baylorattorney
Member
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2011
- Messages
- 489
You say she gets along great with your dad on the home improvement issue, then I believe she will get along great with you as well, in time.
Living with an anti-gun spouse, how do you do it?
- Thread starter jad0110
- Start date
- Status
Funny thing about tension is that it is always created by two (or more) opposing forces. Tension will exist as long as those forces are at work against each other.
This means, that however stubborn or disagreeable your wife may be... You are also a major force in maintaining your current marital tension.
Something has to give for the tension to go away. If the tension is held for too long, one of you will break and that ends in divorce or prison time.
Here's an experiment for you to try to see what happens if YOU give on this issue... go rent one of those storage bins and put all your guns in there. Just get them out of the house. (maybe keep your favorite hidden just in case). Then tell her you got rid of the guns and see what happens. Stop with your "situational awareness" and all of the other preparatory efforts and see if anything changes. Give it a month or so and see if your problems go away.
If you do this, you don't actually get rid of your guns... you still have them in a safe location should the world come to an end... and you get an effective test to see if your guns are really the issue.
- end of the practical post -
General comment - I have a friend going through a similar situation. He figured out a few years ago that he loves guns and started collecting them and making trips to the range every other weekend or so. He buys one or two guns a year (usually in the $500 range) and spends about $50 per range visit. His wife hates it and it is a point of contention between the two of them. They both handle the situation quite poorly but my third party observation leads me to believe her attitude is the primary driver behind ALL related issues.
On the one hand, she's pissed that guns are his hobby. On the other... he doesn't really care whether she likes them or not. Meaning, he's not putting it in her face every day or telling her that she needs to get involved. It's a very passive hobby and he doesn't really bring it into "their world". Regardless, she's unhappy with it and cites all sorts of "practical" objections to it... financial issues, safety issues, time with the family, etc... and then criticizes him for not having golf as a hobby instead of guns.
Ironically, her arguments are counterintuitive since alternative popular hobbies would likely be more taxing based on the objections she raises. (think cars, golf, seasonal football tickets, whatever) Thus, she clearly has some sort of prejudice towards the hobby in general... or does she?
Interesting speculative observation - after speaking with her in depth about an unrelated topic, I discovered a character element that I found interesting. Her infatuation with him golfing has nothing to do with him being happy but with her being happy... how so, you may ask? Because her "prince charming" is a golfer. She wants him to CHANGE his interests so that they better align with her fairy tale husband. I also found out that she's dissatisfied with his income level and several other things that create marital tension and (GUESS WHAT?!?!?!) manifest themselves in the form of her complaining about guns and being generally pissed off at this gun hobby. So where is the real problem?
Interesting to anyone else??? it is to me.
This means, that however stubborn or disagreeable your wife may be... You are also a major force in maintaining your current marital tension.
Something has to give for the tension to go away. If the tension is held for too long, one of you will break and that ends in divorce or prison time.
Here's an experiment for you to try to see what happens if YOU give on this issue... go rent one of those storage bins and put all your guns in there. Just get them out of the house. (maybe keep your favorite hidden just in case). Then tell her you got rid of the guns and see what happens. Stop with your "situational awareness" and all of the other preparatory efforts and see if anything changes. Give it a month or so and see if your problems go away.
If you do this, you don't actually get rid of your guns... you still have them in a safe location should the world come to an end... and you get an effective test to see if your guns are really the issue.
- end of the practical post -
General comment - I have a friend going through a similar situation. He figured out a few years ago that he loves guns and started collecting them and making trips to the range every other weekend or so. He buys one or two guns a year (usually in the $500 range) and spends about $50 per range visit. His wife hates it and it is a point of contention between the two of them. They both handle the situation quite poorly but my third party observation leads me to believe her attitude is the primary driver behind ALL related issues.
On the one hand, she's pissed that guns are his hobby. On the other... he doesn't really care whether she likes them or not. Meaning, he's not putting it in her face every day or telling her that she needs to get involved. It's a very passive hobby and he doesn't really bring it into "their world". Regardless, she's unhappy with it and cites all sorts of "practical" objections to it... financial issues, safety issues, time with the family, etc... and then criticizes him for not having golf as a hobby instead of guns.
Ironically, her arguments are counterintuitive since alternative popular hobbies would likely be more taxing based on the objections she raises. (think cars, golf, seasonal football tickets, whatever) Thus, she clearly has some sort of prejudice towards the hobby in general... or does she?
Interesting speculative observation - after speaking with her in depth about an unrelated topic, I discovered a character element that I found interesting. Her infatuation with him golfing has nothing to do with him being happy but with her being happy... how so, you may ask? Because her "prince charming" is a golfer. She wants him to CHANGE his interests so that they better align with her fairy tale husband. I also found out that she's dissatisfied with his income level and several other things that create marital tension and (GUESS WHAT?!?!?!) manifest themselves in the form of her complaining about guns and being generally pissed off at this gun hobby. So where is the real problem?
Interesting to anyone else??? it is to me.
leadcounsel
member
I would not follow some of the advice here, including having a friend mock rob you or writing things out in a note - if you're possibly facing divorce, that note could be used agianst you...
Congrats on the updates, hope it works out.
Congrats on the updates, hope it works out.
Arkansas Paul
Member
Sounds like things are looking up. That's good.
Steve CT
Member
I guess I got lucky. My wife (of 35 years) has never been anti, just indifferent to a little negative. Last week she told me that she had completed the NRA Basic Pistol class and is ready to apply for her Carry Permit. I was pretty damn shocked when she dropped that on me.
Arkansas Paul
Member
That's a good kind of shocked there Steve.
Shadow 7D
Member
Ask her to read this, it shows that she isn't that far from being 'normal'
and neither are you
might help as a conversation piece
Also I would insist that she understand the basics, if for no other reason than to understand how to safe a gun if she or your child 'stumbles' on one somewhere.
and neither are you
might help as a conversation piece
Also I would insist that she understand the basics, if for no other reason than to understand how to safe a gun if she or your child 'stumbles' on one somewhere.
c.latrans
Member
Just a thought which may or may not apply in your case, but does your wife have access to your guns? If so, I might consider moving most of them to your folks house for safe storage. My logic? On one occasion a family member and his wife had a blow up, not a rare deal for them, but in the heat of the moment she sold several of his guns, along with some of his other stuff. Given the severity of your ladys monthly visits from Aunt Flo.......................something to ponder. Good luck to you and your family.
WALKERs210
Member
I tease my wife all the time that she is a TEXAS YANKEE. Born in Texas but basically raised in the north. Her and her first husband had no guns around and didn't even allow one in their home. Now she has been converted to a true blue Alabama Redneck. Handguns was something she had no interest in until one night around midnight a stoned out nut actually forced his way into the house. She now owns her own pistol and has a decent working knowledge of the shotguns.
USAF_Vet
Member
First, I'll admit to not reading every post in the thread.
My first marriage: We were young, I was active duty in the Air Force, far away from anyone I knew and anything that made much sense (stationed in California at the time). My first wife and I had a few common interests, but admittedly, my interests were constantly changing. I latched on to the shared interests we had, and convinced myself they were genuine despite the fact they were already flagging. I tried the 'fake it til you make it' approach, but it didn't work. My interests and beliefs changed, simple as that. I changed, she didn't. I was a suburbanite kid from Kentucky, she was an emancipated teen who grew up in San Francisco, we were worlds apart. Also, I'm naturally selfish. I know this. For a very long time, I had a level of disposable income where I could afford the toys and accoutrements of my interests. I accumulated a lot of junk, and again, my interests changed from month to month. Anyway, over time, she grew more liberal, I grew more conservative. We tried counseling, but neither one of us wanted to accept any fault, knowing that we each had problems, but didn't want to face them in ourselves. Counseling doesn't work unless you're both willing to be honest with yourselves from the first second.
My current wife and I have a few more similarities and common interests. For the most part, my interests have finally settled into a more predicable pattern, which now includes guns. I do still have some of the same selfish behaviors, and my impulsive purchases haven't been completely curbed. Mostly, but still not totally. She grew up around guns, and enjoys shooting, just not as much as I do. She doesn't like my SKS, but handled my buddies AR-15 yesterday, and she liked it. So naturally, my thoughts drifted to a purchase of an AR-15. She liked it, so what would be the problem?
The problem is me. She liked the AR, but there are a lot of things she likes a lot more than the AR, and the purchase of the AR would honestly be more for me than for her. So, you see, while I could justify it, I've been able to see where MY problems are, and acquiring an AR for her over something else she would like/ want/ use more would be a foolish gesture.
OP, I obviously don't know anything about you other than what you've posted in this situation. I don't know your financial situation, your gun budget, her wants needs and desires, or if they are being met. In my case, I sell stuff I don't use to fund purchases for guns. We simply don't have the discretionary funds to purchase guns, and our arrangement is kosher. I have admitted to myself that I had a problem and it would eventually drive a wedge between my wife and I. With my first wife, I was at the point where I no longer gave a crap if we split up. We were too different and no amount of counseling or attitude changes would change all that. This time around, I don't want to make the same mistakes. I've already made some of them, and I hope I can catch myself in time to stop and make amends.
I have to agree with the prospect that your zeal for defending your family (and owning the guns to do so) might be a driving force for losing what you zealously stand by to defend.
My first marriage: We were young, I was active duty in the Air Force, far away from anyone I knew and anything that made much sense (stationed in California at the time). My first wife and I had a few common interests, but admittedly, my interests were constantly changing. I latched on to the shared interests we had, and convinced myself they were genuine despite the fact they were already flagging. I tried the 'fake it til you make it' approach, but it didn't work. My interests and beliefs changed, simple as that. I changed, she didn't. I was a suburbanite kid from Kentucky, she was an emancipated teen who grew up in San Francisco, we were worlds apart. Also, I'm naturally selfish. I know this. For a very long time, I had a level of disposable income where I could afford the toys and accoutrements of my interests. I accumulated a lot of junk, and again, my interests changed from month to month. Anyway, over time, she grew more liberal, I grew more conservative. We tried counseling, but neither one of us wanted to accept any fault, knowing that we each had problems, but didn't want to face them in ourselves. Counseling doesn't work unless you're both willing to be honest with yourselves from the first second.
My current wife and I have a few more similarities and common interests. For the most part, my interests have finally settled into a more predicable pattern, which now includes guns. I do still have some of the same selfish behaviors, and my impulsive purchases haven't been completely curbed. Mostly, but still not totally. She grew up around guns, and enjoys shooting, just not as much as I do. She doesn't like my SKS, but handled my buddies AR-15 yesterday, and she liked it. So naturally, my thoughts drifted to a purchase of an AR-15. She liked it, so what would be the problem?
The problem is me. She liked the AR, but there are a lot of things she likes a lot more than the AR, and the purchase of the AR would honestly be more for me than for her. So, you see, while I could justify it, I've been able to see where MY problems are, and acquiring an AR for her over something else she would like/ want/ use more would be a foolish gesture.
OP, I obviously don't know anything about you other than what you've posted in this situation. I don't know your financial situation, your gun budget, her wants needs and desires, or if they are being met. In my case, I sell stuff I don't use to fund purchases for guns. We simply don't have the discretionary funds to purchase guns, and our arrangement is kosher. I have admitted to myself that I had a problem and it would eventually drive a wedge between my wife and I. With my first wife, I was at the point where I no longer gave a crap if we split up. We were too different and no amount of counseling or attitude changes would change all that. This time around, I don't want to make the same mistakes. I've already made some of them, and I hope I can catch myself in time to stop and make amends.
I have to agree with the prospect that your zeal for defending your family (and owning the guns to do so) might be a driving force for losing what you zealously stand by to defend.
I always recommend to people not to
get married
have a kid
buy an animal
move or
get a divorce
unless they continuously want to for at least 6 months, preferably a year. Someone said PATIENCE and that is the word. In moments of crisis it feels that a decision has to be made RIGHT NOW because we don't like to have things up in the air and undecided. I am very guilty of this; it is a control issue. for a couple of months; don't make any big changes and let the topic rest.
I read that there has been a change in medications as well as hormonal/mood fluctuations adding to the situation. Medication changes (adding, changing or deleting) can take several months to level out. That is not a time to make big decisions or other changes. She probably isn't liking how she sounds very much either. Usually when I'm in that place where my mouth is saying horrible things and I get on a roll my brain is telling it to shut up but my jaw just keeps flapping. For a couple of days there the SELF EDIT just goes away.
get married
have a kid
buy an animal
move or
get a divorce
unless they continuously want to for at least 6 months, preferably a year. Someone said PATIENCE and that is the word. In moments of crisis it feels that a decision has to be made RIGHT NOW because we don't like to have things up in the air and undecided. I am very guilty of this; it is a control issue. for a couple of months; don't make any big changes and let the topic rest.
I read that there has been a change in medications as well as hormonal/mood fluctuations adding to the situation. Medication changes (adding, changing or deleting) can take several months to level out. That is not a time to make big decisions or other changes. She probably isn't liking how she sounds very much either. Usually when I'm in that place where my mouth is saying horrible things and I get on a roll my brain is telling it to shut up but my jaw just keeps flapping. For a couple of days there the SELF EDIT just goes away.
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I don't know precisely what the real problem is, but I'm pretty sure it's not really guns. It sounds like guns are just the "scapegoat issue" that lets you both argue without actually bringing up the true underlying problem(s).
Ignition Override
Member
Bullz: Your description of your friend's relationship is excellent, and very easy to follow.
It appears that the OP's wife came close to admitting that she is too hard-headed, or controlling, by suggesting buying a gun.
She might be different than my widowed, elderly mother-in-law, who lives in the A.R.C. in San Antonio. She always tried to boss her family members around.
This type almost never admits that he/she is wrong, or too controlling, and although they easily offer criticism of others, they are far too thin-skinned to accept any criticism, even when spoken in a calm, quiet voice. It is too much for them.
She now lives alone in the Health Care wing and never made friends after years living there, despite the complex being full of other officers' wives, both married and widowed.
It appears that the OP's wife came close to admitting that she is too hard-headed, or controlling, by suggesting buying a gun.
She might be different than my widowed, elderly mother-in-law, who lives in the A.R.C. in San Antonio. She always tried to boss her family members around.
This type almost never admits that he/she is wrong, or too controlling, and although they easily offer criticism of others, they are far too thin-skinned to accept any criticism, even when spoken in a calm, quiet voice. It is too much for them.
She now lives alone in the Health Care wing and never made friends after years living there, despite the complex being full of other officers' wives, both married and widowed.
ol' scratch
Member
It sure sounds like there are other issues at play here. I am not a doc and I mean no disrespect; but could she have an anxiety disorder? I only mention it because I have friends who are dealing with them.
Look up Zung Self-rating anxiety scale.
Look up Zung Self-rating anxiety scale.
JustinJ
Member
Glad to hear things have improved.
On a side note, its Eastern Bloc.
On a side note, its Eastern Bloc.
DAdams
Member
We will now expect you back on the X42, 340 and other threads and Forums you spend so much time on. 
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...G_-LTpvm4-iRsrsSw&sig2=PnfAJnjbL2R59lzplMcA-A
I was going to suggest your Esposa watch this.
I know when my Son was about that age my Wife wasn't thrilled with handguns in the house. We worked through it. I sold them.....:banghead: I wasn't really into them at the time (inherited).
But kept the shotguns, which she was ok with.
Years later.....
I have made up for lost time and replaced all I sold and then some and my Son is an NRA Member and we have a range behind his barn. He and his Wife have TN HCP.
My wife of 37 years and on her own volition goes to the range occassionally and has taken a HCP Class. She has to retake the range portion. I bought her a Browning Buckmark, she was struggling with the weight of the 686. I have never pushed and she has come along on her own accord.
She also often asks if I am carrying..for security reasons when she isn't feeling secure.
BTW the cane and bear spray is a good idea.
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...G_-LTpvm4-iRsrsSw&sig2=PnfAJnjbL2R59lzplMcA-A
I was going to suggest your Esposa watch this.
I know when my Son was about that age my Wife wasn't thrilled with handguns in the house. We worked through it. I sold them.....:banghead: I wasn't really into them at the time (inherited).
But kept the shotguns, which she was ok with.
Years later.....
I have made up for lost time and replaced all I sold and then some and my Son is an NRA Member and we have a range behind his barn. He and his Wife have TN HCP.
My wife of 37 years and on her own volition goes to the range occassionally and has taken a HCP Class. She has to retake the range portion.
I bought her a Browning Buckmark, she was struggling with the weight of the 686. I have never pushed and she has come along on her own accord. She also often asks if I am carrying..for security reasons when she isn't feeling secure.
BTW the cane and bear spray is a good idea.
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bushmaster1313
Member
Jad.
If you work things out you will not regret it.
If you work things out you will not regret it.
bsheets20061
Member
- Joined
- May 19, 2009
- Messages
- 93
i dont think i could do it.
but luckily my old lady surprises me with a new toy every couple of months
but luckily my old lady surprises me with a new toy every couple of months
thump_rrr
Member
Not to take sides here but is it possible that you have taken the defense of your family too far to the point of paranoia?
Not everyone wants to live looking over their shoulder or out their window every second waiting for the boogie man.
You said it yourself that you may not be the best multitasker so if you're in a restaurant with your family and instead of participating in normal conversation you're fixated on analyzing everybody and their every action to determine if they are about to take over the place you've gone too far.
I'm not saying to get rid of your guns, to stop carrying, or to be completely oblivious but to be somewhat rational.
For 99.9% of us we will live our lives without being victims of a violent crime so let's not become prisoners of our own paranoia.
Not everyone wants to live looking over their shoulder or out their window every second waiting for the boogie man.
You said it yourself that you may not be the best multitasker so if you're in a restaurant with your family and instead of participating in normal conversation you're fixated on analyzing everybody and their every action to determine if they are about to take over the place you've gone too far.
I'm not saying to get rid of your guns, to stop carrying, or to be completely oblivious but to be somewhat rational.
For 99.9% of us we will live our lives without being victims of a violent crime so let's not become prisoners of our own paranoia.
DAdams
Member
Hey jad if you think Aunt Flow is a bear, wait until someday and her sister the dreaded
Aunt Endo Flow arrives.... 
might want to take that chance to bail now while the getting is good.
Aunt Endo Flow arrives....
might want to take that chance to bail now while the getting is good.TonyDedo
Member
Honestly, it sounds like the situation has little to do with a "pro gun vs. anti gun debate," and more with some deep and fundamental conflicts between you and your wife. The way you describe her implies a lack of respect for your partner. Perhaps as you've increased your awareness you've noticed your wife's lack of awareness, and lost respect for her because of it. Perhaps she's attune to this lack of respect, and (as people are apt to do) is looking for something to blame, and that blame has fallen on the guns.
Also, I find that many of my fellow "gun enthusiasts" tend to be a little obsessive about our enthusiasms. I’m as guilty about this as the next guy. I know that sometimes my wife feels neglected because of the amount of attention I pay to reading articles and forums, going to the range, building & maintaining my collection. Sometimes I’ll be spending time with her, but thinking about the AR project I’m in the middle of, or how I can better secure the stairwell to our apartment. She’s not stupid and knows I’m thinking of other things, and sometimes it can become a point of conflict. Maybe this is what’s happening to you too, and again, your wife is looking for something to blame and focuses that blame on the guns.
I can’t offer you any advice beyond that insight; just don’t fool yourself into thinking this is a simple “pro gun vs. anti gun” conflict.
Also, I find that many of my fellow "gun enthusiasts" tend to be a little obsessive about our enthusiasms. I’m as guilty about this as the next guy. I know that sometimes my wife feels neglected because of the amount of attention I pay to reading articles and forums, going to the range, building & maintaining my collection. Sometimes I’ll be spending time with her, but thinking about the AR project I’m in the middle of, or how I can better secure the stairwell to our apartment. She’s not stupid and knows I’m thinking of other things, and sometimes it can become a point of conflict. Maybe this is what’s happening to you too, and again, your wife is looking for something to blame and focuses that blame on the guns.
I can’t offer you any advice beyond that insight; just don’t fool yourself into thinking this is a simple “pro gun vs. anti gun” conflict.
I have had guns all my life and my wife has been supportive, if not excited about my guns. Until a few years ago, I had not had handguns and expressed an interest in getting a nice target pistol. She said, "I won't have a handgun in my house", to which I responded, "So where will you be living?" We had a good laugh followed by a good discussion. I now have 2 pistols along with my 10-12 long guns. We love each other a lot and have great respect for each other, but she will never be interested in guns. I worked very hard to understand her objections and told her I could not accept an edict without a discussion. We both work hard to understand each other. Recently she asked if I planned to get my concealed carry permit since most of my male friends have them and I have considered it. She would not be enthusiatic about it and will not encourage it, but she knows what makes me happy. If I decide to do it, she will give me a hug and say "Have fun". The next time she wants to go to a broadway musical, I'll give her a hug and say "Have fun". It's not about her sharing your enthusiasm for guns nor you adopting her view. It is about respect. Try to understand her view and respect it, but you do not need to agree. But, if you can work really hard to understand and accept her view as no less valid than your own, she just might be able to do the same and you might just save your marriage. Good luck young man.
I read bout 2 pages of this. Some people seem to think it may really be about something else, I'll tell you how you can find out. I would have a hidden place installed that she doesn't know about to put a few guns, look at this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS5II_LavsQ
There are cheap ways to do this, if interested pm me here and I will give you some ideas.
Provided you go this route and hide some guns, you could then tell her you will get rid of the guns, of course you are not being true about this, but it is better than a divorce, and this way you can find out if it is really about the guns. I would build a hidden place no matter what, if thieves can't find them, they can't steal them. Build it hide your guns from her in a place you can quickly access them if needed, and out of sight out of mind as we said in the Army. Once done tell her you gave in and got rid of the guns, tell her you gave them to your brother or something like that, but let him in on it ahead of time. Tell her you want it dropped now that the guns are gone, and you don't want to talk about it anymore.
As a man you understand you are responsible for protecting your family. Do what you got to do. Latter you will find out if it was really about the guns or not, and if not as I suspect, then you can smile knowing you stood your ground and tried your best to resolve it, and get to leave the marriage with your nuts and guns intact.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS5II_LavsQ
There are cheap ways to do this, if interested pm me here and I will give you some ideas.
Provided you go this route and hide some guns, you could then tell her you will get rid of the guns, of course you are not being true about this, but it is better than a divorce, and this way you can find out if it is really about the guns. I would build a hidden place no matter what, if thieves can't find them, they can't steal them. Build it hide your guns from her in a place you can quickly access them if needed, and out of sight out of mind as we said in the Army. Once done tell her you gave in and got rid of the guns, tell her you gave them to your brother or something like that, but let him in on it ahead of time. Tell her you want it dropped now that the guns are gone, and you don't want to talk about it anymore.
As a man you understand you are responsible for protecting your family. Do what you got to do. Latter you will find out if it was really about the guns or not, and if not as I suspect, then you can smile knowing you stood your ground and tried your best to resolve it, and get to leave the marriage with your nuts and guns intact.
leadcounsel
member
Yeah, lie to your wife. That's a great idea. I'm sure she'll be stoked when she uncovers the lie. Not the best of ideas, of course.
I see I'm not welcome here, so I will leave. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, I do expect people o not attack me everytime I try to help. Yea I suggested he lie to her, it is better than a divorce or giving up the means to defend his children that have no say so in the mothers anti gun stance. But hey, you guys have got it under control.
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