Wife/Girlfriend is ANTI! What to do??

[Aguila Blanca]

I can see you're point here. This really does hand her the reins of our relationship. Honestly, I don't want to walk out, but why would I? I've had six+ years of good relationship with this girl, and that is a lot to leave over an issue that I am hoping to change her mind about. I think it will take something as severe as just buying the gun and saying "deal with it or don't" to break this routine. And I don't think (Hawkmoon) that what I am doing here is the same as what she is doing. I am trying to compromise, where as she is being uncooperative. Not only that, but I am trying to enjoy a hobby that is my legal right. She is irrationally opposed to something that I have every right to.

You are trying to alter her perception, she is trying to alter yours. You don't see that as doing the same thing?

You are trying to compromise and she is being uncooperative? How do you think she views it? My guess is that she thinks you are being uncooperative, that "allowing" you to go to the range periodically and shoot rental guns to her IS compromise. I also suspect that she finds your interest in guns to be as irrational as you find her hate for/fear of them.

So you think you are trying to compromise. Explain to me again what the "compromise" is that you're offering her. You're not offering her a compromise ... by your own admission, you are trying to change her mind. Whether or not you choose to admit it, you have bought into a power struggle before you are even married.

 

[shootinstudent]

Three points I'd add:
1. Best advice I ever got about dating was to watch how the object of your affection treats the wait staff at a nice restraunt, because that's how they'll be treating you in a couple of months. This is best done early in the realationship, and it kept me from making a couple of big mistakes.

Man, in retrospect that one is so true it hurts.

Honestly, if you're relying on an internet forum for "should I stay or should I go" advice on a girl you've been with for 6 years, you're already so far off the smart-relationship-reservation that you need to be alone and rethink all the big life questions for yourself.

 

[ShootingEnthusiatist]

Take Her Along...

Hey Ruger451! Have you tried to invite her to come along to the range? My fiancee is not anti, but I always try to include her in my obsession (as she calls it). I don't know about you, but I strongly feel TRTKABA is something worth protecting, and if she's unwilling to see your side of the argument you may be in for some long-term trouble.

Anyway, I don't know you or your woman so I can't really comment on your situation per se. Good luck and keep shooting!

 

[PlayboyPenguin]

Lobotomy Boy

I did not even see those posts. I am openly gay so I would not consider them an insult as long as they were not presented negatively. However, that does not mean i do not know what I am talking about. A doctor doesn't have to have cancer to know how to treat it. I went to college for six years after all to learn this stuff. Plus, i could very easily say to you that maintaining a relationship with another man in a homophobic society is even harder than a straight relationship but I have managed to do it for over 14 years now.

 

[nvshooter]

Dump her right now!

Dump this broad right now! What are you going to feel when you make ready to go to the range one day, you gather your gear and head to your gun cabinet to get your rifle or handguns. You discover all your guns are gone. You ask your precious girlfriend where are my guns and she says " I threw all those evil guns away. I don't want any guns in this house anymore-- period." Dump this broad right now before you face this situation for real. You have been forewarned...

 

[Lobotomy Boy]

As I wrote in the deleted posts, I would have agreed with you 100 percent up until somewhere between my fifth and seventh year of marriage. I too have an post-graduate degree, along with an undergraduate minor in psychology, so I know where you're coming from on the education front. I was in grad school alone for four years and in college for a total of nine years (I took my time and got a bunch of degrees in an attempt to time my final graduation with my wife's earning her master's degree). I thought I'd learned a lot, but that formal education was nothing compared to the learning required to remain married for 18 years.

Have you ever seen the film "As Good as it Gets"? Remember the scene in which the Jack Nicholson character explains how he creates such believable female carachters? I think that scene is about as close as the male of the species is ever going to get to getting inside the heads of the females of the species. A man claiming to understand the nature of women is like a human claiming to understand the nature of god, or a flea claiming to understand the nature of a dog. No psychological paradigm takes that into account; therefore to me they are all suspect when it comes to relationship counseling. I believe the only truly useful male counselor for heterosexual relationships would be one has had his psyche beaten senseless by decades of trying to understand the way his female partner's mind works and failing to do so. Until you reach that point of surrender, you will be operating at a disadvantage, when trying to help heterosexual couples, in my opinion. As a psych student, I would have considered your advice sound. As a man happily married to a woman for nearly two decades, your advice only serves to remind me why the rarified atmosphere of academe leads to theories that are often too far removed from real experience to be useful in practical application.

Believe it or not, I posted a more-pithy version of the above in defense of one of your earlier posts.

Please don't take this as a condemnation of you or your profession. This is just an opinion I have adopted over time. As I get older, I increasingly abandon what I now see as unrealistically idealistic ideas I held in college and adopt more cynical ideas like the one above. That might make me a worse person, but I find the more cynical world view I hold today more closely matches the reality I experience than do the more utopian ideas of my youth.

As for sexual orientation, there is only one thing I consider perverted, and that is meddling in the sex lives of others. The way I see it, the only people who's sex lives concern me are me and my wife. By my way of thinking, that makes any consenting adult's sex life their own business and any anti-gay activist a major pervert.

 

[Cuda]

They say opposites attract, not so sure it works with long term relationships, ie: marriage..

I've been with my wife almost 30 years and although we don't agree on everything we do agree on what I call the core beliefs.. Guns, kids, religion, politics, money (all of it being hers) and so forth. I can't imagine having to argue with her every time I wanted to go to the range or buy another gun. You do what's right for you but be forwarned...

JMO

W

 

[slow944]

My wife and I of 35 yrs have been argueing over guns since I was drafted in 1970. When I was an MP at Ft. Bliss (don't know where they got that name) in El Paso Tx. I brought my service pistol home and the argument started. I just purchased a used Taurus PT99 in 9mm and we're still fighting, even though I only have 1 pistol, 1 rifle, and my Dad's old shotgun in the house right now. I've tried to get her to the range to shoot since the beginning, she has never gone with me or our son with whom I shoot regularly. His wife comes with us to shoot and I may get my daughter to go one of these days but not yet. Still trying. But as everyone has said "Your're not going to change her mind unless she wants to, and she wont be able to change yours unless you want to". But every time I go to the range I ask my wife and daughter to come along, still trying. But you said you've dated your girlfriend since Highschool, but only lived with her for the last year and a half. When you date or live with a person for years without being in a marriage the female of the pair starts to act as if you were married and wants to start changeing the male partner into her "idea" of a perfect mate to start the family that "most women want". Now you come along and throw in the "GUN" card and she doesn't want to give up her perfect family idea. So before you marry this girl you need to have a long "heart to heart" so she'll now what you "idea of family" is and why guns are to be a part of it. If you cant reach a comprimise then you both will have to reconsider the relationship and if it will continue. Also understand that when you do something that she doesn't approve of you will be punished for not obeying. I know because I've slept on the couch more than one night. So if your staying with her just for the sex part of the relationship, thats not a good reason. Just my 35yrs of experience talking.....Slow944

 

[Sam Adams]

I'll chime in with my $0.02 as well. RUN AWAY!!!

First of all, you will be made miserable during your marriage.

Second, when you have your first kid, she will undoubtedly tell you "I don't want those things around MY CHILDREN, so either they go or I do."

Third, if either of you leaves, I can virtually guarantee that she or her lawyer will claim that you threatened her with a gun, thereby guaranteeing at least a huge (and hugely expensive) legal battle over that, and maybe a lifetime gun ban.

Oh, and as an added bonus, people who are so hopelessly anti-gun tend also to have many different neuroses. It is better that you know this now, as living with such a person is not an easy thing.

She may have a hot bod, and maybe even a playful sense of humor, but she'll make your life a living Hell. There are other fish out there - get out the old rod & reel and start again.

 

[torpid]

Also understand that when you do something that she doesn't approve of you will be punished for not obeying. I know because I've slept on the couch more than one night.

I've never understood this "person in doghouse sleeps on couch" thing.
It's your bed too, isn't it? If your S/O is so mad at you that they can't stand sleeping in the same bed... "Well, if you feel that strongly about avoiding me, the couch is free, dear- goodnight."

.

 

[slocum]

am trying to compromise, where as she is being uncooperative. Not only that, but I am trying to enjoy a hobby that is my legal right. She is irrationally opposed to something that I have every right to.

Two things.

First, it is essential that you understand the true nature of compromise. Compromise is the abandonment of your principles in favor of the adoption of another's for the sake of reaching agreement. Thus, compromise is not something one should undertake lightly for it represents utter capitulation on matters of foundational principle. You say you're trying to compromise and in so doing you are, in reality, surrendering a core value because someone else says you have to. You sure that's what you want to do?

Second, I have something I say to people who one way or another end up in front of my car when it's the last place they ought to be at that moment. To pedestrians and poor drivers alike I opine, "Just because you have the right of way, that doesn't mean it's a good idea to insist on it."

This concept is applicable here. Just because YOU have the right to have a gun it doesn't mean it's a good idea to insist on it. You legal rights have NOTHING whatsoever to do with what may be the best way to conduct your your personal affairs.

I urge you to keep these things in mind. They're INCREDIBLY important things to understand and embrace. Most folks aren't exposed to these concepts except through their own epiphany as they pass through life. These are a couple of the things you learn by allowing life to carry you along in its current and flow. You've been given a glimpse of things you will undersant to be true ten years or so from now. Do try to make use of them now. There's really no reason not to.

s

 

[Ruger451]

"You are trying to alter her perception, she is trying to alter yours. You don't see that as doing the same thing?"

Written as such, yes, we are both trying to change each other's opinions. But it is the manner in which we are trying to achieve this result that we differ. I am hoping to educate her and give her positive experiences, where as she is setting ultimatums and giving me the "all or nothing" schpeel.

Also, as I understand compromise (albeit in my limited years of experience), it is a result of both people giving in on some of what they want, but retaining their core ideas. It is changing the details to gives both parties some of what they want. It is the old saying, "A good compromise leaves both parties feeling like they gave up something" (Or one of the million other variations ).

What I would like is for her to accept that I will own guns, and I will accept that they won't be kept loaded, next to the bed, or even in the house if it must be. Believe me, in a perfect world, she'd let me keep a loaded revolver and and a shotgun at ready under the bed, but I can accept less. She would have no guns anywhere, but I hope that she can accept less too.

Chris

 

[Working Man]

My last girl was not anti at all, we just split cause it wasn't going any where.

Now the girl before was very anti, both with guns because "they were made
to kill" and motorcycles because they are dangerous. The thing is, not once
did she try to change me. She let me know how she felt and things were left
at that.

She does not have to like all your choices but she does have to respect them
(respect you) or move on.

 

[ryan b]

Im going to put my 2 bits in on this one. My wife and mother-in-law was kinda anti gun till one night we had someone tring to breakinto our house. as they called the police I picked up my badge as I am also a Officer. retrieved my 45 colt and took a position to the door they were tring to come into. (NOTE) it took 14 min for them to arrive. My suggestion is to ask why they are anti-gun and listen to her feelings. I own several firearms and hunt and shoot frequently. I got my wife into it several years ago and although she dont shoot much she knows how to. I dont know there views completely as to why they are against firearms (Scared of them or what) but if you are wanting this relationship to work it is a 2 way street and if she can not give a little and at least try something that you enjoy it will not work and you will not be happy. My wife have a agreement she gets jewlery I get guns. (You Will Love This) out of the blue my wife told me that there was a gun show that weekend and wanted to know if I wanted to go and if she could too. Remember she was a little anti-gun too.


"give em another barrel"

 

[Pilot]

The more I think about this, the more I believe it is all about RESPECT. She does not respect your views nor you if she is acting like this. If you give in, she will respect you even less and the next issue she'll expect to win also. And there WILL be a next issue. Maybe, you'll want to take flying lessons, which is another point of contention sometimes. Or, you'll want to get a dog, etc. It will not end. Loose now and loose for your life with her.

If you do give in or compromise to the point of not being able to have a gun in the house, your run the risk of loosing your own self respect. Character and self esteem are not given to us, like the public school educators want us to believe, it is earned through our actions in life.

 

[GEM]

If you are willing not to have the gun in the house then why bother? Is it a just a sports toy then?

The raison d'etre of the American firearm is as a weapon such that you can defend yourself, loved one or the country in extreme circumstances. It is not a bowling ball.

If the solution is such that you keep the guns away from the house and then go to plink - get another hobby and make the woman happy.

If you find that having a gun is for my reasons above, again - you rationally present the case for having them - in the house, give in totally or break up.

There are plenty of other women in the world, no relationship is unique.

Again - if you make a rational case for ownership and she is emotional - then bail out or accept your whipped status.

 

[slocum]

Also, as I understand compromise (albeit in my limited years of experience), it is a result of both people giving in on some of what they want, but retaining their core ideas. It is changing the details to gives both parties some of what they want. It is the old saying, "A good compromise leaves both parties feeling like they gave up something" (Or one of the million other variations ).

In some cases this is correct. However, it is not in this one. The question is whether it is a reasonable thing for you to own a gun. Other aspects of the issue are not relevant to your girlfriend. Just ask her. She doesn't want you to own a gun and she'll be more than happy to tell you that this is the bottom line. For her a compromise means turning her back on one of her core values.

Your position is that you have a right (highest priority) and a desire (secondary priority) to own a gun. For you compromise means turning your back on both of these things and allowing an infringment on a right that you claim you value deeply. And rights are funny things. They tend to be absolute. Either you have them or you don't. There can be no compromise.

Please try to accept these words in the spirit in which they are offered - as serious advice. I do not want you to feel like you're being talked down to - because you're not. Look, you'll do what you want to do but you need to understand that you are standing on the border of two zones of your life - one of being a student and the other of being an adult in society. They are not the same thing.

In a way your life has been largely theoretical in nature. Sure you have to pay the rent, go grocery shopping, wash your clothes, etc., but that's only the beginning of living a responsible life. There's a lot more coming - life becomes A LOT more practical. Someday you'll get a good job, own a nice car, have a nice house, and have lovely children. Each thing added piles on to the limited sized plate of your life. You learn that decisions of all kinds become harder to make because there are more considerations involved.

Owning a gun is a decision that is one that has been at your disposal for only a small percentage of your life thus far. That decision has consequences that are real in the minds of EVERYONE around you who knows that you've made it. This is one of those decisions that is more adult in nature and carries with it more things to think about than your rights and desires.

I will conclude with this observation - Other than abortion, guns are probably the MOST contentious issue in America today. THAT'S the fire you've begun playing with. It's a WHOLE LOT more than a simple decision.

s

 

[mbt2001]

My wife was ANTI GUN in a big way when we started dating and were first married. Most women are. Just irrationally anti gun.

Well anyway, one night we got a call at about 2 am and it kinda worried me. So I took stock of the situation. I have used and been around guns and know a lot about them, so I decided to get one. I told quite her frankly that I was getting a gun for protection and that if she wanted to get divorced over it, fine by me but we were going to get one. If after we got it she couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't sleep, et cetera then we would get rid of it, but the simple fact is I am getting one.

She went through a ton of arguments. I told her if someone came in the house, what was I going to do?? She said get a baseball bat and I told her that shooting someone was 1.) more certain 2.) more humane 3.) less messy. Beating someone's brains out, stabbing them, cutting their arm off with a sword would leave psych damages and it was disgusting to ask me to do it when we had an alternative. What if there were more than one, what if there were four... I might get one, but not all. What if they had a gun??

After having the conversation and then getting the gun, I sat her down and took out the gun and put it on the table. It was a Glock 19, so I explained that the gun had a trigger safety and would not go off unless it had been purposefully loaded and the trigger pulled. I then told her that she should know how to load and unload the gun so as to render it "safe". We worked on it for a little and then I put it up.

After that she got more and more OK with it. Her confidence built until she wasn't afraid of them. It was a process, but I explained things to, regarding safety, I taught her the correct grip and to not put her finger over the trigger unless she was going to kill something. That is their purpose. I can understand a women's point of view on guns. Don't be condescending, but explain your opinions and listen to her concerns. If Lennox Lewis broke into your house, who is going to check it out? Who is going to stop him? She will get the idea real quick.

It finally came full circle when there was someone who had gotten into our back yard at 4 am and we could hear him trying to jimmy the door. I grabbed the gun and she called 911. The folks ran for high country and she told me later that she was glad I got the gun...

Also explain to her that this is a RIGHT guaranteed to the populace and that the ANTI's have it wrong. Guns are not evil. It is because of guns that a 5' tall woman can walk down the street at night. Guns equalize. Before that, whoever was biggest and strongest did what they wanted. With guns, even the smallest voice can be heard. Civilization, as we know it, owes it's existence to guns.

Good luck buddy!

 

[jlbraun]

I actually asked my mother why women are anti-gun.

She said that women are wired as life-givers and caretakers, and men are wired as protectors.

She continued, saying that men naturally see firearms as fulfilling their natural role as protectors, and women see firearms as not fitting into either life-giving or caretaking, so they naturally see them as only good for killing people - because they don't understand and aren't wired for protection.

Smart words, and my mother votes Democrat.

 

[Rich K]

My ex wife once told me " Either thos guns go or I do." I tried to change her mind , unsuccessfully, for a good number of years. After the divorce, the first date with any gal was the suggestion, " Let's go to the range, with dinner or lunch afterward." The current s/o was the one who said " Honey, when are you going to take me out shooting?" She heard from a partner of mine at work that I hung out on a pistol range a couple of days per week, and we just went from there. I have been infinitely happier ever since.

 

[dpesec]

Unless there's a good reason - RUN and don't look back.
My GF doesn't like guns, but she's not anti. She makes jokes about me being armed. This weekend we went to some horseraces, I had two pistols packed with me.
The reason she's not happy about guns is her older brother killed himself with one. So I understand.

 

[Templar223]

Get rid of her.

Get rid of her.

If you don't agree on it now, it will only get worse.

John

 

[Brrlgrrl]

Ruger,
Maybe the title should have been SO is an anti......
I have the opposite situation, I'm the conservative "gun nut" in the house and although my boyfriend owns firearms, he has a much more liberal view. It is true that opposites attract, and it can work out, but much of it depends on the individuals.
I must be the statistic on this board, as I own more firearms than the man of the house!

 

[pax]

Brrlgrrl ~

So do I.

I'm fortunate though: mine's not anti, nor even neutral. Politically, he's one of us. But I like to shoot. He comes to the range with me only when I push him into it.

pax

 

[JohnKSa]

Ruger451,

I see you willing to give a mile or two and she unwilling to give an inch. So far I don't see any compromise--I see you being dictated to. That is a VERY BAD sign at this stage in a relationship.

And, even at the risk of being repetitive, I think it's worth saying again.

This is NOT the time for heavy duty compromise. This is a time to be deciding about compatibility. If you are already having these kinds of compatibility issues BEFORE marriage, it's time to start looking elsewhere.

You don't go INTO marriage knowing that you are diametrically opposed on major issues (and you've mentioned more than one, so the plural is correct). That's not a sound strategy.

The ONLY way I would recommend that you stay together is if you are both sterile and don't plan to adopt. You think you're weary NOW, just wait till the kids come.

Remember, she doesn't have to compromise. All she has to do is claim you hit her and the problem is solved from her perspective--you will never own or possess a gun legally again.