too.
Secondly, are you a hunter? If so, how does she feel about you (and other hunters) killing and eating Bambi, etc.?
I lived in Los Angeles for many years. I knew several gun owning, hunting friends and acquaintences who married anti-guns/anti-hunting liberal women who ended up either being forced to get rid of their guns, stop hunting, or live in misery. Some divorced and others just obeyed their wives. Not one was able to change his wife's mind nor demands, even though they "allowed" the men to own guns "BC." (Before Children.)
If you really believe she might change her mind by being presented with logic and reason, you might buy a book entitled "Armed & Female," by Paxton Quigley, E.P. Dutton Publs., New York, (c)1989.
She was an extreme anti-guns woman who was not only a staff member with the Nat'l. Coalition To Ban Handguns, but also worked for Robert Kennedy when he was running for President. After an incident where she was attacked and defensless, she went through an eye-opening transition. She ended up not only becoming an excellent shot, but actually tested and reviewed handguns for Smith & Wesson, relating to what handguns might be more suitable for women and self defense. She also did a 180* turn and became a firm supporter of the Second Amendment.
If your girlfriend reads Quigley's well written, well researched book and then still has the same negative feelings about firearms and self defense........
Uhhhh, as the old saying goes, "Arrivaderci Aligatore!"
L.W.
Secondly, are you a hunter? If so, how does she feel about you (and other hunters) killing and eating Bambi, etc.?
I lived in Los Angeles for many years. I knew several gun owning, hunting friends and acquaintences who married anti-guns/anti-hunting liberal women who ended up either being forced to get rid of their guns, stop hunting, or live in misery. Some divorced and others just obeyed their wives. Not one was able to change his wife's mind nor demands, even though they "allowed" the men to own guns "BC." (Before Children.)
If you really believe she might change her mind by being presented with logic and reason, you might buy a book entitled "Armed & Female," by Paxton Quigley, E.P. Dutton Publs., New York, (c)1989.
She was an extreme anti-guns woman who was not only a staff member with the Nat'l. Coalition To Ban Handguns, but also worked for Robert Kennedy when he was running for President. After an incident where she was attacked and defensless, she went through an eye-opening transition. She ended up not only becoming an excellent shot, but actually tested and reviewed handguns for Smith & Wesson, relating to what handguns might be more suitable for women and self defense. She also did a 180* turn and became a firm supporter of the Second Amendment.
If your girlfriend reads Quigley's well written, well researched book and then still has the same negative feelings about firearms and self defense........
Uhhhh, as the old saying goes, "Arrivaderci Aligatore!"
L.W.
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Occam's Razor
Member
Most fears are born of ignorance. Be patient. With the right approach ignorance (unlike stupidity) can be reversed.
ArthurDent
Member
I don't think we'll ever see eye-to-eye on everything. We're fairly far apart on politics and a few other issues. However, we seem to have amazing compatibility in almost everything else. I like the fact that she thinks for herself, and I would never want to force her to adopt my opinions (as if that's even possible.)
I'm fairly Libertarian. I think the gob'ment should stay the h3!! out of most things, and that we should all stay out of our neighbors' business. We should try to live and let live. She thinks Big Brother should take care of everything. The "Truth" probably lies somewhere in the middle.
I see guns as something that both the Left and Right should be able to agree upon. The Left claims to support human rights and the rights of minorities and the oppressed. What better way to empower the weak members of society than to let them responsibly own the means to defend themselves? (She hasn't bought this argument yet, however.)
Leanwolf, I have already bought her a copy of Paxton Quigley's book (used on Amazon), and she's said she'll read it! I got her this book based on Massad Ayoob's recommendation of it.
She doesn't like hunting at all, but I don't hunt (yet).
This woman is intelligent, and she is thinking about the issue. I'm hoping that her emotional connection to me may lead her to acceptance, even if she never learns to like guns. She may yet change her mind. If not, we may just agree to disagree. As other folks have pointed out, there is much more to a relationship than any single issue.
I'm fairly Libertarian. I think the gob'ment should stay the h3!! out of most things, and that we should all stay out of our neighbors' business. We should try to live and let live. She thinks Big Brother should take care of everything. The "Truth" probably lies somewhere in the middle.
I see guns as something that both the Left and Right should be able to agree upon. The Left claims to support human rights and the rights of minorities and the oppressed. What better way to empower the weak members of society than to let them responsibly own the means to defend themselves? (She hasn't bought this argument yet, however.)
Leanwolf, I have already bought her a copy of Paxton Quigley's book (used on Amazon), and she's said she'll read it!
I got her this book based on Massad Ayoob's recommendation of it.She doesn't like hunting at all, but I don't hunt (yet).
This woman is intelligent, and she is thinking about the issue. I'm hoping that her emotional connection to me may lead her to acceptance, even if she never learns to like guns. She may yet change her mind. If not, we may just agree to disagree. As other folks have pointed out, there is much more to a relationship than any single issue.
NinjaFeint
Member
I would say just be patient and realize not everyone will share your beliefs. She doesn't need to like guns or want to own them, she only needs to be fine with the fact you do. Her acceptance of the guns in your life will be part of her acceptance of you. If it's meant to work, it will work. Buy the ticket and take the ride because you don't want to be wondering ten years from now if you blew it without giving her a chance to come around on guns.
Don't listen to the liberals can't be reasoned with crap people will write here, plenty of liberals in my area are either for guns or ambivalent enough to just go along with the fact people have them.
Also, shame on those that tell you to break up with her. You are all just as ignorant as you claim she or the liberals are if you think life is that simple.
Don't listen to the liberals can't be reasoned with crap people will write here, plenty of liberals in my area are either for guns or ambivalent enough to just go along with the fact people have them.
Also, shame on those that tell you to break up with her. You are all just as ignorant as you claim she or the liberals are if you think life is that simple.
nitetrane98
Member
She must be SMOKIN' hot and a good cook to boot. Why? Why? I know about dry spells but c'mon man, we're talking about an irrational, emotional response here. You know about this going in, do you really think it is going to get better? Or perhaps this might not be the only lilttle "peculiarity" she has?
Remember,"No matter how good they look, somebody, somewhere is tired of putting up with her."
Now that I have my bashing out of the way, perhaps you could ask her the simple question, "Is this a deal breaker to you?" If she says yes, then you have a decision to make. I honestly have never met a woman for whom I would give up my guns. Just ain't going to happen. (OK, maybe temporarily)
Good Luck
Remember,"No matter how good they look, somebody, somewhere is tired of putting up with her."
Now that I have my bashing out of the way, perhaps you could ask her the simple question, "Is this a deal breaker to you?" If she says yes, then you have a decision to make. I honestly have never met a woman for whom I would give up my guns. Just ain't going to happen. (OK, maybe temporarily)
Good Luck
LeontheProfessional
Member
Leanwolf, well put. You said what I was thinking but in better words. I agree with you 100% on th Social Sciences as well.
Bobarino
member
i think that about sums it up right there. i had a great relationship with a girl for 7 years who was anti-gun. i eventually talked her into handling a gun once though. the important part was, she never tried to get me to give them up or prevent me from owning them or try to control me in any way. she would even buy me gift cards for trap shooting or to the local gun shops for my b-day or xmas.
we eventually parted ways over the fact that she changed her mind on having kids (she wanted them all the sudden one day) and i didn't.
we had very little in common and completely different interests but neither of us tried to control the other in regards to things we disagreed on. we would sometimes calmly debate them over a glass of wine or offer to involve the other but there was no pressure.
point is, you don't have to be 100% compatible with the person you're with, even politically. it can make for a dynamic, fun and educational relationship for the both of you. if you really like her, go for it! if she starts to get controlling about guns, or anything else for that matter, or starts laying down ultimatums, (it's the guns or me!") then it's time to throw in the towel.
regardless of the topic, if one person gets to trying to control the other, i'm outty.
Bobby
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