Living with an anti-gun spouse, how do you do it?

[NinjaFeint]

Guns don't sound like the problem. As someone else said, seek couples counseling.

My gf (of 7 years and a joint mortage) doesn't like guns or shooting. She actually has a concealed carry permit, but she owns no guns and does not shoot. We don't really have any more issues with it than the fact that she likes country music and I hate it.

 

[leadcounsel]

Face it, you've drifted apart in opposite and irreconcilable different directions. You've changed. You can no more expect her to change to accomodate you as you could her; and if you could change her, she would forever resent you for it. You've tried steps to fix it; talks, counseling, time... it's not working.

I see four possible ways this plays out:
1) You change to accomodate her - result, disarmed and resentful at best; victim of a crime at some point and angry that she disarmed you

2) She changes to accomodate you - unlikely and if it happened she'd be miserable.

3) Stay together with this disagreement, both living a charade and unhappy. Depending on how it plays out, keep in mind that "allegations" of abuse and restraining orders often carry court ordered surrendering of guns and concealed carry permits!!! BTW, women frequently get 'counseling' from 'victim advocates' and womens groups that the best way to get the house, kids, car, and bank account is to claim some sort of abuse... Keep that in mind. You may one day find yourself abruptly homeless and without your guns... with little warning.

4) Divorce. My suggestion because the writing is plainly on the wall. Work out an agreeable, peaceful plan for dissolution of the marriage, assets, child care plan, etc. Affordable and relatively streamlined. Walk away on good terms. Start over while you're still young. Plenty of amazing pro-gun women out there. Move on. Get your own place. Be your own person. Raise your son with a pro-gun influence when you have custody of him.

Think 5, 10, 20 years down the road. Do you want to be 40 and disarmed? Or do you want to be 40 and then going through a divorce? Do you want your son to grow up fearing guns?

 

[DAP90]

She went from wandering the streets of NYC, Chicago and Oakland alone after midnight (completely unaware) to the opposite end of the spectrum: practically paralyzed with fear.

This makes me think you took it too far. I only say that because you say that it was you who had your eyes opened. I assume you then passed this “eye opening” on to her.

I find the constant fixation on self defense tiresome and I like guns. To someone who has anti-gun tendencies this might seem deranged.

I’m guessing here because I don’t know you but I’d say tone it down.

 

[cdb1]

Hey this is my first post. I had to sign up to get instructions on how to install a happy trigger for my son's Marlin, finally got it done.

Anyway, I don't think your marital issues are about firearms. I think the firearms situation is a symptom not the disease. I was married 23 years and got traded in for a younger model. Any therapist will tell you that the spouse that won't go to counseling because, "they don't need it" is the one that needs fixing the most.

I wish you well and hope things work out for the best for you, your children and your wife.

 

[303tom]

Have no IDEA............

 

[Shadow 7D]

REREAD the thread
sorry that was way off target
my advise is to ask her, really really ask her
if she refuses to work on the marriage, pack her stuff and put it out the front door with the divorce paperwork on top
you leave and she'll keep the house (and that is pretty big when it comes to the kids)

Maybe she'll see the light, or not

This isn't about guns

 

[mljdeckard]

I can't lie man. This one is bad. I'm not there, I'm not a priest, a shrink, or a radio talk show host. But I'm smelling something more than gun conflict here. I think that even if you ditched the guns, and did actually successfully convince yourself that the world is not a dangerous place at all and reverted to how you were before your bubble was busted......this problem will not go away.

 

[doc2rn]

I have been down this road before, mine ended up with me having custody of my daughter, my guns and ownership still intact, and her running off with another guy. Its not about the guns! She has tried repeatedly to crawl back into our lives, but I just keep reminding her of the betrayal and that quickly ends it. There is something else at work here. Next time she brings up the "D" word just say ok, if she wants to pursue that avenue, it may be your only recourse and salvation.

 

[Certaindeaf]

.So I ask for you wisdom and experience. Who out there has found a way to happily coexist with a gun hating, fearful spouse who would rather just pretend bad things can’t happen. How do you do it? How do you learn to respect one another,s differences?.

My Mom. God bless her heart. She's changed over time (for the "better"), but who don't? Leave them alone and accept the fact that you can only affect you.
Life is pretty short and the Jesus knows I hate proselytisers. Good luck.

 

[baylorattorney]

I respect their feelings/beliefs more than mine own. Doesn't mean I convert to their side, it just means I don't flaunt it, I keep it on the downlow.

 

[baylorattorney]

What good is being true to a duty to protect your family when you have no family to defend? It's not worth a divorce. Or is it?

 

[baylorattorney]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I believe you genuinely are in dire straits, but it is certainly not too late.

Nobody can tell you what you should tolerate in a relationship, there are exceptions to every rule. Marriage above all should be honored. Do what you have to do to keep the vows you made to one another.

Communication is the key. Find new ways to communicate. Write letters. Keep an open journal. Try all methods and manners to listen to her and speak your mind too. Good luck and god bless.

COMMUNICATE LISTEN SPEAK

 

[baylorattorney]

Regarding couples counseling... Let me just say, do all you can before you enter into counseling. My experience has been that the majority of couples entering into counseling come out divorced. I've been doing divorce and family law since 1996. Meet her demands totally for a while. Unless you live in a dangerous place, u ought to be ok without your gun for say 30 days, after all she is your partner and your real backup. Y'all have a child and I know every mom worries about guns being around. Get a cane. Everybody here seems to swear by them. Get bear mace. Take the guns to safe place away from the home for a while.

 

[george29]

So I ask for you wisdom and experience. Who out there has found a way to happily coexist with a gun hating, fearful spouse who would rather just pretend bad things can’t happen. How do you do it? How do you learn to respect one another,s differences?
I know this is a difficult question to answer, but I appreciate any thoughts that can be offered.

Lie! You have a marriage, a child, invested time together and divorce sucks (personal experience). Put all your guns in a locked box in the garage and keep a LCR/P3AT on you at all times. Tell her you respect her wishes and you have safely disposed of your weapons. I guarantee you she lies to you all the time too (buying stuff she doesn't need etc), all spouses lie to each other when they are not on the same wave length. You want to keep your wife and your life style and it won't work. Get rid of one or the other.

 

[Dr Dave]

Hate to say it, but I think you saw a strong sign when she quit going to counseling because the problem is you - there's always some culpability on both sides. Wish you the best.

 

[Striker Fired]

I know several couples that went down this road of hatred toward something the other wants.NONE of them stayed together.When one insists on the other to do it "their" way,it just leads to more resentment and hatred.If she is unwilling to go to counsiling, she already knows she is unwilling to stop "her"way. If you give in and do all the "changing",you will be always unhappy and she will get worse ,whatever the underlining issue is,it HAS to be addressed by both of you.If not,divorce is all that is left.

 

[CooterShooter]

My only advice is stop considering your firearms as weapons, and instead look at them as your hobby. I know this seems counter intuitive, and it's very noble of you to want to protect your family, but for your wife's benefit at least, it's better if the guns appear as "toys" if you will, so that they won't remind her of the reality of the situation. A spouse might become annoyed if you obsess over a championship-winning golf club, for instance, but it's not going to be a reminder of the world we live in. And when it comes down to it, whether you treat your firearm as a weapon or a hobby, whether she knows what it's really there for, it's going to be there to get the job done when you need it most. We should protect our families. As men, it's our responsibility to see to that, but they shouldn't have to worry about it.

 

[Plan2Live]

There is no good answer here. If counseling fails then you have a very tough choice to make, at least until your kids are old enough to decide who they want to live with.

It underscores the significance of the first rule of self defense, avoidance. Unfortunately you are too far in to avoid this situation. But thank you for sharing. Maybe other single/divorced guys and gals will read this thread and make sure any potential partner is 100% on board with personal safety before they get too far into a relationship. I recently began seeing someone and brought this topic up on our second date. Yesterday she was out shopping and picked up a new shirt for me. She commented that she made sure it had a long tail to accomodate my CC pistol. I think she's a keeper. I wish you well and hope the two of you can find a compromise.

 

[Sav .250]

Damm the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" Now we`ll see who wears the pants in your family.

 

[Ohio Gun Guy]

My wife was no fan of guns when we married. She knew I had them though. Over the years I've snuck in some conversations with her. She still doesnt like them, but does not object. I think the biggest thing that has helped is knowing other women in our area who's husbands are just like me, regarding guns. (Some report having it "Worse", LOL) My wife didnt grow up with them and thought they were something Normal people didnt have. Then apparently when it came up with the other Moms/wives she found out that in our area it is pretty normal. The other thing that "Helped" is that she often sold things on Craigslist, which I often stated was not worth the risks involved. One time a real wierdo kept calling and openly asking about my schedule, when I would and wouldnt be home. That was kind of like the Generator she thought we didnt need, until the power was out for 3+ days. I joked about selling it a while ago and she was firmly against that. I think she also now sees the value of the guns I keep secure (Safe from the kids) but ready just in case. It is an emotional argument for them, its not a bull in the china shop discussion IMO. In your case some outside help sounds like its needed. Arguments shouldnt go to threatening divorice, we dont agree on everything but it doesnt come to that. You pastor may be able to help there may be more than a gun issue here.

 

[gp911]

I'll just add that, in my first marriage, I put aside everything she was complaining about. Guns, hobbies, friends, my side of the family, etc. Eventually I woke up and realized how toxic the situation was. Being divorced was hard, but living in that marriage was harder on me, her, and our toddler son. Not saying your situation is as severe as mine was, but I remember asking people the same questions about living with her. We get along well now that we're able to seek happiness elsewhere and just come together to raise our son.

 

[jad0110]

Wow, I really do appreciate all the responses. They have truly given me a lot of different points to think about.

I do have to run, I'll respond later with more specific info. To clarify my OP on a couple of items quickly:

1. I make it clear to her that the guns serve 2 purposes for me: protection and my hobby (my ONLY hobby, I might add) ... I don't do "guys night out", I don't have a boat that eats $$$, I don't go to the gym for hours on end, etc. Heck, I've been so busy with work and home projects lately that I only got out shooting 4 or 5 times in all of 2011. I used to get out every few weeks.

2. I (and my friends and family) would say that my awareness does not cross into excessive worry, paranoia, etc about being attacked. Basically, most of the time I'm in what Col Cooper would call "condition yellow" - a relaxed state of alertness. For example, when in a restaurant, I usually glance up at new patrons coming in, just to make a quick assessment, and that's it. Though you know, I don't feel comfortable with my back to a room. Interestingly, my wife is aware of this and she always picks a table where I can best see what's going on. Odd of her, now that I think about it.

3. Financially, we have no debt other than our mortgage (and it represents under 25% of my net monthly take home pay), I earn about double the national average and we do keep a detailed monthly budget - EXCEPT we do have "fun money" that we can each do with whatever we please. Same thing with gift money received, bonuses, etc. So that's where my gun/shooting budget comes from.

So I would describe "money" stresses in our relationship as existing, but being less than average. Ironic, that is often the flash point most of the time, but not for us.

Gotta go, but I'll be back later.

 

[Mousegun]

Didn't have the time to read all the posts and maybe this is a dupe but have you tried finding a LEO that could back you up and talk to her about the stats on crime and what the individual should do to prevent it?

 

[Loosedhorse]

Some comedian once said...

That he couldn't understand married couples who were together for 10 or more years, and then divorced for irreconcilable differences: "After 10 years, the only differences left are the irreconcilable ones!"

You don't have to agree on everything. You do have to respect her feelings and values, and she yours. Explain to her why guns are centrally important to you, that it's not just an "option" like whether to buy white shoes or not. Allow her to express her feelings against guns.

And find compromise and co-existence. If you're not prepared to have her change your mind, don't expect to change hers.

Ever. Good luck to you both.

 

[jpwilly]

Fear based thinking is very destructive. There are times a bit of fear can help someone avoid really bad situations and consequences. Living in fear on the other hand isn't healthy and should be dealt with. It is her choice to keep living with fear or decide make new choices.

The next step isn't easy but she needs to ask what is causing her to feel fear what is the trigger not looking for the story but the root of the issue. We create our own reality!

Hers has been altered by a realization she didn't welcome.